Thom,

If you are reading this then you may or may not already know that I am dead, or close to it. For that reason I hope you never read this but I fear it is unlikely I shall be able to throw this upon the fire myself. If I could wish for one thing before I die it would be that I could see you one final time to tell you this, to say goodbye to you properly, but this letter shall have to suffice.

My darling, I wish above all things that we could have reconciled before it was too late, but at least we had the time together that we did. I regret how I behaved the last few times we were together and there are far too many things I wish I could have done differently, but not being able to spend my remaining time with you is perhaps the greatest of my regrets. It is, of course, my own fault. I have always been weak of character and so easily swept up in the moment. I give you details now so that you may remember me as I truly was for even before reading this you know me better than anyone else ever has and ever will do.

I suspect you recall what I said when we parted the last time - to make it easier to cut ties with you I said there had been others before you. I was not lying but I need you to know the circumstances and specifics, I don't want to leave you forever without context, not even if you think still less of me for it than you do already, I want to be honest. I know you shan't do anything to disgrace my memory even if you do think the worst of me, you have always been the most honorable of men.

Perhaps pause now and prepare yourself to read on, I myself must take a break from writing for a moment for I've never confessed these things to anyone and I know it shall be even uglier on paper.

My first transgression was a couple years before we became reacquainted. I was so young and I still pined for a husband whom I never saw and who never bestowed an affectionate word upon me. I wanted only to be the perfect wife but my marriage was not what I had envisaged - my husband was as good as a stranger to me. The gentleman was an acquaintance and caught me at a particularly troubled moment. I regretted what I had done the second it was too late to undo it. The guilt and shame remain with me still. I ruined my life in an afternoon. Worse still, I had the great misfortune to conceive a child and I was unable to hide it from Phineas. You may see now why I fretted as I did; a first mistake is bad enough, a second is entirely unforgivable.

The second is perhaps my deepest shame of all. Phineas seemed to be starting to move past my betrayal, things were looking up, and then that wretched draft to Irvingly took place. I lost our child while up a mountain of all things and then splinched myself when I tried to apparate to Hogsmeade Hospital. Of course I was outraged, I paid a visit to the then Minister of Magic so that he might take notice of what his negligence had done and make reparation for it. I can barely think of what transpired, even now. He offered me brandy and took advantage once my wits had abandoned me. Truly it is repugnant, if I could maintain honesty without writing this part I would spare us both in a heartbeat.

It was fortunate for me that Phineas had no reason to suspect this child was not his, I myself wasn't sure at first. Enough of that sordid business. You may recall we met again not long after. Those first few months were (and remain) the happiest of my life. I used to relive those treasured moments in my head but now they bring me too much sadness knowing I shan't ever see you look at me that way again. Every moment with you I was as honestly myself as I ever have been with another person, I've never known complete happiness beyond the time I spent with you. I need you to know that despite my ugly past, what passed between us was genuine and true. As I told you many times: I am weak, but it was not that weakness that brought us together of that I have no doubt in my mind. I wish I had known you better at school, that I could have fallen in love with you then and never looked once in Phineas' direction. What a happy life we might have had! I never would have debased myself with you, you always made me want to be the woman you believed I was. I was better with you. I was happy.

Lastly, I told you at the time what lead to that awful evening of the party, there's nothing more I can say only to repeat that it was your arms I sought. Now you can see the pattern for what it truly is, you can see me for what I truly am, I hope you can at least find some forgiveness in your heart for me even if every other instinct is repulsion.

I wish I had never touched laudanum at all, intoxication has ruined my life. Do you at last see my weakness?

Now to the most important part of my letter to you. There is the matter of our daughter. You must maintain a closeness with Phineas, befriend Elladora if you must. Make sure she wants for nothing, make sure she knows love, make sure she does not become the worst parts of her mother. I can let go a little easier if I know you will do all you can to watch over her. My sister-in-law has her merits but she is not a mother and Phineas is a father only in name. This is my final request of you and the most important. Do it for her if you cannot for me. Belvina must be the best of us.

I am trying not to imagine what you must be thinking of me after reading this for I know that you would be well within reason to despise me. I took the liberty of including a lock of my hair, just in case it might even now be warmly received. I wrapped it in cloth so that you needn't look at it if it displeases you.

Farewell, I love you and I wish you live a long and happy life.