19 December, 1894
My darling,
You think that this is failure. You think this is the worst outcome. I understand you.
I do care for you, but over time I have begun to suspect something that was violently confirmed for me last night: that the ways in which I care for you have never registered for you. You have expectations of me which I am incapable of fulfilling, not from want of effort but because the things that you desire run contrary to so much of who I am as a person. You are a consuming fire; you want to take in and transform people. You thrive on energy, on raw emotion, on passion. I am an oak tree: slow to trust, patient in love, constant in character. A fire and an oak cannot coexist without the oak losing itself entirely. This is an undeniable truth. Is it the fault of the fire or the oak that they cannot live together in harmony?
I loved you enough to do things that were unwise. We should never have married, but I loved you enough to do it when you said you needed my protection. You can have it still, if you still desire it. If you would rather a clean break and a fresh slate, I'm also amenable to that. We could pursue a divorce expeditiously and you could have whatever sum you desire to fund your life, either here or abroad.
What I cannot do is continue to try patching things up, trying to rekindle the flame from that first summer. Too much has happened and the attempts are too painful. I wish it could have gone differently, but there's no use in speculation. Too many what-ifs, and none of them change the underlying nature of the thing.
You can stay in the house as long as you need. I intend to remain out until you leave. Once you do, please do not return without an invitation.
yours, still, in spite of everything,
Emrys
Emrys
Lou made this! <3