Issue #193 - Luck in Love
August 19, 2018 – 2:46 PM
The Original Fake News
August 19, 2018 – 2:47 PM
The Original Fake News
Tips For Taming the Rogue in Your Life Sometimes tough love is the way to go!Visual Stimulation It is a sad truth that roguish gents are not known for thinking intelligently. Instead, one might need to resort to visual cues. If the man of interest is a potential beau, perhaps take a little more care with your appearance. Let him know what a beauty he might lose out on if he does not mend his ways! If the rogue in question is some sort of relation then perhaps leave out news articles about men who lost everything thanks to scandals. Leave strong hints about where they could end up if they continue down their current path! Promises A great way to get a rogue to toe the line is by promising them something that they might want. Nothing scandalous, of course! That would just encourage their terrible behavior but perhaps promise that you will introduce an odious friend of his to a friend or that you will stop trying to introduce him to your friends, if the rogue is a relation of yours. Not only does it give you a chance to see how they handle themselves among proper society, you can see how they will get on with your own peers. Threats If the rogue in your life still won't behave properly, now is the time for some tough love. If they are a relation, threaten to see about getting them disinherited. No man wants to be poor. After all, they tend to smell terribly and who would want to bring that upon themselves? Tell that man that he has to shape up or you will cut all ties. If they truly value you then surely this is what will really catch their attention. Follow Through! If the rogue fails to clean up his act then it is time that you follow through on your threat to cut him out. He is clearly not deserving of your attention and there are many more eligible bachelors and pursuits that you could be spending your time on instead. If he wants to die alone instead of enjoying the company of a respectable woman that is just looking out for him then that is on him. |
August 19, 2018 – 2:47 PM
The Original Fake News
| Tooth Whitening Tips | |
Have you had to hide your smile away behind a fan because of a hideous mass of yellow teeth? Well, you needn't continue to shirk from showing your pearly whites — with some of the ingenious cures listed here, they actually can be pearly white! Yes, your teeth could be as white as this!Drink Vinegar & Pumice Stone A cure brought to us all the way from ancient Egypt, this drink will make your teeth whiter day by day — though it is rather horrendous to stomach, and adding anything to improve the flavor will result in the whitening effects being lessened. Rinse With Unicorn Urine The ammonia found in urine is a bleaching agent, and although the idea of swishing it around your mouth may be odious in most cases, the unicorn is renowned for its purity. If there is any creature whose discharge may be safely pushed around your teeth and gums, it is the unicorn's. |
File Them Down A professional barber with experience in hair and tooth care can easily remove a yellowed layer of teeth with a quick file. A rinse with some clean water will clear the ground bone out from your mouth, leaving you with teeth as shiny as a child's! Apply Acid A good barber will also have a supply of acids which can be safely used orally, which can be less abrasive but in some cases just as effective as filing the teeth. We recommend you avoid trying this one at home, as the use of the wrong acid can leave permanent scarring on your gums, or do more serious damage. Drink Medical-Grade Flouride A chemical known as flouride has recently been discovered to have some tooth-whitening properties, but use it only in moderation. It is believed that drinking flouride may be toxic in large amounts, and even worse, may actually make your teeth more susceptible to stains in the long-term if you over-indulge. Mix a small amount of flouride in a large glass of water for best results. |
August 19, 2018 – 2:48 PM
The Original Fake News
 Katherine Midford  Nora Abercrombie  Fortuna Lockhart  Louisa Lupin  Hope Crawford | Luck In Love: Five Ladies Likely (and Unlikely!) to Soon Marry Though the fog obscured the season as much as it did Hogsmeade and the surrounding areas, that hasn't stopped many of the magical community's ladies from continuing the hunt for a husband! This week, Witch Weekly is counting down the top five ladies likely (and unlikely!) to find themselves wed in the next year! Likely to Marry: Katherine Midford Hogwarts' 1888 Coming Out Ball saw the debut of its head girl, Miss Katherine Midford, and to predict a woman of her accomplishment and poise is not likely to marry anytime soon would be a grave and insulting assumption. She has proven an talented painter and singer, and is said to be proficient in four languages—including Latin and German! It is certain that any well-bred, academically-inclined gentleman might find a suitable bride in this English Rose. Unlikely to Marry: Marlena Scamander Though rumors of impropriety plagued her Hogwarts years, what makes Miss Marlena Scamander a candidate for least likely to marriage is her complete lack of interest in it! If Miss Scamander's career in the Department of Mysteries didn't make her a probable candidate for spinsterhood, her family's focus on seeing their youngest daughter, Miss Helga Scamander, married off surely does! Likely to Marry: Nora Abercrombie The youngest (and only unattached!) daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Abercrombie, Miss Nora Abercrombie has often been seen trailing behind her friends at social functions. Despite possessing a quiet demeanor and plump figure, Miss Abercrombie possesses something that many young debutantes do not: an ample number of connections. If unable to find a husband on her own time, there's no doubt that a suitable arrangement might be made within the year! Unlikely to Marry: Virginia Carmichael The Welsh Miss Carmichael possesses many of the qualities that up-and-coming debutantes may value (sociability, patience, and a stylish fashion sense among them!) but her age—twenty-five and a half—makes her a candidate for impending spinsterhood. Likely to Marry: Fortuna Lockhart Despite holding a career and showing little interest in making her mark on the social scene, recent rumors regarding Miss Lockhart's relationship with Mr. Rufus Bixby have Witch Weekly hoping that wedding bells are in the near future, lest more damage come to her reputation! (In this case, we'll give her the benefit of the doubt!) Unlikely to Marry: Begonia Belby With a known werewolf for a brother, a head full of ginger-colored hair, and rumors of past indiscretions, we at Witch Weekly unlikely that Miss Belby will be able to secure herself a respectable marriage. Likely to Marry: Louisa Lupin Despite possessing less fortunate connections (including Mrs. Elsbeth Lupin, her brother's wife), Miss Lupin is an accomplished, respectable young woman in her own right. With a confidence and flair that many woman could only hope for, we feel that she might best find a husband in a Ministry-employed bachelor! Unlikely to Marry: Regina Lacey Miss Regina Lacey has no glaring failings (apart from, perhaps, her association with the scandalous Miss Scrimgeour), but she is hardly seen on the social scene—a very odd fact for a debutante. Despite her hefty inheritance, how could one expect a woman to find a husband if she hardly makes any public appearances? Likely to Marry: Hope Crawford One of the newest debutantes to grace the social scene, Witch Weekly believes Miss Hope Crawford will have little difficulty securing a husband. With her soft features and sweet dispositions, Miss Crawford would make both a handsome and agreeable bride to any gentleman with the means to support her! Unlikely to Marry: Zelda Fisk The sister-in-law to the Minister of Magic hails from a notable middle class family, yet has proven to be a more industrious, career-minded woman than a family-oriented one. That, combined with rumors of her passing rumors of impropriety, means she is less than the ideal bride. A man looking for ties in politics might turn his eyes to her older and still-unmarried sister, Xena Fisk! |  Marlena Scamander  Virginia Carmichael  Begonia Belby  Regina Lacey  Zelda Fisk |
August 19, 2018 – 2:48 PM
The Original Fake News
| Do you have something to say to Witch Weekly? Perhaps an opinion on a past article, a suggestion for future issues, or anything in between? Then please send in your submissions today! | Letters From Our Readers! Dear Witch Weekly, I really appreciated your last article sharing tips for ladies on flying carpets - it, pretty much, saved my life! My husband had purchased one from the fair this past year and suggested we test it out just to make sure it was safe. You see, he is looking to sell it as we, obviously, haven't used it and it is taking up a fair amount of storage space. Everything had been going just fine, up until a sharp turn approached that sent me towards the edge of the carpet. Had it not been for the enchanted hair pins I used, I wouldn't have been hanging by the edge - rather, I would have found myself looking up at it as I plummeted to the ground! If I ever wish to do anything so risky again, I will make sure to first check Witch Weekly and, second, bring along those pins. Thanks once again, - Carpet Survivor -- Dear Witch Weekly, What happened to Mr. Belby was a tragedy and I don't think you should be blaming him for some random attack of creatures who just so happen to be of the same species as him. Would one truly wish to cause more damage to a society that has already damned them for something not of their doing? If you were suffering from this affliction, I doubt you would be writing like-minded articles in the future or would approve of these topics to be submitted for readers to gobble up so readily. After reading that article, I was left feeling that perhaps you, too, have lost all sense of humanity. My suggestion is to stick to the false advertisements of potential romance and love interests that you excel at so well instead of taking a feigned interest into serious news that has already been covered by the Prophet. - Angered Activist -- Dear Witch Weekly, Your articles depicting the gentlemen of our society are truly inspiring. I have always been one to gawk at the more fortunate individuals living in our neighborhoods without having an opportunity to get to know them. The facts that you provide help me see what their lives are truly like beyond the image they uphold which is something I have learned to fully appreciate over the years of reading each week's issue. What I may enjoy even more is seeing a specific person spotlighted each week, instead of there being only one article every, or every other, month dedicated to them. That way I could get my fix without having to anxiously wait to find a sought after face upon the cover of the magazine. Thank you and I hope you take my suggestion into consideration, - A Devoted Reader |
August 19, 2018 – 2:48 PM
The Original Fake News
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