Sh*t My Husband Says (About Charming)

Jack is back, and so is this thread. >D

Conversation this morning:

Lynn: So the thing about playing Veela is that realistically, there's not a ton of threadding opportunities for them. Women hate them, and threads with men are either going to end in seduction (which no one really wants unless they're trying to fuck around with their romantic plots) or they're going to attempt rape and things go feathers and flames. That's basically it.
Jack: Okay, hold up. I will listen to you talk about Charming all day, if that's what you want, but you can't be using the R-word. That's where I draw the line.
Lynn: ...?
Jack: "Realistic."
Lynn: Oh.
Jack: We're having a conversation about supernaturally attractive women who reproduce asexually by laying eggs and turn into fireball-throwing bird monsters when they're angry. You can't tell me anyone is thinking about what's realistic.

Jack: Ophelia Dev-in-é.
Lynn: Oh.
Jack: What?
Lynn: I've always pronounced it de-vine.
Jack: Well then that's how it's pronounced. You made up that name, didn't you?
Lynn: No. She just got married. Someone else made it up.
Jack: Oh. Huh.
Lynn: I don't know if I've ever actually asked how it was pronounced.
Jack: Well, you could ask the person you married.
Lynn: Yeah.
Jack: In character.
Lynn: What?
Jack: That would be the best thing to see play out. 'Oh, my love; I have only ever seen our last name written down on paper...'
Lynn: Yeah, no...
Jack: Or Ophelia could plan a huge event where they have to be announced to the room so that she can figure out how to say her last name.

Jack: Who's that?
Lynn: The face I use for Tiberius. He smiles in too many of his pictures but it's fine.
Jack: Man, Charming sure has an attractive population.
Lynn: Well, yeah. But you know who doesn't have a lot of high resolution, high quality photographs posted on the internet? Unattractive people.
Jack: Okay. Fine. But... you're telling me there aren't any photos of Steve Buscemi?
Lynn: I wish someone would use Steve Buscemi.
Jack: You're telling me there aren't photos of Rush Limbaugh?
Lynn: Well—
Jack: Are there no photos of Donald J. Trump?
Lynn: Okay, I get it, Jack. You can name lots of unattractive people.
[this goes on for a while and eventually he gets tired of it. Or so I thought. Minutes later, apropos of nothing:]
Jack: MARGARET THATCHER!

Jack: Who's that?
Lynn: The face I use for Tiberius. He smiles in too many of his pictures but it's fine.
Jack: Man, Charming sure has an attractive population.
Lynn: Well, yeah. But you know who doesn't have a lot of high resolution, high quality photographs posted on the internet? Unattractive people.
Jack: Okay. Fine. But... you're telling me there aren't any photos of Steve Buscemi?
Lynn: I wish someone would use Steve Buscemi.
Jack: You're telling me there aren't photos of Rush Limbaugh?
Lynn: Well—
Jack: Are there no photos of Donald J. Trump?
Lynn: Okay, I get it, Jack. You can name lots of unattractive people.
[this goes on for a while and eventually he gets tired of it. Or so I thought. Minutes later, apropos of nothing:]
Jack: MARGARET THATCHER!

I also wish someone would use Steve. I love him. XD

Lynn: *gets an emphatic text message from Beanie and giggles about it*
Jack: What's going on?
Lynn: I was posting with one of my Charming friends and she went to hang out with people in real life, but she said to text her if I replied, so I did. That was just her reaction.
Jack: Oh. Cool. So what's this thread that you guys are so excited about?
Lynn: Oh, well. Uh, we have these two characters who sort of have crushes on each other, but my guy is about to leave on an expedition and he doesn't want her like pining for him while he's gone so he tried to let her down gently and explain all that.
Jack: Sure.
Lynn: And then she was like 'oh okay if we can't get married let's just make out.'
Jack: Well, no wonder he turned her down, she's a harlot.
Lynn: Right? But he didn't know that until this thread and it totally caught him off guard so he didn't know how to handle it. So anyway, she wants to kiss again...
Jack: Wait, again?
Lynn: Yeah, it's a long story. They kissed once before but it wasn't like an organic thing, they were trapped under this magic mistletoe that didn't let them leave until they kissed.
Jack: Okay.
Lynn: So he really wants to kiss her —
Jack: But he doesn't want to lead her on.
Lynn: Right. So he's trying to convince her to leave but he's also — like, he wasn't expecting this at all and her being so upfront about wanting to kiss him kind of... created a situation for him.
Jack: ... Wait. Like — a situation? *makes a lewd hand gesture*
Lynn: *giggling* Yeah.
Jack: ...
Lynn: ...
Jack: ... Well. I guess I did ask.
Lynn: You did.
Jack: Next time, you can skip all the exposition and just say "boner jokes."

(I told Jack this morning I had a Charming date, but he didn't know what the subject was)

Jack: So how'd the date go?
Lynn: Good. Ben's been arrested.
Jack: How is that good?
Lynn: Well, it's good for plot development.
Jack: Oh, really? What kind of plots are you developing in prison?
Lynn: He might not actually end up in prison.
Jack: You know who developed plots in prison? Hitler.
Lynn: Jesus Christ, Jack.
Jack: Well, and Henry David Thoreau. But neither of them are Ben.

(in bed)
Jack: Are you Charming from your phone?
Lynn: Yeah.
Jack: Can't sleep?
Lynn: Well, one of my thread partners got online just as I was leaving for bed. So I told her if she was quick I'd post once before I fell asleep.
Jack: Those late night Charming booty calls, huh?
Lynn: What?
Jack: Look, if you had a 'Charming date' this morning, that means at this hour, it's a booty call.

(in bed)
Jack: Are you Charming from your phone?
Lynn: Yeah.
Jack: Can't sleep?
Lynn: Well, one of my thread partners got online just as I was leaving for bed. So I told her if she was quick I'd post once before I fell asleep.
Jack: Those late night Charming booty calls, huh?
Lynn: What?
Jack: Look, if you had a 'Charming date' this morning, that means at this hour, it's a booty call.

IT WAS ME, I'M THE BOOTY CALL

(perusing a profile)
Jack: Reputation ten.
Lynn: Uh-huh.
Jack: Wow. How thrilling. I'm excited to meet this person with a reputation ten.
Lynn: Oh?
Jack: Yeah, who are they?
Lynn: I don't know. It's a new profile, I haven't read it yet.
Jack: What!
Lynn: ?
Jack: You can't just make a reputation ten!
Lynn: Yeah, you can, actually. I mean, I don't, but you totally can.
Jack: Don't you have to take a character hit if you do that?
Lynn: ... A character hit?
Jack: Yeah, like some negative trade off? To balance out their 10?
Lynn: I think you're thinking of a Dungeons and Dragons thing.
Jack: You don't have something like that?
Lynn: Nope.
Jack: Everyone with a perfect reputation should have a physical deformity.

Lynn: (complaining about something on Charming)
Jack: (to our dog) Oh, no, Lulu! People are having fun on the internet the wrong way!

... Fair enough. :P

*scrolling through my networking*
Jack: Sexy Girls Thread.
Lynn: What?
Jack: Whatever thread you're in has a lot pictures of sexy women. I just assumed that was the theme.

(Ophelia, Fortuna Lockhart, and Bella Scrimgeour were the three he saw in case you were wondering)

Regarding @Elsbeth Lupin :

Jack: Whoever was making that character must have run out of money.
Lynn: Oh?
Jack: Yeah, they couldn't buy any more vowels.

One time I showed my cousin the thread w/ August and Minnie and she said she hoped they got married bc she ADORES their PBs and thinks they would have beautiful children :P

Jack: Everyone with a perfect reputation should have a physical deformity.

Petition to put that in the rep document.

So I’ve told Chris about Charming....Scrolling through this thread with him so he knows he’s not the only one who doesn’t know who he’s just decided to fall in love with and....

CHRIS: Wait is that guy’s name Crotch?
Me: no, CROUCH. Like Barty Crouch.
CHRIS: Oh. I thought it said Crotch.

So I’ve told Chris about Charming....Scrolling through this thread with him so he knows he’s not the only one who doesn’t know who he’s just decided to fall in love with and....

CHRIS: Wait is that guy’s name Crotch?
Me: no, CROUCH. Like Barty Crouch.
CHRIS: Oh. I thought it said Crotch.

I support the headcanon that somewhere, at some point, someone has referred to Ben as "Ben Crotch" as a half-assed insult.