February 14th, 1891 - Hogwarts Docks
Cameron Gillenwater

January had been a bit of a... month. After Christmas, Sloane felt like she was sitting in some sort of awkward lurch in which she suddenly didn't now how to be around Cameron very well. He'd said he loved her and she'd panicked... They were teenagers! They didn't even know what love was, did they!?

Needless to say, things were off kilter and she didn't know what to do about it. Even attempting to fix things with Alice hadn't helped much.

At least she was used to avoiding the common room these days. The boathouse and the docks seemed to be her new favorite haunt and though it was February, the chill in the air wasn't quite so bad today. Her short legs dangled over the end of the dock as she watched her friend the squid jet around just beneath the surface, tentacles sticking out of the water every now and then.

Hunkering down into her scarf, she sigh softly, the warmth of her breath fogging in front of her as she exhaled. If she had been thinking, she would have brought her Creatures text to pass some of the time.

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That it was Valentine's Day was not lost on him, but Cameron had—quite characteristically—forgotten until that morning. He'd never had a reason to think about it before this year, and he'd felt an overwhelming sense of panic when he did, because he hadn't spoken to Sloane that day and probably should. That wasn't to say that he didn't want to see Sloane, but... well, he'd made a fool of himself during the Christmas party and he still wasn't over it.

He'd said he loved her. She hadn't said it back.

And it made sense. They were young, she was young—more than a year younger than him, and he was silly for expecting her to say it back. He was silly for saying it at all. He was definitely too young to be saying he loved anyone, and he knew that. But he did love her, at least by his knowledge of what love felt like. He wanted to be around her, to kiss and touch her whenever possible, to bicker and joke with her, to spend time with her even in silence.

And he supposed he would have to do the latter today, because he hadn't quite found the right words when he sat down beside her silently on the docks. Nobody knew he'd been coming after her, but he was sure one of his friends would suspect it since he'd asked where she'd gone off to. He placed a hand on her knee and looked at her face, trying to discern her thoughts.

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The footsteps on the dock behind her were no surprise, she half-expected it to be Lester, who tended to show up just when she needed someone to help her unwind, but she was pleased to see it was Cam instead who had joined her. In retrospect that was who she should have expected and she wasn't disappointed by the turn of events.

She leaned against him gently, briefly, before straightening up. Hopefully because of their position on the end of the dock nobody would be able to see her sneak a hand out from beneath her cloak to take his and give it a squeeze. She didn't look directly at him at first, but it was hard to ignore him looking right at her and so she put on her best smile, hoping he wouldn't see right through it. Sloane still couldn't put her finger on it, maybe it was her conversation with Alice; maybe it was the sorrow that plagued her all of January leeching into February; she was still somewhat unsettled about Christmas, but it hadn't come up again and she didn't dare try. Why was being a teenager so hard? To many emotions and feelings to deal with.

"Happy St. Valentine's day," She said after a moment. She had attempted to make him a card, but it wasn't very good and it was tucked away safely under her pillow at the moment.

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Cameron felt his stomach tighten as she leaned against him and grabbed his hand. It had been so long since they'd shared any sort of affection—two months, nearly—and he couldn't resist lifting her hand to his lips to press a brief kiss to her knuckles.

Clearly the obvious thing to say was Happy St. Valentine's Day to you, too, but instead all that came out of his mouth was, "I'm sorry."

And then he stared at her blankly, his lips curving downwards into a frown.

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That had been an entirely unexpected response. Sloane's brows furrowed in confusion as she looked at him more properly. "Whatever are you sorry for?" She should have been the one apologizing out if the two of them, but she didn't feel that was strictly necessary either. She didn't want to say anything further though, as she didn't exactly know what he was apologizing for at this particular moment. She had an idea, certainly, but didn't want to jump to conclusions like she had in the past.

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Of course he shouldn't have expected her to just know, but he still found himself thrown off guard by the sudden questioning. His breath quickened and the panic was clear on his features if not by his voice. "I shouldn't have - I mean, I never - I..." He found it difficult to explain just what he was sorry for, how to phrase it without sounding careless or crass. Finally, he managed, "I never should have... said what I did that night."

That wasn't ideal either.

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Her frown deepened. Sloane had far too many things bouncing around in her head after January and then the conversation with Calla and the fight with Alice, that she just couldn’t focus. For a split second, she thought he might have meant his fight with Alice, but it was fleeting. He had to be thinking about Christmas.

Still, she had to be certain. ”On Christmas?” She asked slowly, loosening her grip on his hand just a little. It took a lot of willpower not to withdraw it entirely. ”So...” What? He didn’t mean it? He regretted saying it? He was upset she hadn’t said anything in return? He was mad at her because of it? Too many possibilities, many of which she had turned over in her head over the last couple months.

Sloane was not ready for this conversation right now. If she had one more big emotion sweep through her, she was probably going to burst.

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Cameron nodded, his brows knitted with worry. It was clear that he shouldn't have said it; things had been a little bit awkward since Christmas, and why should it have been any different? Cameron spent their last second of true alone time admitting he loved her, and clearly she wasn't in a position to say it back, and now things were different, and—

It was a lot. He missed seeing her smile all the time, the lengths they went to to touch hands in secret. And now she'd been looking a little sadder every day, and why would it be for any other reason than her realizing she didn't feel the same?

(Was it bad to admit that his thoughts so frequently revolved around her?)

"I shouldn't have said it," he repeated, a bit more firm in his conviction. "—Not that it's any less true, but I should have known not to throw it on you so soon. And now I can see that you're unhappy, and I know I've made it awkward because I've put pressure on you. He was rambling now, but more words were better, right? More of a chance for her to grasp his meaning, less opportunity for her to misinterpret it. "And we don't spend as much time together, and I know it's because you don't feel the same—which is fine, and I don't blame you—and now I know I should have just..." He took a deep breath and lowered his voice, which was probably for the best because his throat was now sore and he was too loud anyways. "... kissed you and let you go."

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Fortunately for him, his explanation helped to settle her nerves a little bit. She hadn't meant to make him believe that Christmas had been the source of her misery since then. January was historically bad for her, not that she had shared with anyone why, only Lester had been clued in and that was because he too had lost a sibling and could understand. Otherwise she didn’t want to make anyone miserable with her or worse, pity her because of it. Despite his admissions now, she still couldn’t bring herself to say anything.

”Please don’t be sorry,” She couldn’t handle anyone else being sorry these days. ”It’s not that I don’t— that I don’t care about you. Obviously I do,” Merlin’s beard she hoped it was obvious! She wouldn’t just run around and risk expulsion with just anyone! ”It’s just that, I’m fourteen, I don’t even know, wha-what love is, you surprised me and I was caught off guard.

I’m not unhappy because of you.” No, so far he was one of the only things going right these days. Though maybe in time she would tell him about Sawyer, she’d moved on from that particular pain now. The whole fiasco with Alice weighed on her  heavily however and he needed to fix it. ”Things are still fractured and I hate it. Calla’s picked up on it, Alice and I, well I tried to fix things, but I failed.” She sighed, looking back out over the water again as she trailed off.

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He knew she was just trying to make him feel better, but somehow it just - didn't. He didn't feel better, because he'd still said it, and now he couldn't take it back and say it for the first time at a time where she was prepared to say it back. It sounded so silly when he reminded himself (or she reminded him, as she just had) that they were merely children in the scheme of things, but it didn't feel like it! He loved her.

"I wish I would have saved it for a better time," he lamented, looking absolutely miserable. It was one of the things they apparently had in common at the moment, because it seemed like she was going through other stuff.

"I didn't know you and Alice were going through it." In hindsight it seemed like on of the things he should know about, but he'd gone to great lengths to avoid Alice and any conversations about her. He'd even stopped studying for his Potions OWL to spite her, even if it would hurt only him in the end. Where their other friends were concerned... well, he'd been a little distant too, but not purposefully. He still had Maddy and Alcyone as family, and he couldn't exactly avoid Ned and Lester when he shared a dorm, and Calla always seemed to show up when she was needed most, but as a group? They hadn't really been all together as one lately.

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Sloane very nearly rolled her eyes at that. They all used to be so good at reading one another, being there for one another, the whole group and now it sucked. There were factions and fractures and it was driving her mad. "Yeah, well it's not me she's mad at, but she doesn't believe we can still be friends when it's you she has a problem with, because of the nature of our... relationship." It probably sounded harsh, but if she couldn't be honest with him, what was the point?

"So now I'm stuck in the middle, which is miserable, by the way, because I miss my friend and I thought everything would go back to somewhat normal after Sisse and I made up, but it's still not and I hate it." She did, it was awful. No one person was to blame, not really at this point, Calla had been right about that. Sloane was still comfortable shouldering most of the weight of the guilt and the blame, but in this instance, she couldn't be held responsible.

Looking out over the water, she sighed slowly, watching the clouds roll in for a moment, hoping she hadn't been too straightforward there, but also not entirely apologetic about it.

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Cameron grumbled at the further conversation about Alice. "Yeah, well, I know that. She didn't like that I lied to her, and blah blah blah." He was usually hypersensitive of Sloane's feelings, having made a great effort since the summer to avoid any unnecessary conflicts, but Alice was a sore spot; he would have preferred it if Sloane had taken to avoiding her, too, but he knew it was an unreasonable expectation.

He reached over and touched her knee. He loved her, he really did, but she needed to know that he wasn't going to try to repair it. "It's not right of her to make you choose me or her." He wasn't trying to make himself out as a saint, but at least he hadn't forced Sloane to ditch Alice to be with him. "She's a fair weather friend, it seems. If she wants to be like that, then let her."

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It took a moment for what Cameron was saying to really sink in. He thought Alice to be a fair-weather friend? Really? Subconsciously she shifted away from his touch, retracting her hand from his to look at him, really look at him for a moment.

"You admitted you reacted poorly, said you regretted it, but you now blame her and won't apologize?" Who was forcing the choice now? She stood abruptly, scrambling to her feet to take a couple steps back. If she didn't, she might shove him right off the end of the dock into the icy lake just below. "At least I can admit when I'm wrong and try to make amends." She had, in almost every fight they'd ever had and the one with Sisse. She'd tried to take the blame with Alice, but Alice wouldn't let her and apparently for good reason.

"You're the one forcing the choice." It came out intentionally blunt, Sloane wasn't going to beat around the bush here. "You know you can attempt to fix something you have blame in but are refusing to." Meaning he could make it less miserable, but he simply wouldn't. "You think you're grown up enough to tell me you love me, but not adult enough to admit when you're wrong and apologize, is that really what I'm hearing right now?" It was harsh, but she meant it.

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The following 2 users Like Sloane Bixby's post:2 users Like Sloane Bixby's post
   Alice Dawson, Lester Hatchitt

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Cameron felt the anger rising in his chest, but he didn't act on it. He'd done so too many times before, and he knew it never ended well. But she was angry, and she was angry at him, not Alice, and furthermore she thought the situation between him and Alice was anything like the fight she'd had with Sisse. He stood up as she moved away, his brows knitted in frustration.

"I reacted poorly, and I am sorry for that, but I don't want to give her any indicator that I want to be friends right now," fired back, taking a step towards her. "I don't care if you're friends with Alice. She's your friend, too. I would never force you to put any friendship aside." She hadn't known how many hours he'd spent in agonizing insecurity over her friendships with Ned and Lester, but he didn't say anything because he'd known it wasn't his place. But she wanted to police his friendships—not about who he could be friends with, but about who he was allowed to not be friends with, and it felt like he wasn't being given a choice in how he approached his broken friendship with Alice.

"And I do love you—so, so much, and I know you don't want to hear it but it's true. You have to know how awful it feels to have that thrown in my face." If the hurt hadn't been evident on his face before, it was now. "But I don't think you care about how I feel. You only want me to make up with her so she'll accept you again. It doesn't matter that she hurt me, too, does it? Can't you understand?" Enough time had passed and Cameron could not remember the details of his fight with Alice, but he still remembered feeling bewildered about how she'd yelled at him for not trusting her. Her reaction had been the exact reason why he hadn't told her!

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Did he even hear himself? Everyone apparently cared about her friendships, but not enough for her to actually enjoy them without having to worry about what another person thought about it. This was beyond frustrating and she could feel the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes as she fought for the calm she needed to keep her hair from betraying her mood.

"If I'm told one more time, by one more person, "I don't care who you're friends with" I'm going to scream, because that is obviously not the case." She really was going to lose it if one more person said that to her. Even if she could see and hear that he was hurting right now, she was too worked up to give it any attention.

Sloane clinched her fists at her sides as he continued, trying to wait until he was done and she just barely managed. "I don't care?" She blurted out finally. There was a clear tone of incredulity to her voice and her expression as her eyebrows shot up and her volume rose just a little. A breathless laugh of disbelief followed as she looked upward both to stem the tears and to give herself a moment to think. "I didn't throw anything in your face, but I'm apparently selfish enough not to think of anyone but myself. You know what the problem is?" She was on a roll now, words and tears spilling out simultaneously as she turned watery blue eyes back to his.

"I care too fucking much. I'm sorry I hate seeing two people I care about not speaking over something that has every potential to be fixed, or that our friend group is splitting at the seams and it's my fault. I'm trying to fix things but if you don't want any part in even trying then I don't know what I can do. But I won't be made to feel like that's something I've done wrong." Sloane understood Calla a lot better in that moment and when she came down off this emotional whirlwind, she was going to apologize to her best friend.

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Cameron let out an exasperated sigh, threw his shoulders up into a massive, exasperated shrug, and shook his head. Clearly she had no idea how she sounded either, thinking it was her job to fix everything and hold everyone together. Didn't she understand that he and Alice just... didn't want to talk anymore? Was that too difficult to understand, or was she still grasping onto the idea that they could return to the friend group they'd been before emotions and jealousy began invading every crevice, sometimes for the best but also sometimes for the worst?

"You haven't done anything wrong, Sloane," he insisted, grasping for her hand. She was upset, he was upset, apparently Alice was upset, and now they were standing here, on St. Valentine's Day, fighting because of it. "You haven't done anything wrong, and it's not fair that you're in the middle of it. If - if I'd know how everyone was going to react...." He'd have done, what? Stopped himself before he'd admitted his feelings for Sloane? He knew that wasn't true; he loved her, and he meant it, and just because she thought it too early didn't make the feelings any less intense. Even if they'd never started sneaking around in the shadows, those feelings would have shown up eventually, right?

"I don't want you to be angry, but I just don't want to be around her right now. Are you telling me that we can't be happy unless I fix things with her? Is that it?" Because if it was, he wasn't sure they would ever be happy. Of course, he could make an effort. He could go to Alice and say sorry, but there was no guarantee she'd accept an apology or apologize in return. Why did Alice suddenly pull so much weight in Sloane's mind? So much weight in their relationship?

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