Deep within herself, Fallon knew she was in a mess of her own making. Someone — be it Lachlan, Jesse, or herself — was going to be devasted by whatever choices she made. There was no simple resolution, no way to determine the correct choice. Perhaps because there was none. Both Jesse and Lachlan were perfect for her in their own ways. Being around Jesse was simple now that they worked through the worst of their problems. Before tonight, Fallon had even begun to contemplate their future. Courting, weddings, vacations. A joyous future was right there, all she had to do was destroy Lachlan first.

"Yes." Another unexpected confession. Another stone laid upon the pile. Fallon's eyes welled with tears, her grief over losing Lachlan permanent in her heart already. They survived so much together in such a short time. His were the arms that comforted her in her darkest moments. His were the words that guided her when she was inches from giving up, from dooming them to a frozen death.

She had to tell him.

She had to.

Taking a deep breath, Fallon swiped uselessly at her eyes. "I can't do this," she said feebly. "I ... I have to go."

She couldn't tell him.

  

The hope was there, alive in him for the first time since... well, since everything had happened. It had been so long since he had a real, genuine reason to smile. It had been so long since he'd felt so... boyish. Eager, almost, if that was a feeling he was capable of having while stuck so stiffly in place.

Yes, she'd said. The fear faded from his place, and a smile began to twitch on his lips. Began to. He didn't have much time to celebrate the revelation, to celebrate his ability to share his feelings just once with success. Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes, and Lachlan could only watch as Fallon began to cry.

I can't do this. It left her lips just as quickly as the affirmation of her feelings had, and just as quickly it squished whatever smile and whatever joy was beginning to make its way to the surface. His own face fell, and for the first time in years, he stared at a woman with his own tears welling in his eyes.

This was why he didn't share his feelings. This is why he usually denied them altogether.

He never would again. He swore it, right then and there.

"Please," he whispered before he could think of anything more rational to say. What do you mean?, he could have said, or even, I'll see you soon. Lachlan was prepared to lose her before, and might be now, if she hadn't just seconds ago admitted to feeling something for him. If she hadn't kissed him back with such a passion that she couldn't backpedal her way out of this. If he hadn't jus come to the realization of how deeply he truly cared. He felt a jolt in his chest, and the tears blurred his vision. "Please don't."

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Right now, Jesse was likely readying himself for bed with an elated hope for his future. A new flat, an expected romance in the future, his world was shiny bright. He deserved better than his would-be love to give herself to another person while still committed to him. He deserved better than someone who's heart was so torn there was no discernible way out. No matter what she did, who she chose or didn't choose, someone would be devastated.

Fallon wished in that moment she could curl up and hide with Malou, that she could talk through her feelings and come to a sound conclusion before anyone got hurt. Malou would know what to do, even if she didn't know who to choose. Fallon fidgeted anxiously with the end of her falling-apart braid. Auburn tendrils framed her flushed and tear stained face.

Lachlan was pleading for her not to go. Lachlan, who just kissed her so thoroughly her lips still tingled, had feelings for her. Fallon was rooted to her spot, once again unable to make the choice she knew she must. He deserved better, too. He deserved someone who didn't unwittingly lead him on and encourage his affection. Someone who didn't miss the signs and fell in step with him before falling for someone else. More tears streamed down her face, only now she didn't bother wiping them away.

"I didn't know you cared," she explained through her tears. "I didn't think you felt this way...I'm so sorry."

  

Fallon was crying. Fallon was crying. Fallon was crying.

There was only one time before that he thought he'd seen Fallon cry. It was one late night in the cave, when it was getting dark and they hadn't had any food for the day. Fallon was preparing their blankets and recasting her charms for the evening, and in a half-asleep, feverish state he'd sworn he heard a sob. It could have been his own, looking back on it, but he'd been convinced that she was crying. But when she'd turned back to look at him, her eyes were clear and she'd worn a comforting smile.

Now she was standing here, apologizing to him, crying. His heart ached, not for the first time tonight.

He stepped forward and pulled her into a crushing hug, something he needed just as much as her. He'd grown used to her hugs—even more used to them than his own mother's. They usually felt calming, natural, even; but tonight, it felt like a message. A plead. Maybe a goodbye.

"Why are you apologizing?" he murmured into her ear, his own tears rolling down his cheeks. He needed to know, and he needed to know before she left him tonight. It was the missing piece in this puzzle.

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— way too attractive set by mj <3 —

Selfishly, she clung to him. The steady thump of his heartbeat a familiar reminder of his health. During their lost time together, it was his heartbeat that lulled her to sleep. Another wave of tears overcame her as she felt his own sinking into her hair. What a cruel universe they lived in to be denied their chance. Their timing was off, if they had met a month sooner, maybe. Maybe they could've been happy. Maybe this wouldn't feel as though she was crushing her own heart into dust.

Fallon took another long minute to just hold onto him, to memorize the feel of his skin against hers and how protected she felt in his embrace. Then, slowly — too slowly — she extracted herself from his embrace. Spilling her secret wasn't something she could confess to from the safety of his touch. "I ... I'm involved with someone. Not courting or anything like that, not yet." Fallon couldn't confess to where she and Jesse stood. "I never thought we had a chance...I thought you weren't interested in me."

  

Lachlan made sure to wipe his tears before she pulled back. He couldn't let her see him cry, not when he wanted to tell her the truth. No sugar-coating. No lying. She was going to leave one way or another, and he needed to be able to sleep that night knowing how to move forward—and if she would be there when he did. There were plenty of excuses he anticipated: job, trauma, not needing a relationship in the middle of all this. Little did he know... she already had one.

If it was possible to visibly flinch, Lachlan did just that. He drew in a sharp breath, almost as if he'd been seared by dragon's breath or struck in the gut by a rogue bludger. It stung just as much. "Involved?" he asked, a series of emotions flashing across his face—confusion, sadness, frustration, anger. What the fuck did "involved" mean? He could have screamed, cried even; however, he was so stunned that he could do nothing but stare. "So involved that this..." He motioned between him and her, remembering how just moments ago she'd clung to him as they kissed. "... can't happen?" Translation: You can't drop him?

(Besides, if she was so into him anyways, she wouldn't have kissed him just now. She would have mentioned him, too, he told himself. This was Fallon. He knew her. He knew her heart. He swore it. He believed it. She wouldn't have hidden it from him. He couldn't believe that.)

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— way too attractive set by mj <3 —

Fallon watched as the meaning of her words sunk in, watched as a flurry of emotions registed on his face. Their unfortunate circumstances were an unavoidable collision of forbidden desire, a harsh reality neither of them could have predicted. Fallon yearned to close the distance between them once more, to cling to him as she had a minute ago, to kiss him until her attachment to Jesse was forgotten entirely. She tried to, too. She tried to force her foot to step forward — be it to collide into him or leave as she ought to — but it proved as impossible a feat as the decision she faced.

"This?" She eventually echoed. It was one thing to confess feelings, to want and desire, it was an entire other to act on it. Lachlan proved he wasn't reliable, either. He proved that his demons loomed as large as dragons. This confession could be just that, a confession, before he into the darkness again. And then what?

Finally, she stepped closer, barely an inch but movement nevertheless. "What is this? What ... what are we?" Fallon asked cautiously, feeling as though she were dancing along a cliff's edge just waiting for a rock to crumble beneath her.

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   Angelica Selwyn

Merlin, he only hoped he didn’t look as much a mess on the outside as he felt on the inside. He wanted so much from her, wanted to do so much to her, and yet it he found himself struggling to identify to pinpoint what that was. What were they? They were a mess: an unlikely pair that met in unlikely circumstances and developed an unlikely bond. It was a sort of intimacy that didn’t just happen to anyone. It was not the normal, run-of-the mill romantic love built on affection and attraction, but neither was it pure lust. It was deep—too deep. And yet, he wanted her.

“I don’t know,” he responded, because for once it was easier to be honest than to lie. He wasn’t sure what her other “attachment” was like. She’d said it wasn’t a courtship yet, but the mere implication that it wasn’t yet had him convinced that he was some regular guy. They’d talked about their futures once, and ironically enough he’d been the one who’s admitted to wanting to settle down. How could he have known that it was Fallon who was heading down that general direction? He could have laughed if not for the pain that fact brought him.

What he did know is anything that came from their mutual feelings was likely to be as unconventional as their current relationship. Lachlan had said he wanted to marry, but he couldn’t see himself courting her. Not in the traditional way. It made no sense; the motions of courtship existed to help a couple get to know each other, and Lach already knew too much about her. He didn’t know if she even wanted that, even. Just as disheartening, he knew he couldn’t function in a purely physical relationship. He wasn’t that type of person.

“But I know I want it. And I’m no good at sharing,” he admitted, staring into her brown eyes. It was not a purely lust-driven desire, either; he wanted to have her there, always by his side, and he couldn’t bear to think that she was taking comfort in another.

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— way too attractive set by mj <3 —

If not for the look in his eyes, Fallon was certain she would have left then. Not knowing where the road they were on would lead them was frightening. Lachlan wanted her now, but who was to say he would still want her when he learned to cope with his grief? Jesse was a sure thing (or so Fallon believed). He was stable and happy and very obviously wanted wherever things were going with them. What if in throwing what she had with Jesse away she wound up alone? Fallon never used to believe she would find happiness with someone else, and now the possible loneliness was more crushing than she'd care to admit.

"I'm afraid," Fallon admitted in a near whisper. Not of him, not of what being with him could be, but of having him then losing him once more. She could hardly stomach eight days of silence between them, where would a lifetime leave her? How would she manage if they were to never speak again? Perhaps friends was a better route for them than the rocky path they were now moving down.

Perhaps safety was the better choice.

She was about to say that, too. She was about to deny them and flee, to choose Jesse and his safety. It was the choice Malou would make, wasn't it? The reliable, logical choice. The right choice.

Only, Lachlan had that look in his eyes and Fallon could do no such thing. "I can't lose you, Lachlan. You mean too much to me. What if ... this ruins us? What if we could no longer be friends?" She gestured between them weakly, her tears still flowling freely. "Please, don't...don't say anything you aren't sure of."

  

Lachlan was afraid, too, but of much different things than she was. Lachlan was afraid of rejection, afraid of heartbreak. Those fears had lingered in his heart since Hogwarts, and it wasn’t limited to romance. It was part of the reason the scandal has shaken him so deeply: a good portion of the population had pinned the blame on him for the death and called for him to resign or be fired. It was rejection.

Fallon was afraid she would lose him, and he understood. Until today he hadn’t admitted to himself that he cared about her beyond friendship. Before today he’d been mentally shut off from the idea of relationships period.

And now he was here, trying to convince her to pursue one with him. It was an unexpected turn of events.

“I know. I understand,” he said somberly, taking a step forward. He grabbed her wrist and simply held it, as he had a number of times before. “I just... Knowing that there’s someone else... I think this would be the only way forward. I...” I love you. It hurts too much. I can’t watch you be with someone else. What else could he say? “I can’t pretend to be just friends anymore. Not now.”

Not that it was her responsibility, and giving her an ultimatum probably wasn’t the best idea, but he couldn’t pretend to be friends with her and watch as she crawled back into another’s arms. It would be more suffering than it was worth. He knew it was more honorable to be her friend, because he did care about her feelings aside, but he knew his limits. He knew what he could and couldn’t do.

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   Angelica Selwyn

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— way too attractive set by mj <3 —

There it was — the inevitable ultimatum she refused to make. Lachlan or Jesse. Safety or risk. Fallon's heartbeat was like a hummingbird's wings, thundering away in frantic anxiety. No matter what, she was going to mourn this decision. She was always going to pinpoint this moment as the pinacle of her regret. The moment of what ifs she focused on in times of frustration and anger.

His hand was loose on her wrist, so loose that Fallon was able to withdraw from his grip without any resistance. Forcing an ultimatum decision when they were both this confused and hurt and, at least in her case, distracted by desire, wasn't the right timing. "I need time to think, if that's okay?" If it wasn't the choice would be made for her, wouldn't it? If Lachlan cared for her — truly cared for her — he would understand the complex nature of his ask. Yes, she loves him. Yes, if Jesse wasn't in the picture she wouldn't have withdrawn from their passionate kiss. But the fact remained: Jesse existed, and Fallon owed him the few moments to think.

"Please, don't be angry," she pleaded and stepped towards him once again. If only Fallon could hug him once more. "There's history there too. I don't want to regret choosing to be with you."

  

She withdrew her hand so easily that for a moment he thought she was about to apologize; that she would tell him that her relationship with this mystery man was better for her than whatever they could potentially have. Even not knowing his identity he might have agreed. Lachlan was a shadow of his former self, the man she'd first met. His teasing and jests had been replaced with self-deprecating comments and dark jokes, and—at least physically—he was a mass. If only he was that selfless.

Lach didn't want to give her time. He wanted to hear here and now that she wanted him. He didn't deserve it, of course, and neither did the man Fallon would have to break it off with for them to be able to pursue any sort of relationship. But because he knew how risky of a chance he looked like to an outsider, and because he loved Fallon despite his unwillingness to speak it aloud, he simply nodded.

"Promise to tell me your decision in-person, though," he said, his one request. He couldn't bear to face heartbreak via letter. In fact, he would ignore all letters from her until she came to face him once more out of fear of what was written inside. "Don't write to me. I need to hear it from you." At least that way, in the event that she chose the other man, he could decide whether or not he could still fight for her.

If he had it in him.

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   Fallon Gillespie

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— way too attractive set by mj <3 —

Despite knowing his request was the only fair option to break such news, Fallon couldn't help but feel apprehensive in agreeing. Writing her refusal (if it was a refusal) would be far easier for her to cope with than witnessing his heartbreak in person. She would be able to better hide her tears and misery at having had to choose, and he wouldn't be able to press the issue further. A letter was the only clean cut option to say goodbye, and Lachlan had just denied her that ease.

Had she really expected differently?

"Of course," she agreed quietly. Fallon didn't know what was to come next, couldn't given the unpredictability of the conversations she was to have. "I'll try not to take long." A drawn out thought process would only serve to make her that much more anxious and make the decision that much harder to accept. Stepping forward, Fallon stood on her tiptoes, braced herself on his shoulders and kissed his cheek. Their height difference made the kiss difficult, something they'd have to work on in the future if they did end up together.

Then, with great reluctance, Fallon dropped her hands from his arms and stepped backwards once more. "I'll see you soon," she promised. Though, how soon she couldn't tell. And, with that, she walked towards the floo and disappeared in a puff of green smoke.