May 22nd
Miss Zelda
I worry about you a lot.
I suppose I don't really know you well enough to do that, but I do anyway. I think that last month was the first time you had done anything like that — and I know, at least, it was the first time you'd actually done that — and I know I already said I'm sorry, but I just keep coming back to it and thinking that it shouldn't have happened like that. It shouldn't have been me.
I grew up with all of these ideals and this whole system of morality that was entirely subverted when I was abroad and living with people who didn't do things the way the English do at all, and so I don't know exactly what I believe any more about a lot of things. I don't know if it's wrong to do what we did before being married or not. I do think that it's supposed to be intimate and special, and when it happens it shouldn't just be one night, it should be part of... something. A bigger commitment. I told you I couldn't give you that and I shouldn't have been that guy last month.
The thing is, I think I could have been that guy, if things had been different. If I hadn't been about to leave and we'd taken a little more time and done things a little differently, maybe... the thing is, I really like you. I like that your smile seems so honest and that you get so excited about things. I think you're the first person I met when I came back to England who actually seemed to care about where I'd been or what I'd been doing while I was away. We had this connection when we met — chemistry, I guess — and if things had just been different...
The part I worry about is that I don't know if you had that in the back of your mind when all of this was going on, and that's why things ended up the way they did, or whether you just had a bit of a crush, and things still ended up the way they did. I worry because I don't really know you, and I don't know if you might go get a bit of a crush on some other bloke and end up in the same situation with someone who is all wrong for you, someone who couldn't ever be that guy even if things had been different, and I feel as though I've opened you up to this whole world of potential hurt and didn't stick around to ensure you had the tools to keep yourself from getting hurt.
Not that I can tell you any of that now, when we haven't spoken in weeks and you probably hate me.
With good reason. You ought to hate me. I took something you can't ever get back, and I didn't give you anything in return, and then I left.
I'm sorry.
J. A. D.
I worry about you a lot.
I suppose I don't really know you well enough to do that, but I do anyway. I think that last month was the first time you had done anything like that — and I know, at least, it was the first time you'd actually done that — and I know I already said I'm sorry, but I just keep coming back to it and thinking that it shouldn't have happened like that. It shouldn't have been me.
I grew up with all of these ideals and this whole system of morality that was entirely subverted when I was abroad and living with people who didn't do things the way the English do at all, and so I don't know exactly what I believe any more about a lot of things. I don't know if it's wrong to do what we did before being married or not. I do think that it's supposed to be intimate and special, and when it happens it shouldn't just be one night, it should be part of... something. A bigger commitment. I told you I couldn't give you that and I shouldn't have been that guy last month.
The thing is, I think I could have been that guy, if things had been different. If I hadn't been about to leave and we'd taken a little more time and done things a little differently, maybe... the thing is, I really like you. I like that your smile seems so honest and that you get so excited about things. I think you're the first person I met when I came back to England who actually seemed to care about where I'd been or what I'd been doing while I was away. We had this connection when we met — chemistry, I guess — and if things had just been different...
The part I worry about is that I don't know if you had that in the back of your mind when all of this was going on, and that's why things ended up the way they did, or whether you just had a bit of a crush, and things still ended up the way they did. I worry because I don't really know you, and I don't know if you might go get a bit of a crush on some other bloke and end up in the same situation with someone who is all wrong for you, someone who couldn't ever be that guy even if things had been different, and I feel as though I've opened you up to this whole world of potential hurt and didn't stick around to ensure you had the tools to keep yourself from getting hurt.
Not that I can tell you any of that now, when we haven't spoken in weeks and you probably hate me.
With good reason. You ought to hate me. I took something you can't ever get back, and I didn't give you anything in return, and then I left.
I'm sorry.
Unsent!
MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER