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Witch Weekly · December 7, 2020 – 4:35 AM

Witch Weekly’s Guide To Hogwarts: Professors, New And Old

Chances are our readers know a current Hogwarts pupil or two, whether they are siblings, children, or nieces and nephews — and though for most of the year, Hogwarts is but a distant castle in the air, once more the school holidays approach. Were you there but a year ago, or nearer fifty? Never fear! For your convenience, Witch Weekly has compiled a need-to-know list of tidbits so that you will know your Dawsons from your Darrows, and never be short of something to strike up in conversations about the school!

MR. HEADMASTER

Headmaster Phineas Black, perhaps better known as the husband of esteemed socialite Ursula Black, is hardly a new face here. In 1876, the very year he married, he also became headmaster of the school; prior to that, he was Potions master and Head of Slytherin. Since that time, he has weathered trials and tribulations - or so one would assume, observing the most usual expression on his face. Still, lest one forget, in that time there have been murdered muggleborns and chastity cuffs, the introduction of etiquette classes and a number of bans, quidditch and halfbreed alike. He may have begun his tenure hoping to bring improvement to the school, but doing so may have had inverse effects upon his popularity. No matter: he seems remarkably settled in the position - ‘til death do they part, perhaps - though one might yet wonder how on earth he has lasted so long.

HEADS OF HOUSES
Deputy Headmaster and Head of Hufflepuff, Hamish Darrow is veritably old hat. If you attended Hogwarts after 1854, you will remember him well as a jovial soul and History of Magic Professor, who no doubt stays in touch with his favourite former students if they share his temperament! Thrice married and thrice widowed, a lady of more advanced years might still seek warmth and companionship in a marriage there — though a good bottle of whiskey might be his first love.

In character, he may not be unlike the current Head of Slytherin, Meserimus Valenduris, although at more than half a century older than Mr. Darrow, Professor Valendurius possibly has more children and grandchildren than he can count. It is fortunate that his third (shockingly younger) wife is still living, else one suspects the eminent professor would be searching for his next wife amongst his NEWT students!

In terms of marriageable men at the school, the current Head of Gryffindor, Octavius d’Orsay certainly takes that trophy without the slightest trouble — although having taken over the Defence Against the Dark Arts position, Professor d’Orsay probably isn’t troubled by much. (Except perhaps that his wife was murdered.) Nevertheless, he has experience in Alchemy and as an Auror, and could probably use an exuberant wife to save him from his inner torment.

And let us not leave out Ravenclaw, who were this year granted a new Head of House in the form of Helena Dawson, longstanding professor of Magical Theory. Known by “Nell”, at least to those who have graduated, Professor Dawson has published books and had a successful marriage - and a penchant for undoubtedly magical children’s names - and curious students might have discovered that she is an Animagus! One wonders if she ever goes for a winter dip in the Black Lake.

NEW NAMES AND FACES

Amongst the new professors in the line-up, you may hear of Edna Shacklebolt, who has taken over from Professor Carmichael in Divination this year. Diviner, seller of tarot decks and seer... and owner of the oddest-looking house one is likely to find in Irvingly, Professor Shacklebolt is a widowed mother of three and has a dash of the eccentric about her — but that is Divination for you, isn’t it?

Taking over from the retired Professor Ruskin in Charms is Professor Edward Carter, who has done excellent prior work in Charms but has failed to make a marriage. Still, he comes from a family of artists and painters, which speaks to a chance of romance. Perhaps the next portrait he paints will be yours.

More formidably comes the appointment of Deanna Benwick as Hogwarts’ new etiquette instructor of 1890, a familiar socialite and mother of Freya Selwyn. One impeccably raised daughter may have given her a head full of hubris, however — a whole school of children might prove another matter for her. Best whip your returning Hogwarts pupils into shape over the holidays or rumour has it they will be facing remedial etiquette on their schedules, and that is surely the way to doom a social debut from the start.

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Issue #248 - Witch Weekly’s Guide To Hogwarts: Professors, New And Old