25 September 1891 — Emrys' Home, Bristol

The bravest thing to do would have been to arrive via floo straight after he'd received her letter some hours ago, but he hadn't done that. By the time she'd sent him the first missive he'd been mildly high — not enough to be enjoyably displaced from the world and its troubles, but only enough to heighten his anxiety, which was an apt microcosm for how this entire day had gone. Regardless, he couldn't face her again until he was sober. He wasn't sure what to expect from this confrontation, but he knew he wanted his wits about him in order to give whatever she proposed his full attention and scrutiny.

He wasn't feeling very optimistic about it. The first time he'd skimmed through her letter it had seemed like she was offering him what he wanted, but the farther removed he was from that initial read the less confident he became in it. He had turned all of this over in his mind many times when he'd debated whether or not it was worth pursuing a bride, and he had never come up with a solution in which he 'lost nothing of value.' How likely was it that she had succeeded where he had failed, in the span of a few hours? It was more likely that she'd misunderstood the situation and had "solved" things in a way that wouldn't make anything better. Earlier he'd tried to take a step back and look at things from her perspective, to try and guess what she might be planning. The first thing that had popped into his head (the use of magic such as the polyjuice potion to allow Angelica to sate his 'fetishes' without necessitating other partners) had made him feel physically nauseous, so he'd had to stop thinking about it.

Down in the pit of his stomach, Emrys didn't really want this solved. He wanted to go back to his life as it was two days ago, before he'd told her anything. Telling her had been a mistake, and if he couldn't take it back then at least he wished things would have worked out the way he'd expected when he said it: for her to have an honest, if ugly, reaction and then leave him in peace. He wasn't worried about her telling anyone else — in order to do so, she'd have to reveal their relationship, which would be more compromising for her than it would for him. The best case scenario for both of them would be to break things off straight away. Angelica might think that she was helping with whatever scheme she'd come up with, but Merlin — he didn't know if he'd even be able to make it through the conversation, depending on which way it went. If she started looking at him like she pitied him, he was going to lose his mind. If she tried to suggest something she was obviously uncomfortable with in a desperate attempt to keep him, he was going to be sick.

While he'd turned all this over in his mind, he'd eaten, he'd shaved, and he'd had a cup of coffee. He looked like he was prepared for this, even if he didn't feel it. He flooed home and was relieved to find the parlor empty, at least for the moment. He suspected Angelica was still there, somewhere, but for the moment he could shake the ash from the fireplace off his clothes and carefully school his expression without an audience. That done, he moved to the sideboard and fixed himself a drink — not because he needed alcohol, but rather because he suspected a prop to hold onto during this conversation would help him keep his grip on reality.

He heard her at the doorway while he was fixing the drink. His shoulders tensed slightly in anticipation, but he didn't turn to face her yet. "Good afternoon," he said. It wasn't, from his perspective, but those two words were the safest he could come up with. Anything else he could have used to greet her — Angelica, darling, my dear, Professor — was too fraught. Not even two words in to the conversation, and already it was a minefield.

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@"Angelica Vorona"

  

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Lou made this! <3

I love you was the last thing she whispered once his breathing evened out and she just managed to outlast him. It was unexpected and - worse - consequential, but it didn't outdo the mortification she felt at waking up alone. She waited, her chest tightening to see if he would return with a tray and a smile (unlikely) or back from some morning business. For agonizing seconds, Angelica waited before accepting Emrys was not coming out of the closet. Angelica had conflicted feelings about that discovery. Once alone, the fear set in, and the heartbreak woke up. She allowed herself a good cry into the pillows before resolving to fix this.

The rest of the early morning had her pacing his guest bedroom, cataloging the revelation of the night before. Angelica knew that men could fancy men and women could desire women. She'd found a woman beautiful before and perhaps desired the woman over her wardrobe, but everyone felt that, certainly. For a man to take another man as his lover was so - what? It wasn't grotesque, as she knew she was meant to feel, but Angel could never condemn the unspoken understanding she had about Felix. She did her best not to dwell on her oldest friend's proclivities for her peace and nothing else.

With Emrys, it was another thing entirely. Once she gave into the reality of the statement, Angel could perhaps say she was intrigued. The idea of genuinely desiring both sexes seemed strange to her. He was hardly the confirmed bachelor, reluctantly continuing the family line and in need of a woman by necessity. If every soft thing he'd written her or breathed against her ear was a lie, she still knew passion. He wasn't lying back to think of Wales and hoping for a quick heir. He desired her, or he had until last month.  He was ever the mystery.

The day had sprinted to crawl as she forced some structure into being. Her wish did not change; her goal did not change; the tactics, of course, had been shot to hell. She had the practical reasons and the emotional ones on a tight leash. Nevertheless, the fact that he was here and hadn't demanded her departure while he was out was shocking. By the time she'd formulated her grand plan (or great stubborn determination) and sent off the owl to meet, it was time to prepare. It took securing the word of his housekeeper, but Angelica had time to floo to her own home and prepare for negotiations. That should not feel so dire.

If her perfume had soft hints of the vanilla oil he'd introduced to her baths, she would never deny it. It went without saying she'd be wearing her first gift from him tonight. The smokey quartz and soft cream of her dress were meant to appease and remind him of the woman beneath his usually bold lover. She didn't know what to give in response to his secret as she could barely articulate her reaction to the news, but she could offer him an image of her beyond their current arrangement.

Signaled to his arrival, she left her temporary base in his guest quarters and moved to the same sitting room that had a world of memories for her. She offered a smile to his stiff back, a deep breath reminding her she had only a single opportunity to get this right.

"Good afternoon," Angel took her time before further breaking the silence. "Thank you. I know this is unpleasant for you, but it will be worth the trouble." She had moved into the room and hovered near the edge of a sofa. She was tempted to sit and motion for him to join her, but distance felt precious at the moment. She wouldn't force his proximity at this moment; he needed to have every ounce of control in this decision as she could safely give him. She gave a small huff of annoyance, realizing a rather ridiculous oversight, "I do not know how to greet you presently." She gave him a tiny shrug if he'd turned to see it. How do you greet a lover whom you've come to love? How did she address him when twelve hours before, they'd been in bed together? Certainly not covered in the etiquette primers.

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MJ made this miracle!

Emrys grimaced slightly at the acknowledgement of 'how unpleasant this was. Fortunately, he had his back to her still, so didn't have to worry about her observing his expression. She might have noted extra tension in his shoulders, or that he dropped the ice into his glass more clumsily than he usually did, but there was nothing to be done about that. This conversation was bound to be unpleasant, that was true, but it didn't have to be. It didn't have to happen at all. If she was uncomfortable with what he'd revealed, she could have just left. He'd been expecting her to leave.

He finished making his drink and turned to face her, leaning against the sideboard. He offered a half-shrug. He'd been musing over the same problem half a moment ago, so he understood what she meant, but it was impossible to conjure up a response. What was he supposed to do, encourage her to use all the same terms of endearment they were used to? He couldn't do that unless he knew she still meant them, which was far from guaranteed, given what he'd told her.

"I can't advise you there," he said simply.

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Lou made this! <3

Angelica couldn't prevent a little scowl from flashing across her face at that rather unhelpful statement. He was going to make this difficult, which she should already have anticipated. If she wanted any chance at orchestrating her own path forward, she would have to lead him on this uncomfortable journey. Taking the sofa, she considered him carefully before deciding to drive ahead. "Then you are still my Caro, if you'll allow it." She rested her hands in her lap, exerting great effort to keep from fidgeting. "I need an answer to a different question before we continue." She took her time looking up for his eyes. There were many things she could endure if he would have her, but his revelation last night had her reexamining everything that transpired. "Were you and I to be something more, I would hope you would find some fondness in your heart for me." She asked as clear as she could, steady as she could offer a question that made her chest squeeze. "Do you - have any true affection for me? Have I previously made you happy?" Fine, it was two questions, but she had to know her pirate was still present, despite his forced nonchalance.

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MJ made this miracle!

What a minefield that was. He ought to have known when she crossed her hands in her lap. He knew the answer to her question, but he couldn't see how honesty was going to make what would follow any easier for both of them. If anything, he thought it might be misleading. If she harbored any thoughts that she might be able to change him — fix his inclinations towards something more societally appropriate — then being honest with her would only give her unfounded hope in that plan. That was only prolonging the torture for both of them, only delaying the inevitable heartbreak. He wasn't going to change. He'd been who he was his entire life, and no matter how he felt about her, it wasn't enough to rewrite his inner character. Whatever label society might have applied to him — degenerate, pervert, what have you — he'd rather own the label in his space than have Angelica believe there was some hope that with sufficient time and attention she could reform him.

But that didn't answer her question. The answer was yes, and as unwise as he thought it would be to admit it, he knew he couldn't lie about it. She'd see right through him if he tried.

Emrys considered her for a moment. He felt trapped, but not in the same way he had last night. Last night he'd been like a hunted animal. Now he felt more like a player in a game of chess who was seriously outmatched. He had to consider the situation carefully to determine how to move forward without accidentally forfeiting the game.

"I reject your premise," he eventually replied. "That we could be something more. You've conflated a title with intimacy. I've already given you everything."

(Not everything, but more than he'd ever given another person, friend, lover, or otherwise. And it was unlikely that anyone else would ever get more than Angelica had, so it might as well be everything).

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Lou made this! <3

She ducked her chin for a moment, his parry expected. If he ever rewarded her with a simple yes or no, she would be truly speechless. His silence had frightened her until she took the time to watch him think. The time it took him to form his rebuttal gave her a spark of hope, which was ridiculous and highly dangerous when he already held so much of her in his hand. She hadn't expected how easily those words went through her or how fast she could be left on the back foot. "Nearly everything," she corrected gently. She itched to invite him to sit with her, to have his hand in hers as she led him ahead. "We can protect that intimacy with your name, my dear." When he held her eyes, it was everything, the clues that lead her deeper into him, his revelation last night, all of it made up the enigmatic man she'd lost her senses to.

She gestured to the end of the sofa and the other chairs near her, asking without pleading for him to meet her in this moment. He was offering her truth and she had one of her own. "I will not stand between you and him, but I would like to know if the man I would marry knows he is cared for and, perhaps, if he has any sentiments about the witch mad enough to give up everything for him." She should pity him and push to business, but there was a difference between a sham marriage and a connection of a more personal nature. There was only one of those she would allow.

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MJ made this miracle!

Oh, dear. She was still laboring under a misconception, only this time of a different flavor. Angelica had come prepared to talk him out of his supposed feelings for Clarissa Cosgrove last night, and today she was planning to talk him out of his feelings for Arthur Pettigrew. It would have been hilarious if he was watching it from the outside, not having to live through these painful moments. Of course he wasn't particularly attached to Arthur Pettigrew, or Clarissa Cosgrove, any more than he'd been attached to previous iterations of them — Octavia Fawley, say, or Leonid Fisk. They'd piqued his interest, but they hadn't ignited his passions in the same way that she had. No one could hold a candle to her, and Emrys thought she probably knew it. How could she have been on the receiving end of all his letters, all his caresses, and not have known?

But that didn't mean he was prepared to let go of all his reservations about marriage and plunge into the unknown with her. He may not have had any first hand experience in this matter, but he had more second-hand observations than most, and he knew — knew — that no marriage ended as happily as it began. He could look in any direction to find evidence of that.

"I never asked you to give up everything for me," he pointed out. He ignored her invitation to sit, at least for the moment.

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Lou made this! <3

The purposeful avoidance of her lead again. This time, she could only count her breaths as she cocked her head. He was going to push her to the limits on this, but there was something she could not leave undecided. There was no possibility of catching him to discuss something this grave again. Taking care not to see his refusal as a rejection - it would seem her pride was still sore from last night - she forced her hands to relax. "I do not believe I asked you for everything, but by your admission, I seem to have it. And," she took her time adjusting a silly fall of hair that had come free from her combs. "Just perhaps, I found a reason to choose you over the status quo. Is it so difficult to believe that I could choose you of my own free will?" It was almost amusing, how convinced he was that she was the one in the dark, but he was one of the few clear choices. It was insane to give up her freedom as a widow and try and convince a man into marriage. It was ridiculous, at best. Reason had grown weak and she could see a future with a man that had no wish to wed. She'd grown weak around him and somehow, that wasn't enough to keep her away. He was worth this. He had to be.

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The following 1 user Likes Angelica Selwyn's post:1 user Likes Angelica Selwyn's post
   Emrys Selwyn

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MJ made this miracle!

Emrys' hand tightened around his glass until his fingers were nearly white.

"And are you sure you know what you're choosing?" he asked quietly. It was one thing to say it (one monumental thing, to be sure, because just the saying of it had made all his insides tighten), but another to commit to it in action. He still vividly recalled the moment last night where she had started to reach for him and pulled back. Nevermind the matter of marriage — this was a question he needed resolved before he so much as touched her again. He couldn't stomach being with her under false pretenses, so if she was only with him because she thought she could change him, he'd rather lose her now.

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The following 1 user Likes Emrys Selwyn's post:1 user Likes Emrys Selwyn's post
   Angelica Selwyn

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Lou made this! <3

TW: Mention of relationship violence

"Far better now than I did as a girl." She said with a sharpness she hadn't meant to share with him. She did not share that part of her memories and she had never wanted to share it with him. He was the opposite of her late husband in most ways, but she had noticed the love of secrets. Secrets nearly cost Angelica her life, she wouldn't go blindly into her heart again. This time, she would be on her guard.

It frustrated her to have him out of reach when she would prefer to lean against him and forget the last week of worries. Still, she would have an answer from him. "I choose you with a single caveat," All warmth and good nature drained from her tone as she she measured her tone. "Whatever your feelings, no matter your frustration, you will not put a hand on my in anger, or use your magic to harm me. On this, I am adamant." She would forgive him nearly anything and allow him his...own passions, but she would never be a training target again.

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MJ made this miracle!

A single caveat could be enough to make this untenable, and he was bracing for the worst... or at least he thought he was. What she actually said caught him entirely off-guard, and he was sure the confusion showed on his face. "What?" he asked, baffled and a little irritated at the direction that the conversation had turned. Did she really think him capable of that? He was sure that he'd given her no reason to think it. When had he ever done anything but worship her, when they were together?

(Well, he had pinned her down to a bed before, but only after she'd asked for that!)

He was by nature just about the farthest thing from a violent person, but she'd said it so coolly that he didn't think it was wild hyperbole. Something must have put the idea into her mind. The answer might have been obvious if his pride hadn't been so wounded by the implication that he would ever hurt her, but as it was he overlooked it entirely. "I could never — why would you even think that? That I could — do you have such a low opinion of me?"

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Lou made this! <3

She would have laughed if her fear was any less personal. At least his shock was genuine. She allowed him to vent about her demand, his pride obviously wounded. Before he could work himself further into a snit, Angelica was on her feet, her hands up in surrender. She didn't force her way into his space, but she did close the distance slightly, her voice appeasing, she hoped. "I have the highest opinion of you. Higher than you know." She said it with all the conviction in her, that was the easiest thing she'd had to say. "I ask because I will never allow such betrayal again. It is something I must ask." She hesitated before shifting in front of him, wanting him to see the truth in her reasoning. "Please understand."

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MJ made this miracle!

This time he caught it: again. His features softened, while simultaneously his brow knit in confusion. "You—" he began, but had to stop. His mind needed more time to work through this. While he thought his eyes ran over her, trying to pick up every possible clue in her body language, though he didn't really know what he was looking for.

"Your first husband?" he surmised. He wanted to hear more, but at the same time didn't know if he could stomach it. Certainly, he didn't think he could ask any more of a detailed question than that. He knew too well that some secrets weren't ones people cared to share.

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Lou made this! <3

She waited as patiently as she could for the truth to land with him. It was her past and it was painful, but she wasn't that woman anymore. "Me. A very long time ago." She watched him, wary of what she might find in him. She wanted no pity from him, not when she'd come so far. She did feel a twinge of pity for him, though. "There are no marks to find, dearest."

She thought carefully before giving him a brief nod. She had asked him to be honest with her; how could she offer less. "My first husband did not deserve the honor. You are a different man." She did her best to let her tone soften. He wasn't responsible for her past, but he had given her months of safety and comfort. For all his hesitation, and his secrets, she had a different faith in him. He protected her, whether he understood or not. "If you have questions, I will answer as well as I may. I owe you that in the least. Of course, I may relieve you of that to do so." She offered him wryly, gesturing to the glass he was nearly crushing in his hand.

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MJ made this miracle!

Emrys had conflicting feelings at her response. Of course he was a different man, and he could never imagine being so angry at someone he turned to violence... but the way she said it was still wrapped up in this idea that the two of them were destined for marriage, which wasn't something he'd ever agreed to. The assumption clawed at him, but this wasn't the time to address it. He let out a sigh and crossed the room, walking past her to sit heavily in one of the arm chairs. He deposited his drink on the nearest table and flexed his hand to disperse the tension he'd been carrying in it. "You don't owe me answers," he said with a grimace. "But perhaps I owe you some."

He swallowed before continuing, feeling his mouth and throat had both gone exceptionally dry. He doubted the drink he'd made for himself would help. "That's in your past. Firmly in your past," he clarified, hoping the underlying meaning would be clear: I could never do something like that to you. "And unless you want to tell me about it, your past is your own. When it comes to the present —" he left off as a swell of anxiety went through him. He didn't do this; he wasn't the sort of person who had heartfelt confessions and laid his soul bare for others. "—well," he continued, with some difficulty. "Perhaps I owe you some answers."

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Lou made this! <3

Words could be broken and people could change, but when Emrys said he was not a violent man, she believed him. Granted, no predator would admit to his violent ideas before he'd secured his prey, but Angelica believed him. There was a strange feeling in voicing such fear to someone that still had the power to crush her hopes. She'd given him more with her revelation than she'd given anyone still living, it was terrifying, but there was also a moment of freedom. The weight of her concern was lighter now that he knew.

His further reassurance carried her back to the sofa, the conversation surreal enough she chose to take any other revelations sitting down. She granted him a genuine smile and a 'thank you,' but something shifted as he considered. He knew how much she prized information and knowledge and she'd been curious about him from the moment he approached her. If she was honest, he did owe her answers, but she wasn't fool enough to agree with him. Conflicted between assuring him that she knew what mattered or pushing him for the answers he was obviously hesitant to provide, Angelica considered for a moment. She decided on a more neutral approach. "I will gladly listen to whatever you are willing to share with me." She honored the distance he established and settled her hands safely in her lap. It was as close to "braced" as she could be.

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MJ made this miracle!