Alfred swallowed. He understood the tension well. Since Orion was born he'd wrestled with guilt over leaving his family behind for months at a time to sail, but also with the knowledge that he'd resent them if he stopped. He expected it to be worse once the second one arrived, and he couldn't talk to Zelda about it.

He could say it to Jo; she would have understood. He hesitated, though.

"Ilona wasn't — planned," he said — not a question. "It must be tough."

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

Jo shook her head. "No, she definitely wasn't." They had taken precautions after the first lost pregnancy, that Ilona existed now was nothing short of a miracle. She didn't think Alfred needed to know about the first pregnancy, though. He already thought her to be ... easy, or at least that was what she believed. He didn't need additional reasons to confirm that belief, even if she was largely changed from how she used to be.

"I think part of me knew about her before I left." Jo confessed quietly. Her spiral made more sense when she considered the truth she had so vehemently denied to herself then. She hadn't ever said it, hadn't told Zach or Alfred or even any of her sisters about her suspicions. It had taken until she felt the first movements to truly accept that Ilona existed, and even then Jo had prepared to hand her off without a second glance. Like Ilona didn't matter. Like Ilona wasn't meant to be a huge part of her soul.

Alfred didn't need to know about that, either.

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beautiful set by mj

Alfred had intended to say something conciliatory about how Jo hadn't been ready, and it was alright to have doubts given the circumstances, but this admission brought him up short. He'd done the math before, when he'd first learned she had a daughter, so it wasn't particularly shocking that she'd been pregnant when she'd left England. But being pregnant and knowing she was pregnant seemed like qualitatively different things, at least when it came to Jo. He'd never thought through things in that light before. Did it change anything?

Their last argument, she'd come to his flat to tell him something. Had it been this? What she'd actually ended up saying was that she loved Zach but didn't think she was ready, but they'd only gotten there after she'd seen him packing up his things to move to the Sanditon; after he'd already signaled that if the choice was between leave and stay, he had chosen stay. How could she have told him anything like this after walking in to him rolling up his star charts?

"Fuck," he breathed.

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The following 1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post:1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post
   Jupiter Smith

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

It was an unexpected relief to have finally told someone who could now understand the gravity of the situation then. The relief wouldn't last, she knew, not when the dream was about to restart again any second. Alfred wouldn't remember this, he wouldn't be saddled with the guilt and disappointment in all that happened then. Just as she wouldn't be able to refer to this shared truth and expect any kind of understanding in the future. But, for the moment, it was a relief to have said it at all.

Jo suddenly wished they were back in his flat so she might curl into a tight ball on the sofa. He might've even reached out to hold her hand or hug her once. There was no chance of that happening here, though. Not even in her dreams. "Yeah." She sighed with a shrug.

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The following 1 user Likes Jupiter Smith's post:1 user Likes Jupiter Smith's post
   J. Alfred Darrow

Alfred watched her watching the pond for a second. He wanted to say you could have told me, but they both knew that wasn't true. And even if she had, would it have changed anything? Zelda had already been feeling insecure about his interactions with Jo even before he'd had that moment during their last fight, even before the scene in his stairwell during the blizzard and the midnight conversation that followed. What could he have done differently, if he'd known?

She looked so small. He wished he could put his hand on her shoulder, but he didn't want to attract any attention. He waited a long moment, thinking, before he eventually spoke again. "The one thing you said you'd change. It wasn't having her," he said slowly, as though he was trying to work it out. "It was coming back."

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

Jo couldn't look over at him. Soon, when the moment reset, she'd go back to pretending like she hadn't confessed to anything this serious. She'd play along with their conversation, maybe mention the navy again, until she awoke from this new nightmare. Until then, though, she couldn't bring herself to see the pity in his eyes. She didn't want to see the new level of understanding he now possessed.

"Yeah." Jo would never regret having Ilona. How could she? The toddler was one of her brightest joys. Coming back to Britain had only brought her pain and further entrapment. At least if she had kept Ilona a secret they could've traveled far and wide together. Now, she had to contend with Zach and his preferences too.

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Alfred nodded slowly. "So it's not her that's got you feeling trapped. It's him." This was more or less the opposite of his situation with Zelda; he'd never felt guilty about leaving when it had just been the pair of them. The revelation left him with a not-particulalry-charitable feeling towards Jo's Zach. He didn't know the man well and honestly hadn't heard much about their relationship from Jo; what she had told him had been vague but positive. In that last fight they'd had, Jo had said she loved him — even then Alfred wasn't sure if he believed her.

It wasn't his place to say anything. It wasn't his place to say anything. It had probably never been his place to say anything, but it certainly wasn't now, when they barely talked. He worried his lower lip.

"Jo, you don't —" he started. "You don't owe him this, just because he's her father."

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

"He loves her." Jo offered simply. Separating Zach and Ilona would be cruel to them both, and Jo had grown far too attached to her daughter to leave her like she had once intended to. It would've been easier to leave when she first came back, when Zach could've hired a wet nurse and Ilona wouldn't remember such a significant loss. The situation had become too complicated for her to do anything but continue to muddle through it.

"He's an amazing father and I -" Jo began to continue explaining, except Alfred was starting to repeat himself again and Jo knew the conversation to have been lost. Sighing deeply, she rubbed her eyes tiredly.

"...It's good to feel needed." She forced a smile and nod. "Of course it is. Rescuing people is a noble cause."

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Alfred couldn't quite return her smile. Something about this felt off, and it wasn't just how ludicrous it was for Jo to call him noble. She looked like she was trying too hard; the smile was forced. A second ago he'd caught her rubbing her eyes.

"Can't sleep, either?" he asked gently.

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

She shook her head, anything to stave off the sudden need to sob. "No, not in weeks." It'd been foolish to discuss something so personal with Alfred. Jo had hoped for some sense of familiarity, some path through the endless small talk towards something more meaningful, and in the end it hadn't mattered at all.

"I need to go." She muttered then, already forcing herself to her feet so that she didn't cry in front of him.

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The abruptness of her goodbye startled him. Was it something he'd said? How could acknowledging that they were both having trouble sleeping have caused her to want to leave so suddenly? Unless there was something more going on that she didn't want to talk to him about.

He probably should have just let her go, but he felt a sudden rush of sadness and frustration and — longing, there was no better word for it than longing. They didn't talk about anything real anymore and he felt as if they had just been so close to saying something meaningful, and to have been so close and then see her standing up to leave — to see that chance slipping away again.

"Jo, wait," he protested, getting to his feet as well. "Don't."

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

This was too familiar.

As much as Jo often reminded herself that Alfred never asked her to stay, she just as often forgot that he did actually ask her to stay and talk things through. He'd never been willing to bend on his choice - Zelda was it for him and she knew that, understood it on such a fundamental level that she'd never speak to him again if it meant he continued to be happy with her. But Alfred had been willing to be that friend for her, still. He just simply couldn't cross the line drawn by his pending engagement.

And Jo, if she was at all sane at the time, ought to have understood that.

And even now, as she looked at him with sad, tired eyes, Jo still struggled to fully accept his boundary. Not because she wanted things to be different or because she had some strange notion of something different happening between them, but because she had needed him in a way she'd never allowed herself to need anyone before and he hadn't chose her. It was a wound that ran so deep Jo wondered if it would ever fully close.

"Alfred, I - " need to leave. If she pushed hard enough he'd let her. Alfred had his limits, after all, and they were already standing precariously close to it. Jo opened her mouth to finish her sentence, her heart in her throat, but just as soon closed it.

This was too familiar. This was how everything turned to shambles between them.

She took a breath. "I need you to tell me what changed. If we have any hope of being friends ... I - I need to know what happened that day that changed everything so drastically for you."

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Alfred tensed. He knew which day she was talking about, of course. There were only two days anyone ever talked about anymore, when it came to Alfred and Jo: the blizzard, and the time before. Zelda had only seen how much their relationship had deteriorated the day of the blizzard, but Alfred and Jo both knew the rift hadn't opened then.

They didn't talk about it. Even stuck in his flat alone together for hours in the blizzard, they hadn't talked about it — and then it had still been fresh. He didn't want to talk about it now. Some part of him still thought she must have already known as well as he did, and that her asking was pointless masochism. Putting it in words wouldn't change anything — it would just hurt.

He stood for a moment, still tense, just looking at her. It was almost as though he were waiting her out, trying to see if she would lose her nerve and skirt the question, and he wouldn't have to say anything. Eventually his shoulders dropped. "Nothing changed," he admitted. "I just realized something that had been true the whole time."

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

Her every instinct screamed at her to turn and walk away, to flee as she had time and time before. There was no hidden floo powder or a blizzard stopping her this time - she could just as soon apparate away if she so chose. Jo knew she ought to, too. This friendship wasn't what it once was. Meeting up for a walk in the park was so unfulfilling that it was practically a waste of their time. She ought to walk away and encourage them to abandon hopes of reconciling.

She ought to, except she couldn't. Because this would be the last time, and she would spend the rest of her life missing him.

"Bullshit." Jo muttered against her better judgement, her need to flee squashed for the moment. "Everything changed that day. Everything." There was a before and an after that day now. A line so distinctive Jo could've observed it from the sky.

She sighed then, her posture shifting into something only slightly less defensive. "I'm not trying to argue with you, Alfred. I just - I can't keep sitting here making smalltalk and pretending like everything is fine. I want to move past it, and to do that I need to understand what changed. If it's so inconsequential that it isn't worth mentioning, then why can't you just tell me?"

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Alfred sighed. They weren't going to get anywhere with this, he could tell. They'd always seemed to be so in sync on everything, before. How was it so difficult to get her to understand this?

"I didn't say it was inconsequential," he pointed out. It was exactly the opposite, in fact; it was the fundamental structure of their relationship. It was everything. "I said I hadn't realized it before then."

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

She sighed again. She wasn't going to win this fight because this was a dream and even in her dreams Jo still didn't understand what had changed. "Fine. Fine, Alfred." It didn't matter anyway. The dream would end soon and they'd go back to their endless smalltalk charades. "Fine."

She turned from him again to face the lake, determined to wait until the dream restarted to end this particular exchange.

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