December 17, 1891 - Vanishing Room, Hogwarts @Upperclassman Party

Sisse was well aware of the fact that her mother would have disapproved of attending such an event, not for the mere fact that Sisse was in mourning, but for the very fact of the type of event it was.That said, Sisse had never merited an invitation before and all her friends were attending, she wasn't giving up this chance. Besides, someone needed to watch over her friends. Which was how she found herself in the middle of some secret room in the upper levels surrounded by the NEWT level students and quite a few quidditch players, sipping something. Punch, perhaps? It had a sting of a taste to it like the wine she was occasionally allowed, but she couldn't place it.

In the middle of the room some students had set up an impromptu dance area. She wasn't entirely sure what dance they were doing, it seemed a mix of the dances she had seen once or twice with the lower classes at festivals, but combined a bit with that they had learned in etiquette? Sisse loved dancing and it looked fun but Sisse wasn't about to dishonor her mother by taking part besides it wasn't like anyone was asking her.

She glanced around, where was Sloane and Alice? They had been near her just a moment ago. Suddenly Sisse felt all the reasons she shouldn't be here. Instead of dwelling on the discomfort she turned with a signature Sisse smile and said the first thing that came to mind, "I'm so glad classes are over for the term, aren't you?" Well she was a dolt for mentioning school work at a party, but there was no taking it back now.

  

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Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

Nelson had forgotten where he’d stuffed his writing-slate. Somewhere in the room, but as the party had gotten louder and more raucous and people had begun playing games he’d given up on using it – he couldn’t play any of the games that required talking anyway, but he’d played a few tunes on the piano for the people dancing and stuffed his face with snacks and played musical chairs, no problem.

More importantly, he had brought some brandy along, which he hadn’t yet lost. And raisins, so they could play Snapdragon sometime later in the dark, once he could find a bowl and set it all alight; only now he was summarily distracted by another student hovering nearby. One of Gillenwater and Bixby and Alice Dawson’s friends, he thought – that big gaggle of younger Gryffindors. But wasn’t this girl their prefect? Nelson was sure she was, and he hoped the reason she was standing alone wasn’t because she was a huge tattletale or anything.

And she was talking... to him, apparently? She was drinking something, but just in case she wasn’t sold on the party’s antics, Nelson slid the bottle of brandy along on the side table at his back so that it was hidden behind him, and leant against the table edge to feign innocence. He’d gotten his brother to smuggle it in by owl and he didn’t want to be caught red-handed with it, especially not when he had just taken a sneaky, experimental gulp straight from the bottle.

If he had been able to speak, the strong taste of it lingering in his throat might have made him need the pause anyway; but since Nelson couldn’t answer her verbally – perhaps half from the drink and half in answer – he only pulled a relieved face and nodded in emphatic agreement.

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The moment the words were out Sisse realized her mistake. Everyone knew Mr. Higgs didn't talk. What no one could decide was whether he couldn't or wouldn't. But she supposed that was no reason not to talk to him. She took his shrug and look as agreement as sought about to what to say next. They'd had classes before but she'd never actually encountered him in conversation before.

Sisse looked back at the crowd in the room. It seemed almost unreal that they were worrying over tests just this afternoon. "Are you enjoying the party?" Probably not the best idea to ask him questions, but she gave him a moment to respond before replying, "I've been enjoying it too." She admitted, pulling another smile across her lips, although perhaps it didn't quite meet her eyes and was a tad wider than her normal smile.

  

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Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

This was stilted and awful and awkward already: Nelson felt that way about most people he didn’t know well, of course, but it was made clearer by this being a party, where ostensibly the usual schooltime awkwardness should have died its death.

But maybe Nelson was only feeling a prickle of awkwardness because she looked not-quite-comfortable here. He was observant on the best of days, attuned to people’s micro-expressions as much as he was listening, and – she seemed ill at ease, whatever she said aloud.

So Nelson inclined his head in another nod and smiled, broadly, relaxing his shoulders encouragingly to prove it was true. At least in his case. Behind his back, his fingers played with the cap of the brandy bottle. Now he cocked his head a little further at Miss Thompsett, eyeing her to say you’re sure?; next he pointed at her glass, eyebrows raised enquiringly. What’re you drinking? he meant. (If it was only pumpkin juice, well, that probably explained it. He really wasn’t sure she was one for breaking rules.)

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Having never spent any time speaking with Mr. Higgs before Sisse was rather surprised that she was able to impart any meaning to his gestures. But as she took in his relaxing shoulders, his nod, and that smile, she rather felt the meaning was quite clear. Or at least she really hoped she did. "Good, I'm glad."

And then there was thar look and she almost blushed as she seemed to catch her out in her lie. She bit the inside of her lip considering. "I feel as if perhaps, I ought not to come." She admitted not really wishing to truly get into it. But then again she likely wouldn't find anymore more closed mouthed in the school then Mr. Higgs so it hardly seemed to matter what she might admit. "Although I had hoped to dance." Which no one had asked her too yet. Oh well. Likely for the best.

There was no misintpreting the questioning look and the gesture at her glass. "Oh. Just the punch from over there." She gestured back at the table with a sheepish grin. "It reminds me of the wine we have at Christmas." And then realizing that probably was a comment that would make her seem too young to be here she added, "But I don't think there is a harm in a glass or two. It is a celebration afterall." And one her mom would most sternly disapprove of, her stomach sank again even as she kept her smile in place. She definitetly shouldn't have come.

  

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Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

Ah, and there it was. She was feeling like a fish out of water – strange, Nelson thought, in spite of her being younger and a prefect; because as far as he knew, she had plenty of friends and was a sociable girl, kind to everyone without exception and more popular than most people would be.

The sympathetic smile he cast her, the slight shake of his head, quirked into more of a grin at the realisation that she was partaking in breaking the rules a little tonight, relieved that she probably wasn’t going to make this even more awkward by trying to get the older students in trouble. Nelson, with a confidential look, plucked up the bottle of brandy and brought it into view briefly, lifting it in a silent, cheeky toast, and trying not to sputter too obviously when he took another sip.

But he set it down on the table, still missing his writing slate and the difficulty of making amiable conversation without it. His gaze drifted slowly around the room and a little helplessly back to her. He had already gleaned what would make Miss Thompsett actually begin to enjoy the party, hadn’t he? So he may as well, if only to ease her nerves. (He was at least a better dancer than he was a conversation-partner.) He put the bottle down, inclined his head meaningfully at the dancefloor; feigned a deep bow with an added silly flourish before he extended his hand – as if they were at some grand society event, in some attempt to make her laugh. If she didn’t actually want to dance and had just been saying it for something to say, then Nelson would really be at a loss here.

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Mr. Higgs' look was a bit harder to read this time but she smiled as a bottle of something she thought she might have seen in her father's liquor cabient appeared and he took a sip and nodded at her. A toast? Was it presumptious to assume that was what it was? She smiled at him, although a look of concern wrinkled her brows as he seemed to look as if he'd choke.

Then Sisse watched as Mr. Higgs looked around the room, her heart sinking a little bit. Of course, she wouldn't want to be near her either if she'd just admitted to being in a less than jovial mood at a party. How terribly rude of her. She couldn't blame him for seeking an escape, even if it did sting a bit.

But then he surprised her, placing the bottle down and nodding at the dance floor, "Oh! I shouldn't-" She started but his flourished bow made her giggle and instead she found herself saying, "I should love to. Thank you." A smile tilting at her lips as she took his hand. He wouldn't have gone out of his way to do something to make her laugh if he felt it was an obligation to ask her to dance, would he? Sisse tried to consol herself. That was it, for this dance she was just going to try and enjoy it and not over think everything. She had done too much of that lately.

  

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Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

He had heard the I shouldn’t and his spirits sank like lead, because she obviously thought him too weird even to dance with at a stupid Christmas party when everyone was breaking all kinds of other rules without batting an eyelid. But by the time he’d straightened up, she seemed to have reconsidered –

Oh, thank Merlin. Nelson felt himself relax, a caught breath in his chest let out, and he grinned wryly back. The music was a lively tune, and the dancing not quite as particular as the kind from etiquette class, so he chose pretending to enjoy himself and general gusto over being too fussy with the steps. As long as his palms weren’t sweaty against her, this was fine, this was fun... although Nelson was once more dreadfully aware of his lack of ability to talk to her as they danced, even if it was just to compliment her elegance.

(Nelson had thought Hogwarts would be the hardest thing to get through in life, all those lessons and time in the dormitory and facing the Ravenclaw door-knocker. Now he was beginning to realise that at least people knew what to expect from him at Hogwarts, and that it wasn’t going to get any easier out in the real world. In fact, he thought to himself, smile slipping: it was probably only going to get worse.)

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With Mr. Higgs it was surprisingly easy to enjoy the dance. He just seemed to enjoy it, spinning her around and smiling. She smiled back, not quite sure what the steps were, but following his lead and just letting herself have fun. It was strange to stop thinking about the reasons she shouldn't have fun and just enjoy herself, but between Mr. Higgs and her love of dancing Sisse simply stopped trying not to have fun.

It wasn't like the dances in etiquette class, which her friends complained about and Sisse loved. It fact it was one of the things that Sisse was looking forward to about her debut. And probably the one consolation she would have had if she had been sent to be a Rose. She loved the steps and the music and the magic of a dance. With Mr. Higgs, there wasn't steps and there wasn't conversation, but she didn't mind. Honestly, it was nice not to have to talk, to have to put on a face, just to enjoy the whirl of their steps, Mr. Higgs's warm hands nudging her the right direction.

It was near what expected to be the end of the dance when she watched that smile he'd been wearing since she'd taken his hand onto the dance floor slip. She'd spent so many years watching for the subtle facial clues with others to determine what to say, how to say it, that she found it was no different than with anyone else. Without thinking about it, Sisse's hand gently squeezed Nelson's. As they made their way through the next few steps Sisse tried to think of a way to inquire as to the slip in the smile, but anything would require too much effort for him to reply and she wasn't sure he wanted their classmates to hear. She'd brave it. He'd gone out of his way to help her, she would do the same.

Keeping her voice low Sisse asked, "Are you alright? Squeeze my hand if not." There was only genuine concern on Sisse's face at these words and a small sympathetic smile. In fact her concern for him rather overshadowed the encroaching thoughts that she had done something wrong to make that smile slip, because she had been quite sure they had both been enjoying the dance. Perhaps... oh it was idiotic to think that he might be sad he couldn't talk to her. No boys ever were it seemed. No better not to think like that.

  

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Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

If he’d thought things were awkward before and that Miss Thompsett was incapable of reading him, Nelson was now discovering he was wrong. She had read him in an instant, a heartbeat. He had come to his senses a beat afterwards, and tried to fix his smile before the dance ended, so she could go on about her merry way, but too late: she had noticed. She had squeezed his hand.

Nelson swallowed at her question, relieved that no one else would be able to hear it, but busy trying to decide whether it was better to lie. He didn’t want to ruin things just as they’d been relaxing and beginning to have fun. She didn’t deserve to have the party ruined for her. Why did this have to be happening now, of all times to feel like panicking? 

He looked at her, actually meeting her gaze for a moment. It felt like Miss Thompsett already knew the answer. So what was the use in lying? Nelson’s hand tightened around hers, but he kept his eyes on her, hoping she would look long enough to lipread the apologetic it’s not you, I swear as he mouthed the words slowly, silently. He didn’t have his writing slate to hand; he didn’t have anything else to help explain what had just happened to him, that sudden rush of fear. The music was fading away around them – maybe it was just time to go.

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It almost surprised her when Mr. Higgs squeezed back, most boys and even girls at school wouldn't have, but she was grateful for the truth. Mr. Higgs had been kind to her when she had chosen not to brush off her discomfort, it was nice to have the opportunity to do so for him.

Sisse's eyes stayed on his face, watching for clues as to what he was thinking. He was saying something! She realized in surprise. Or rather mouthing something. It took her a moment but she did gather what he was saying and nodded. Taking advantage of the last few steps of the dance Sisse moved forward, saying quietly as she came close, "How can I help?" She met his eyes as she moved back to her position and curtsied to him, the strains of music coming to their conclusion.

  

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Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

He wasn’t sure he even had the words to describe the feeling, regardless of whether he could speak them. It was just that... he got through most days by virtue of being used to it, but... sometimes it hit him, worse than usual, iron clenching around his chest, that he felt trapped. Trapped inside himself, somehow. Stuck where he was, on some starting line, while everyone else had shot off with the race. He couldn’t keep up, because he was too different and – and – not enough. And there wasn’t any way to change that, there wasn’t any way out.

He was usually better at pushing the feeling down, but, whether it was the brandy or the loud buzzing of the party all around him or the looming end of seventh year or even the way Miss Thompsett had left her nerves behind and was trying her best to talk to him – it was hard to, just now. How can I help? She’d just asked. That was the problem. She could be the kindest person on earth, but she couldn’t.

Nelson had to think of something to ask of her, though, some way to smooth this over – he really really didn’t want to ruin her night because of this. He could ask her to look for his slate, or summon it – he could ask her to go somewhere a little quieter, and sit with him awhile, until he was himself again.

No, he couldn’t. She was nice, so she would say yes. But the dance was over, so he could put on a smile and steal away now, when she wasn’t looking... No, better make her forget anything had happened at all. She curtsied, and Nelson inclined his head in a bow but put out his hand again, almost pleading. One more? He mouthed, raising his eyebrows hopefully. Please, he couldn’t say, but he meant it: one more dance, and a couple of minutes to exist in his body and not his head and this time, this time, he would make sure to enjoy it.

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Mr. Higgs bowed as expected, but what was not expected was putting his hand out to ask for another dance. She glanced from it to his mouth just in time to catch his question. It surprised Sisse that he would want another dance if he were not quite alright. She had supposed that the dance had something to do with it, but if this was what she could do to help then she would do it.

Deliberately Sisse met his gaze and curtisied to him again, "Of course." A gentle smile slid of her lips as she placed her hand back in his grip. This was not a society dance, a second dance meant nothing more here than in etiquette class. Or at least she certainly didn't want to assume it meant anything more.

The music started back up again and Sisse smiled and followed his lead, watching his face to see if this was helping. If not, she determined, she would just have to find some other way to help. Didn't he normally keep his slate nearby, she had seen it in classes last year. Perhaps she could summon it, or if not she could find some paper.... But that was for after this, for now she just wanted to make sure that Mr. Higgs smiled again the way he had when they first started dancing.

  

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Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

She had agreed. Nelson let out a breath of relief. Fine. This would be alright. He made sure not to hold her hand too tightly this time, though he wanted to – as if it could somehow be a lifeline – and instead concentrated on hearing the music and feeling the steps and watching a wavy blonde lock of Miss Thompsett’s slipping gradually out of place by her ear.

And maybe he didn’t need to talk; maybe dancing was a remedy to the problem after all, because one could whirl around and smile and lose oneself in the music and still communicate enough. This time, Nelson felt like he had shaken off the melancholy – when the dance was done he grinned at her wide, grasping her hand for a moment longer as he tried to catch his breath – and, before that melancholy could creep back in at the corners, Nelson mouthed thank you at her. For more than she knew, probably (for caring at all, maybe); but now that the dance was over, Nelson didn’t want her worry to seep back in. So he let go of Miss Thompsett’s hands, and before she could protest, turned on his heel and darted away through the crowd of students.

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It was hard to focus on having fun dancing while one was scrutinizing the other's face, Sisse found, her eyes watching for any change to Mr. Higgs' face. But his own began to relax, the small hint of a smile playing at his features as he spun her around and Sisse found she relaxed too. In fact by the end of the dance she was smiling but the grin he gave her - well it was entirely reassuring, as was the soft warmth of his hands holding her's captive for a moment longer and his very sincere words.

"You're welcome." She began to say with a curtsey, but when she straightened up to continue Mr. Higgs was already moving out of the crowd and away. Her brow furrowed, perhaps he wasn't alright? Or was it that she hadn't done something right? But she felt that they had had .... well something and so she wasn't quite sure. If he needed space though, she could understand that, it was, afterall, the reason she had found herself speaking with him in the first place. So instead of following Sisse promised herself she'd find him the next day and moved off the dance floor to look for her friends.

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   Nelson Higgs

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Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom