And every time it gets too real
And every time I feel like sabotaging
I start running (Again)
And every time I push away
I really wanna say that I'm sorry (Yeah)
But I say nothing

Before Noon, March 9th, 1891 — Magical Docks of London
Zachariah Binns /Billie Farrow

The snowfall was only just beginning to stick to the cobblestone streets, a distinct difference from the small flurries earlier that morning. An omen, perhaps, warning her from making the greatest mistake of her life. Abandoning her family, Alfred and Zach presumably for life was beginning to look like a daunting prospect. However, Jo could envision no other path that made sense. Staying wasn't an option, not when she was certain to do so would mean sacrificing much of who she was as a person. Neither was asking Zach to wait for her for that matter. He deserved more than a life of waiting on a letter or a visit. And, quite frankly, he deserved to trust she would remain loyal to him, which after the last week wasn't entirely feasible.

So, she was removing herself from the equation. She was forcing the impossible decision and fleeing like a frightened doe. She was refusing to settle into a life she didn't yet desire, even if it came at the cost of this devastating heartache.

Her goodbyes to her family were curt and brief. Jo had neither the energy or the willpower to offer explanations as to why her departure was so urgent. Saturn offered to join her once more, but she knew if he accompanied her any hopes she had of disappearing into the vast world would vanish. Saturn would be a tether, a link to her previous life. With him came reasons to return, to write, to remain connected. And she just couldn't.

Jo was dragging her trunk behind her, snowflakes dusting her uncovered head, when she saw him. Immediately, Jo stopped in her tracks, her jaw slack and shoulders tensed. He hadn't spotted her yet, there was still time to turn and run. Except, her feet were rooted in place, almost as though the snow had turned to ice and frozen her in place. It was there she stood when he turned the corner to face her, and there she remained speechless as she saw her lover for the first time since her plans became clear.

  

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beautiful set by mj

The docks were an odd place for the bookshop owner to find himself, particularly when it wasn't the time of year for his travels. He wasn't brave enough to find himself further than France or Ireland while the snows continued to prove themselves to be unpredictable. The flakes that now fell and collected in his beard seemed to prove his point. The skies had been clear in Hogsmeade.

No, he was braving the elements for a different purpose.

Zach was sure his staff were starting to become suspicious. After all, it was the second time this week that he had insisted he needed to pick up a shipment himself due to supposed "fragile" or "volatile" books. When he returned with ordinary novels, he had weakly jabbered on about delays. He was a terrible liar, even on a good day.

After wandering about Diagon Alley, he had found himself yet again loitering at the magical docks. It had been five days since he had last seen or spoken to Jo. Five days since he'd had even an inkling about her whereabouts. They'd tiptoed around for so long that he'd been waiting for an explosion. He hadn't anticipated that she would just disappear.

He was worried. For a week, Jo had appeared less and less. Every meeting had been tense. Jo had seemed off, spiraling into a mood he could scarcely understand. A day without a word from her had him on edge, but it wasn't until the second and third day crept by that he first visited the docks. Jo had spoken about leaving. Perhaps, she wished to follow through.

If she truly wished to go, Zach wasn't sure he had it in him to stop her. She was meant to wander. How could he have been so misguided to hope she might want to spend some of the time between her adventures with a stodgy, old bookseller?

She was probably already gone.

But was she well enough to go?

All he wished was for her health and happiness, and it seemed he was inept at providing either.

With pursed lips, Zach turned to go, a crate tucked under one arm. A pair of sailors strode by, and he barely gave them a glance. He had given up on searching the coming and going crowds for a woman with striking eyes. In fact, he might have wandered past Jo if she hadn't been right in her path.

It was with tired eyes that he looked up, his face quickly morphing between surprise, relief, and then a resigned sort of sadness. Her presence at the docks with her trunk meant only one thing.

"Jo," he forced himself to say, voice somewhat rough, but the tenderness was still there. "Where to, then?"

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Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

'He's too good for this,' Juliana had said. And, as Zach seemingly accepted that Jo was leaving without even a farewell letter, nothing was ever as true as those words. A deep sense of shame coursed through her, leaving her unable to meet the beautiful blues of his eyes. Leaving was awful, but so was betraying their relationship by sleeping with three others — one as recently as last night. She hadn't ever deserved his love.

She brushed the snow off the sleeve of her coat, desperate for something to focus on other than 'where to, then?' Like he knew, too, that this was the path they were on. Like he knew she was always going to abandon him. Like it was okay to do so.

"The States," she answered honestly, her cheeks red from shame. "I leave in a few hours."

  

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beautiful set by mj

She wouldn't even look him in the eyes. That fact alone had his shoulders sagging. Jo had intended to leave without a backwards glance. No note. No farewell. It stung in a way he was not prepared for, but he drew it all in. He always knew she would be gone one day, hadn't he? Yet the knowledge she likely didn't even wish to write in her absence had him deflating.

"The States," Zach repeated, as if he needed to hear it again to fully absorb the gravity the words held. He wished to ask her where about in The States and for how long, but the words didn't come. Perhaps, it was better not knowing. In a few hours, she would only be reachable by boat. He would have driven her across the ocean to Merlin knows where. Would she even have a job waiting?

"I..." he tried, his brain filling in the blanks with about a dozen different thoughts. I don't want you to leave. I had hoped you'd write. I wish you would stay. I can't imagine being without you. I love you.

"I...had hoped I wouldn't be too late," he blurted out, his grip tightening on the crate, his gaze sliding away from her, the weight of his next words becoming too unbearable. "To wish you safe travels."

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Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

"How did you-" Jo began to ask, too stunned by his easy agreement to realize it wasn't her place anymore. He was too good for her, too perfect, too kind. A clean break would serve him best in the end, just as Juliana had insisted. He deserved more than this — more than her.

Her grip on her trunk's handle tightened, a tether to stop her from throwing her arms around him and begging forgiveness. This was what she wanted, what she broke his heart for. This couldn't be stopped now.

"You're not to late," she then answered almost tearfully. Wet eyes turned to look at him, to memorize every part of him she didn't yet know. "I'll be gone for some time." Jo doubted that he hadn't yet guessed this, but she didn't know how else to plead for him not to wait. A life of yearning wouldn't give him the happiness he deserved.

  

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beautiful set by mj

Zach lifted one shoulder to answer Jo's unfinished question. It wasn't too difficult to connect the dots, especially after her comment around Christmas. It was inevitable that she would leave again, but he had never imagined it would be done in such a secretive manner.

Looking back to Jo, he found his gaze sliding away once more. He couldn't look at her wet eyes, or he might say something to make her even more upset. Beg her not to leave. After all, she was leaving because of him, wasn't she?

"You will be missed," he commented, unable to reign the words in before they toppled out. Clearing his throat, he attempted to divert his disappointment to a query. "Research?" Or was she simply running away. Zach wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

  

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Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

She nodded once and pulled her focus from him again. Zach's resigned acceptance pained her more than any argument would have. Of course, he would be understanding and reasonable. Of course, he wouldn't deter her from leaving. It wasn't in his nature to be selfish. No, that was all her.

"You ..." Jo didn't know how to finish the thought. You shouldn't wait, you should move on, you shouldn't miss me, you are the love of my life all died on the tip of her tongue. Alfred told her it was alright not to be ready for this kind of love, but as she stood floundering for even the most minor things to say none of it felt alright. Not being able to love him as he deserved to be love felt like her biggest mistake of all.

She dropped her eyes to the snow covered ground between them. Continued lies to him caught in the back of her throat. Zach had provided her an easy cover without knowing, but Jo couldn't accept it. "I'm not sure yet." She answered honestly, already fearing his reaction.

  

She was running away, then.

Zach shifted uncomfortably, unsure what to say. Clearly, he had contributed to her need to retreat halfway across the world. She wasn't fully healed, yet she was to risk her health to head off to the Americas on a whim. No job, no set plans. He should be angry, but all he felt was worry for Jo. She barely had use of her hand or a handle on wandless magic, and she was going to disappear off to only Merlin knew where. Alone.

But it was her choice after all. He would never attempt to take that freedom away from her.

Yet the worry remained. It could be seen in the way his lips pursed and drooped down into a very controlled frown.

"If you are in need of anything, you know where to write."

  

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Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

The thought of him waiting anxiously on her owl broke the final piece of her heart. He would wait forever, she knew, if he still believed there was a chance of her returning. Jo couldn't spare him the grief of separation or turn back time to prevent their relationship entirely, but she could sever their ties completely. She could break him fully so that he might one day heal.

"I'm not coming back," she told him with a shuddering breath. "You shouldn't ... you shouldn't wait on a letter from me." You should let go, was what she was hoping to get across. Jo would survive by whatever means necessary, but she would never reach out to him for help. She couldn't. To do so would mean reopening the wounds she caused and disrupting any peace he managed to find.

She shifted on her feet uncomfortably, the cold was seeping into her boots. Soon, this snow would be deep enough to cover the foot of her shoe. Merlin, Jo hoped her ship would still be able to leave port.

  

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beautiful set by mj

Jo's words garnered the same stomach dropping effect a jinx produced just prior to striking. The sense of dread right before the pain kicked in. It seemed the finality of her statement was enough to break him, and, for the first time in the conversation, he appeared as devastated as he felt. Zach winced when he was told not to wait. His jaw tightened, his attempt at pushing away any unbidden tears or any other evidence that all he wished to do was beg Jo to stay. To demand it. To scream at her that she was making a terrible choice. That she hadn't thought anything through.

But he loved her too much to steal away her happiness. She was better off without him weighing her down.

"Jo, I--" He cleared his throat again and searched her face, bewildered that this might be the last time he would be able to see her. His heart bellowed at him to say something, anything. To reach out and hold her. To steal away one more kiss. One more embrace. Anything.

"The offer still stands."

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Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

Her fingers itched with the impulse to reach out to him, to reassure him that this was for the best. To touch him one last time. Instead, her grip tightened further around her trunk's handle inside her glove. Her knuckles white and fingers stiff as the false two. This was for the best. He'd be happier eventually.

Jo nodded again, much like a fool. "I, uh. I appreciate that." She thought to ask him to write to her, too, but realized to do so wouldn't allow him the space required to heal. A clean break, that was what they both needed.

Even if nothing about this felt clean.

"I ... my ship might be boarding. I should ... it's probably time for me to leave." She continued weakly.

  

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beautiful set by mj

"Of...of course."

He was too distraught to take much notice of the accumulating snow and question if she would even be able to leave. Even if she were to be delayed, it wasn't as if they would be able to see one another again. Jo had made that perfectly clear.

Zach started to reach out, out of habit, to take her hand and wish her goodbye, like they always did, but he caught himself. His grip returned instead to the crate he carried, a few snowflakes making their way between the slats of wood onto the books inside.

"Be safe, Jo," he commented. "I hope it brings you happiness." The words held no bitterness, only sorrow. It was all he every wished for her. Health and happiness. Even if it wasn't with him.

He caught her gaze then, attempting to convey just how much he would miss her, and how sincere he was in hoping she found happiness. But it was brief. His eyes had begun to grow misty, and he couldn't allow her to see. It was then Zach turned and began to walk off, his attention on the apparition point so he could return to The Leaky Cauldron and floo home.

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Pretties thanks to Olive! <3