16th August, 1890 — Ben’s House, Bartonburg
Benedict Sterling

He made sure the door was closed. The bedroom door, despite Ben’s house being otherwise empty, despite the front door also being locked. (That time at the stables had hammered the care they had to take for privacy well enough home.)

Much as he wanted to enjoy any time they found to be alone with him, Ari had been trying to find a moment for the last few weeks for a different reason. No better time than now, he supposed. Although he wasn’t exactly looking forward to it, either.

He kissed Ben once more before sinking onto the bed, a muscle strained in his jaw but his expression otherwise calm enough. When he had used to dream of things working out with Ben - only rarely, when he was particularly optimistic or else so lonely he’d had little else to imagine - in his mind it had always been simpler, as though their problems would all dissolve. Like some children’s fairytale or an Austen novel. He’d known in reality it couldn’t be like that, not in this lifetime; but even so, this situation was admittedly more complicated than he’d thought.

Ari’s gaze found green eyes again before Ben could ask him what the matter was, to spit it out. “So... I had to tell Dionisia,” he said, exhaling. It had come out quite evenly; but then, talking to Ben had always been too easy for its own good. “Just about me,” Ari added swiftly. He hadn’t gotten as far as telling her about this.

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   Fallon Gillespie

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Ever since Mr. Holm had walked in on them, Ben was grateful that his study was connected to his personal chambers. He and Ari could visibly go upstairs and close the study door knowing that if any of his staff were home, they wouldn't think anything of the two of them going into his study and locking the door.

The click of the lock was all he needed to physically relax, and after returning the kiss, he flopped down on the bed, stretching before turning to find Ari looking at him. He'd known him for long enough to know that something was on his mind. Ari wasted little time getting to the core of it. Normally Ben would appreciate his getting to the point, but this time the words rendered him rather speechless.

He froze, staring at Ari in mild horror. While his first instinct was to leap up and yell, the last time he did such a thing it ended up being a serious gamble that they both — by some miraculous reason — won in the end. So he didn't tell Dionisia specifically about him. But Ari's wife was not empty-headed, and Ben couldn't help but think that it was only a matter of time before she put two and two together.

Perhaps there was more to this... he took a breath before letting out a strained, "Alright...." Taking a deep breath, he said, a bit more evenly, "How did she respond?"

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   Fallon Gillespie

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Oh, no. It was instantly obvious that Ben thought that had been a bad idea. Ari knew it seemed stupid, and he understood why Ben was fighting off horror. He swallowed, attempting to convince himself that he hadn’t made things worse for everyone yet again.

Bless him for waiting for more explanation, at least; absently, Ari let his hand wander up Ben’s arm and trace the curve of his shoulder, trying not to let the tension get the better of them yet. With Ben so even and steady and calm, though, it felt like the nerves had all leapt to him. He blew out a breath, shaking his head as he tried to find the words. “About as well as could be expected,” he said, and then frowned. That was not quite true: she had been in tears, after all, and it had felt like he’d crushed hopes he hadn’t known she had. “It wasn’t what she wanted to hear,” he admitted with a grimace, withdrawing his hand to rake it through his hair, “but she won’t say anything, and she’s not going to leave.”

“I had to,” he said, searching Ben’s face helplessly, worried now that he had made a terrible mistake. “I thought it would be better that she heard it from me instead of - someone else. The wrong way.” The way Mr. Holm had.

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He felt his muscles were tense as steel. Ari's wife knew. There was nothing changing that fact, but he couldn't help but imagine how this would affect their future. Though Ari seemed as calm as he could be in this situation, and positive of his wife's current state of mind, Ben couldn't help but keep thinking Dionisia wasn't a simpleton, and that they'd be found out eventually.

Ari's touch at his shoulder anchored his thoughts and he focused on the pressure.

The wrong way...

As in, the way that Mr. Holm had found them entangled together. Even though it was not a pleasant memory, it still was more pleasant than imagining the alternative outcome. Despite the tightness in his chest, Ben knew this was the right way to do it. That is - if there was ever a right way in this situation. His expression still remained troubled. He was glad for Ari's sake (and Dionisia's) that she decided to remain in the marriage, however, that did not ease his conscience for their committed adultery.

Slowly, he nodded, his eyes slightly unfocused on Ari's shoulder. "You had to." he agreed. "You had no other choice, this was the right thing to do." The more he heard himself say those things, the more solidified he became in that resolve. "Do you..." He swallowed, sighing to adjust his position to something that would help ground himself more. "Don't you think she'll figure it out?" Sure, to the passing eye, perhaps them being best friends was natural - they had the benefit of the public knowing they were already close, and so any sort of physical affection they could show in public could be seen as roughhousing or something harkening back to boyhood fun.

But anyone who had access to the information she did...well, wasn't it only a matter of time?

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“I don’t - I don’t know,” Ari replied with a grimace, which was not an answer. The problem was that Ben was right, Dionisia wasn’t stupid. She had all the puzzle pieces now with which to figure it out. He and Ben could hardly be any more careful, bound to secrecy, than they already were, and breaking it off was no option either. So really the only saving grace was -

“I...” He hesitated. “Maybe she won’t. I told her I was in love with someone else, but I’m not sure she knows I’ve actually been...” With you all this time. Ari had wracked his brains of how to tell her that addendum - that he had been happily unfaithful from the day they’d married - and the more he thought about it, the harder it became to say it, so even here he just trailed off, eyebrows knitted.

“It’s a mess, I know,” he murmured. A mess for which he was largely responsible, and for which Ben could not have any magical solution: there was no solution. “And I feel terrible for it. I don’t know what to do.” He was beginning to think guilt was just going to be something he could not shake, his permanent state of being.

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Dread shot through his stomach in the form of a swooping feeling as Ben realized Ari wasn't sure what to do with this new knowledge either. The dreadful truth was that they just had to trust that Ari's wife — Merlin help him, his lover's wife — would keep her mouth well and truly shut.

There remained only one more step between knowing Ari was in love with someone else and noticing that Ben and Ari had spent a lot of time with each other to figure out their secret. That would make two different people that knew. Merlin help them if a third were to figure out.

The guilt was clear across Ari's face, and Ben's own expression briefly collapsed in despair. What a wretched feeling to know that there was nothing to be done besides go where the wind took them. Nothing to be done except — "It's not your fault." he said. Again, despite the conflict he was feeling, his voice was steady. "It was better this way that she found out this way and not the...the other way."

He was repeating what was already known, but that was all he could do as if doing so would further hammer that fact into the fabric of fate's weave and act as a shield against the misfortune they both feared. "I....I don't know what to do either." Ben had always known how to solve a problem, whether it was to barge his way through it or hunker down to weather the storm until it was over. But there was no way he would survive if they (Ari, moreso than him) came out worse because of a stupid mistake on his part. "I'm..I'm sorry." As he leaned forward to keep in contact with Ari, Ben sighed.

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It's not your fault. Ari smiled gently for his trying. If only that were true.

As Ben leant in, Ari affixed his gaze to those deep green eyes as he thought, blessedly grateful not to be drowning alone in a problem for once, as much as he wished Ben had no cause to worry. It was tempting to forget this discussion altogether while they were here together, his fingers tracing along the familiar line of Ben’s collarbone, his mouth in alarmingly easy reach. “If it means anything, I trust her not to tell anyone, even if she figures it out herself,” he said slowly, laying out all the reassurance he could to sort out his thoughts, to chase the guilt away. “And I won’t say anything else to her,” - and Ari would have to continue feeling guilty about that, unless he could hint at the affair he was having without drawing glaring attention to Ben somehow - “but also... I’ll understand if you want to keep your distance.”

Here it was, some strange mirror of everything with which he had entreated Dionisia: he was sorry to put them through this, he would do anything, whatever they thought was best. Let them have their out. “I just need you to know that,” he said swiftly, so that Ben would not have time to interrupt. “Now, or later, if it’s ever too much for you, or not worth the risk, or - I don’t know, you get married and don’t want to do this any more -” this, endangering his reputation every time they saw each other, “I’ll understand. You know that, don’t you?”

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It did mean something to Ben; he only had so many encounters with Dionisia, but Ari was the one who had known her even before they were married. In fact, it had just occurred to him that Ari and his wife's relationship extended beyond society's usual marry-someone-you-don't-know-out-of-school traditions. While it didn't really serve him well in keeping her in the dark about his and Ari's relationship, the fact that she had a history with Ari and his family might help them if she found out (Merlin help them if she did find out). Perhaps loyalty to the Fisks would win out over whatever struggles she may have at knowing her husband and his best friend were lovers.

Ari's words, tender and kind, still cut through his heart as easily as if it were made of fabric. He knew the risks they were taking with everything — and he truly didn't know what would come of him in the future. Apart from societal obligations, he faced little to no pressure to marry. He didn't want to marry. At least he didn't want to marry anyone besides the only person in the very room with him.

Ari, sweet, Ari. Always willing to sacrifice anything to make others more comfortable, even if it meant his own heart.

Ben reached up, placing a palm on Ari's cheek as he did his best to flash him a cocky grin. "Oh ye of little faith." And leaned in to place his lips upon Ari's. "You can't get rid of me that easily, Fisk." He chuckled wryly. "After all, I can cling to something like a drowning kneazle if I want to."

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   Elias Grimstone

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The truth was, since Ben had remembered - or realised - the way he felt, he had given Ari no reason to doubt him. Nevertheless, he wouldn’t pretend he ever minded it being said. There was little other surety to be found in this except between themselves, so to know that he was still all in was the only thing that could possibly make it worth the risk. The last thing he ever wanted was to see Ben to get hurt in a way where there was nothing he could do to help.

He was smiling slightly as Ben kissed him, and leant in after to chase it, only to crack up at the picture Ben conjured as he continued. The silent shake of his shoulders became proper chuckling before he could help himself - and he had to thank Ben for somehow dispelling all the weight of his stress without even trying.

“Yeah, you look a little like one too,” Ari returned, a teasing gleam in his eye as he reached up and ran his fingers through Ben’s curly hair, only mussing it up more than it already was. With a little more seriousness though no less in fondness, he added the truth of it. “Luckily there’s nothing I want less than to have to let you go.”

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He would have feigned injury at Ari's small jibe, however, the feeling of Ari's fingers running through his hair only soothed him further and he merely laughed. "Glad we're still on the same page," he said quietly, eyeing the lock on the door to make sure it was indeed locked before turning to launch himself at Ari and tackle him further onto the bed.

"I should hate for us to have another misunderstanding."

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