Issue #269 — What did anyone ever see in the Selwyns, anyway?
November 15, 2021 – 2:14 AM
The Original Fake News
November 15, 2021 – 2:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| Five Things To Make You Fall For... Raphael Malfoy | |
| With so many much-admired bachelors making known their ties this month, there may seem to be a new dearth of unattached men in society! But never fear – new gentlemen grow ripe for courtship every day. Mr. Raphael Malfoy, only son of his branch of an esteemed family, may only be nearing twenty-six now, but it is never too early to think of his future for him! With that in mind, here are five things that you may not already know that will make you fall for Raphael Malfoy. 1. With a December 11th birthday, Mr. Malfoy is a true Sagittarius. There is plenty of proof of that in his character: a Sagittarius loves adventure and a challenge, so there may be a bit of Gryffindor fire at play in this Slytherin – no doubt he is fond of his freedoms and a touch on the reckless side. With a Moon in Libra, he may show his more diplomatic side within, questing for balance and true connection. All that said, Sagittarius has a reputation for luck and achievement, so it is no wonder he went into sports!  2. His quidditch career came to a premature end through injury. In 1890, his chances of gaining a place on the national side were scuppered by a shoulder injury... but this is all the better for any ladies who might wish to see him marry young! In spite of his competitive nature, there is no doubt he possesses a softer, more sensitive side beneath it, particularly after such cruel wounds – perhaps a little care and feminine tenderness is just what the healers ordered? |
 3. His wand is made of elm, the perfect match for a pureblood! A particularly sophisticated wand wood, it is said to produce highly elegant magic for those wizards who possess a certain native dignity. Mr. Malfoy is already proven to be dextrous on the quidditch pitch, but we are sure his talents in spellcasting are equal to any task, even if he is left handed! Why not ask him to perform some impressive feat of magic just for you? There will be no foolish errors from him! 4. Thus far he has not shown signs of a firm attachment to any young lady in society. The phoenix feather at his wand’s core is highly selective when choosing an owner, and Raphael Malfoy may be similarly picky when it comes to settling down. His candid, spontaneous nature may make him a hard candidate to tame, but he was born with Venus in Sagittarius, too, which means he loves to tease, seeks to broaden his horizons, and may well be inclined to take a risk for love. Could you be his partner-in-adventure? 5. Have we mentioned that he is exceptionally handsome? Any man that could still look appealing in the hideous black-and-yellow robes of the Wimbourne Wasps must truly be a work of art. All the same, we at Witch Weekly are relieved that the colours of his new team, the Appleby Arrows, is a light blue – the perfect match for his mesmerising blue eyes! A young lady could wear such a shade of blue in the hopes of catching – and keeping – their sponsor’s attention. Game on! |
November 15, 2021 – 2:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| While the extended Selwyn family has ties to some prominent pureblood clans, including the Lestranges and Macnairs, this particular clan has done little to impress. | What did anyone ever see in the Selwyns, anyway? Many of the writers at Witch Weekly were shocked to see the announcement of the upcoming marriage of Emrys Selwyn to Mrs. Angelica Vorona, a widow and until this month the professor of arithmancy at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. While Mr. Selwyn had been observed in conversation with Mrs. Vorona on a few occasions earlier in the social season, there was no indication he had paid her serious or personal attention (as readers may remember he was certainly paying Miss Clarissa Cosgrove as recently as September, as was reported in this very magazine). Did Miss Cosgrove do something to put Mr. Selwyn off pursuing her? Did Mrs. Vorona scheme her way to the altar with a man who had displayed no intention of heading there with her? Is Mr. Selwyn merely fickle? No matter what the story behind the upcoming wedding, we can be sure of one thing: Miss Cosgrove has likely saved herself a good deal of grief. Selwyn men make notoriously bad husbands. Trystan Selwyn, the eldest of the family, has one recognized bastard — Liliana Parkinson nee Selwyn — and plentiful rumors of other, unrecognized bastards waiting in the wings. While his wife has remained faithfully by his side through over a decade of marriage, she is obviously not pleased with how things have turned out: she was notably absent from Mrs. Liliana Parkinson's wedding, despite it being held at her own house. The youngest Mr. Selwyn, who owns a publishing house and newspaper, is more reserved but likely to be no less disappointing in the marital realm. Why else would his wife spend so much of her time running off to stay with her mother multiple times a year? If Mrs. Benwick was really ill, as the story often goes, why wouldn't Daniel and Freya Selwyn simply invite her to live with them? No, it's far more reasonable to suspect that Mrs. Freya Selwyn is not running to the aid of her mother, but rather running away from her husband. The Selwyns also have very little to recommend them as a family, particularly compared to the other established pureblood lines. The failure of the two sisters to marry or to involve themselves in society in any meaningful way means that Emrys Selwyn's new wife will be deprived of the built-in social connections that ought to come with joining a new family. The most promising social connection for a new Mrs. Selwyn would be the aforementioned Liliana Parkinson — and when your best bet at earning an introduction to someone new is relying on a bastard teenager, you know you're off to a bad start. We wish Miss Cosgrove luck in her future endeavors. If anyone could have salvaged a marriage to Emrys Selwyn, and all of the associated family baggage that came with it, it might have been a graduate of the Pendergast School for Young Roses — but in any case we believe the girl deserves far better than being pushed to the fringe of society with nothing but a toxic family for company. |
November 15, 2021 – 2:14 AM
The Original Fake News
To the couple who used a public fare carriage in Magical London on the date of November 5th, 1891. Time, approximately 3 in the afternoon. I had a dark brown cap that I had left inside of the carriage. The driver informs me that you claimed it for yourself. Please do give it back, I am rather fond of it and it is mine in the first place. If you are so inclined, please leave it at the pick up point of that very same carriage. To the young man that I was speaking with in Padmore Park, I am very sorry that I accused you of murdering me. I know now that I am actually quite alive and that it was all a sordid prank done by a bitter, old soul. We never even got to exchange names because I was too busy accusing you of having killed me. You were quite handsome with eyes bluer than the sea at the Sanditon Resort. Should you be so inclined to give me another chance to redeem my dignity, please meet me by Padmore Pond. Please do not take this as an indication that I wish any further acquaintance with you. I simply must know as it has been keeping me awake: what was your Devine Ball costume meant to be? You were wearing feathers, whiskers and seemed quite pleased about how the feathers would change colors depending on your mood. Simply respond to this ad as I have no wish to know you beyond that first meeting. |
I had just lost my duel during the latest dueling tournament and I swear you were laughing at me. You even met my eyes and dared to smirk with that awful purple ascot you were wearing. Meet me at dawn by the Black Lake, you coward. I just want to 'talk'. I saw you but for a fleeting moment at the dance recently put on by the Spirit Division. I was your beau in life and had no idea you had returned as a ghost. I write this in the hopes that someone close to you that might still be living might read this entry to you. You looked as beautiful as the last day I saw you although you are now quite transparent. You had on that hat with the bird and flowers I so often teased you about during our promenades. Even now, I love you still and have never married for love of you. Might we still be together? If those Fudge folk can do it, I do not see why we can not? You wore a green vest with an overcoat of darker green. Your tie clip was golden with an emerald gem embedded within it. We made eyes over the ambience of the bonfire that burned pink. I know you feel the same so meet me at The Painted Lady so that we might get to know one another over a nice cup of tea. |
You were a lovely young debutante in a sky blue dress with a matching fan at the Charity Ball. I so hoped that I could put in a bid for a dance with you. I was much too shy, however. I did notice that you would glance at me every now and then. I believe you even smiled! I am sending this in to Witch Weekly in the hopes that you might chance upon this and know that I am thinking about you fondly. You were wearing a charming yellow dress with light blue trimming. You looked like a summer day in a dress with your beautiful smile. You were getting onto the train at Hogsmeade Station and I was just getting off. Our eyes met but for a moment but it was enough for me to know that I just might adore you. If you feel the same, I will be waiting at the Station every Friday at 4 in the afternoon. |
| Connections are just an owl away! Send a letter in with your personal advertisement or response to have it printed in the next issue. Address your letters to: Missed Connections, Witch Weekly. | ||
November 15, 2021 – 2:14 AM
The Original Fake News
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