The height difference between Richard and Ben Crouch was much more drastic, but her mind then went to how the height difference between Richard and Jamie was similarly drastic. Was it normal to have so many men on her mind while her lips were attached to just one of them? Did that make her a whore? Or was this just... confusion? Was it normal to be confused—conflicted even—while kissing a man for the first time? (She'd felt that way with Ben... which brought up another point: she didn't even like Ben anymore. He was just a point of comparison.)

So, yes, she decided, feeling conflicted while kissing a man was completely normal. Nothing to worry about... no possible regret down the line... yes, perfect. Richard was perfect. This kiss was perfect.

Except it wasn't, and she knew that deep down.

With a low whimper, Bella released her grip from around his neck and let gravity help her find her way back to the ground. She stared up at him with guilty eyes, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath.

"Richard, I—" I don't want this, she'd almost said, but it wasn't the truth. She didn't know the truth; if she had, she would have either never kissed him or never pulled back from the kiss. "I-I don't know what I want right now. I'm confused and I'm worried and I don't know what the future holds," she rambled, her lip trembling as she tried to hold back tears of pure frustration. "I'm scared that if I jump too quickly, I might miss out on opportunities, but also that... if I don't jump quick enough, I'll lose what's in front of me," she admitted quietly, readjusting the sleeve of his shirt.

---

  

---

— MJ is MAGICAL —

Richards eyes opened as Bella released her grip and then stared up at him. He wasn't sure what was going on with her but this was definitely going to be a memory he cherished. Come what may. "That's understandable," Richard said, truly meaning it and even so. It hurt. He felt played around with, like he was being tugged along on a string, his heart bleeding out with each pull of it that she did. At the same time, he honestly couldn't really understand what she meant. "I am not a toy to be pulled in at your convenience while you decide if you want me or don't want me," he said softly.

  

---

graphics by Lady!

Good. This was good. This was progress, or at least that's what she was telling herself. It may not have been a good kind of progress, but at least he was... at least he was... well—maybe it wasn't that good, or even progress at all.

She was hearing his feelings beyond "I'll want you no matter what", and maybe that's what she'd been wanting to hear despite the sharp pain in her chest at his words. After all the pain she'd caused those around her, she didn't deserve that sort of unconditional affection. She'd hurt her siblings, her friends, Mr. Langley and all her coworkers, and by the confusing relief that followed the stinging pain, it became clear that she'd wanted to hear him admit that she'd hurt him. That she was hurting him—now. In a way, it confirmed that she'd deserved all the hatred she'd spewed at herself over the past few months. If she was hurting Mr. Gladstone—the sweet, gentle, pure-hearted healer who offered her everything in exchange for only her commitment—she really was a monster.

"You're right," she said, taking a cautionary step backwards, "you don't deserve that." It was far too easy to get out. She'd normally make some excuse—any excuse—for hurting him, but it was so easy to admit her wrongdoing. "I've led you along. I can't make you a promise. I can't. I-I just can't."

She started withdrawing back into herself, her arms crossing protectively against her chest and her shoulders hunched. She backed towards the door, a frown etched onto her features, until her leg hit a piece of furniture.

"I told you I wasn't the same girl you once knew." If she'd ever been the girl he thought she was, a question that was still debatable at best. "You need to—no, I need to—" she rambled, a sudden panic overwhelming her. She was in Wales. Alone. With a man, and not just any man—one who cared about her! She should have still been in bed at the MacFusty home, but she'd gone and been a reckless idiot.

"—go," she finally choked out, her arm waving erratically behind her until she found the doorknob. She turned it until it clicked, and then, with only a single, sad glance towards him, fled.

She would never see him again. She was sure of it.

---

  

---

— MJ is MAGICAL —