In the silence that followed his statement it occurred to Ben to regret having said it, but he pushed it away in favor of nursing this anger that was burning in his chest. Melody
would have been happier without him, and they both knew it. She wasn't even denying it now, which spoke to how obvious it was. And it wasn't a surprise, it wasn't news, because he had
always known that being married to him would make her miserable, and he'd always said that, even before they married, but there was a part of him that was still a little hurt that she didn't even try to deny it. He glanced at her in the mirror and thought the expression on her face looked...
caught, like she hadn't expected him to say it out loud. Of course he wasn't supposed to say it out loud, because that wasn't in line with the facade they were maintaining, the game of make-believe they were playing even with each other, even with themselves. They were just supposed to keep pretending things were going to get better, he supposed, and keep dumping poison into the space between them until one of them couldn't breath the air any more and suffocated beneath the weight of it.
When she did start talking, her words felt less like dialogue and more like spears she was sharpening and throwing in his direction, like arrow spells meant to crack his shield charm and leave him as bloody as Macmillan had been that morning.
I've been here, she said, but she hadn't. Not in the way he'd asked her to be, and not in any way that mattered. Physically she was here, so she got to play that card as they tallied up whose fault this was. Poor, sick Melody was just sitting around at home waiting for him to fix things, and he was off doing other things because he didn't care. That was the narrative she was pushing, but what the hell was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to do, when the few times he had conversations with her she'd given him two-word answers to his questions and then slunk back to her room at the first opportunity to escape his presence? When the two times that he'd specifically come to her room to visit her, she'd clearly just been waiting for him to leave?
"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," he said tensely. Maybe that was true, or maybe she was intentionally misrepresenting things because she wanted to twist the narrative to make him feel bad, because winning this argument and being able to play the victim was more important than talking about anything that was wrong with them. He wasn't
rekindling old flames, and if she'd been worried about that she could have just
fucking asked and he would have told her the truth about his conversations with Bella Scrimgeour and Ellory Pendergast and anyone else that she cared about. He wasn't running around on her, and he wasn't trying to keep secrets, but he didn't think she really cared about that. She just wanted to latch on to something to push this narrative that he was sabotaging them, that he was the only reason their marriage was failing. So if he had a conversation with a girl, that was a point against him. If he smiled at someone else, or laughed with someone, that was a point against him. Merlin forbid he be allowed to be
happy, even for just a minute, if that happiness involved anyone in the world besides Melody.
The thing about telling Arthur — he hadn't, first of all, though again she had never asked because it fit her narrative better to just assume. But even if he had, how could she hold that against them? When she was pregnant and she hadn't even told him, and she was just
gone when he got home? She'd fucking
run away with their baby, and he had to learn the news from her mother instead of from her. How could he not have feared the worst? And how could she blame him for wanting to do everything he could to prevent that? And maybe he
would have told Art, if he'd had to, because
fuck! Ben couldn't do this all alone, and Melody wasn't helping. Art was all he had, sometimes. But of course she begrudged him that, too. He couldn't have a confidante that wasn't her, he couldn't process his emotions with anyone who wasn't her, he couldn't be happy around anyone who wasn't her. His whole existence had to be about her, about catering to her needs and her whims. And this past week, when he'd been
barely present as she put it — he'd had some really fucking big shit going on, as evidenced by the fact that he'd just finished a
fucking duel, but of course that wouldn't matter to her either. There could be nothing of importance in his life if it didn't revolve around her, no priorities that even approached taking care of her. He could have told her what the duel was about, but she wouldn't have cared. His sister wouldn't have mattered to Melody, because from her perspective no bond he had in his whole fucking life was important compared to the marriage vow he'd taken to her. His entire life up until that moment had ended the night they'd eloped — nevermind that he hadn't wanted to, nevermind that he hadn't chosen that — and she resented him for any connection to his past, for still trying to be himself, for not putting her above everything.
This was her reading his letters all over again. She had taken so much from him already. He'd had to give up so much to try and satisfy her, but she was never satisfied. She was never going to be satisfied, unless she sucked everything else out of him, too. Everything that was left had to go, because there was only room for one of them in this house and it was going to be her.
"What do you want from me?" he spat back, tucking the bandage in on his shoulder a little too rough and wincing at the jolt of pain. "You want me to sit around the house waiting for you to deign to talk to me? Letting you give me these withering looks and cold shoulders and just hoping maybe someday you'll feel up to having a conversation that lasts more than five minutes? I have people in my life who care about me, Melody," he said, turning in the chair so that he could look at her directly instead of in the mirror. "I have people who want me to be happy. I'm not going to burn all my bridges with them so you can get your claws even further into me."
MJ made this <3