I wanna hold you when I'm not supposed to
When I'm lying close to someone else
You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out of it

Back To You - Selena Gomez

letters to Ernie Nuffer that were unsent for now

September 16th, 1888

E. Nuffer,

It's been over two weeks since our confrontation of sorts in London and I am beginning to suspect that you are avoiding me. The usual haunts where we would mutually see one another from time to time is notably absent of your presence. I asked and no one has seen you in a long while. Or they are lying to me.

Are you embarrassed about admitting that I am part of your personal life and that there are certain things between us?

Sincerely,
T.

  

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September 28th, 1888

E. Nuffer,

You are most definitely avoiding me and doing a fine job of it. Why? Are you scared? You don't need to be, I wouldn't let anything happen for all my teasing. You can't just spend months being in someones life and then just disappear. Are you at least alive? Healthy? Not dying in a ditch somewhere?

Sincerely,
T.

  

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October 15th, 1888

E. Nuffer,

I don't blame you for being scared. So was I the first time I realized that this sort of love and desire existed in the world. These sorts of feelings that the world calls deviant. They're wrong, you know. And hypocritical at best.

I don't know why I keep writing these letters, it isn't like I ever end up sending them. I guess it's become a sort of reflex at this point. You're alive, at least I know that much. I saw one of your recent articles in the Daily Prophet.

Sincerely,
T.

  

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October 25th, 1888

E. Nuffer,

Fuck you then.

Sincerely,
T.

  

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November 5th, 1888

E. Nuffer,

I miss you. I miss talking with you. I miss teasing you. I miss pissing you the fuck off.

Sincerely,
T.

  

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November 25th, 1888

E. Nuffer,

I can't seem to get you out of my head and I have no idea when you began to weasel your way into it. Am I in love with you? I do not know - you did not even give us the chance to know. I think that's what bothers me the most.

Because I know you felt something between us too. It wasn't all just me, I know it. I did not imagine things. Are you thinking of me, wherever you currently are? At nights when you are alone, do you wonder what might have been if you had not decided to run from things?

I think of these things often because I think we were well matched. Had we been anyone but who we are - if you had been a lady instead of a boy, for instance - I could have wooed you the way all those idiots at the Coming Out Ball do to the debs. I wonder what life in that weird universe would be like?

Sincerely,
T.

  

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December 24th, 1888

E. Nuffer,

It is Christmas Eve. Do you remember the kiss? We were both walking, you collided into me. Instead of apologizing like a normal person would, you wanted to know why I was even there. Like you had ownership of the alleys or something. How that amused me! I suppose in hindsight that was the start. I have a certain type of person I am attracted to, you see: grumpy souls. And you, my darling Nuffer, are the grumpiest soul I had ever the pleasure of running into.

And then we realized we were stuck. The mistletoe that does not release you until you've had a solid kiss upon the lips. And then there was a kiss. Before you left, there was a look you gave me. I think I knew a bit then, suspected perhaps. That you might share part of my inclinations. Don't worry, I'm not saying I knew or anything like that. It was just a suspicion or perhaps a wishful sort of thinking.

Anyway. It has been a year since then and I feel like a lot has happened since.

Sincerely,
T.

the thread in question for reference

  

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January 1st, 1889

E. Nuffer,

It is the New Year. 1889. I don't know why I continue to write these letters when I know quite well by now that I will never send them. I keep them, you know. I suppose I am sentimental in a way. I still often miss you, even now. I remember once you accused me of having ignored you for months. I guess a part of me was hoping that this was sort of like that.

I remember that the reason for that was because of that tiff we had in March of 1888. I guess we're both sensitive about our respective family situations. Maybe we wouldn't have fought if we were able to talk it out a bit more. Be a bit more mature about it. But I am sure you would be the first to say that there is nothing mature about me. You weren't really the type to hold back and I liked that.

Sincerely,
T.

the referenced thread

  

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January 16th, 1889

E. Nuffer,

It has been four months of me writing to you without you ever receiving a word. I think it has become a habit by now, one I know I should stop. It isn't healthy, my uncle says though I don't know what makes him an expert on some things. He tore all his paintings in a rage once when it seemed he would possibly never paint again. He's an artist, you see, and was severely injured in the Ministry explosion that happened. His hand, his dominant painting hand, was crushed. But he paints once more.

I don't know why I'm telling you about my uncle when you have never met him. And likely never will. I find my thoughts drifting to you now and then though as I wonder what you are doing now. Who you're with and if you are covering exciting crimes.

If I were to become an outlaw, would you be the one to interview me? But then again, I am much too used to the good life as you would call it to be on the run or in Azkaban.

Sincerely,
T.

  

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January 28th, 1889

E. Nuffer,

If I were a braver man, I would write you and demand that if you ever felt anything at all, you meet me at some secret location. But I am not. You made your feelings clear with this avoidance tactic of yours. I am glad I never sent these letters.

What a lovesick fool they would make me look.

Sincerely,
T.

  

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