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Reuben Crouch · July 16, 2022 – 11:35 PM

Dionisia,

I'm sorry about the last time we spoke. I was a mess. I didn't mean to offload all my issues onto you.

I am sorry I stopped writing. I guess we both knew this couldn't last forever, but I owed you at least the closure of a proper goodbye. I know it was a risk for you to contact me in the first place, and I've never stopped being grateful that you did.

Ben

Dionisia Fisk

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*Dionisia Fisk* · July 18, 2022 – 4:50 AM

19 June, 1892

Ben,

Is this that proper goodbye then, I suppose?

I do hope you write because you have resolved things at home and not because I overstepped the other evening. I did not mean to pry into your family life as I did. You should know that I only ever wanted you to be happy.

Most sincerely,
Dionisia

Reuben Crouch · July 18, 2022 – 4:55 AM

Dionisia,

Things at home are complicated. They're always complicated. You didn't overstep. You helped, I think.

Do you think Elliott still remembers me, or has it been too long?

Ben

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*Dionisia Fisk* · July 18, 2022 – 5:04 AM

19 June, 1891

Ben,

I haven't mentioned you to him since you last saw him, but in the months following that last visit he did mention you once or twice in passing. He's a smart boy, but a very chatty one—ever since last fall he's taken to talking to himself while playing, which is when I've heard your name. I can't say for certain if he remembers you now, but I wouldn't doubt it. Like I said, he's a smart one.

Dionisia

Reuben Crouch · July 18, 2022 – 5:09 AM

Dionisia,

That's really cool to hear. That he talked about me. That's probably a good indicator that I shouldn't see him again, though. If he's old enough to be talking about it, eventually he'd say the wrong thing to the wrong person.

I'd like to see him again, though.

Ben

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*Dionisia Fisk* · July 18, 2022 – 5:16 AM

19 June, 1892

Ben,

As I've told you in the past, I have no interest of keeping him from you. Whenever you would like to see him, let me know. It is much easier for me to make time nowadays than it was when you originally visited.

Dionisia

Reuben Crouch · July 18, 2022 – 5:20 AM

Dionisia,

I know you've said that, but I don't want to be responsible for straining your marriage. I know your husband is a good man, but I doubt he'd be comfortable with you inviting someone from your past into his life like that.

Ben

[this letter is actually about Samuel St. John Black lol]

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*Dionisia Fisk* · July 18, 2022 – 5:25 AM

19 June, 1892

Ben,

You would be surprised what my husband would be comfortable with. And in any case, I am allowed my secrets, just as he is allowed his. Do not use that as your excuse not to come if you truly wish to see him.

Dionisia

Reuben Crouch · July 18, 2022 – 5:31 AM

Dionisia,

If you say so. Maybe I'm projecting more of my own issues. My wife and I have too many secrets.

I do want to see him, but this isn't a good time. I'm trying to work through some things. A few weeks would be better.

I'm not just pushing it off. I do want to see him.

Ben

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*Dionisia Fisk* · July 18, 2022 – 5:40 AM

20 June, 1892

Ben,

I believe you.

Are you doing better, then? You said that you thought I'd helped, but I can't help but read into your letters. It's fine if you don't wish to talk about it, but just know that I'm here if you do.

Dionisia

Reuben Crouch · July 18, 2022 – 5:51 AM

Dionisia,

I'm definitely not doing any worse. I took your advice and talked to her. My execution left a lot to be desired but I do think it brought up some things that needed to be brought up. I think it helped. I don't know. I'm taking some time to sort through everything.

Ben

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*Dionisia Fisk* · July 19, 2022 – 4:41 AM

20 June, 1892

Ben,

I wish life could be simple sometimes. It rarely seems to be the case, and marriage always seems even less so. It's always helped to know that I'm not alone in feeling that. Sort through it all, and then let me know if and when you'd like to see Elliott again. I'm starting to see a little bit of you in him, especially in the face. I've always thought it fortunate that he inherited my fair hair—it makes all the other features easier to excuse. I just thought you'd like to know.

Dionisia

Reuben Crouch · July 28, 2022 – 8:14 PM

July 28th, unsent-

Dionisia,

This might be a bad idea, so feel free to say no, but - do you think maybe you and I could meet up some time without Elliott? I feel like I need some advice and you might be in a good position to give it, but discussing this all through letters seems a bit - I don't know. It just seems like it would be hard to convey it all in writing.

Ben

sent-

Dionisia,

I have a question for you. I know it's none of my business. You don't have to answer.

Do you love your husband?

Ben

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Dionisia Fisk

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*Dionisia Fisk* · July 29, 2022 – 12:03 AM

unsent

28 July, 1892

Ben,

Of course I love him. He's taken care of Elliott and he's my h

unsent

28 July, 1892

Ben,

He married me to save me from ruin, and since then we've come to a mutual understanding. We do care for each other, and I suppose that's better than some couples can ask for.

sent

28 July, 1892

Ben,

I think it might be easier sometimes if I did, but no. He married me out of a sense of duty, and I out of desperation. We function more as household partners than a married couple. It is better than some get, I suppose.

Dionisia

Reuben Crouch · July 29, 2022 – 12:09 AM

He married me out of a sense of duty, and I out of desperation. Ben wasn't going to get that phrase out of his head for days.

Dionisia,

Do you ever regret it? Marrying him.

Do you think it's possible for two people to love each other if they're married for the sake of a child?

Ben

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*Dionisia Fisk* · July 29, 2022 – 12:26 AM

28 July, 1892

Ben,

I do regret that my marriage was not founded on love, yes. There was once a time where I was determined not to marry at all, but I do remember telling myself that if I did marry it would be for no less than love. But by the same token I do not regret giving Elliott a comfortable life as a Fisk that he could not have had if he'd been born Elliott Tweedy. I don't think I would have been strong enough to bring a child up on the streets.

Ari loves Elliott, even if he does not love me and I have learned to live with that. I do think it's possible for a love to blossom between two people who share a child, but I don't think a shared love for a child is enough to guarantee it. Not in my case, at least.

Dionisia

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