April 8th, 1892 — Crouch Home, Swallowbury

After having spent the better part of two months wishing for the full return of her memories, Melody would have thought to be relieved when a large chunk of them was suddenly fully restored. She had approached anyone who might've had details on her life to see what kind of insight they could provide (frustratingly little). Melody had spoken with the staff of her home and even reached out to her neighbors, but few knew of anything worth noting and fewer still were willing to comment.

In the end, it was a simple conversation with the housekeeper about letting the dog out that finally triggered a shockingly clear memory. A fight with Ben in an unfamiliar flat, a potion, and him revealing he wanted out. The memories came in like a flood from there, causing her to retreat to her bedroom lest Ben return home and see her shocked expression. They weren't happy — hadn't been happy until somewhat recently it seemed — and she had even requested they live separate lives at one point. Was the happiness a ruse, then? Was he continuing to pretend so that at least one of them could live in peace? It seemed fitting of what she now knew of him — to serve himself up like a sacrifical lamb with no opportunity to enjoy life. Merlin.

She waited until Nora was put to bed to approach him, conversing very little and eating even less at supper. Perhaps it was wrong to address this, to pop the bubble they'd since found themselves in, but if he wasn't happy ... if he was faking ... Melody simply wouldn't be able to live with it. She knocked twice on his bedroom door and waited for his invitation before letting herself in. "Hi. Is ... is now a good time to talk?" She asked without fully meeting his eyes.

---

Reuben Crouch

  

---

beautiful set by mj

Ben had been walking on eggshells around Melody since her accident, but had been trying his best not to show it. After her initial convalescence he'd resumed the same schedule he usually had with work, and he'd been spending a lot of time with his daughter. He might have been tempted to think things were going to be okay after all, but he knew better than to stop holding his breath. They had been doing fine lately, but they had too much history. There was always time for the other shoe to drop.

Now she wanted to talk, so this might have been it. He tried to remain casual and not jump to conclusions. "Sure," he said lightly, leaning back from the letter he'd been writing at the desk. "What about?"

---

  

---

MJ made this <3

"Us, I suppose." She answered uncomfortably. Judging by what she now knew of their relationship, her questions brought the potential of another disastrous argument. Only, she wasn't angry with him now, more confused and lost with the entire situation. There were still too many pieces missing to understand the story, but Ben had been less than forthcoming with details.

She took two steps into the room and stopped there. Perhaps it was the wrong decision to approach this topic in a space that was entirely his. Whether or not that was the case, it was too late to back down now. "Are you happy?" Melody asked quietly, her attention focused on him.

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

Ben tensed at the word us, then tried to force himself to relax. He was following Aldous' advice and not giving her any reason to go digging into an unhappy past, but it was still his knee-jerk reaction to be tense at any conversation about their relationship. There was a lot of baggage to sort through there — or rather, a lot of baggage to sidestep and sweep under the rug in order to keep Melody blissfully unaware of it. Not that he was sure it was working. Ben still thought Aldous was right in his advice, but Melody hadn't exactly been blissful since her accident. Blissfully happy women didn't write letters to their former fiancees to 'try and figure things out.'

There were any number of reasons why she might have been unhappy, even without all of their past. They didn't have the sort of money she was used to from her life before marriage. He couldn't give her that sort of lifestyle. He'd been transparent about that from the start and had used it as one good reason not to marry her when she'd first proposed it. Finances aside, though, Ben had always supposed himself to be... deficient in other ways, as a husband. He'd never particularly thought that he would be very good at caring for someone else. He thought he'd turned the corner on that when Nora was born, but maybe not. Maybe there was something he was missing, some lack of attentiveness that she'd picked up on, and that was why she wanted to talk.

He assumed the question are you happy was really a veiled way of saying because I'm not. He wet his lips and looked at Melody for a moment, feeling trapped. Should he ask where this was coming from? Or would a good husband already have known? (Maybe he did already know).

"Yes," he said, wondering if it was the wrong answer. He thought perhaps he ought to add something, but anything he could think felt less like a qualifier, not a genuine sentiment. Our daughter makes me happy could be construed as I'm only happy because of our daughter, which... wasn't the case, was it?

---

  

---

MJ made this <3

His monosyllabic reply unsettled her all the more. Why had he allowed her to believe all was well and wonderful with them if the situation was quite the opposite? Even the night they first discussed her pregnancy was filled with strife and resentment. None of the memories she'd recovered spoke of an enjoyable marriage, so why lie and say otherwise? Melody didn't understand.

"I only ask because I remembered only ... you ..." Her thoughts were hardly formed as she spoke, a jumble of questions all trying to be asked simultaneously. She shifted on her feet uncomfortably and folded her arms across her chest. "They were all memories filled with grief and frustration. I mean, our disagreements escalated to us both either planning or wishing for a way out." Melody explained. There was no malice or hurt in her voice, as her tone remained questioning and sincere.

She then paused for another moment, for now she felt terribly awkward continuing to stand in the middle of his room. This had been a terrible choice in locale after all. Perhaps the parlor or dining room would have been a more acceptable choice, one where they were both on neutral ground and she could at least sit. Sighing softly, Melody pressed on, "I guess I'm struggling to understand how we went from there to here. And I don't mean to upset or insult you, nor do I wish to rekindle a fight. I ... I only want to not be so terribly confused anymore."

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

At the words I remembered, Ben stopped trying to hide how tense he was. Shit. This was exactly what he'd been worried about in the first place, and why he'd been hesitant to actually lie to Melody about anything. He had erred on the side of just being vague and not answering any of her questions when he couldn't give her a real answer, because he knew if he lied and she eventually did remember that it would come back to bite him. At the time he'd wondered if he was doing the right thing or not, especially when Melody had admitted to writing to her ex-fiancee seeking answers. He'd thought maybe lying would have been better, if it painted a more comprehensive picture for her — if it didn't leave her feeling like she needed to look elsewhere for clarity. Now he was glad he hadn't.

"We're not going to fight," he reassured her. Perhaps it was a rash promise to make, but he didn't want Melody to feel nervous bringing something up with him — particularly something like this — so he felt some reassurances were in order. He set down the quill and turned away from the letter he'd been writing — something inconsequential for work — so that he could turn to look at her more fully. "How much do you remember?"

---

  

---

MJ made this <3

Ben's reassurances did little to comfort her, not after all the jarring memories of arguing resurfaced. "Not enough. It's more just flashes than anything, some lasting longer than others." Melody answered nervously. The pieces she did remember were jumbled and out of chronological order or so she assumed. Surely, she hadn't taken that potion after discovering they were expecting Eleanora. Merlin, what if she had? But then where was that flat? Was that where he sometimes disappeared to when he was otherwise meant to be at work? Aldous was less than friendly towards her, perhaps he financed it?

Frowning, she took a small step back and dug her nails into the flesh of her upper arms. Was their marriage a farce, then? "We were in a flat and had a terrible disagreement, over a potion I took maybe? And it concluded with you wanting out. There were others too. Did we ever do anything other than argue? I mean, why marry me at all if we disliked each other so?"

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

Ben's throat and mouth were dry. If she remembered only a few things, he could still be judicious with how he filled in the gaps in her memory, if he filled them in at all. That seemed like it would have been in line with Aldous' advice on the subject, based on the last conversation they'd had about it. But what if this was just the tip of the iceberg, and she started remembering more and more? Would she be angry at him for lying to her, if he was only lying to her to try and make her happier?

His breath caught at the word potion. He didn't take in the entire sentence right away, and at first thought she was talking about that potion — the one he'd bought for her, and that she'd actually used on him. If she remembered that, what more was there to talk about? That was the root of everything. Unless she was trying to figure out whether or not he remembered it, if she thought he was still being drugged. But if she remembered an argument...

I mean, why marry me at all if we disliked each other so? Ben chewed his lip and tried to figure out what he was supposed to say to that. He was convinced that she remembered the night they had eloped, and thought perhaps he didn't. He didn't want to commit either way. He wasn't sure how she would react if she thought all the cards were on the table, or what she might be capable of if she thought she was in control here. Melody could be dangerous when she felt trapped — he knew that all too well.

"We're in a better place now," Ben ventured.

---

  

---

MJ made this <3

"Are we?" She pushed. If they were truly happier now then why did he appear to be dragging his feet rather than being honest? If the past was truly in the past then why could he not discuss it with her? Melody sighed heavily and shifted on her feet to avoid pacing. How was this — her stumbling upon memories and being left in the dark — the preferable option?

"You told me you wanted out. You avoided me for months I think. I don't understand what changed to make us happy. I just want to understand, Ben. Because nothing I remember is happy."

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

Ben let out a long breath. That was a lot for her to have remembered, and none of it very good. How was he supposed to explain any of this without giving too much of it away?

This would be easier if he trusted her. He thought he had trusted her, before the accident, but now he wasn't sure. If he didn't know what she remembered, he couldn't know what she was thinking. If he didn't know what she was thinking... well, she could be unpredictable, and although he thought she usually had good intentions her choices hadn't always been good for him or for them.

"That was — we — had a rough start," he admitted. "We just —" Fuck, what to say, what to say, what to say? "— didn't know what we were getting into and that showed up in a lot of ugly ways. But we got through it. I stayed. You stayed. Now we're in a better place," he insisted. "And we have Nora."

---

  

---

MJ made this <3

Melody instantly recognized why they'd been unhappy. It was this, right here. The dishonesty, omission, and avoidance. From what she could remember, she did it just as often as he; the flat argument alone was proof enough of that. How much of it had originated with her, then? How resistant was he to being honest in their relationship because of her choices?

She couldn't stop the swelling of tears, but she refused to let him see her cry over this. Not when he was fully cognizant of everything she was hoping to learn. "Fine." Melody muttered, turning from him to retreat back to her room. "Good night, Ben."

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

Ben could sense that this conversation hadn't gone well, and now she was saying goodbye. Shit, shit, shit. What was he supposed to do? Should he stop her? He didn't know what else he could say to convince her that things were better now, but he didn't want to leave things like this. Damn it, couldn't she just sense that things were better now? He may have been walking on eggshells around her since the accident, but that was nothing like what they'd been through in the early days of their marriage. He wasn't just telling her that they were better to try and calm her down. They were better.

"Melody," he called. "I love you."

---

  

---

MJ made this <3

The sudden utterance of I love you felt familiar in a way she didn't fully understand. They'd said it a few times since her accident, she knew, but this time felt different. It felt almost like a statement said not out of passion or admiration but of desperation. The girl she remembered being would've collapsed at his feet had he said that to her then. She would've cried and begged for a million reassurances that it was a true statement.

Not this time.

Not when it felt as though it was laden with guilt, or like it was a noose she was slowly sticking her head through. "This isn't love, Ben." She told him solemnly from her position in the doorway. "You don't bury answers from someone you love. I don't know what the hell we were, but I know now we were never truly happy. "

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

Ben's stomach dropped at her words. Never happy? She didn't know what she was saying. She didn't remember the days after Nora was born. They'd clawed their way back from some dark times, and they'd built something real together... but now it might as well have never happened at all, because she didn't remember it.

"What — what are you going to do?" he asked, afraid to hear her answer. He knew he couldn't say anything to convince her that they were alright if she didn't already believe it. So if she thought they weren't, and had never been... what was she going to do next?

---

  

---

MJ made this <3

"What?" She asked him, pure confusion on her face. The tears she'd been fighting were falling freely with no move by her to wipe them away. 'What are you going to do?' What did that even mean? Melody had fully intended on retreating to her room, locking her door and sobbing, but that felt like a fair assumption given the circumstances. Why did he view her as some deranged woman that he had to fear her choices?

"I'm going to bed, if that's alright with you. And maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and have another day of half formed memories resurfacing to be confused by. What else do you expect me to do?" It wasn't as though she had anywhere she could go. A friend's, perhaps, but even that would be only for an afternoon at most. Melody could scarcely imagine being away from Eleanora for that long. "What kind of question is that?"

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

Ben blinked, unsure what to think of her response. Did she really not have any plans? The way that she'd delivered the line about how they'd never been happy had seemed so... final.

"You're — not going to leave?" he asked. Maybe that was a dangerous question — maybe he'd help put the idea into her head. Still, he couldn't really believe that the thought hadn't crossed her mind at least once.

---

  

---

MJ made this <3