Ford hadn't been sure what he'd expected Tycho to say when he caught up with him, but he had been expecting him to say something. If he'd yelled or gotten defensive or been abrupt, Ford could have handled that. His silence was more difficult, because it meant Ford had to think of what to say next instead of just reacting. It also couldn't fail to make Ford aware of the lack of silence around them; they were in the middle of a festival, and while Ford had been too caught up in his feelings to think about that before he suddenly felt very exposed while he tried to think how to start this conversation. His cheeks flushed with embarrassment before he'd even started talking.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I've... got shit to deal with, too, but that's no excuse to be an ass. Can we go somewhere and talk?"

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Set by Lady!

Tycho was rather easily placated when Ford apologized. Especially when he explained somewhat that he was going through some things too. "We could head to my house. If you wanted to see the fireworks, we would be able to see them wonderfully from my rooftop. Or we can hunt some private alcove around here."

  

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Can we dance like we're all alone
Stop the time and make it still
Hold you like I always will

Ford breathed a sigh of relief when Tycho didn't turn him away. It didn't mean things were better between them, but it gave them a chance to mend them, anyway. Ford glanced around at the festival wistfully before he answered; he'd been planning on having fun tonight in a way he didn't often get to do. He almost never had chances to socialize that didn't revolve around his sisters, and tonight was supposed to be that. The comment earlier about talking alone had likely sullied the party for the rest of the evening. He couldn't enjoy drinking and talking with friends if he was constantly being reminded that people like him weren't allowed to talk about how they really felt in public.

"Your house," he answered. "Maybe I'll pick up one of those cocoas you mentioned for the walk."

Tycho agreed, and twenty minutes later they were on a balcony in Wellingtonshire, sitting in chairs pointed vaguely in the direction of the Black Lake, where eventually there were supposed to be fireworks. They'd managed to discuss nothing of substance throughout the transition, but it had always felt thin; all of the other stuff was still there, just below the surface, and there was a tacit understanding that they were just putting off talking about it until they'd reached privacy. Now they had it, which meant it was time to ditch the superficial conversation, but Ford wasn't feel particularly eager to begin.

"So, should we talk?" he asked, unsure how to transition into this. Then, after a reluctant moment, he added, "I can go first if you want." That seemed fitting penance, since he'd been the first and more egregious transgressor in their earlier disagreement. He wrapped his hands more tightly around the mug of cocoa with brandy as if the warmth would steel him for the conversation.

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Set by Lady!

Tycho wasn't even sure what they had talked about as they made their way back to his house. He had set up nice, plushy chairs on the balcony so that they could enjoy the fireworks. He would have preferred the roof but he didn't think it was smart to head up to his rooftop balcony when they were both tipsy and emotional.

"Ah, yes. If you're comfortable with that. I don't mind going first instead if you need a moment," Tycho said as he twirled his wand to summon a small table with biscuits for them to enjoy. He picked one up and ducked it into his cocoa.

  

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Can we dance like we're all alone
Stop the time and make it still
Hold you like I always will

Ford settled farther into his chair. A moment wouldn't get him ready for this, but neither would ten moments, or an hour. He didn't want to talk about it, plain and simple, but not talking about it clearly wasn't an option. Not talking about it had led him here, where he'd nearly stormed off and abandoned Tycho. He couldn't afford to lose any friends. And Ford realized now that it was hypocritical of him to think Tycho ought to have shared anything about how he was feeling or what he was going through when Ford had revealed so little of his own life.

His eyes shifted from the cocoa cup off towards the horizon. "I was seeing someone," he admitted. "And we're — I'm — not anymore," he said. There wasn't a we anymore; that was the whole point. He pulled his sleeve up over one hand to wipe the base of his nose, which was nearly dripping from the cold of the walk. "For a lot of reasons, but... one of them was that it was — important that we were discreet about everything, and I guess it's — I'm not very good at being discreet when there's feelings involved," he said with a huff. "So when you said we couldn't talk unless we were alone I guess it just... hit a nerve."

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Set by Lady!

Ford did not know what he had been expecting Ford to say but it certainly had not been that. Ford had been seeing someone. Ford was telling him something important but Tycho couldn't help the dropping feeling in his stomach or the way his throat felt like it was suddenly constricting. What an inconvenient time to fully realize that your emotions towards your friend were much more than platonic. He was just thankful that Ford hadn't been looking at him since he wasn't sure what expression might have crossed over his face in that moment.

He took a sip of his cocoa to steady himself before responding. Ford had needed to be discreet which carried a lot of possibilities. "I've had times when I have had to have my love life be very discreet and I can understand how hard it is to do so," Tycho said, smiling sympathetically. "If you ever need someone to talk to all about things like that - you can come here. You could tell me you were in love with a monkey and I would listen."

Tycho paused for a moment before speaking. "I had a vivid vision of my own fathers death and my mother blames me for it. She also thinks I don't care at all because I keep trying to cheer her up. He never really approved of me fully, you know? But he also never disowned me. I guess he cared about me."

  

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Can we dance like we're all alone
Stop the time and make it still
Hold you like I always will

Well that was... fucking heavy. Ford wasn't able to say anything for a long moment after Ty finished. Ford had been skeptical about Tycho's visions earlier in their friendship, but that skepticism had evaporated after Verity's kidnapping. He had no doubt at all that Tycho really had seen his father die, and that wasn't something he would wish on anyone.

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely, and for a moment he only said that. He shifted in his chair and accidentally spilled a tiny bit of cocoa onto his leg. It didn't burn; it was only lukewarm now. "I have some experience with... complicated feelings about your father. So I get it," he eventually added. He shifted again and smiled a bit sadly at his lap. "Sometimes I think my mother blames me, too. Not for my father dying but for the predicament we're in now."

Ford looked over at Tycho. "When I said I kept forgetting you were in mourning I didn't mean that I didn't think you cared about him. I meant — it's hard to explain," he said with another small sigh. He wrapped his hands around his cooca cup and tried again. "It's like if — if normal people are like gaslights and when they're in mourning you dim them. But you're like a star," he said in something of a rush — he didn't know if this was making any sense at all. "You don't get dim. The stars always burn the same way no matter what the night's like around them."

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Set by Lady!

Tycho only nodded and sipped at his cocoa, letting it warm him when his friend said he was sorry before silence fell. He looked over at Ford as the other man kept shifting in his chair and smiled sympathetically when Ford spoke once more.

"I had no idea that was how you saw me.. but I like that," Tycho said as he took in what Ford was saying to him. "Did you want to talk more about your sweetheart?" Tycho both wanted to hear all about it - out of a combination of nosiness and genuine desire to let Ford get things off his chest - and didn't want to hear it.

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   Fortitude Greengrass

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Can we dance like we're all alone
Stop the time and make it still
Hold you like I always will

Ford frowned at the layer of cooled skin that was forming on top of his cocoa. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to talk about Macnair or not. It was still painful to even think about, but maybe talking would help. He didn't have many options if he did want to talk about it; the only other person who knew was Lestrange, and after their last conversation about it... Ford didn't really think he wanted to talk to Lestrange. It wasn't that Cash hadn't been sympathetic, just that — what was it?

It was that he was embarrassed, Ford realized. Cash knew too much about things and had seen Ford too emotional. There was no recovering — any conversation they had about it moving forward would start from here, with Ford ashamed that he'd been with a married man and guilty that he'd let things go on so long after he found out about the pregnancy and embarrassed that he'd nearly cried about it in the private room at Black's. And telling Tycho anything about Macnair would involve telling him those things, or at least hinting at them, because there was no way to explain the way Ford was feeling about it now without articulating the factors that had led him here.

"No," he said quietly. "If I did, you might think differently of me."

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Set by Lady!

"I honestly don't think such a thing is possible," Tycho said honestly. Besides, he already had a suspicion about what factors Ford did not want to share. "You can trust me, Ford. Anything you say - I will listen with an open mind and accept you no matter what it is."

  

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Can we dance like we're all alone
Stop the time and make it still
Hold you like I always will

Ford hesitated. What if I don't want to risk it? Tycho was important to him, and Ford couldn't afford to scare him off; that was the realization that had driven him here in the first place, instead of staying back at the festival making superficial conversation and drinking cheap beer. And Tycho might say he would accept whatever Ford said — even mean it, sincerely — and still have a reaction to something Ford said that he couldn't help. If given the opportunity, Ford might have said something similar to Macnair in September. It seemed silly in hindsight, knowing how immediately and dramatically the news of the baby had changed everything, but he hadn't known then what was coming. And Macnair had just told Ford he loved him. He'd felt invincible in those few brief seconds. He would have sworn nothing could have changed the way he felt, but he would have been wrong.

"You'd better," he joked weakly. "Because I don't know any memory charms, so if I tell you I can't take it back."

Was he going to tell Tycho? And if he did start to tell him, how much? His friend seemed interested, though whether the interest was genuine or only polite, Ford couldn't really tell. It would probably be good for him to talk about it. He didn't want to talk about it, with Tycho or anyone, right now or maybe ever, but — if all of this were happening to Cash instead of him, Ford probably would have said it would help to talk about it with someone.

The steam from his cocoa had dwindled. The mug between his hands was alternatively warm from the liquid inside and chilled from the air. This was going to be cold long before he could finish drinking it. Ford mentally gave up on the beverage, but kept hold of it for now to continue leeching whatever warmth he could for his hands.

"This relationship was probably the most selfish thing I've ever done," he admitted. His eyes were still on his cocoa. "As an adult, anyway. Certainly since —" He hesitated, feeling precarious. This felt like too much of an admission but it wasn't technically incriminating, and there wasn't anything else Ford could use to complete the thought so after a beat he continued. "— since my father died. And I'm not... proud of that. When we were together I was happy, and I didn't care about all the rest of it, but — now that it's over — I don't know if I like what that says about me."

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Set by Lady!

"Yes, please don't make me a product of a botched memory charm," Tycho chuckled. He knew he might not have total control over his reaction so hopefully any initial reaction to what Ford had to say that he had, Ford wouldn't take the wrong way.

Tycho said aside his chilled half-empty mug on the little table with the serving tray of cookies that was wedged between their seats.

"There's nothing wrong with having taken a bit of happiness for yourself," Tycho said as he turned so that he could look more properly at his friend. "You're the type of person that does everything for others. It isn't selfish to have had this one area for yourself. It's not like we can control love or who we feel it for, anyway." He should know though he didn't think he would have stopped himself even if it was something controllable.

  

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Can we dance like we're all alone
Stop the time and make it still
Hold you like I always will

Ford considered this. It wasn't exactly what he'd been expecting to hear, but he wasn't sure what he'd expected instead. He let out a huff of breath. "I don't know. Not if it hurts someone else." He followed Tycho's lead and set his mug down on the tray between them, then buried his hands in his pockets for warmth. Happiness and love was one thing, but those moments didn't exist in isolation.

"I've got a lot of people to take care of. And —" Ford hesitated again. This was the point of no return. He shifted his weight in his chair. "— he was married. About to have a family." Ford glanced at Tycho long enough to see his reaction, then shifted his eyes to his lap. His cheeks flushed with embarrassment as he continued, "It's better that it's over."

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Set by Lady!

Who was hurt due to Ford loving someone? You know, besides him? Plus he didn't quite count since Ford had no idea and Tycho had every intention of having it stay that way. Ford had enough going on and Tycho was aware that he was also currently a mess given everything he was dealing with after his fathers death.

And there it was, confirmed subtly for him. He. Well, that was often the norm for people like them so he wasn't too surprised to hear it. "Which part did you fear I might forsake our friendship for? That it was a he or that he was a married man?" Tycho asked.

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   Fortitude Greengrass

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Can we dance like we're all alone
Stop the time and make it still
Hold you like I always will

The question surprised him. Ford looked up at Tycho with an expression that implied he wasn't sure that he'd heard correctly. He knew that society at large disapproved of men being in relationships — Muggles had even made it illegal — but he also knew that it happened. Quite frequently, if his own experiences were any indication. Lestrange, Macnair, him... Tycho, too, he was fairly sure, or else he'd entirely misinterpreted when Broadmoor said he'd been spending the night. It was just something people did — particularly wealthy people who were killing time before they were old enough to get married and start families — and he had never anticipated that Tycho would be particularly conservative when it came to the issue. He wasn't conservative about anything else.

"That he was married," Ford said, as though it were obvious. "It — it matters. To me, anyway. I — I didn't think I'd ever be the sort of person who would do something like that." He shrugged and sagged into his chair a little farther. "I don't know. He said it was different and she didn't expect him to love her. But it still felt — wrong, whenever I let myself think about it."

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Set by Lady!

"And there is nothing wrong with you feeling that way. Your feelings are valid," Tycho assured. "So are his, really, as a lot of our kind of people don't have the privilege of marrying for love and maybe he was one of those people. That does not mean you should throw away your own values, though - it simply did not match up with your lovers in this instance which can sadly sometimes happen."

Honestly, this second hand drama just cemented his opinion even more that he was either going to marry for love or not at all. He could always adopt some ward and give him his family name if it ended up being the latter. Though who knew, maybe someday life would be different and he could boldly state to people he was in love with a man without worrying about wasting away in some muggle jail cell. Perhaps he'd look into that, there had to be some sort of secret society thing ... there was one for sex parties, why not one for those who wished to bring forth change for those that did not fit the societal norm when it came to romance?

For now, though, he sighed and looked over at Ford. "I'm sorry that you have been going through so much with me having no idea but I can be here for you now. Even if it's just sitting in silence together and having a staring contest."

  

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Can we dance like we're all alone
Stop the time and make it still
Hold you like I always will