And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

May 30, 1890 - The Goyle Home, Irvingly

Percy had fully intended to speak with Maggie after his talk with Miss Jennings the other day, however, after Miss Jennings abrupt departure Percy had found he couldn't make his feet move to Maggie's home. He'd needed time to think things over. Not to mention that Maggie's silence told him she needed his space. But now her silence, her space, well it was worrying Percy.

However much he had tried to keep Miss Jennings and their conversation from his mind, however, as he distracted himself from Maggie's silence over the course of the next few days, he could not help but keep coming back to it. The hope he had seen in her eyes, the laughter and curiosity she normally shared with him when they met. It was a friendship, nothing more. Yet Percy knew, and could not admit it to himself, that had Maggie not come back into his life, he would had a different response for Miss Jennings.

When work concluded for the day Percy knew he could not handle Maggie's silence any longer. He could not respect the space it indicated she needed. So he apperated to Irvingly and walked down the path he had used so many times in the past few months. A sense of worry tugging on his stomach with each step. Why did it feel as if he were walking to propose to her all over again? Finally reaching the door he knocked on it waiting for Maggie to open the door.

Margaret Goyle

  

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Pretties from Lady <3

The physical effects of the miscarriage had finally ceased a few days ago. It had taken Maggie weeks to accept the eventual reality of mothering a bastard, and just when she had finally mustered the courage to tell Percy the bleeding had begun. Maggie had suffered through enough losses to know there was no hope for the baby. There was no chance the bleeding was just some random spotting she would soon recover from. By the time the cramps had begun Maggie had retired to her bedroom and left Victoria in charge.

The emotional trauma of the loss was going to take far more time to heal. Maggie never thought she would have to cope through this again, but here she was mourning a life she would never know. What made it worse was this time it was Percy's child, too. It wasn't half her and half a man she could hardly stand. The baby was half of the greatest love of her life, and it was gone.

Avoiding Percy was cowardice, she knew, but Maggie could hardly stand the thought of looking at him without crumbling into pieces. After seeing him that day with Ms. Jennings, well, she knew he would be better off with someone else. Someone less broken. Someone more capable of giving him what he deserved. And despite Ms. Jennings' obvious lack of magic, the woman was sweet and kind. Maggie could think of few better for her love than her. Marrying a muggle would create many difficulties for Percy in his career, but none more so than a known affair and bastard would. It was better this way — he would be better off this way.

Victoria and the children were off visiting with their grandparents when the knock at the door came. She knew she wouldn't be able to avoid Percy forever (the man was more stubborn than a mule sometimes) but she thought she would have more time yet. As it was, Maggie had no explanation ready for him as she opened the door. There was no armor hiding her intense grief from the world, just a vast wasteland of emptiness and resignation. "Hi, Percy." Maggie greeted before stepping aside so he could come in. The conversation they were to have was one the outside world couldn't overhear.

  

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Beautiful set by MJ

It only took Percy a glance at Maggie's face as she opened the door to know that something was wrong. Lines of age that he had grown accustomed to in these past months had deepen and sadness was evident on her face. Percy's first thought was that it must be the children. He was foolish to have thought her silence would be anything else. "Are the children alright?" He asked as he stepped in the door, concern echoed on his face.

  

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Pretties from Lady <3

However good natured his question it was like spreading salt on her wounds. Of course he would inquire after them, for why else would she have effectively disappeared from his life once again? Maggie nodded mutely as she closed the door behind him. Somehow or another she had to make it through this conversation without explaining what happened. If Percy knew she had lost their child he wouldn't want to leave her. He would refuse to pursue Ms. Jennings and Maggie would only continue to fail him again and again. Regardless of how deep for him her love ran, Maggie couldn't put either of them through that heartache.

They moved into the parlor, allowing Maggie a few precious seconds to steel her nerves — to put her mask in place and survive this conversation. She had weathered through far worse with Edmund (after all, hadn't she been the one to inform him their daughter was born asleep) she could make it through this.

"Yes, they're all fine. They're visiting my parents with Victoria." She said, still not giving him the explanation he so deserved. "Everyone is fine."

  

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Beautiful set by MJ

The nod did nothing to quell Percy's concerns. His brow only furrowed more in concern. But he knew better than to press the issue and instead followed Maggie to the parlor.

When at last she spoke Percy took in her words with a sense of skepticism. Everyone was fine. Then why did Maggie look as if someone had died? "Everyone that is but yourself." Percy put together, looking at her with concern evident on his face. So his worried hadn't been off base. She was having second thoughts.

  

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Pretties from Lady <3

The truths of their last argument were all she could think of as she looked at him. If she had just told him then about her obligations, if she had just trusted him, their mountains of heartache could've been avoided. If she had divulged the truth instead of considering only his future, then they might've found a way to make it work. The truth was all he ever asked for, and here she was denying him it once again.

Maggie sighed heavily. The lost child — the lost future — belonged to him just as much as it belonged to her. He deserved to know. He deserved the opportunity to mourn if it at all mattered to him. "I was pregnant." She replied rather bluntly with her arms folded across her chest. "I was pregnant and I lost it, just as I lost all the others." If he ever wondered why she only had two children separated by years he hadn't asked, so this truth was likely a revelation. An unfortunate reality to being the broken soul she was.

  

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Her words stunned him and it took him a moment to process. Pregnant. With a child. With a child that was..... his mind whirled to do the math to realize what she was telling him. For a half moment it took his breathe away, the thought that he would be a father, before he realized what she was telling him. And then the final blow hit... just like all the others. This wasn't her first lost child. He didn't know much of women's matters such of these, but he knew enough to understand what she was telling him.

"Oh, Maggie." He stepped forward to wrap her in his embrace, to try to share the grief with her.

  

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Pretties from Lady <3

Comfort for the losses was what she needed most from Edmund and never received. In many ways she was certain the losses were what drove him furthest from her. No woman ought to lose as many pregnancies as she had, and those who did must've committed some  great evil to be deserving of such grief. Much like she knew Percy deserved to know, Maggie knew she was undeserving of comfort. The grief was her burden to bear through life.

"Please, don't." She mumbled as she hastily took a step back. It was absolutely bewildering that she hadn't crumbled yet, but the worst was still yet to come. Percy couldn't be here. He couldn't remain with her. Not after this. "You wanted the truth more than anything last time. You deserved the truth then and you deserve it now...I'm broken, Percy. I've lost more pregnancies than I can count over the years. Most of them one after another. This is just another loss...and I can't do this. Not again. You deserve someone who can give you a family." She drew further from him and curled into herself as the pain from all her losses came rushing back in.

"Someone like Ms. Jennings."

  

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Beautiful set by MJ

In that step back, that great opening of a chasm, Percy felt as if Maggie had once again turned down his proposal. It felt as physical as actual blow. Percy froze at the reaction at her desperate plea for him to stay away, his arms dropping to his sides his eyes questioning her, the hurt plain on his face as the void that was in front of them.

What truth had she kept from him? Percy knew she had fought him over this, but he had thought he'd swayed her. Thought that for once they could find some happiness. And perhaps they could have if it weren't for the simple statement that he would never be able to overcome. I can't do this. If it were for his sake he would press the suit, tell her that his reputation, his happiness, a family, it all paled to the very thought of being with her. But it was no longer about what was best for him. He could not fight her when it came to her best interests.

The heartbreak of youth if different than that of those who had seen life. Then the heart springs back, a well of bitterness that slowly clears. Now all Percy could feel was his one hope of happiness slipping away. "Maggie-" His voice broke to say - something, he wasn't sure what, but he knew he couldn't mend this.

Then as if from the blue Miss Jennings was brought into the conversation. As if Maggie knew all that had taken place. He froze, looking at her, his heart breaking, but something falling into place that he hadn't been able to come to terms with since his conversation with the school teacher.

"And what do you deserve?" Percy asked, his voice careful, guarded as he tried to sort through his emotions.

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   Margaret Goyle

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Pretties from Lady <3

Tears fell without her notice as she watched his heart break alongside her own. She had done this — she had hurt him again. It was all she ever did to him, starting as far back as their Christmas at school. Maggie knew what he was sacrificing staying with her on campus, she knew that he missed his family and their traditions, and she had kept it from him. Standing before him now all Maggie could see were the hurts she caused: forcing him to attend her wedding despite his proposal, engaging in letters despite his obvious anger towards her in the elevator, her pleading with him not to leave. Perhaps that was why these losses kept occurring. Perhaps it was her penance for her selfishness.

Maggie dropped her gaze to the floor. She deserved heartache and pain, apparently. She deserved to be betrayed by her husband and to watch as her lover went off with someone else. She deserved to bury her children. None of which she dared say to him. "I don't know." Maggie said instead. "Does it matter?"

  

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The tears that slid down Maggie's cheeks felt as if it were Percy's own tears. Her hurt was his. Their pain was their's to bare together. But she wouldn't allow him to.

"Of course it does." Percy's voice was quiet between them. "You know I've only ever cared for your happiness." He wanted to reach forward, to wipe away the tears, but he knew he couldn't. Knew the boundaries she had set. "If you can't do this, Maggie. I won't force you."

  

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Pretties from Lady <3

"I can't keep hurtung you." She cried. This loss would be followed by another in an endless pattern until she was no longer capable of conceiving. Edmund had grown to despise her because of it — Maggie couldn't bear it if Percy looked at her that way. "You'll grow to hate me too."

  

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Beautiful set by MJ

Percy's immediate reaction was to flat out deny what she said. But there was truth there. He'd realized it that first night he'd come to her house. He'd known then that it would end poorly. Had known it was destined for heart break, but he'd pressed on. Her words, while they hurt, and while they hinted at the pain of her life, gave him pause, seeing things from her point of view. How would they ever find happiness if she were always blaming herself for his regrets, adding to them like bunnies in the spring time even if he didn't actually feel that way? Perhaps she was right perhaps they would grow to resent each other, possibly even to hate each other.

Then there was the fact that he was the Adlard heir, Felicity's stinging comments from February kept coming back to him. He had a duty to his family, one he couldn't ignore when it came to children. He might not feel that duty the way his father had, but it didn't mean it didn't exist. She was offering him a life he should have had had he not run into her in that elevator.

"Where does that leave us?" His words broke his heart, he almost couldn't believe he was saying them. His hands hung limply at his sides and he resisted comforting her. Tears welled up in his own eyes. It was a certain type of hell losing the love of your life twice in a lifetime.

  

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Pretties from Lady <3

Where does that leave us?

Maggie's heart shattered at the question. Depsite her determination for this exact result, she didn't realize how much hope she placed in his faith. She was the skeptic, the critic, the one who undoubtedly knew where this was going. Percy was supposed to be the one who reminded her of his love, who promised tomorrow, who never walked away. So long as Percy held onto hope they had a shot in the dark for happiness. For him to lose hope meant this was really over. The few months of happiness they shared were all they'd ever have.

Maggie didn't blame him, how could she? She was effectively shoving him out the door. Percy was right to look after himself for once in his life, just as he was right to find happiness elsewhere. But, Maggie knew she wouldn't be able to afford him the same kindness he gave her. She wouldn't stand in the back of the church and watch him wed. She wouldn't comment on how handsome he looked and how lucky Ms. Jennings was. If the grief of losing their baby didn't eventually kill her that certainly would.

"Nowhere." She said quietly, her tears pouring like a river down her cheeks and into the dark black of her dress. Maggie then crossed the divide between them, bracing her hand on his chest as she kissed his cheek gently before sadly stating, "it leaves us nowhere."

  

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Beautiful set by MJ

Nowhere was a great void facing them. A place in the world that didn't exist, that they didn't exist. Perhaps for the past few months they had lived outside of the world, sheltered in a place that was as much nowhere as that void. Another world where they had found peace and happiness if only for a short time.

Percy stiffened at Maggie's touch a physical pain slicing through him with her words. But he softened, his arms wrapping around her, holding her close to his chest so she couldn't see his tears. He wouldn't make this harder for her. He'd already done that enough in their lives. He wouldn't tell her he loved her, or how much he wished that child had lived, how much he wished their love had survived. It had lived, a short burst of a firework, the smoke lingering in the sky long after it was gone.

Kissing the top of her head Percy took a decisive step away from Maggie. His body ached to return to her, but instead he held himself steady. What did he say to her as it all crumbled away? How to make it easier for her when he couldn't say every phrase that he wished he could? How did he go on living his life as he had without her in it? How had he done it before?

Words stuck in his throat and before he could make it worse for either of them he put his hat back on and walked out the door.

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   Melody Crouch

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Pretties from Lady <3