She didn't understand half as much as she thought she did. There was a competition in her mind that simply didn't exist in reality; he'd never passed up an opportunity to spend time with her in favor of a social event with Miss Cosgrove. And he honestly hadn't been trying to keep his courtship of Miss Cosgrove from her, except that he had never gone out of his way to bring it up. He'd treated the subject with the same apathy with all of his siblings, though; he simply wasn't one to announce his news when the rumor mill could handle it just as effectively. She had conflated this ordeal with Miss Cosgrove with something he had been hiding from her, because he hid it from almost everyone. She might say she saw his secrets and welcomed them, but Emrys knew better than to think she would really be so understanding if the truth were on the table.
His mind was stuck on all of the things he'd already said, which he could say again and again tonight without ever making her believe them. It's not the same, you don't understand, things aren't like that with her, it means nothing. None were likely to have much of an impact on her; she would think he was lying, trying to brush off her concerns, patronizing, when really he was being more honest with her in this moment than he had been in any previous conversation. He just couldn't explain why, because she wouldn't understand, and since she didn't know why she was never going to believe him.
Then she rolled out her ultimatum, and she used his first name. Emrys wasn't sure which affected him more, but for a moment he was speechless as he tried to push through a cloud of emotion in his chest. "Angelica," he breathed, pain evident in his voice. This might be the last time he spoke to her like this, if she was true to her word. He'd come too far with Miss Cosgrove to change direction now, even if he wanted to; the engagement ring was tucked into the top drawer of the desk in his study, and all the plans made. He could still back out (though not without causing a storm of rumors), but if he did, what then? Marry Angelica? Marry her, and take her into his home? Marry this woman who wanted access to all of his secrets, to know every piece of him? He hadn't even been able to keep her entirely disentangled from his other life during their ongoing affair in the summer, so it was folly to think that he could keep his secrets to himself if they were married. Someday she'd discover something she couldn't cope with, whatever she said now, and this would all come crashing down.
And even if she never learned a secret she wasn't comfortable with, he couldn't have married her. Marriage was permanent, but every observation Emrys had made of the world, all his past experiences, brought him to the conclusion that love was not. Even if she never became disgusted with him or never grew to hate him, sooner or later she would at least be apathetic. When that happened (not if), the only thing that would save him would be putting as much distance between the two of them as possible, to try and numb the pain. Sharing a life with her, living in the same house as her, would be unbearable. He'd fallen in and out of love before in his life, but he had never felt like this. If he continued to feel this way when her feelings shifted to something else, having to continue seeing her every day would kill him, he was sure.
So this might be the last time, if she was serious about the ultimatum she'd laid down. He couldn't see a way around it, at least not with the wheels that had already been set in motion continuing to spin. If she'd said this months ago he might have put off searching for a wife entirely, for years if necessary, for the chance at keeping her just that much longer. But he couldn't see his way back down from the precipice they were on now, when she had demanded access to his secrets and Miss Cosgrove was expecting a proposal tomorrow. So: if this was the last time, what should he say to her?
"I see you," he said quietly. "I couldn't look through you if I tried."
His mind was stuck on all of the things he'd already said, which he could say again and again tonight without ever making her believe them. It's not the same, you don't understand, things aren't like that with her, it means nothing. None were likely to have much of an impact on her; she would think he was lying, trying to brush off her concerns, patronizing, when really he was being more honest with her in this moment than he had been in any previous conversation. He just couldn't explain why, because she wouldn't understand, and since she didn't know why she was never going to believe him.
Then she rolled out her ultimatum, and she used his first name. Emrys wasn't sure which affected him more, but for a moment he was speechless as he tried to push through a cloud of emotion in his chest. "Angelica," he breathed, pain evident in his voice. This might be the last time he spoke to her like this, if she was true to her word. He'd come too far with Miss Cosgrove to change direction now, even if he wanted to; the engagement ring was tucked into the top drawer of the desk in his study, and all the plans made. He could still back out (though not without causing a storm of rumors), but if he did, what then? Marry Angelica? Marry her, and take her into his home? Marry this woman who wanted access to all of his secrets, to know every piece of him? He hadn't even been able to keep her entirely disentangled from his other life during their ongoing affair in the summer, so it was folly to think that he could keep his secrets to himself if they were married. Someday she'd discover something she couldn't cope with, whatever she said now, and this would all come crashing down.
And even if she never learned a secret she wasn't comfortable with, he couldn't have married her. Marriage was permanent, but every observation Emrys had made of the world, all his past experiences, brought him to the conclusion that love was not. Even if she never became disgusted with him or never grew to hate him, sooner or later she would at least be apathetic. When that happened (not if), the only thing that would save him would be putting as much distance between the two of them as possible, to try and numb the pain. Sharing a life with her, living in the same house as her, would be unbearable. He'd fallen in and out of love before in his life, but he had never felt like this. If he continued to feel this way when her feelings shifted to something else, having to continue seeing her every day would kill him, he was sure.
So this might be the last time, if she was serious about the ultimatum she'd laid down. He couldn't see a way around it, at least not with the wheels that had already been set in motion continuing to spin. If she'd said this months ago he might have put off searching for a wife entirely, for years if necessary, for the chance at keeping her just that much longer. But he couldn't see his way back down from the precipice they were on now, when she had demanded access to his secrets and Miss Cosgrove was expecting a proposal tomorrow. So: if this was the last time, what should he say to her?
"I see you," he said quietly. "I couldn't look through you if I tried."
Lou made this! <3