WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS —

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Although I cannot disagree about the value of a little intrigue, I think you have quite underestimated the extent of the challenge here. You will find it quite difficult to make the acquaintance of one such as I. For one, I live alone - in the remotest of countryside - and do not open up my home to visitors lightly. For I am an orphan, too, and have long since lived a most picturesque and solitary life. Perhaps I do long for a companion —

But loss and tragedy have surrounded me these years, and you thus understand why I should beware of inviting an innocent into the fold? Perhaps my advertisement was a terrible mistake.

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   Aldous Crouch, Ophelia Devine