I thought I'd moved past needing  to do this in the last year or so, but apparently I haven't. Funny how losing something or someone special brings out the need for your big brother. I can't even imagine the look on your face anymore. What was once so clear to me has faded all too swiftly. Thank goodness for photographs, but none of them have that look that you used to give me that made me figure everything out without even having to ask.

I miss that.

I wonder what you'd say if you knew where I'd landed myself this time. Would you think me foolish or that I did the right thing? I feel incredibly foolish, like I ruined something that I'll never have again, but I didn't know what else to do. I still don't know what to do.  I feel this ever-present ache that I just can't get rid of, I've just learned to live with it over the last few months. There are days I'd give anything to take it all back, to apologize and beg for forgiveness. Some days I find a halfhearted conviction that I did what was necessary and would be better in the long run- but it still hurts. If I made the right choice, why does it still leave me breathless when I think about it?

Tomorrow is his birthday, I think that's what prompted my need to get some of this out tonight. I don't know who else to talk to about it, but this will be the first time since graduation I won't go downstairs in the morning to help cook make something to send or have Harvey pick out some kind of appropriate quidditch gear. It feels weird not to be looking for a new recipe tonight while I sit here doing this instead. I've thought about writing to him so many times and I've only broken down once, right before he left for that ridiculous expedition into Irvingly. I know I can't tomorrow, not without explaining myself, so I won't, but how I wish I could. So you get my ramblings instead, I miss you Bentley.