I don't blame you for protecting him. My heart still aches as I watch you so strongly defend another. Perhaps you are right in your assessment of marriage, but please understand that you deal with a woman, a human being with a heart most vulnerable to your whims.

I want you to understand that even if what you say is true, I submit my case: it is not ridiculous for a wife to expect her husband to fulfill even part of her expectations in these categories. I admit the same is true for you; whatever you think of vows, I have not been the wife I promised to be to you. That is my failing. That does not mean I should be nothing to you. I may not be your everything, but that will never mean I want to settle for your 'nothing.' I will be clear in my wishes: I want you as my husband and I want to be your wife. I ask that you and I redefine these terms together so that we may both find satisfaction in this facet of life.

This may make sense to you, perhaps this is the sort of thing men just know in life, but I've never considered how to move when my husband is in love with someone else. Whatever you think of me, please understand that what you ask of my heart and my pride is painful. And, no, your vague allusions before we married were not enough to warn me. And perhaps it makes me twice the fool, because I don't wish to change you. When I think of the things I would change, and there are many, I do not change you, but I change what and how you told me. I change this because, my love, I can live with this man you love. I can coexist and live my life without the constant worry of some young thing arriving on my doorstep to blackmail with her bastard child. I can exist and not feel rejected for your need for something I cannot provide. I can still present myself in public without feeling like the butt of every joke. I can endure much, but I would prefer to thrive. Tell me the truth of things. Give me the information to make the right decisions for myself.

Please do not tell me what you cannot be when I don't believe we are agreed on what I want. What I want now, after years and confusion, and mutual disappointment, is an honest conversation. I will not ask to forget what we've been through, but I want to meet you now. I want to know the man I married; what I've always wanted. I am not asking you to come to tea, expecting a miracle, and anticipating a night in your arms. I'm not an idiot, but I feel as if I should explain that to you in simple terms. Perhaps it would have served us both to be less clever and more plain with one another.

Angelica

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