Samuel stopped eating and saw that she had her gaze half turned away from him. Perhaps someone had once told her about the effect her eyes had on people, and now she tried to be careful with them. It had nothing to do with the color; they were of deep blue with a bright and cool-toned sunburst pattern around the pupil. Neither was it the shape. It was the way she locked on unflinchingly to whatever was in her focus and seemed to extract information without regard if the rightful owner wished or wished not to part with it. If uninvited, that could certainly be off-putting.
"You can look at me," said Samuel. He had already made peace with that quality of her character. He appreciated her for it. It forced him into honesty. That could only do him good, right?
"If that is so, we do not pretend."
He now had to ask himself why he had felt compelled to make that joke at all. It was perhaps because the sudden arrival of propriety had increased the dissonance with his inner state. It strengthened the impression that all the things around him were no longer stable, but placed on an incline and slowly sliding out of where they were supposed to be at rest.
"Perhaps we have the impulse to pretend only if something matters in truth so much that articulating its magnitude troubles us," he added.
Suddenly he wished that he had not forgone waistcoat and jacket. The shirt he was wearing was hardly more revealing and he had buttoned it up as high as was customary, but the absence of structure and layers did make him feel half-dressed now. Usually this was appropriate for this room, but now it was no longer. Another net of safety that he had discarded without thinking about it.
Samuel emptied his wine glass and with the resigned knowledge that there was nothing else to do to make this easier on them, he refilled it and offered a top-up to Themis.
"You can look at me," said Samuel. He had already made peace with that quality of her character. He appreciated her for it. It forced him into honesty. That could only do him good, right?
"If that is so, we do not pretend."
He now had to ask himself why he had felt compelled to make that joke at all. It was perhaps because the sudden arrival of propriety had increased the dissonance with his inner state. It strengthened the impression that all the things around him were no longer stable, but placed on an incline and slowly sliding out of where they were supposed to be at rest.
"Perhaps we have the impulse to pretend only if something matters in truth so much that articulating its magnitude troubles us," he added.
Suddenly he wished that he had not forgone waistcoat and jacket. The shirt he was wearing was hardly more revealing and he had buttoned it up as high as was customary, but the absence of structure and layers did make him feel half-dressed now. Usually this was appropriate for this room, but now it was no longer. Another net of safety that he had discarded without thinking about it.
Samuel emptied his wine glass and with the resigned knowledge that there was nothing else to do to make this easier on them, he refilled it and offered a top-up to Themis.
