Noble's response did little to soothe the knot in Ford's stomach. It could have been worse; Noble could have said aren't you? or well... or even said nothing at all and just given Ford a look that said it instead. This was better, because at least he'd looked abashed at the implication, but it wasn't as though he'd denied thinking it. He just didn't understand why.

"What do you mean, why?" Ford returned with a skeptical look. If Noble was asking why a relationship, surely that part was obvious. Ford wasn't the only one of them that had done it; Noble had admitted to there being a girl. If he was asking why Macnair... did he really want to know? If he'd already read through all the letters, surely the last thing he needed was more details. And why would it have mattered, anyway, when it was already over now?

He sighed. "Because he was everything I wanted to be, I guess. He was confident and always seemed like he had everything under control, and when he looked at me he — he knew what he wanted. I did it because he wanted me," Ford admitted. His cheeks flushed again, but now that he'd begun part of him wanted to just continue and get through it all, so that he never needed to say any of this again. "And I wanted someone to love me."

Ford looked at the fire for another second, before he'd accumulated too much restless energy to sit still any longer and instead propelled himself up out of the chair and towards the sideboard. The drink he poured himself was heavier than his usual. "We had rules," he continued, once he'd finished making the drink and had turned back in Noble's general direction. He still wasn't looking at him directly. "We were careful. So that no one would find out." He took a drink, then let out a short, mirthless laugh. "Guess I got sloppy, though, a year later."

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