He heaved a sigh at the very thought of him being meant to be happy; Gus loved Sophia with all his heart but he knew he’d never be able to make her understand he wasn’t. If he was, he would have been born normal and happily married with a few children of his own to love day in and day out instead of pining after someone who picked him up like a doll when he was bored and cast him away when someone more exciting caught his attention. (Or really, cast away when his family scoffed that a male was playing with a doll to begin with. How fitting.)

Taking her hand, Gus couldn’t help but squeeze it; his anchor to a world that he was drowning in, and the day she decided to let go was the day he drowned. Sophia would move one day, that much he realized with a dulled flare, probably back to Russia or to another country where she was appreciated more than she was in England. He wondered how odd it would be to follow her when that time came because recently he’d needed her like he needed air to breathe – where he’d be without her with everything going on with Basil was a thought he didn’t want to linger on.

He pursed his lips together as he glanced down at the bar table, taking his hand from within hers in favor of strumming them against his own leg. Condensation soaked the tabletop near the bottom of his drink and he found it much more interesting to watch than hearing the hurtful words his dear friend was saying. How could she be proud of them when he’d ruined the one chance he may have had? Gus didn’t care if people hurt him, because she was right in the fact that he never did stop to consider it; he was used to it, but then again he’d made a habit of surrounding himself with people who he considered kind in a cruel world. Those people wouldn’t harm him, not intentionally at least. Gus didn't reply to it, instead he only managed to hum.

Blue eyes flickered to Sophia and Gus nodded. “You were so angry. How could I ever forget?” He remembered her sneaking out to practice ballet anyway, and sometime in there Jacob’s name became more and more frequent in their letters until he could only assume that Sophia was in love with him despite their differences. His own lips curled into a frown as she spoke about him. Gus had always liked Jacob, finding that he was the ying to Sophia’s yang, the calm to the storm that was Sophia Voss. When she’d married him a part of her had finally come to life, like her soul had been waiting to live just for him. They had been the embodiment of happiness, and every time she spoke of Jacob, Gus’ heart broke for her. She’d lost a part of herself that she wouldn’t ever be able to get back.

“But it’s never going to be me, Soph.” Gus did get it; Sophia had chosen Jacob over her family but Basil would never be able to do that. He wouldn’t regret it either. Hell, the man was content with his life as it was and it would always be Gus bleeding from his heart for someone he couldn’t ever have. “I don’t know… I don’t know how to even move on. I just want to wait for him even if he’ll never come for me. I’ll die there, but that’s okay, isn’t it?” Gus grit his teeth together. “How do you do it? Go on without Jacob? I mean, I know I’ve always lived without Basil… but this feels final. And I know this isn’t even a fraction of the pain you’ve felt losing him. I just,I don’t know who I am if I’m not waiting around for him.” The thought was almost laughable, and he managed an almost hysterical one as he shook his head. He'd be unhappy, that much was certain. He wasn’t sure he wanted to heal – feeling the heartache would remind him that he never wanted to fall in love again.

(Though he was him – Gus fell in love much too quickly and much too deeply. It was going to kill him in the end.)

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