The earth under his feet reassured him, if only a little. Anchored him in this exact moment, in the flood of strange relief that moved through him as Vince agreed to join and walk together (a tiny part of him, still, worried the other wanted to flee). They ambled down the waterway, Cass kicking over rocks or letting his toes graze into frigid water. There was no aim here but there was also something to do, things to look at, idle commentary to make, which he hoped might help clear their minds somehow.
“It is,” he agreed, hands still shoved deep into his pockets while he watched the Slytherin bend down to inspect something. “But it’s stupid sentimentality. It won’t stay like this for much longer, people would rather see it developed into a proper promenade. I keep visiting but I should move on and forget about it before I come back one schoolbreak to find everything’s changed.” If there were any parallels between his feelings about this spot and about Vince, he didn’t make the connection on purpose. Cass more or less felt like everything he enjoyed about how the ‘way things were’ now slipped away from him, like sand through fingers. He wanted to grasp on to pieces of his childhood for a little longer, but now he learned. The more he tried to hold on to what things were, the more damage he’d inflict on what things now are.
He smiled a bit to himself then, because Vince decided to wash up and pocket the rock he found. Cass had amassed his own little collection from here over the years, and this made something else they could share at least. Proof this place ever existed. It’s not as though he shared this place with anyone else. The breeze picked up in that moment, moving Vincent’s strawberry blonde curls over his face and putting every hair on Cass’s arms and neck on end. Not from the cool wind. From the impulse to stroke that hair away from his eyes, not at all different from the way Vince first touched him yesterday. The thought constricted Cassian’s lungs.
“You should know our… agreement, is not just about you, what you should or shouldn’t do,” he released his breath in a mutter, and kept his gaze firm on the river. Of course their conversation wasn’t settled. It probably never would be. In any case, he fought hard against the idea of calling their terms something like ‘rules’. A wet, warm feeling against his right palm suggested where nails finally broke through skin from balled up fists, but Cass’s mind wasn’t on that now.
“This agreement is just as much for me. Because I have no idea how you did it, Vince,” fear and worry turned his voice to a whisper, and while he turned his head back towards his friend, his gaze rooted firmly on his feet. Vince said he loved him. For how long, he didn’t know, but tolerating any length of time alone with this knowledge felt untenable. As untenable as whatever drove Cass’s insomnia tonight, whatever built up his inarticulable rage in the study, whatever fueled his fear to be left behind. Maybe it was the fresh air and distance from his home that did it. Or the sound of Vince’s desperation. It clicked the pieces into place, reset his head around who he is, beyond the duties he’s meant to fulfill.
“I don’t know how you endured a single moment feeling the way you did. Not when just one look at you now makes it so that I have to fight every urge - every fiber of my being - to not just kiss you.”
“It is,” he agreed, hands still shoved deep into his pockets while he watched the Slytherin bend down to inspect something. “But it’s stupid sentimentality. It won’t stay like this for much longer, people would rather see it developed into a proper promenade. I keep visiting but I should move on and forget about it before I come back one schoolbreak to find everything’s changed.” If there were any parallels between his feelings about this spot and about Vince, he didn’t make the connection on purpose. Cass more or less felt like everything he enjoyed about how the ‘way things were’ now slipped away from him, like sand through fingers. He wanted to grasp on to pieces of his childhood for a little longer, but now he learned. The more he tried to hold on to what things were, the more damage he’d inflict on what things now are.
He smiled a bit to himself then, because Vince decided to wash up and pocket the rock he found. Cass had amassed his own little collection from here over the years, and this made something else they could share at least. Proof this place ever existed. It’s not as though he shared this place with anyone else. The breeze picked up in that moment, moving Vincent’s strawberry blonde curls over his face and putting every hair on Cass’s arms and neck on end. Not from the cool wind. From the impulse to stroke that hair away from his eyes, not at all different from the way Vince first touched him yesterday. The thought constricted Cassian’s lungs.
“You should know our… agreement, is not just about you, what you should or shouldn’t do,” he released his breath in a mutter, and kept his gaze firm on the river. Of course their conversation wasn’t settled. It probably never would be. In any case, he fought hard against the idea of calling their terms something like ‘rules’. A wet, warm feeling against his right palm suggested where nails finally broke through skin from balled up fists, but Cass’s mind wasn’t on that now.
“This agreement is just as much for me. Because I have no idea how you did it, Vince,” fear and worry turned his voice to a whisper, and while he turned his head back towards his friend, his gaze rooted firmly on his feet. Vince said he loved him. For how long, he didn’t know, but tolerating any length of time alone with this knowledge felt untenable. As untenable as whatever drove Cass’s insomnia tonight, whatever built up his inarticulable rage in the study, whatever fueled his fear to be left behind. Maybe it was the fresh air and distance from his home that did it. Or the sound of Vince’s desperation. It clicked the pieces into place, reset his head around who he is, beyond the duties he’s meant to fulfill.
“I don’t know how you endured a single moment feeling the way you did. Not when just one look at you now makes it so that I have to fight every urge - every fiber of my being - to not just kiss you.”
![[Image: BC4TW0z.jpeg]](https://i.imgur.com/BC4TW0z.jpeg)
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