"What?" She asked aghast, stunned by his outburst. Penny hadn't meant anything maliciously, not in the least. In fact, her statement was perhaps one of the earnest ones she had ever spoken to him. "Nemo, I -" she what? How was she even meant to reply to that? Of course he was a gentleman, of course he avoided those situations. He was the most trustworthy and caring person she knew, Penny never once doubted that.

"All I meant was that I trust you," she muttered, looking from him entirely now. "Nothing untoward has ever happened because you're an honorable man. That's all I meant."

  

Nemo ran a frustrated hand through his hair. He didn't know which way was up in this conversation anymore and he recognized it was his own fault, which was why all he could do was mutter, "Great." It didn't seem like a compliment or anything he should be proud of in this moment. He'd landed himself permanently as her friend and it was starting to frustrate the shit out of him. It felt like their friendship was starting to disintegrate too.

If she trusted him, why hadn't she just trusted his judgement in Paris and let him sleep on the couch? The argument was that she'd been drunk and he had known better, but she hadn't let it go. He didn't have the headspace to try and figure this out right now and he didn't want to take it out on her either.

"Alright, fine." He sighed, deflated, defeated. What was he even doing?

---

  

---

Penny's shoulders sagged. Nemo was angry for reasons she didn't truly understand and she was too exhausted to try. All she had hoped to do aboard her rickety lifeboat was apologize to him, and now that she had it had served only to further ruin their friendship. Sighing, Penny toyed with the tail of her braid and quietly wished someone else would arrive so that Nemo would have an excuse to leave.

Never before had she ever wished him to go. The thought tore her heart into tiny pieces.

"Fine," she agreed softly. "I think I can manage tonight if you need to go. I'll write to Cook in the morning so she knows I'm home."

  

Shit, he'd done it now. Nemo couldn't even identify what had set him off, but he was simmering and it felt so wildly out of place, he, for the first time in his life, felt out of place in her presence.

"I'm sorry." He breathed out, running his hand over his face. "I'll go if that's what you want." It left him uneasy, more so than his outburst, to leave her alone right now, but he didn't blame her if she really did want him gone. Something in him had flipped and he needed to somehow manage to flip it back, but he didn't like leaving her alone right now either.

Nemo managed to find the courage to look at her face and felt his stomach drop. "I'm really sorry, I— I didn't mean it. I don't know why I said that." Fuuuuck.

---

  

---

Penny didn't want Nemo to leave, but rather this new version of him formed in their months apart. She felt out of sync from him, like a wrench in their gears. Where she once knew how he would react to anything she had to say, she was now second guessing saying anything at all. If her apology made things worse between them, did that then mean her reaction in Paris was also what caused such a disfunction? Was there something else she was meant to say that would have saved them from this path?

Well, something aside from a foolish unrequited love declaration.

He was looking at her, she could feel it, but she didn't dare turn fully towards him again. She was too confused, too hurt, too tired to have anything of a productive conversation about what he actually meant by his outburst.

"I don't know what you want me to say," she confessed quietly. "In the boat all I could think of was how awful it was not speaking to you and how much I wanted to fix that, but clearly I shouldn't have said anything at all."

  

Nemo pulled a face, not at what she said, but because of the tug at his heartstrings that was growing increasingly hard to ignore. How could he just sit there and pretend that everything was friendship and rainbows when she said things like that? How could she not see what it did to him, how much she meant to him?

"Pen, you don't have any idea how crazy I was going while you were missing," His voice was much quieter, more like himself, but still pained. He'd been a wreck and he hadn't been able to explain to anybody why. He'd paced and drank and was uncharacteristically grumpy; nervous and jumpy for any word on her safe arrival. "I truly think there's nothing you  need to ask forgiveness for. Things have been shit since January and I don't know how to fix it." Maybe that was the underlying source of his frustration. That combined with his realization he would never be more than her friend, it all was coming to a head.

Still, despite his outburst, he would rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. He'd let his frustration get the better of him, but it wouldn't happen again. Tentatively he took a step toward her. "I'm sorry." He reiterated in earnest.

---

  

---

Finally, Penny looked back towards him with a combined expression of confusion and exhaustion. That Nemo had feared for her life wasn't a shocking revelation, as she was confident her reaction would have been quite similar. She would be an inconsolable mess with an inability to function normally. Friends, lovers or enemies, Nemo would always carry a piece of her heart with him.

"Okay, okay." Penny didn't feel as though things were okay, nor did she really agree she hadn't needed to apologize. Somehow or another, Penny had violated him in Paris and this apology was a long time coming. After all, it was her who forced him to sleep in bed with her. "We're fine, Nemo. Things were shit and now we're okay again. It's like anything else that's new, it's just going to take time to adjust to, is all." Perhaps she was coherent enough for a productive conversation after all.

The single step he made was matched by one of her own. "We're okay."

  

Though Penny said things were fine, Nemo didn't feel like things were fine. What did she mean by something new? "Are we though?" He couldn't help but to ask. It was quiet, unaccusatory, if a little flat. If this was some kind of new normal he had to deal with he wasn't sure he could. What pained him the most was that he couldn't even pinpoint what it was that was different. They'd never been at odds like this before, he couldn't even call it an argument, more like they fell out of sync and couldn't get back into their normal rhythm.

Nemo took another hesitant step forward, eyes still on her. "What's new?" He was almost embarrassed to ask, but damn it if he didn't know. What flip had switched and could they flip it back or was it stuck?

---

  

---

Truthfully, Penny didn't believe they were as fine as they were prior to New Year's. Their visits would always be laced with this tense undertone, at least until she managed to bury her feelings for him and newfound curiosities once again. However, after months of not speaking they had no options but to be fine. If awkward tension was what their relationship was to be now Penny could withstand it so long as they remained friends. She would do anything to keep him in her life.

Well, anything but confess to the thoughts she presently had.

He made another step towards her right as her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. To her, it was obvious what was new: her newfound knowledge about anatomy and feelings. That Nemo didn't recognize it wasn't necessarily a strike against him, but it almost felt as though he was leading her towards a confession. Which, obviously, couldn't be true as he had no such feelings for her.

"Well, Paris, I suppose," she tried to explain through her embarrassment. "And I mean ... I didn't understand why people are so critical about men and women being friends — because of intercourse and all. And ... I don't mean I'm worried about us having intercourse ... that would be —" incredible. Penny flushed again and brushed the stray pieces of hair falling from her hair from her face. "So that's what's new, I suppose. Navigating that."

  

Jesus. Nemo groaned inwardly. This was because what? She suddenly realized he was an actual man with all of the included parts? He wasn't sure if he should be embarrassed or flabbergasted.

He settled easily on embarrassed as she continued, his cheeks turning pink once more. "Penny, slow down," Nemo cursed quietly under his breath and ran another hand through his hair. Now he could understand what the new was.

He had plenty of sisters, he also had plenty of brothers; if Zelda didn't already know what sex was, Nemo would eat his hat. To think women made it into their twenties without knowing was unreal to him, but he supposed the normal way. Most ladies were married by now and that's when they learned.

Nemo suddenly felt like they were sitting on the edge of something and he didn't know which way to lean. She "wasn't worried" about them... That she'd even thought about it was both terrifying and intriguing, but it didn't give him a clear direction. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin there friendship yet again after they had tentatively fixed it. "I think, maybe we're putting, have put, too much thought into this. Let's just leave it here; I would never put you into any kind of position that you were uncomfortable with and didn't want to be in." He'd spent many years keeping things under wraps, his feelings for her hidden behind their friendship, he could continue to do so unless she changed her mind.

---

  

---

Although they were arguing the same point, Penny couldn't help the flash of irritation as he promised to never make her uncomfortable. (Or was it disappointment? She wasn't sure.) "I know that," she answered instead, eager to move beyond this conversation. Disappointed or irritated it didn't matter. Nemo would never push their boundaries and Penny refused to risk their friendship again.

So: friends. That's what they were and would always be.

Pushing herself off the wall, Penny walked to where the less expensive bottles of wine were kept and reached for one to open. Alcohol likely wasn't her best idea in this situation — it was what got them here, after all — but she couldn't stand there staring at him for a minute longer without wanting to hug him again. She pulled two glasses out of the cabinet and wordlessly charmed the cork from the bottle. "And neither will I," she promised as she turned to hand him the second glass. "Next time we take a trip somewhere you can take the couch if you don't want to sleep in bed with me again."

  

Nemo let out a short, quick, frustrated groan before he restrained himself. He wouldn't make that mistake again. He felt like they were going in weird concentric circles that came close to touching, but didn't quite make it. It as frustrating and he hated it. The simplicity of life before Paris was gone and if this was what was going to replace it, he wasn't sure he was going to be able to handle it well.

"It's not that I didn't want to," He said before his generally careful filter could catch up with him. His brain was already trying to figure out how to backtrack gently, without making either his feelings known or hurting hers, but realized he didn't have a good way out. He looked at the offered wine glass, but couldn't take it, not after Paris. Instead he looked up at her helplessly. "Pen, I..." What, he what? Fuck if he actually knew enough or had the guts to say it.

---

  

---

There was an obvious disconnect between them and, for a second, Penny almost wished she was back drifting aimlessly in the sea if it meant escaping this conversation. Her only intention — only desire — had been to make things right between them. However, as it stood nothing was right, no. It was as if the universe they once existed within had flipped its magnetic poles and now everything was off.

Penny frowned as she tried to make sense of Nemo's groans and frustrated sentences. Why couldn't he just accept her apology and move on? More importantly, what wasn't he saying? Her brows furrowed. If he had wanted to sleep in the same bed as her, then why was it such an issue in Paris? Why couldn't he have told her that? Or, why couldn't he just be honest now?

A frustrated huff of her own slipped out and Penny abandoned the extended wine glass on the counter behind her. "What is it?" She asked while trying to bite back her rising irritation.

  

Nemo ran both of his hands over his face and into his hair, pulling on the back of his hair for just a minute in frustration. The circles kept getting wider and wider and he didn't know how to get things back to the way they were. It seemed impossible. He couldn't think of what to say that wouldn't damn him or their friendship in just a few words.

"We've been friends for a long time," He said finally, the words just kind of tumbling out quietly. "I assumed you didn't want to, not really." Sure, she'd been the one to invite him into the bed, but she'd been drunk, probably the most drunk he'd ever seen her and he hadn't wanted her to regret something he wasn't entirely sure she would have offered if sober. "I tried to respect the boundary we had in place." The one that now seemed smashed to smithereens. "Because I respect you and I—" Aww fuck she was going to make him say it. "And I love you, but I don't think you feel the same and I'd rather be friends than nothing at all, but then everything went awry and you went on that damn boat and I didn't think you were coming back and now were here and it's still all messed up and I can't lose you like that again."

He knew it sounded ridiculous, like he was a little lost puppy, wounded and sad and scared, but he was beyond caring. Something had to give.

---

  

---

Nemo wasn't telling her anything she hadn't already told him. Respect and friendship had always run hand in hand with them, ever since their very first meeting. Back when everything was simple and made sense. Back when they were first years and —

Nemo's confession came through her racing thoughts loud and clear, but her brain felt as though it was ten steps behind. He loved her and she loved him. And that was the premise of their friendship wasn't it? Friends loved one another, didn't they? Penny loved Elsie, too, though perhaps not as intensely as she loved Nemo. But would did he mean by friends or nothing at all? Was those the only two options? Penny gripped the counter behind her as her knees wobbled beneath her.

Friends or nothing at all or ... ? They couldn't court, could they? Nemo was too young to do any of it formally, and Penny was nearly a spinster. Not that she had ever held any intentions of marrying — not really anyway. Merlin, what was she supposed to say? Her mouth opened and closed as her thoughts struggled to make sense of any of this. Merlin, he loved her. He loved her, and —

Before she could formulate a reply, Penny fainted, her body collapsing into a heap.

  

Nemo watched her carefully, waiting, anticipating some kind of response.

Only he didn't quite get one he could work with.

She leaned back and he instinctively stepped forward, but she collapsed and he just barely had time to keep her from hitting her head on anything. "Shit," He mumbled to himself, though the worry ran through him like ice. "Penny?" He scooped her up easily, looking around for somewhere more comfortable for her to lie down. He hadn't really been too far beyond the kitchen, but he supposed that the sitting room was not too far.

Cradling her gently, he pushed out of the kitchen and was pleased to find the hallway leading to well, somewhere else. Nemo ducked into a room or two before he found one with a couch and set her down gently. "I really did it this time," He muttered to himself, unsure as to whether or not to call someone else or not. "Penny?" He tried again as he sat down on the floor next to the couch and brushed some of her hair from her face.

---

  

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