19 December, 1894

My darling,

You think that this is failure. You think this is the worst outcome. I understand you.

I do care for you, but over time I have begun to suspect something that was violently confirmed for me last night: that the ways in which I care for you have never registered for you. You have expectations of me which I am incapable of fulfilling, not from want of effort but because the things that you desire run contrary to so much of who I am as a person. You are a consuming fire; you want to take in and transform people. You thrive on energy, on raw emotion, on passion. I am an oak tree: slow to trust, patient in love, constant in character. A fire and an oak cannot coexist without the oak losing itself entirely. This is an undeniable truth. Is it the fault of the fire or the oak that they cannot live together in harmony?

I loved you enough to do things that were unwise. We should never have married, but I loved you enough to do it when you said you needed my protection. You can have it still, if you still desire it. If you would rather a clean break and a fresh slate, I'm also amenable to that. We could pursue a divorce expeditiously and you could have whatever sum you desire to fund your life, either here or abroad.

What I cannot do is continue to try patching things up, trying to rekindle the flame from that first summer. Too much has happened and the attempts are too painful. I wish it could have gone differently, but there's no use in speculation. Too many what-ifs, and none of them change the underlying nature of the thing.

You can stay in the house as long as you need. I intend to remain out until you leave. Once you do, please do not return without an invitation.

yours, still, in spite of everything,
Emrys

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Lou made this! <3

19 December 1894

My Dearest Heart,

There is no word deep enough for my failure because there can be no other truth between us: I have failed. I have failed us both. I have failed you for years.

But what have I asked for but the truth? What have I wanted but you? You have starved my fire, my love, and stripped me of the one thing in this life that has eluded me. There are sins in my past that cannot be undone; perhaps this is my punishment. I am meant to live my life at the perimeter of your light, near enough to know what I have lost but now forever out of reach.

I cannot walk this earth as anything but your wife, I have no wish to live a day as anything else. If I must live my life with nothing but your name, it will be enough. I have no choice. Because I feel it in what remains of my heart, I will be doomed to live. Live and long for you.

I won't remain in your home, it is yours and you've made it clear that my presence is unwelcome. I cannot blame you. I am unwelcome to myself at present. I pray that someday you may think better of me and remember the woman I was: one who loved not wisely, but too well.

Yours, broken, but yours,
Angelica

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   Emrys Selwyn

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MJ made this miracle!