January 9th, 1890 — Rigel Hall, Cumbria

At least she could cross off being a slow suffering, bedridden invalid of disturbing pallor from her bucket list. To her own surprise she hadn't died yet but she also couldn't ever remember being so ill in the entirety of her life. She felt so bad at this point she half wished she'd hurry up and die already.

Ursula had been awake for ten minutes or so, although she'd given no sign of it thus far and she thought it was more like an hour. At last she moved, turning her face to the other side of her pillow so she could feel some coolness against her hot cheek. It wasn't as cooling as she'd hoped. In doing so, however, she was suddenly looking straight at her sister-in-law. Why can't you save me like you said you would? A couple hot tears dripped onto her pillow as she thought this to herself.

Slowly and with great discomfort, she extended her arm from beneath the bed sheets towards Elladora. "How long?" Her voice was barley a murmur.

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In the days since the child’s birth and Ursula’s subsequent operation – the nature of which Elladora still didn’t care to think about in too much detail – she had read two separate histories of the goblin rebellion cover-to-cover and personally edited several chapters of the manuscript began in 1680 by a long dead uncle about the history of the Black family. In two hundred years there had been only scant entries added and Elladora was determined to bring it up to date: they all deserved to be remembered one way or another. Perhaps their bodies were doomed in this life but at least their memories could be immortal in the next.

Ursula’s slow movements caught her eye just as she was scratching out a poorly written description of great, great uncle Aldo’s penchant for younger women that upon reflection did not need to be recorded for posterity. She set aside her writing board and met Ursula’s hand halfway.

“Since you were last awake? About five hours or so. Here,” she took the glass of water from Ursula’s bedside and lifted it to her lips. “Slowly.”

  

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Drinking hadn't really been what she was after but it would have taken more energy to refuse it than to just let Elladora pour water down her throat. "How long do I have?" Would Elladora even tell her the truth if it the answer was a matter of hours? Even though she'd been preparing herself for death for months she still felt as though she hadn't had enough time. It had all started so suddenly. She might have had time to write a dozen letters in preparation but she hadn't time to process that what she'd been afraid of for so long was now happening. This was it. Her nightmare had always ended just after Cygnus was born but she still felt trapped inside her own nightmare.

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She had of course known what Ursula was actually asking but Elladora had been determined to avoid answering as long as possible. Merlin knows she didn’t want to be the one to have to tell her sister-in-law that the healers had been vague at best – Ella couldn’t be sure but she had the notion that they thought her a weak, feeble member of her sex and had glossed over the reality for her and opted instead to send Phineas a letter with more information.

But her brother would have written to her surely? He certainly didn’t think her weak and feeble and she couldn’t imagine him sparing her feelings. Besides, Ursula was alive and if Elladora had anything to do with it she would regain her health yet. If not her womb.

“It seems I haven’t gotten rid of you just yet. The healers are clearly more effectively that I imagined.”

  

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That wasn't an answer, that was the second time she'd dodged the question which didn't bode well. Not at all. It must be bad. It must be soon. There wasn't much time. "The letters, have you sent the letters?" She'd never gotten around to writing one for Phineas but she'd managed to say it all by now anyway, and then there was Elladora's... It was imperative that her letters be sent in good time, she needed to know that her final messages had been conveyed for peace of mind. One in particular was troubling her, he probably wouldn't write back to a corpse not to mention it would simply be unsafe, nor could she expect him to visit, but she still held out a sliver of hope that maybe he'd communicate with her one way or another before she passed. Unless he despised her. She'd probably never know now, even if Ella had sent them days ago.

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“I have,” Ella replied stiffly, her desire to ask questions of her own clawing its way to the surface. Rufina Mulciber was expected, as was Sirius given that the other children were far too young to grasp what was happening, but the other recipient had turned her blood cold. Had it really been him all these years? The short, scrawny fellow with the mad mother?

Ella had not read the letter, instead she had sent it as promised, all the while desperately trying to imagine other reasons why Ursula might write to Thom Pettigrew when she believed her life would soon be over.

“There wasn’t one for me,” she said instead, petulant despite herself. Admittedly their relations had not always been perfect but recently she had thought things were different – before Christmas things had become different. Defining her feelings for Ursula was utterly impossible but they did exist and they were certainly wounded by the omission.

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   Rufina Mulciber, Ursula Black

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Ursula sighed heavily as relief washed over her. It was done, they were sent. Had there been a little more time she might have written letters for Arcturus and Belvina to read when they were older.

The corners of her mouth twitched upwards a little for a few moments. "Check the middle drawer of my writing desk, it should be there." It wasn't finished but neither was she, not quite yet. It then occurred to her now that she was thinking about her desk, that she'd been incredibly foolish by not burning her correspondence with Thom. Granted it was in a magically locked drawer but her things would be sifted through eventually and someone was bound to break into it at some point. She might be relatively unharmed by such a discovery once she was dead but Belvina wasn't safe.

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“Of course I shouldn’t indulge you in this melodrama,” Ella quipped as she got to her feet and utterly failed to resist the lure of the drawer in question. She unfolded the letter and folded it immediately, placing it carefully in her pocket for later reading – if Ursula was giving her last words then she might be best to wait until she was alone to read them. She doubted there was anything especially ground-breaking in there but still, it felt as though it ought to be a private moment. Besides which she didn’t know how much longer her sister-in-law would be conscious and she needed all the time she could get to convince herself that life was still possible.

“The healers say there will never be another child,” retaking her seat Ella reached over to wrap her fingers around Ursula’s. “So perhaps all of this has been a blessing in disguise.”

  

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From where Ursula lay it seemed that Elladora was firmly in denial, if her situation weren't so dire surely she would have told her that she was going to pull through? "How can this be a blessing?" If she did live then she would certainly be pleased that she never had to worry about conceiving again, but that seemed so out of reach it couldn't raise her spirits. She wouldn't live to enjoy that peace of mind. Phineas would obviously never touch her again now that he had no reason to. "Aren't you going to read the letter?" It wasn't finished but she could perhaps finish it now. "Read it out loud to me."

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Pulling the letter reluctantly from her pocket Elladora’s eyes bore into her sister-in-law and for the first time she wished she would go back to sleep. Or that the servants would need her urgently for something and thus save her from having to deal with the emotions she didn’t especially want to confront just yet.

“I wish you had been able to say that you told me so,” she began, eyebrow raised sharply as she glanced from the letter to Ursula. “Well I absolutely can do that. You’re going to be fine.”

Ella read on, voice catching just slightly as she read aloud Ursula’s admission that she meant something, that whatever had happened in the past, however much antipathy and resistance there had been in the course of the Blacks marriage it had all amounted to something. It was validation she hadn’t expected: Ursula might be an emotional doily at times but neither of them ever seemed to say the right thing at the right time.

“…most certainly did not ask for you-. The feeling is quite mutual, my dear,” she quipped drily, not looking up from her page in the hope that her face might regain it’s usual immobility before she was obliged to look at Ursula again.

“I don't want another woman sleeping in my bed, living in my house, wearing my jewelry, and mothering my children unless it is you,” she smirked to herself. “You realise of course I have done all of these things already? Finally, I feel I need to apologize to you.”

Ella frowned. Turned over the page, even though the epistle finished well short of the bottom of the parchment in her hand, and when she turned it back she finally returned her glassy-eyed gaze to Ursula.

“Apologise for what?”

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   Ursula Black

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While she had made the request of her explicitly because she couldn't remember exactly how far she'd gotten in the letter, she somewhat regretted asking as the entire thing was emotionally uncomfortable to endure. Judging from the look she'd received from Elladora she might not have been alone in that.

Internally she cursed herself for where she'd let herself put down her quill. Of course that's where she had left it, she hadn't wanted to deal with that part at the time either and instead had gotten up to go rummaging through her closets and look where that had gotten her. Now she had accidentally forced herself to face it head on. Apparently it wasn't too late for new regrets.

She didn't respond immediately, instead she lay there thinking about what she would say, her expression somber and vaguely tearful. Finally she found the right words. "I've compromised your integrity in more than one way and while I am grateful to you for your unerring discretion... I shouldn't have let it happen." Ursula took a few steadying breaths before continuing. "I should have been more careful. And I shouldn't have..." Her pallid face pinked almost imperceptibly as she stopped again. When she spoke again her already quiet voice grew quieter still. "Kissed." After a beat she added, "You."

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Elladora quirked an eyebrow. She had hardly covered herself in glory on that particular morning: drenching Ursula in bed just to prove she was still alive before babbling emotionally and finally instigating the kiss Ursula was so sorry for now. There were many things her sister-in-law had gotten wrong in her life but it seemed unnecessarily cruel to let her dwell on the things that were not her fault at all.

Especially when anything Ursula had ever done to her paled in comparison to what she had done to Ursula. A child she would never know lived in the world and Elladora had no intention of changing that anymore – it would only muddy the waters and Merlin, it was hardly as though their relationship was straightforward anyway!

“I do not recall that being entirely your doing,” she replied, reaching to take Ursula’s hand in a bid to draw her gaze, smile tighter than her grasp. “There is no need to apologise. I’m sure in due course we will come to laugh about it as a foolish moment where we were both carried away with nightmares that didn’t come to pass.”

  

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Not usually one to take on undue blame to spare someone else's feelings, Ursula couldn't believe that was what Elladora was doing now, but she was also struggling to accept that she hadn't foisted the gesture upon her entirely. That was certainly the way she'd chosen to remember it anyway. Had Elladora started it? The truth was an uncertain haze in her memory. If her sister-in-law was the chaste old maid that she was supposed to be, then how could she have been capable of it? She couldn't possibly have instigated a first kiss upon the wrong sex - that defied reason! She would be the first one to wonder if it was possible simply because she was deeply alluring and had confused Elladora's virgin brain but even her vanity couldn't reconcile that. This brought her back to the conundrum of what was more likely: Elladora sparing her feelings or Elladora having kissed someone before. She was inclined to ask but the look on the older woman's face made her question the futility of pursuing it.

For now she decided to let it go. There probably wouldn't be another chance to pick it up again but it was more important at present to communicate the last of what she needed to before it was too late. "Regardless, I brought you to dishonesty with Phineas, I burdened you with the knowledge of..." Elladora had caught her one time but she surely hadn't thought that two one-off indiscretions weren't part of a larger pattern of ongoing behavior. "I should have been more careful."

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Elladora tried to cast her mind back to when she had last thought of Phineas first. Once their relationship had been, if not affectionate, then certainly the most secure in her life, but keeping her brother informed of the goings on in his house had taken a definite second place to protecting Ursula – and herself for that matter. It certainly had done no harm to her that as far as Phineas was concerned they were grudging but dedicated companions: there were, after all, only so many times one could visit a friend before it became suspect behaviour.

“None of that now,” Ella replied shortly, wondering if it was worth calling for the healers after all. She did so hate such intimate conversation.

“There are many things I am sure we both regret in our lives but now is not the time to air them.”

She would not, she could not tell Ursula about the child and Elladora was concerned that if emotion got the better of her then that secret would spill out and…and then what? Ursula might die hating her? Or might live to forgive her, which was probably worse as it would mean more secrets being kept from Phineas and potentially ruin the children before they had even chance to make their way in the world. Elladora could forget the boy but she doubted Ursula could be so cavalier about her own flesh and blood.

“Try to sleep. You need your strength.”

  

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"Now seems the only time to air them." Even as she said it she sounded defeated. "I want to be at peace for once, Ella, I don't want to die with regrets. I have so many, if I can get rid of some of them then maybe I'll feel better about it all." Her newfound honesty was certainly cathartic thus far, although she had mixed feelings about the letter she'd written to Thom. She had finally been completely honest with him - or at least honest enough that her conscience was satisfied - but she was struggling to accept the fact that she'd die never knowing how it had been received. She'd never know if he'd remember her fondly or resent her for making him feel obligated to forgive her because she was dead. The only thing she could really do was force herself not to think about him.

"But I am tired..."

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“Then sleep,” Ella encouraged. It was all becoming a little too much for her, not that she would ever admit that to a single soul, but seeing Ursula so weak and limp was not a sight she relished. At least if she was asleep there was an excuse for her lack of mobility.

And in sleep neither of them could do or say anything foolish. It was the coward’s way out, but it would have to do until they could get a better hold on their emotions; stop themselves from airing their regrets until death seemed like a release from it all.

Merlin, she needed some air. She had been in here too long. She…

“I’ll be here when you wake up.” Ella promised, knowing full well she was going nowhere.

  

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