Emrys shifted his weight, arms still crossed. He didn't know how she was reading condescending from either his words or his body language. He wanted out of this conversation, that was all. He wanted out in a way that prevented it from being reopened next week, and the week after, and the week after... because Angelica was tenacious, and indefatiguable in her efforts to unravel him any time she thought she had found a loose string. He had never asked to be known in the way that she tirelessly tried to know him. When he'd set out to marry he had specifically wanted a wife who would allow him his privacy; Angelica had never permitted him that. At least not without resentment. But she had also never made it possible to share anything with her, not after the first confession had soured the air between them like bad milk.

And now she asked whether he could understand that rejection hurt. "Yes," he said, simple and small. He shifted his weight again — took half a step away and leaned on the back foot. "You don't need my permission to experiment."

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Lou made this! <3

"With you. Experiment with you. Merlin, I said it, are you happy? My God." She took a step away from him, warmer in the face than she should be with what she was suggesting. Flustered but determined to prevail, she rounded on him and took her one step back, completely petty. "I want to know what it feels like to be desired again; I want the look in their eyes, but I want it from you. I don't know how I can be more clear."

  

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MJ made this miracle!

Are you happy? Emrys took another shuffling half-step backwards and, with very conscious effort, uncrossed his arms. His gaze had slipped from her to the wall off to her right. He knew what she wanted; she wanted that summer back, the way they'd been before they'd married. He wanted it back, too. But saying that was as good as saying he might like to visit the moon; he had no practical sense of how to make it happen. He had loved her deeply. They'd written each other letters that read like poetry. Every moment they spent together felt electric. But so much had happened since then that had made them inaccessible to each other: his confession, her reaction; the wedding that managed to feel like the worst possible compromise for both of them; making preparations for the baby he'd never especially wanted; the ocean of her grief when the baby never arrived. He knew she was looking for solutions, something to mend the rift between them, but nothing that had happened tonight was going to be up to the task. Which was what he'd already said: sleeping with other people wasn't going to fix them.

"Let's talk about it in a week," he suggested, wearily. "When we've both had time to think through what exactly we want." Half of him was hoping she would spend the week realizing she couldn't actually follow through on this, which would save them a good deal of trouble.

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Lou made this! <3

“That’s just it. I know you won’t talk about it in a week. You’re going to push me off and hope I drop this. You’re then going to act put out when I refuse, absolutely refuse, to let this go. You’re going to find some way to punish me for this and I cannot bear that.”

  

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MJ made this miracle!

"I'm not —" Emrys started, then caught himself and corrected his tone; softer and more measured when he continued. He was meeting her eyes again. "I'm not punishing you, Angelica. I'm protecting you." As soon as the words left his mouth he recognized how they might be construed as condescending, and regretted them — but really that was the root of things, because he had far more experience in this area than she did and she didn't know what she was getting herself into when she said she wanted to experiment. That, and she had shown a propensity in the past to venture out into uncertain territory, things that made her uncomfortable, for the sake of meeting the standard she assumed he wanted — a recipe for disaster, when it came to this sort of thing. He didn't think she really had it in her to take someone else to bed, knowing that he was simultaneously doing the same — he thought it would break her heart. Worse, he thought she would knowingly break it if she thought that would win back what they'd lost. He couldn't stomach the idea of getting any portion of his youthful lifestyle back at her expense, though — something she continually failed to account for.

"If you decide to go through with this, I'll serve a partner up to you on a silver plate." He ran his tongue over the point of one tooth. "But I want to be sure it's really what you want first. Because it's difficult to go back — and it's very easy for things to get — messy." Emrys hesitated, then added quietly, "The last thing I want is to be left picking up the pieces after — well."

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Lou made this! <3

“Then protect me, Emrys. Try.” This was the easiest answer in the world. The only thing Angelica couldn’t puzzle out was his insistence on ignoring the obvious. All he had to do was try. She didn’t expect them to wake up blissfully happy and free of troubles tomorrow. She expected him to remember he was a man and stop running from anything that took effort. He’d only managed to disappoint her.

Her stomach did a turn she did not appreciate as she wrestled with her moral considerations. There was a mess of tangles mixed up in her thoughts on the whole subject. ‘Surreal’ was the best word she had, but ‘ludicrous’ was coming in a close second. She didn’t have words for what, how, and why this bothered her, but only in parts. She didn’t know how to explain to him that she was very interested in the idea, with caveats. She also wasn’t an idiot. She needed so many things from him, but an explanation that sex complicates things wasn’t on the list. They were living proof of that. She needed information and reassurance, which he seemed (intentionally) incapable of providing her. She chose not to remind him that picking up the pieces would take effort, but he would know that, if he’d ever tried in the past.

“If we go through with this,” She corrected, “I need you, Emrys, for whatever I decide. You can’t,” She caught herself, knowing better than to tell him all the things she decided he could or couldn’t do. As she was bitterly reminded every night he kept a house between them, she had no power here. “I ask that you help me understand.” She bit her lip, the thought she needed to form felt foreign and confused. It had seemed like a pointless tactic when he said it, but Angelica was pulled back again to a statement he made the night everything truly seemed to go off the rails. How was that three years ago? She weighed the words of their past with her experience tonight, piecing together clues from the fragments. She wasn’t sure what to make of what she found. She also knew she had one shot at asking her question before he found some way to take shut down to a new level. “The man you love, was he there tonight?” She didn’t bother asking if she was correct.

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The following 3 users Like Angelica Selwyn's post:3 users Like Angelica Selwyn's post
   Arthur Pettigrew, Emrys Selwyn, Rosalie Hunniford

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MJ made this miracle!

She was still talking about this like it was going to be some fun couples bonding activity, much to his frustration. Doing anything new in the bedroom was a pursuit for people with healthy relationships, not people trying to patch theirs back together. But he had gathered that nothing he could say to that effect was going to persuade her; she had already decided it was the only thing for them, and now she would be determined to follow it through, and he would be left with the damage control at the end. He was frowning but resigned as she spoke — up until her last question, which surprised him in the same way a punch to the gut did.

He took another step backwards. Retreating in his own home. "It's not —" he started, defensive, then stopped himself. He didn't want to admit to too much accidentally. He didn't want to admit to anything; he'd never told her about this. He knew exactly who she meant, of course, even if she didn't. She wouldn't have known, he didn't think. He was discreet in general; he had been especially careful about this, knowing it could hurt her.

But was it worth trying to deny it? She would be convinced of whatever she thought no matter what he said; time had proved that over and over again. She trusted her own mind far more than she trusted anything he said or did, and always had; he couldn't compete with her assumptions.

He crossed his arms again. Sighed. "No," he muttered, quiet but with something intense and angry underlying his tone.

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The following 3 users Like Emrys Selwyn's post:3 users Like Emrys Selwyn's post
   Angelica Selwyn, Arthur Pettigrew, Rosalie Hunniford

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Lou made this! <3

Angelica expected a reaction, but this was one of the rare occasions when she wasn’t certain she knew what it would be. This was most interesting. She couldn’t stop the hurt in her face at his retreat, but based on the myriad of things she could see him processing, she almost felt like she deserved it. It also felt vindictively good to see him caught off guard. At least she fought the urge to ask how he was enjoying it. It did him good to remember he wasn’t untouchable, she thought. He was so very human.

She let him process her question, and his answer was satisfying. The yes or no wasn’t as important as getting him to answer. She would reward this; honesty was progress. “I apologize for not believing you when you told me.” Unfortunately, her doubt wasn’t an isolated incident. She also wasn’t sorry for the ability to know when she was being toyed with. It was moments like this she understood Emrys’ spotty rationale for wanting to marry someone simple. The man hadn’t said a word she hadn’t overanalyzed in three years. “I won’t make any decisions today, I promise.” She offered the nearest thing to an olive branch she could find.

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MJ made this miracle!

Emrys had been buckling down to defend against a seige effort; it caught him off guard when she didn't pepper him with questions. He regarded her, at first warily and then with growing incredulity when he realized she wasn't going to ask anything further. Because she didn't want to know anything about it, he realized — the point had been to force a confession out of him, to corner him just to prove she could.

Her apology was sour in his ears. He assumed it was as calculated as the question had been; designed to sting more than salve. Reminding him of the last time he'd been truly vulnerable with her, which she was still using against him now. He clenched his jaw. By the time she started making promises, his eyes were openly hostile. "Fine."

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Lou made this! <3

Angelica’s eyes narrowed as she watched him heat, watched him get visibly angry. Her amusement at his reactions had ended. She thought she had done a kind thing, tried to show him that she could accept all of him, and he was getting angry.

“I’m confused. You said not to make a decision tonight. I agreed. I didn’t ask you the questions I have, I apologize, and you’re angry.”

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MJ made this miracle!

His shoulders stayed tense; his mouth remained firmly set. "Yes."

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Lou made this! <3

“Then talk, please. Say out loud what you seem to think I can read from you. I’m tired of trying to make some progress and you shut me down at every turn. Explain to me what I’ve done wrong. Make this make sense to me, even part of this.”

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MJ made this miracle!

Trying to make some progress. Wresting his secrets out of him by force was supposed to represent progress? Angelica wanted intimacy; emotional as well as physical. He knew that — but inserting herself into his confidences wasn't an equivalent. She may have felt she understood him better for it, but in terms of his trust she'd taken several steps backwards. She hadn't earned anything tonight. Arthur was his; she had no right to know about him. No right to ask whether he'd been at the party tonight. No right to refer to him as the man you love.

"If you want me to shout and rail," he said, tone still low and tense, "throw things, break things — I won't. But yes, I am angry. I am angry that every time I've said no tonight, you've ignored me. And now I want to go to bed."

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Lou made this! <3

“I want you to act like you have a heart instead of just playing with mine.” She snapped, meaning it, but also hearing every line in his body telling her to walk away. Her instinct was to push, to demand he stand up and fight, but she also feared something in his tone. She couldn’t fight this, not when he phrased the evening like that.

Forcing herself not to scream, not to shout, she grit out, “Fine, for tonight. I still want a bloody explanation.” Not waiting for his further dismissal, she headed for the fireplace, a tiger with its tail snapping.

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MJ made this miracle!