Ben hesitated at her question. It wasn't that he didn't know the answer — he'd spent a long time thinking about this, particularly since her first letter in January. Rather, he wasn't sure how much he ought to tell her. He didn't think he'd shared the full story, that seeing his best friend deal with a miscarriage had made him unexpectedly regret the decision he and Melody had made about their own pregnancy that spring, with anyone. Melody probably knew how he felt, at least vaguely, but they hadn't talked about it. He'd never unpacked it all with Art, and probably never would. The fact that he could have had a baby the previous fall, and had decided not to, seemed disrespectful to what Art and Desdemona had gone through, even if at the time he hadn't thought he would ever want a child. To be honest, his residual guilt about agreeing to get rid of the first pregnancy might have been part of the reason he was clinging so hard to the idea of fixing things with Melody, now. As if he could make up for his previous poor choices by doubling down and being twice the parent he would have been otherwise.

"No, I didn't," he admitted. That much was probably something anyone could guess, based on the rakish reputation he'd had before marrying Melody. "I didn't figure it out until after I was married," he continued, which was vague enough to be true but not too true.

"What about you?" he asked. It was just making conversation; before he'd asked it, he'd expected a tame answer because he could not imagine anyone not wanting Elliott, who was still cuddled in his lap with his book about the train. After he asked, though, he realized it might have been a lot more complicated. She'd been pregnant out of wedlock, after all, which wasn't the ideal situation even for someone who adored children, and she'd just admitted that it didn't come as naturally to her.

I'm glad you kept him, Ben thought, but stopped himself from saying. That was too taboo for casual conversation, and if there had been a time when she had considered not keeping him, Ben didn't really want to know that about her. He snaked his arm around Elliott's chest and hugged him.

  

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MJ made this <3

Elliott dropped the book and squirmed in Ben arms, trying to find the most comfortable position. He ended up with his back rested against Ben's arm, facing Dionisia. His little hand took a fistful of Ben's shirt and began tugging on it, his head nestled against Ben's bicep. Dionisia reached out and took her son's hand, flashing a smile at him. Perhaps it was for the best then, that she hadn't contacted Ben before now. Who's to say he would have been interested in a relationship with Elliott then? Who's to say he'd have been interested now if he had the past experience of being told he had a son before he was ready? No, now had been the right time—that was clear enough.

"I didn't think I ever would have children. It wasn't a matter of whether I wanted them or not," she admitted, her gaze moving back to meet Ben's. "I... lost my family when I was young." That was a good way to put it; there was no need to weigh his down with the knowledge of her unhappy Hogwarts years. "And once I left Hogwarts, I had this idea in my head that I would never get married or have a family. I didn't think I'd ever have the time for it," she said, chuckling under her breath. She didn't mention that she'd been vehemently against the idea of children when first leaving Hogwarts. She clearly remembered thinking she could never bring a child into the cold, cruel world; after a childhood spent in comfort she could not imagine raising a baby in poverty. Obviously that was not a concern she had now that she was Ari's wife; he was not only stable, but he had a good job. She was comfortable, and her son was well-fed and cared for.

"Being a mother is a different experience entirely than imagining the experience, though. I think I underestimated what it would be like." She scooted just a little closer and moved to her knees so she could watch Elliott as he grew sleepier in Ben's arms. He'd always been that sort of child: the kind that loved to be touched, loved to give hugs. He'd been a fussy child, always demanding to be held, but most of the work had been thrown on a nurse; now that he was a little older she liked to put him asleep herself, and she'd realized how quickly he fell asleep when he was simply being held. "It changes you as a person—and I don't think it was a bad thing for me."

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It was hard to focus on her story, entirely, because he was distracted by Elliott. First the fidgeting, then the settling in, then the slow batting of his eyelashes, and the way he rubbed one hand at his eye.

It changes you as a person. Ben wasn't sure what to make of that. The fact of fathering a child hadn't changed him, that was certain; he had still been just as immature the past two years, oblivious to Elliott's existence. Maybe she meant taking on the daily responsibility for a child changed a person, or maybe she meant this fierce protective feeling that had risen up in his chest ever since he'd known this kid's name. Maybe she didn't mean any of that — maybe this was just something about motherhood, and Ben didn't have any part in it. Was he changed, as a person? He wasn't sure. He'd like to think he was a better person now than he had been six months ago, or at least that he had the potential to be a better person now, but he wasn't sure whether or not that had anything to do with Elliott.

"I'm glad you let me meet him," he said eventually.

  

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MJ made this <3

Elliott drifted off to sleep, as was the way it usually was when Dionisia or Ari held him. It was encouraging that he was so comfortable around Ben—or maybe as a mother she ought to be worried that her son was so comfortable with complete strangers. She swiftly pushed those thoughts from her head, as they didn't matter now; stranger as he seemed, Ben was the next closest blood relative Elliott had to herself. Perhaps he even sensed it.

"I'm glad you decided to meet him," she returned, reaching down and gently squeezing Ben's arm just below his elbow. She moved from her knees into a sitting position, her legs folded to the side and her hands folded in her lap.

"Do you wish to see him again soon, or shall I plan to send letters until the opportunity strikes again?" she asked, because she knew very little of Ben's family life and did not want to be presumptuous. He's said that he wanted every opportunity she'd allow him, but in her mind that was anytime Ari was not home.

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Ben had found himself once again distracted by Elliott. He'd been charmed by him before, but kids were different when they were sleeping, and now that he'd stopped moving and fidgeting and closed his eyes, Ben felt like he was having a chance to see a whole other side of the boy. The touch on his arm startled him a bit, as did her question.

"Oh," he said, unsure how to respond. "I —" He did want to see him again, of course. He didn't even really want to leave yet, because it seemed like he'd only just gotten here, but it did seem like the logical end to the visit. What was he supposed to do, if Elliott was sleeping? Just sit here on the floor holding him, and talking with his mother? It wasn't as though she'd invited him here for her own sake; she probably didn't have much she wished to say. So he ought to go, and — and was it wise to come back again soon, or not? This was the snowball effect that he'd been worried about when he brought it up to Art, when he'd essentially been asking permission to come today without telling Melody first. It was one thing to have come once, without telling her — it would be harder to tell her next week, if he'd come twice, or next month, if he'd already had half a dozen visits by then. Harder to justify not having mentioned it earlier, and harder to make excuses.

He didn't know what to think, either, of Mrs. Fisk's earlier response regarding her husband. This is none of his concern. He had expected that she might have told her husband something, because she had apparently told him all about the pregnancy before they'd even been married, which seemed like a higher stakes situation. More to risk, less to gain by being honest. Should Ben just follow her lead, and keep this a secret? It didn't sit right with him — but he certainly couldn't imagine telling Melody about it right now.

"Can I — uhm, can I think about it for a few days?" he asked. "It's not that I don't want to. I do. It's just — I don't know. I just need to think about some things."

  

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MJ made this <3

He needed space. She understood it well enough, and she certainly wouldn't blame him; however, disappointment began to well in her chest nevertheless, and she hoped that nothing she had done or said had convinced him not to see Elliott. She moved back to her knees and held her arms out for Ben to pass the sleeping toddler. "Take all the time you need," she replied. Though perhaps not all the time he needed. Every day was another that Ari went without knowing about Ben's involvement. Every day was another day that Dionisia had to hide the lies and hide the letters.

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