September 24th, 1893 — St. Mungo's
Reuben Crouch

Melody had curled up in the corner chair and fallen asleep within minutes after giving Ben the day's report. It'd been a difficult day with Nora refusing to cooperate with any of the healing or tests that had been required of her. She had screamed every time a healer approached her — the only sound she had made since waking up — and thrashed about the bed to refuse their touch. It'd gotten so bad in the late afternoon that the healers suggested a mild sedative potion, if only to relax her some.

Melody had never refused something as quickly in her life, for this branch of the Crouch family had never had much luck with potions. They weren't about to test their two year old's luck unnecessarily. No. Nora was allowed to have a difficult day, however exhausting it was to manage.

The candles were burned to short stumps by the time Melody awoke. Hours then, she'd slept for hours and had likely missed Nora's last time being awake for the day. (A small mercy if she'd ever been granted one.)

She shifted in her chair, her muscles stiff from the cramped position she'd forced herself into, before quietly pulling it back up alongside Ben's. "Any changes?" Melody murmured to him, reaching for his hand in the dark on instinct now.

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The noise startled Ben, as he'd been on the verge of drifting off himself. He blinked a few times to bring his eyes back into focus and sat up straighter in the uncomfortable hospital chair. It was a testament to how exhausted they both were that either of them could sleep here, but by now neither of them had any trouble falling asleep. If he had to guess, he'd say Melody could probably have slept standing up at this point; the only thing keeping her awake at any given point was her drive to be present for Nora. He wasn't far behind her.

"You're up," he muttered, rubbing his face with both hands. "I'm surprised you slept through all that. It was — she's having a rough time," he concluded. Honestly Ben had thought Melody was probably exaggerating at least a little bit when she'd told him about the day they'd had, but he'd dealt with all of it the next time Nora woke up. She was totally insensible, which was hard to see. Obviously she wasn't talking still, but today she also didn't seem to be listening, no matter what Ben said. He'd resorted to holding her up tight against his chest, keeping her from flailing too much, until finally she was too exhausted to continue and fell back asleep. And then he'd spent the next forty minutes wondering if holding her had been the right thing to do.

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Melody wasn't at all surprised to hear that Nora had continued on with her difficulties after she had fallen asleep. That she'd able to sleep through it though was a testament to how utterly exhausted Melody was, for she'd never been able to sleep through her daughter's crying before. Even when she had finally caved and allowed for a night nurse she still woke up with the slightest of sounds.

She frowned then as she squeezed his hand, a heavy wave of guilt settling upon her shoulders. It wasn't right of her to force him to deal with the meltdown on his own. "I thought for sure she would wake me up, I'm sorry I slept through it. Are you okay?" Melody had felt the need for some of Ben's whiskey after dealing with the meltdowns all day and, judging by the look on his face, he likely had needed one too.

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Ben shrugged helplessly. "I'm fine," he said, which was perhaps not entirely accurate, but since he thought he was doing better than she was it seemed wrong to complain about it. "Just wish there was something else we could do for her."

Nothing made him feel like a worse parent than this last interlude had. Holding Nora still while she cried and screamed, and nothing he said or did had any impact at all. He had been telling himself that Nora at least knew it was him holding her, even if she had obviously not been hearing him, but he honestly wasn't sure that was even true. It was just something he told himself to make the past forty minutes since she'd fallen asleep more bearable. He had to believe he'd done something useful.

At least Melody had gotten a little sleep, so he'd been helpful there even if he hadn't done anything for Nora. Merlin, if things kept up this way it was going to just kill her.

"I wish we could take her home," he said. Not that home would be any different, but — if this was how things were at the hospital, it couldn't exactly get much worse.

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Although nearly every line in their separation had already been blurred by exhaustion, stress and grief, one remained so deeply embedded that Melody couldn't help but resent it at that moment. For were this last year — when things were good and on their way to being fixed — she would have moved to embrace him somehow, perhaps even would have stood behind his chair and massaged his neck or shoulders if only to give her something to do. But now ... now all Melody could do was squeeze his hand in understanding and sympathy, even if all she wished to do was hug him tightly.

Ben wasn't fine anymore than she was fine, which was not at all. Melody had been careless for asking.

"I know," she agreed with a quiet sigh. At least at home Nora might grow to be comfortable enough to play again. Or, to at least not flinch whenever another stranger came into the room. Melody was beginning to wonder if being in the hospital was doing more harm than good, especially after how terribly Nora had acted today. "I was hoping you might stay with us the first few nights at the cottage when she does get released - if you're wanting to and okay with that I mean." Melody added in her continued soft voice. That there weren't enough beds was something she'd have to adjust, but it wasn't an impossible situation. She'd become accustomed to sleeping in chairs anyway.

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Ben started nodding as she finished the question, trying to think ahead to picture it. It made sense, if he could manage it with the rest of his schedule. They were both sleeping here in the hospital room, sometimes. If Nora ended up discharged from St. Mungo's not because she was better but because they'd simply exhausted the things they thought constant healer attention could do for her, then it wasn't as though anything was going to change in the material sense. Taking catnaps around Nora's schedule and trying to always be there when she was awake made sense.

It took a second for the full implication of the situation to catch up with him. He'd mumbled "Yeah, yeah," and nodded and watched Nora, and then it all hit him at once like a bucket of cold water. He looked down at his hand, still inside Melody's, then up at her face. "Er, um, did you mean — with you, or just... with you?"

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"Oh, uhm." Melody answered, suddenly grateful for the dimly lit room hiding her flushed cheeks. Of course, she would have prefered him to come back with her, of course she would have rather lived like a true married couple as opposed to the separation he'd forced upon them. But, for him to come back meant heavy, intense conversations she wasn't at all emotionally capable of at present. It meant them having to relearn how to exist together in a way they hadn't in nearly a year. Melody knew she wasn't ready for any such work - nor did she believe Ben was ready for it.

But, what if this was the last time the question would be presented? What if she walked away from him now when he was hopeful she might be walking towards him? Melody might've been certain that she wasn't ready for him to come back fully right now, but she wasn't sure if she was willing to discard that future altogether. Siblings for Nora. Family gatherings with spouses and grandchildren.

It was the future that Melody had spent the summer grieving.

"I - I don't know." She answered truthfully, her hesitation clear in both her tone and how she withdrew fully back into her chair.

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Verbally she'd given something of a nonanswer, but her body language seemed clear enough. She'd pulled her hand away from his and shrunk back into the chair. Ben wasn't sure how to feel. When he'd asked the question he'd been anxious about her answer, about the prospect of trying to renew intimacy again, and in that light he supposed he ought to be feeling relieved that she apparently hadn't meant it that way. On the other hand, the way she'd withdrawn seemed so — final, definitive. It made him feel as small as she looked.

He put one elbow on the arm of his chair and leaned his forehead against his palm, staring fretfully towards Nora's bed, though he wasn't really looking at her. He ran his tongue against the inside of his cheek.

He wasn't happy, and here in this moment it was hard to separate how he felt now from how he felt about the situation in general. He had been happy, before the dragons, hadn't he? Or at least moving towards something like it? Getting better? Everything was fucked now — his job disappearing as suddenly as ground falling away beneath his feet, and Nora in this state, and him with little sleep and less consolation — but things had been different before, and he had been happier, and — and he should not feel so desperately lonely at the prospect of having to go to sleep with only himself in the room.

But the other side of the coin was that they were married, and even if they had separately permanently Ben still respected the titles they had. If it wasn't Melody in his arms, it was never going to be anyone. So it did feel desperately lonely, seeing her shrink back like that.

"I think I'm going to go," he said suddenly, not looking at her. "Get some. Coffee. Or something."

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Pulling away from him had been the wrong choice. Melody's stomach dropped as she watched him turn from her towards their daughter and his body tense up as if he was about to flee. Panic welled in her chest as deeply as it had countless times over the last few years when they stood on the edge of separation, its presence both overwhelmingly familiar and incredibly unwelcome simultaneously. She'd said the wrong thing. She was always saying the wrong thing.

And now...now Melody truly didn't know what to say.

On one hand, she could fight him. She could point out that he was the one who had broken up their family - that he hadn't listened and he hadn't fought for them in the end. She could bring up all their old arguments and how nothing ever seemed to hold true, how they'd make promises and each one would ultimately fizzle out. There were hundreds of things either of them could bring up in such a fight that would lead them ... where? Broken still, most likely. Angrier now than before, most certainly. Melody couldn't fight anymore now than she could on that awful night when he'd let her walk out without a word.

And yet, allowing him to leave now felt like the final nail in the coffin. If he left the room it would unravel all their progress towards easy intimacy and the togetherness in which they've worked their way too these past few weeks. Nothing was healed or fixed, but it was comforting in a way she hadn't experienced in what felt like years. Melody couldn't not fight, she couldn't let him go get coffee and rework himself into leaving them all over again.

"It doesn't have to be this complicated. You could just stay with us - with me until things are less overwhelming. I - the cottage is small, so the sleeping arrangements would be whatever you'd prefer." She was trying desperately to think through her words rather than allow them to fall out in a rushed ramble. Ben was already withdrawing into himself, already slamming the lid that had been so carelessly torn open, and Melody was terrified of the devastation - the rejection - he would cause when he slammed it shut again. "We could take turns in the nursery with Nora or I could just stay in there and you could have my room or - " or.

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Ben looked at her out of the corner of his eye as she spoke, trying to read on her expression what she was thinking and knowing even before he'd started that he wouldn't be able to puzzle her out. They'd never really had that kind of understanding. He let her finish, and stayed for a moment just where he was, sat in the chair with his head leaning on one hand.

She had said whatever you want, and it took him a long moment to have the courage to admit: "I don't know what I want."

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"It's not something that needs an answer tonight." Melody replied softly. Ultimately, she'd made the offer for Nora - so the toddler could have more time with her father whilst remaining in a comforting and familiar environment. If Ben chose to remain separated but still stay with them to be closer to her, then Melody wouldn't push the issue further.

"I just - I want you to have more time with her, is all. You can stay, if you want to, when she's discharged. Just ... let me know, I guess?"

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There was a lump in Ben's throat that made it hard to reply right away. He wanted more time with her too, obviously, but he also knew that being with Melody again was something he'd never be able to explain to anyone who knew him. It was indefensible, from the outside... and it was probably a bad idea full stop, but — god, wouldn't it be nice to hold someone again? To not feel so alone in the darkness that settled around the room before he fell asleep?

"Yeah, ah. Yeah. I'll — let you know," he agreed, though he didn't know how he would ever find the courage to actually broach the conversation again once they'd closed it.

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