February 2nd, 1895 - Whitby & Co. Printers

It was finally her day off and Sage had spent the morning with Maggie reading and painting and playing. She was astounded by what her daughter already knew and it made her grateful for the job her adoptive parents had done for the first four years of her life. It was a strange sort of feeling, not wanting to let someone down who had been raising her child, but she felt like she owed Mr. & Mrs. Tully for everything they'd done in her absence.

The new routine of her life was starting to settle. Sage was more used to sleeping in split shifts, her overnights now the norm. It wasn't ideal, but there wasn't much she could do about it until Maggie was a little older and more independent, not to mention more comfortable in her new living situation. Her mistakes were already a huge imposition on her family and friends; she was trying to mitigate the disruption to their lives as much as humanly possible. If she thought she could do it and it wouldn't give her away, she would have tried to find a small flat of her own, but it was impossible on her salary. Not to mention there would be none of that plausible deniability they'd been hoping would work their favor as to who Maggie might belong to if Sage took sole responsibility for her.

In moments of weakness, she thought about reaching out to Locke. He would help, she knew it, no matter how angry he was about the whole thing. She'd seen him do it for his other children, Sage just hated to be a burden for anyone. She also worried that it would upset the balance they'd found here and so she was resolute in the decision, even if she sometimes wondered.

None of that was at the forefront of her mind right now though. Maggie had gone down for a nap and Sage, though she'd enjoyed herself this morning, was ready for a little break. She'd had every intention of maybe lying down herself, she knew the circles under her eyes were deep and noticeable, but nobody had said anything. However after Maggie has finally drifted off, Sage had looked at her desk and seen the letter from the Tullys sitting there. She hadn't been brave enough to read it yet, but enough time had passed that she ought to. There were too many people around today, but she knew Tess was out, so Sage slipped downstairs, intent on using her sister's office to have some privacy, but as soon as she went downstairs she nearly ran right into Declan and the letter fluttered form her hands to the floor. "Sorry," she sighed as she bent to retrieve the fallen parchment.

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Declan Buchanan

  

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Declan didn't care for February. Neither he nor Kenna knew enough magic to keep their house as warm as they'd like, and the snow in the slums was always dirty. He often entered the printshop before the sun rose and left it before it set. Most of the romance books he read were set in the summer, during the Season, so even his escapism was tinged with an element of frustration.

But the printer was running and he had just finished carefully resorting one of the letter trays with letters they'd used from an earlier job. He had a block to carve. It would maybe be a good day. He needed a new knife for carving, and was on his way into Tess' office to fish around for one, when he nearly collided with Sage.

"S'alright," he said, taking a half-step back. He didn't move to pick up her paper, because she was already bent for it — and because papers were often private. "Everything all right up there?"

By everything, he meant Maggie.

  

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set by Bee

"Hmm?" Sage had been lost in her thoughts at his question for a moment before catching up. She clutched the letter tight to her chest, still terrified to read it. "Oh, yes, she's sleeping." She realized what Declan was asking her belatedly. "She's been good for at least an hour-and a-half-nap, lately." Maybe it was all of the upheaval; Sage hadn't spent this much time around a little one in a while, but this had been their routine since she'd joined them and it was good for everybody.

Running one hand over her face and along the braid hanging loosely over her shoulder, Sage stepped back to let Declan pass. "Sorry, didn't mean to be in the way." Sage's usefulness in the printshop only extended to the administrative side. She could handle that easily, but left the more physical and artistic things to Tess and the boys and she didn't want to be a distraction or a bother any more than she already was.

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Declan could have stepped past her fairly easily now that Sage moved, but he stayed where he was. "You're not in the way," Declan said. She could never be in the way — she was his friend, even if she hadn't told him her secrets, and she was also more or less in her own home.

"Are you alright?" Declan asked, from his space near her in the small hallway, in more of an undertone than he'd spoken previously.

  

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set by Bee

Sage smiled weakly at his protest. She was indeed in the way, hindering everyone's lives with her problems and her mistakes. Nobody had complained, but that didn't stop her from recognizing the truth of the situation.

His question was a dangerous one, with an uncertain answer. Sage wasn't sure she was prepared to unload on anyone, least of all Declan. She still felt guilty about not telling him about Maggie in the first place. He'd had this shoved upon him unceremoniously and was being a real trooper about it. Maybe that was her main hesitation, so— "Yeah, I'm fine, just tired." Which she was. Working nights and surviving on broken sleep patterns so she didn't disrupt everyone else's lives any more than necessary was starting to catch up to her. She fiddled with the letter in her hands, still unsure as to whether or not she was ready to read it, but now was as good of a time as any.

"I'll ah, let you get back to work." She added quietly.

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Declan watched her, the way her smile was off around the edges, the way she fidgeted with the envelope in her hands. He should go back to work. "Sage," he said quietly, instead, "Don't lie to me."

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   Sage Whitby

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set by Bee

The visceral guilt the welled up in her chest overwhelmed her to the point that she felt like she was suffocating. Her shoulders fell along with her expression, resolve crumbling against any sort of protests she'd been about to spit out. She'd already lied to him once, a huge, life-changing situation that had been unavoidable at the time. She'd thought she'd solved it, but the past had caught up with her and there was truly no escaping in now.

"I, I—" she whispered, afraid to trust her voice, unsure of what she could possibly say. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." It was all she had, folding into herself as she pressed her hands to her eyes to cover up the tears that had started to fall.

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Declan hadn't wanted to make her cry, and guilt immediately surged in his gut — Declan took a step closer and rested a hand on Sage's elbow. It was a tentative touch, because he did not want to make her more upset than he already had. "I'm sorry," Declan said quietly, "Sage, it's alright."

  

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set by Bee

"It's not alright," she managed miserably through the tears. "I ruined everything, I turned everyone's lives upside down, I lied, I was selfish." It all came spilling out now, all of the anxiety and the guilt, pouring out in a steady stream of self-abuse. "I tried to fix it. I did." Giving Maggie up had been the hardest thing she had ever done up until now. Maggie deserved better than this; her sisters deserved not to have to deal with this; Declan shouldn't be apologizing for nothing at all.

"She was better off," she sniffled. "Everyone was better off." That was all that mattered. She had been the one to mess up. She didn't deserve to have all of this support or patience. "But it didn't last and everything is messed up again and it's all my fault." Add in working nights, not really sleeping, trying to mother a child she couldn't publicly call her own and minimize the disruption to everyone else's lives was stressing her out. She was trying to do it all and she was failing. Now this was the hardest thing she'd ever done.

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She was crying and she was talking, a lot, falling on her sword and blaming herself for everything — Declan ignored his worries and wrapped his arms around Sage in a tight hug. "Shh," Declan said. She might be annoyed at him for shushing her but Merlin, he really needed her to stop talking, or she would just cry harder. At least if she was annoyed with him she might cry less.

"You're talking like you killed someone, Sage," Declan said, "No one needs you to suffer all the time just for their sake."

  

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set by Bee

The hug was unexpected, but Sage crumbled, the exhaustion making everything that much harder. She couldn't handle her emotions when she was barely upright. Killing someone would have been easier, she thought bitterly. Unless her victim had managed to become a ghost, which would be her luck. At least murder was more permanent than giving up a baby she had no right having in the first place. That had not been nearly as permanent as she had once imagined.

"She's my responsibility," Sage argued through a rattling sigh. She had to get ahold of herself. Declan didn't need this, he had work he should probably be doing and she was distracting him. The tight embrace was hard to fight though; she'd needed this more than she had anticipated. Letting it all out, the tears, it had been scratching at her chest for days now, clawing its way to the surface, waiting for a moment of weakness to unleash the torrent. "I'm just so tired," she admitted in a mumble she wasn't even sure she'd managed to make aloud. This was just going to make it worse, she ought to just reel it in and leave him to his work.

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   Seraphina Bythesea

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Declan frowned to himself, glad she couldn't see the expression on his face when he was hugging her so tightly. "Of course you're tired," Declan said, because it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. The solution, though, also seemed obvious to him:

"Sage, people want to help you. You have to — let us help," he said. He wasn't sure she would listen to him, but he had to say it — if he could get through to her, maybe she would stop making herself so miserable.

  

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set by Bee

Sage knew that, somewhere deep down. The problem was that she thought they shouldn't have to. This disruption to their lives and routines was unfair. She couldn't put that on anyone else. "You have work to do, Tess is running a business, Saff doesn't have any flexibility, nobody has time and I can't ask anyone to make time." Her schedule was the most accommodating, she could be home during the day. The problem was she was working at night and she was only catching a few hours of sleep after Maggie went to bed before her shift and maybe, if she was lucky a couple more before she woke up. It wasn't sustainable and Sage knew it, but what else was she supposed to do? Everyone had other responsibilities and she couldn't add anything to their plates.

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Deck huffed out a frustrated breath. "You're running yourself into the ground," he said, "I'd rather you ask for help when you can, rather than when you have to."

He didn't understand why Sage was so happy to make herself suffer but would not put anything on the man who'd impregnated her; the one who ought to be running into the ground with her. Since the fellow was apparently useless, she was going to have to rely on someone else when it was still a choice and not a necessity.

  

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set by Bee

He was making it hard to argue with him. Sage knew she needed help, but she had always been bad at asking for it. Before this the only time she had asked was when she'd found out she was pregnant. Sage had to be one of the reliable ones, not the one who inconvenienced others. "I just need some more sleep," she sighed from where her forehead was still pressed into his shoulder. The tears had slowed, but she made no effort to move. Things seemed more bearable from the safety and stability Declan was offering her. She couldn't bring herself to ask, but she wouldn't decline if he offered.

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He was starting to convince her, and he knew it — she wasn't arguing with his latest statement as she had been. "You'll get more sleep," Declan pointed out gently, a thin layer of amusement in his voice as he resisted the temptation to make a small joke, "If you stop trying to do everything."

  

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set by Bee