Unexpectedly, Macnair's description of his relationship with Tatiana did strike a chord. It wasn't the first time that they'd discussed this or that Macnair had tried to explain it, but it was the first time that the nature of Macnair's marriage had come up since Verity had gotten engaged. While Ford still had no concrete reason to be suspicious of Swann, he also couldn't shake the feeling that he should be, so the idea of losing someone you cared about to a marriage that wouldn't be good for them hit close to home. There was no way that Ford could have done what Macnair had done, either legally or logistically, but if there had been? If he'd had the chance to give up on the notion of a loving marriage for himself in order to secure comfort and respect for Verity, would he have? Maybe. The only reason that was only maybe was because he wasn't sure that Verity would have wanted him to. She'd always been ambitious, and likely would have seen a comfortable marriage as a failure. If Grace were in a similar position, though — yes, of course he would have made that sacrifice for her. So in one regard, something clicked for him; Macnair's explanation of his marriage finally made sense, instead of just being something he could overlook long enough to spend the night.
(Not that it all made sense; saving someone from a potentially bad marriage was one thing, but sleeping with them was something else. Ford's only experience of sex had been with Macnair, and it had always been passionate and caring. He couldn't imagine any alternatives, so although he knew academically that it of course must be possible to do the deed with someone you didn't have that kind of relationship with, a part of him still thought that if Macnair was regularly sleeping with his wife he must be at least a little bit in love with her).
Ford sighed. Did he have this all wrong? He'd had the whole conversation with Noble, but he'd come into it with an initial assumption that Macnair carving time out of his family life to see a lover made him a bad father. Was that a bad assumption? Ford had no first hand experience with absentee parents, so he only had his own assumptions of what it would be like to grow up with one. His father had always been present, but that didn't mean he was a good father. Ford had always thought he was, up until he died and Ford discovered he had been keeping so many secrets about their finances. What if his barometer was off on this? Ford knew he couldn't stay engaged with the relationship if he was enabling Macnair to be a bad father, but what if Ford didn't even know what a good father was?
He reached for Macnair's hand and laced his fingers through his. "I do love you," he said quietly. "You're a good person. I think you'll be a good father." He had been convinced of that right from the start, which was why he'd been so convinced that the end of their relationship was only a matter of time. It was only after things had continued for months with no end in sight that Ford had started to wonder if Macnair really thought he could continue on after the baby was born — and now he was questioning whether even that mattered. Ford frowned at his shoes, feeling very small. "You're a good — brother, for lack of a better term."
(Not that it all made sense; saving someone from a potentially bad marriage was one thing, but sleeping with them was something else. Ford's only experience of sex had been with Macnair, and it had always been passionate and caring. He couldn't imagine any alternatives, so although he knew academically that it of course must be possible to do the deed with someone you didn't have that kind of relationship with, a part of him still thought that if Macnair was regularly sleeping with his wife he must be at least a little bit in love with her).
Ford sighed. Did he have this all wrong? He'd had the whole conversation with Noble, but he'd come into it with an initial assumption that Macnair carving time out of his family life to see a lover made him a bad father. Was that a bad assumption? Ford had no first hand experience with absentee parents, so he only had his own assumptions of what it would be like to grow up with one. His father had always been present, but that didn't mean he was a good father. Ford had always thought he was, up until he died and Ford discovered he had been keeping so many secrets about their finances. What if his barometer was off on this? Ford knew he couldn't stay engaged with the relationship if he was enabling Macnair to be a bad father, but what if Ford didn't even know what a good father was?
He reached for Macnair's hand and laced his fingers through his. "I do love you," he said quietly. "You're a good person. I think you'll be a good father." He had been convinced of that right from the start, which was why he'd been so convinced that the end of their relationship was only a matter of time. It was only after things had continued for months with no end in sight that Ford had started to wonder if Macnair really thought he could continue on after the baby was born — and now he was questioning whether even that mattered. Ford frowned at his shoes, feeling very small. "You're a good — brother, for lack of a better term."
Set by Lady!