Ford's chest tightened as Macnair backed up and sat down. He hated the stricken look on the other man's face, and the words I'm sorry were on the tip of his tongue. He could go straight to Macnair's side and kneel down next to him, put one hand on Macnair's knee and one on his cheek. I'm sorry. You've been so wonderful. I didn't mean it. You know I love you. Pretend I didn't say anything. Just me making myself crazy, but nevermind that — forget I said anything and let's go back to having the time of our lives in Paris.
He could have. The words were on the tip of his tongue. He even took half a step in the direction of the bed. A thought stopped him, and when it rang out in his head it didn't sound like his voice but he couldn't identify whose it was: Only you could spend months being miserable and then end up apologizing for it when you bring it up.
Ford swayed slightly on his feet. He didn't know what to say. He felt as though he could very well explode from all the pent up emotion inside, but he couldn't find the right words to let it out. He closed his eyes and ran both hands through his hair as though this could solidify some of the whirl of thoughts in his brain. He had been miserable for good long portions of the past few months, and whether or not it was his own anxiety making him crazy it was no less real for him. At the same time, he knew that this wasn't Macnair's fault. Not really, anyway, unless one wanted to go all the way back to his decision to get married in the first place. Ford had known he was getting married and still decided to be with him, though, so he thought he'd signed himself up for that whole mess. This situation was really just an inevitable product of the first one. If it was anyone's fault, it was Ford's for being so short-sighted, for not anticipating what this would feel like once it came up.
"It's — Maybe we should," Ford began. He wasn't sure he was going to be able to get through this, but he knew he needed to at least try to say it. Pretending that things could just keep on exactly as they were indefinitely was not sustainable since the news of the pregnancy, and especially not since his conversation with Cash, and it was time to stop pretending things were fine when they weren't. "Because having a family you're responsible for is different than just having brothers and sisters. And you're about to have a family, and I'm n-not part of it."
He thought that was probably the most succinct way to phrase it. The baby would take priority over him, in Macnair's attentions and affections. It should take priority over him. Ford couldn't begrudge Macnair a healthy relationship with his child — but he also couldn't see how that scenario left any room for him.
He could have. The words were on the tip of his tongue. He even took half a step in the direction of the bed. A thought stopped him, and when it rang out in his head it didn't sound like his voice but he couldn't identify whose it was: Only you could spend months being miserable and then end up apologizing for it when you bring it up.
Ford swayed slightly on his feet. He didn't know what to say. He felt as though he could very well explode from all the pent up emotion inside, but he couldn't find the right words to let it out. He closed his eyes and ran both hands through his hair as though this could solidify some of the whirl of thoughts in his brain. He had been miserable for good long portions of the past few months, and whether or not it was his own anxiety making him crazy it was no less real for him. At the same time, he knew that this wasn't Macnair's fault. Not really, anyway, unless one wanted to go all the way back to his decision to get married in the first place. Ford had known he was getting married and still decided to be with him, though, so he thought he'd signed himself up for that whole mess. This situation was really just an inevitable product of the first one. If it was anyone's fault, it was Ford's for being so short-sighted, for not anticipating what this would feel like once it came up.
"It's — Maybe we should," Ford began. He wasn't sure he was going to be able to get through this, but he knew he needed to at least try to say it. Pretending that things could just keep on exactly as they were indefinitely was not sustainable since the news of the pregnancy, and especially not since his conversation with Cash, and it was time to stop pretending things were fine when they weren't. "Because having a family you're responsible for is different than just having brothers and sisters. And you're about to have a family, and I'm n-not part of it."
He thought that was probably the most succinct way to phrase it. The baby would take priority over him, in Macnair's attentions and affections. It should take priority over him. Ford couldn't begrudge Macnair a healthy relationship with his child — but he also couldn't see how that scenario left any room for him.
Set by Lady!