He wanted – to undo this whole conversation, to go back, to continue to exist in the reality of before. He wanted, just as badly, to lean into him and stop him talking long enough to forget everything he’d said today. He wanted to believe that if he tried hard enough, if he was desperate enough, that he might convince Cash that there was some way out of his circumstances he just hadn’t seen.
But that – that wasn’t happening – and instead there was a sick, heavy feeling in his stomach and the sense that this wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair, and he hated all his options, and he hated even more that Cash had seen this coming, had had all the time in the world to think it through, and had still chosen to lay the decision at his feet.
“No,” Theo protested, shaking his head as the nausea rose higher in his chest. “No.” He didn’t know which part he was protesting – but he let go, roughly, of Cash’s shirt. Taking a step backwards, he stared at him incredulously, sounding a little manic when he spoke. “Are you even listening to yourself?”
Was he fucking serious? He had explained it all himself. The vow, his father. It wasn’t as if Theo had heard that wrong. And there had been enough danger and enough stupidity in this already with only reputations at stake, but now if he stayed in his life and Cash’s wife or his father or someone else found out, it would be Theo’s fault if anything happened to him. And what if Theo lost him, if Cash got killed for it? How could Cash just expect him to live with that?
Theo took another step away, flinging the words across the room. “We can’t do this –”
If he’d wanted clarity from the distance, there wasn’t any – just the anger spilling back in. But anger was easy. Easier than grief. Theo bit down on his tongue, turned away from Cash and moved for the door, his heart pounding too loud to think properly. (This was probably going to be the last time he saw him like this, if he left now – this wasn’t how it was supposed to end – but if he didn’t leave now, he didn’t trust himself not to stay –)
He pulled at his office door, swore under his breath when it wouldn’t open – it was locked, he’d forgotten – and fumbled for a moment with it in frustration instead. A click; Theo let out a breath. Before he opened the door – he glanced back and finished the thought. “We should never have done this, Cash.”
You should never have let me fall for you.
But that – that wasn’t happening – and instead there was a sick, heavy feeling in his stomach and the sense that this wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair, and he hated all his options, and he hated even more that Cash had seen this coming, had had all the time in the world to think it through, and had still chosen to lay the decision at his feet.
“No,” Theo protested, shaking his head as the nausea rose higher in his chest. “No.” He didn’t know which part he was protesting – but he let go, roughly, of Cash’s shirt. Taking a step backwards, he stared at him incredulously, sounding a little manic when he spoke. “Are you even listening to yourself?”
Was he fucking serious? He had explained it all himself. The vow, his father. It wasn’t as if Theo had heard that wrong. And there had been enough danger and enough stupidity in this already with only reputations at stake, but now if he stayed in his life and Cash’s wife or his father or someone else found out, it would be Theo’s fault if anything happened to him. And what if Theo lost him, if Cash got killed for it? How could Cash just expect him to live with that?
Theo took another step away, flinging the words across the room. “We can’t do this –”
If he’d wanted clarity from the distance, there wasn’t any – just the anger spilling back in. But anger was easy. Easier than grief. Theo bit down on his tongue, turned away from Cash and moved for the door, his heart pounding too loud to think properly. (This was probably going to be the last time he saw him like this, if he left now – this wasn’t how it was supposed to end – but if he didn’t leave now, he didn’t trust himself not to stay –)
He pulled at his office door, swore under his breath when it wouldn’t open – it was locked, he’d forgotten – and fumbled for a moment with it in frustration instead. A click; Theo let out a breath. Before he opened the door – he glanced back and finished the thought. “We should never have done this, Cash.”
You should never have let me fall for you.