Show

Content WarningPeriodically there will be talk of self harm (cutting) and episodes of depression.
Those entries will be marked again with content warning boxes with more specifics!

June 1st, 1895

Never ever thought I'd be the kind to keep anything other than a field journal, but if I don't get some of these thoughts out I might burst. At least nobody else will have to deal with my ramblings.

Harry and I arrived in South Africa late last night and have been settled into our accommodations. There are bunks for both men and women and I am not the only one my age here working through an apprenticeship. It's a weird relief, to see other people like us around here.

The voyage went about as well as expected. Well, better I suppose. I was nervous about being around such a large body of water for so long, given my last dip into the lake. However, I got my sea legs long before Harry. The green has finally worn off from his complexion and I think he’s much happier to be on solid ground again. It didn’t take nearly as long as I expected, but I suppose maybe magic had something to do with it. I was glad for the adventure myself. We saw whales and dolphins while we were sailing south and you wouldn’t imagine just how blue the water is. It’s nice and warm and the breeze coming off the ocean is lovely. I can’t wait to get started. We have orientation today and get paired up with magizoologists to work with. Harry says his will be a little different, working in the medical tent, but he seems excited for the opportunity. They say having a creature healer is helpful, especially one with a little dragon experience.

Everyone is quite enamored with Bram, many of the other apprentices have never seen— or heard, a bird like him. Harry and I plan to do a little exploring around camp this afternoon, I think we get more free time than I was expecting. I'm going to have to figure out which insects are safe for him to eat. Somebody will know better than I do, one of the locals, I hope.

It's hard to feel guilty about disappearing like I did when there's so much to look forward to. It still nags at me when I'm least expecting it, but I think this is going to be good for me. A good experience, good for my career, good for the zoo. Having Mr. Podmore's sponsorship certainly helps. People around here have heard of the zoo, even from other countries, so I'm curious to see what happens. It's time for breakfast, so more later, hopefully.

STB

  

---

Adventure Awaits!

June 4th, 1895

We've settled in quite nicely. Harry seems to be thoroughly enjoying himself already. I think he was ready for an adventure as much as I was. I'm so thankful he agreed to come with me; otherwise I fear Mama would have never said yes.

I was appointed to a magizoologist from Mexico. Carolina is a trip. Loud and expressive but wonderfully warm and patient. Well with me anyway. She does not suffer incompetence from her (male) colleagues, but has a soft spot for the interns, even if she won't admit it. She has been all over the world, twice I think. She's heading the marine unit, which will be my first post. I will eventually rotate through everything from the the magical mammals to birds and even reptiles. I'm not thrilled about the insects, but supposedly it's more of a special interest anyway. I was too afraid to tell Carolina of my current fear of water, but this will be a good way to get over it. Baptism by fire, Grandpa has always said. It's so different here anyway. The water is so clear and warm, entirely unlike the Black Lake. We start observations tomorrow and I'm as excited as I am nervous. It will be fine. This is good for me. Something new to focus on. They won't let the apprentices do much underwater until we can be trained on the diving suits anyway. I should ask Harry to take me swimming though, I could brush up on that too.

Our days have been incredibly busy so far, but the evenings are delightfully entertaining, music and dancing, cooking over the fires and hearing local stories and tales of the more experienced travelers' previous expeditions. I knew this was the right choice.

STB

  

---

Adventure Awaits!

June 7th, 1895

Still no word from home. Anne's been my only news from home. Sounds like her second year of training is still going well. I'm glad she's keeping everyone in line.

I went shallow water snorkeling today. We have the brilliance of magic on our side, and though it took me a solid day to perfect my bubble head charm, I can now cast it confidently!

The fish! The corals! I’ve never seen such colors. Everything is so vivid, even under water. I suppose I never thought about the existence of magical underwater creatures, but there are so many! The Black Lake would never house some of these splendid species, but now that I think about my friend the squid (who must be some form of magical?) to the mermaids and everything in between that we learned more about in Defense than creatures, I suppose it makes sense.

We are supposedly looking for evidence of everything from muskrill to the hippocampus. I saw a few of the hippocampus on the voyage down, but we were out in deeper waters. I wonder if we will head out into the deeper ocean at some point? I can’t imagine getting up close!

For today I was happy to try my hand at getting the hang of snorkeling and see what the local muggle fish were like. I hope we get to do more soon.

STB

  

---

Adventure Awaits!

Show

Content Warningself harm

June 10th, 1895

I had a nightmare last night. It’s been over a month. I was hoping here I would simply be too tired, but it was kind of a stressful couple of days. One of the other apprentices got badly hurt yesterday. Harry said he’ll pull through, but he’ll probably have to head back home once he’s better.

It was the drowning one this time. Cold and suffocating. I woke up with a start in my bunk and almost cried out, but I didn’t want to wake anyone else. I was so disoriented but I knew I had to be quiet. The only thing I could focus on was digging my fingernails into my palms. The pain of it was weirdly grounding… but I need my hands. That’s when I did something stupid. I keep a pocket knife under my pillow with my wand. It’s just a little cut, on the inside of my arm, I’m always covered in bandages anyway from minor things so hopefully nobody notices, plus it'll mostly be under my sleeve. I don't know why it helped. I don't like that it helped, but the relief was almost instant. Even pressing on it to stop the blood hurt enough to keep me focused. It pulled me out of the depths. Can’t focus on a past hurt when you’re hurting now.

I know I can’t do it again; I have to figure out something to get me out of the nightmares. I’m afraid to ask Harry, he’ll want to send me home. Maybe Carolina will have an idea without me having to explain the whole thing.

STB

  

---

Adventure Awaits!

June 14th, 1895

It's been two weeks and I think I've settled in. Mum has written, even Mrs. Hatchitt has written, but still no word from anyone else but Anne. I must have really screwed up this time. There's nothing to be done about it now though but accept it and keep moving on. Maybe I'll be able to find something else after this trip is done and can just keep traveling. Surely one of the experienced magizoologists will have something lined up in December.

We think we found some sort of saltwater cousin to the kelpie today. We weren't able to get a clear visual, but that's what it looked like. I was helping to catalogue some different kinds of corals for potion properties, but was able to just catch a flash of something around the end of the reef after somebody pointed it out. It's got my division buzzing trying to figure out how we can figure out just what it is. I knew this whole thing was going to be exciting, but I didn't think it would be studying little-known-creatures exciting. I'm sure the locals have more knowledge and Carolina plans to seek out some stories in the coming days to help. Hopefully we get something useful!

STB

  

---

Adventure Awaits!

Show

Content Warningmore self-harm mentions.

June 17th, 1895

Things are really picking up. More than halfway through our first rotation and I'm wondering if I might stay or go for something else. We have the option to keep going with what we've started in or try something else. I know I definitely don't want to go into the entomology division, bugs can stay far, far away. The closest I plan to get is whatever I feed Bram. There's an avian rotation I might try, if only to bring back stories for Mrs. Miller. I do want to venture into the jungle though and see what's inside. That might be next, truthfully. I didn't think I would enjoy the aquatic rotation as much as I have. It's been helpful for getting over the fear of water. It definitely helps that the lagoon and reef are so different from the Black Lake, but I haven't had the drowning nightmare since the last time. I'm far more comfortable swimming now than I am flying.

Now it's everything else. A couple times a week I wake up panicked, in a cold sweat and I still can't figure out how to make it stop without the cuts. I'm starting an alarming collection. Harry's going to notice sooner or later. It's always falling, or feeling the electricity; flashes of living as someone else. I wish I knew what was causing them to happen so often or how to make them stop permanently and without hurting myself. Fortunately the salt water helps it to heal quickly and my bathing costume covers that part of my arm, but it's going to get suspicious sooner rather than later. I've got to figure out what's wrong with me.

STB

  

---

Adventure Awaits!

June 20th, 1895

There's some talk about a cohort splitting off and taking some time in Madagascar in mid-August. Carolina has expressed her interest and offered to take me with her if I wanted to go. I need to have a discussion with Harry (he's begrudgingly in charge) as it might separate us. He really seems to have taken to this venture, more than expected. He seems to be finding himself and getting more and more comfortable. I'm glad he came with me (and I think he is too). I'm hoping this will soften the conversation and he can confidently make a decision without having to owl home and ask for permission. Some of the more experienced magizoologists (including Carolina) are looking to go, I'll be in good hands and it'll be different from what we've been doing. I'm here, I want to make the most of it. I'll have to wait until Harry is in a good mood and ask him...

STB

  

---

Adventure Awaits!

Show

Content Warningmentions of self harm

July 6th, 1895

Harry finally asked if there was something wrong after I spent all of today in bed. Obviously there's nothing physically wrong, but I lied to him anyway and told him I had a terrible headache. They haven't been as bad since I got here, bearable, not like I used to get them, but it's a good enough excuse. I can't tell if he bought it, but I sort of rolled over and ignored him after that and just kept to myself.

How could I possibly explain this pressure in my chest? The squeezing, suffocating weight pulling me down, back to where I thought I was clawing my way out of it. I should have thrown my knife over the edge with the letter, but I need it for more than... relief purposes. Harry's going to catch on soon, he's not an idiot, he pays attention. I need to get out of here. I hope after this expedition is done, Carolina will take me with here wherever she's off to next. I need some separation. I think I need to figure out who I am on my own at this point and I can't do that back at home any more.

STB

  

---

Adventure Awaits!

July 20th, 1895

Early morning

There's a bad storm rolling in. Like a bad, bad one. We can't head out to Madagascar until it's gone through. Everyone is to stay at camp today and help tack things down and cover up what's important. Fortunately everything has been magically enforced, but I'm not excited to weather a hurricane in little more than a canvas tent.


Evening

Fuck me. They're sending us home and I can't beg my way into going with anyone else. We leave first thing by organized portkey with anything that fits in a rucksack.

Fuck.

STB

  

---

Adventure Awaits!