That was all? Here's your things, I'll leave you to it? That couldn't be how it ended, could it? Don Juan had asked Hudson home to meet his family; he was supposed to meet Hudson's sister when their schedules all aligned. They had been through so many nights together — lovely nights, cozy nights, hard nights. Nights that seemed to stretch on forever. Hudson had come to pull him out of an opium den. He'd sat through every minute of the past twelve hours, while Don Juan was high and then in all the various stages of withdrawal. And it was over so quickly, just like that?

But it wasn't that surprising, really; it had been over hours ago. Don Juan just hadn't been there for it yet.

I'm sorry, he thought wildly, looking at Hudson and blinking to prevent his eyes from watering. It was a mistake, I didn't mean to. It won't happen again. I can do better. But all of these were poisoned phrases; things he'd said before, and might say a dozen times again. Hudson had no reason to believe that he was sincere this time. No reason to believe anything would change.

But you love me, he could have said. Hudson had admitted as much once before. The reciprocal, never yet voiced but equally true: I love you. It didn't matter; it didn't change anything. And he had embarrassed himself enough already today, hadn't he? There was no sense in begging for something he knew he couldn't have.

"Alright," he said, voice small. "Thanks."

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MJ made this <3

Merlin this was worse than he thought. Dean had expected them to yell at each other, for there to be some kind of back and forth, but this was somehow worse. At least then they could be bitterly angry and have an excuse to go spiral out of control and be justifiably miserable.

"I'm sorry," he managed, looking at Don Juan helplessly. It would feel wrong that there wasn't any sort of explanation; Dean knew that something had to give. "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to do this." When it was good it was so good, but when they slipped, it was abysmal. The up and down, the back and forth, it was giving him whiplash and Dean just couldn't manage anymore. He couldn't come home from work every day wondering what he was going to find. Could fret the entire time he was travelling, distracted and worried what was happening when he was gone. He couldn't love Don Juan through this like he said he would. Dean had never failed anything so miserably in his entire life; he hadn't expected it to hurt this much.

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The following 1 user Likes Dean Hudson's post:1 user Likes Dean Hudson's post
   Don Juan Dempsey

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He didn't know if Hudson apologizing made it better or worse. Hudson wasn't the one at fault here; he wasn't the one who had apologies to make. Don Juan was the guilty party, and he couldn't apologize in any meaningful way, not when his credibility was already entirely shot through. Of course Hudson couldn't do this any more, of course he couldn't stay. He couldn't believe a single thing that came out of Don Juan's mouth, trust being what it was.

"No, I know," he said in a rush, as though he wanted to cut Dean off from any more explanations. He rubbed the heel of his hand against one of his eyes, trying desperately not to get visibly teary. "I'd just keep fucking it up, anyway."

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MJ made this <3

"I wanted it to work," Dean rationalized, not sure why he was still talking. He had wanted it to work so badly that he could feel the ache of the absence already and Don Juan wasn't even gone yet. There was a gaping hole in his chest that would never be the same.

"I'm really sorry," he could feel the hitch in his voice, the sob in his chest, scratching to get out and Dean didn't know what to do with it. It felt cheap to let it out now, but it was weighing him down. Dean couldn't remember the last time he'd cried, but he could feel it, hanging over him like a dark cloud, heavy and suffocating.

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This was worse. If he left, Don Juan would be alone in the room, and at least he wouldn't have to keep worrying about keeping the devastation off his face, or keeping the tears out of his eyes, or keeping his voice from going hoarse when he spoke. And nothing Hudson said was going to change anything.

"Yeah — Dean," he said, more firmly. "I know. I know." Please, he pleaded silently. If Dean wasn't going to stay, Don Juan really needed him to go.

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MJ made this <3

That was it then. Months, years of more than Dean had ever poured into a person and that was it. He swiped at a tear that escaped.

I love you. He wanted to say it, for it to mean something more than just the words, but no matter how much he loved Don Juan, it wasn't going to be enough.

"Right," was all that came out. "Good luck."

I'm so sorry.

He cast one last helpless glance at Don Juan before turning out of the room.

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