
Basil felt something in his chest tighten again as Ms. Victoire gave his arm a small, reassuring squeeze. He was stalling and she didn’t even know how badly yet. The brunette nodded anyhow, half hearing her chirp of agreement. (If he’d been in a mind to respond, he might have sympathized, having had an older brother go off first as well.) Instead, Basil only hummed hollowly.
“Yes,” he agreed.
“I’m sure in time the duties themselves will feel easier.” The imposter syndrome, the doubt, and the bomb he now carried around on his shoulders less so, but she needn’t know all that.
Sucking in a shaky breath, Basil suddenly felt ill. Whatever color his face had managed to regain upon seeing the lovely Ms. Malfoy was draining now and he hoped it might only seem as if from cold. He
wanted to tell her the truth. He wanted to have someone to pour his heart out to that would pat him on the back and tell him everything would be alright. It
shouldn’t have been her; everything in the well-bred, upperclass half of Basil’s brain knew better than to dump something so personal (and terrible) on a young debutant who had her own matters to deal with, primarily finding a husband! (Something he could not for the life of him assist her with, or advise upon, much less understand.) Yet... something about how close they’d become over the past months had wedged itself in the brunette’s heart.
Basil didn’t make, or retain friends very easily, especially those he was comfortable around. There were many who knew
of him, there were a handful who knew him, and there were even less who
knew him. In fact, other than maybe Gus, Basil could only count Atticus and Agrimony in that category; the latter was still an unfulfilled question mark, and the former… well. He shuddered at the thought. He didn’t want Ms. Victoire to know him to that degree. He was as scared of her contempt and judgement as he was his family’s. That said, the youngest Malfoy sister had somehow managed to worm her way into his heart. She was a trusted ally where few others dared tread, and as such - wasn’t she entitled to his honesty? To his confidences? The selfish part of Basil said yes. The less so, chirped that she didn’t know what she was getting herself into.
As the silent raging of his thoughts continued, Basil realized he was being rude. He had to say something more than just banal agreement to his own stalling. Sucking in a breath, he spared the pretty red-head beside him a glance. (It was a good look on her, he was constantly reminded.)
“I never did apologize for the incredibly abrupt owl this week,” he said quietly, trying to hedge towards the undesirable.
“It was a bit tactless of me, but I do so appreciate your gentility in the matter.”
He sucked in another breath, deliberating another moment, and then decided he may as well jump. If Ms. Malfoy ran screaming, then at least he’d know better next time.
“The truth is… I’ve had a disagreement of sorts,” if one could even call it that
“…and it’s set me on a bit of a spiral as of late.” He stared at the ground intently as they strolled. There was so much Basil was trying to piece together in his mind. He wanted to give her an unbiased account, as best he could, such that she might draw her own conclusions and give him a smack if he needed one. He probably did, somehow.
“I-I have this friend, you see. And, well, we were rather close in school.” Basil could feel his face heating at the admission.
“They went away after graduation, we had something of a falling out, and then… abruptly, they returned to England out of the blue some months ago. It’s not to my credit, but we rehashed the original argument after a few tense months, both of us a bit pigheaded, but… things seemed fine after that? Or at least as fine as they could be. We were friendly. Almost peaceful.” Here the professor sighed a little and absently ran a hand through his hair, mussing it, as he looked up towards the trees of Hyde Park. This was where it got tricky.
“Then this week, amidst some other turmoil, I realized I may… have certain, unresolved... er— emotions where this person is concerned.” Basil felt his cheeks burning. He purposely did
not look at Ms. Victoire’s face.
“It’s so complicated. My family would disown me if they knew—” Atticus especially “and yet, I’ve been unable to move past it. Have been for over a decade.” Here Basil decided to just throw caution to the wind.
“Granted, this person doesn’t seem to realize how difficult such a realization is for me. I’m not… I’m not the most sensitive to these types of things, as you may well have realized by now. I’ve spent years misunderstanding our interactions and our confidences until just this week and finally… I think I just, broke a tiny bit? Or something inside of me anyway.” Basil huffed another small breath.
“I don’t know if this person will ever see how grand a thing it is for me to recognize, and perhaps I’ve been awful even though I never promised them anything. I just… I know that I could never be… who they want me to be? Or give them what they likely deserve.” Basil’s voice took on a slightly harder edge then:
“My family would be thrown into the scandal of the millennia anyhow, and I won’t do that to them.” If his face twisted into something painful then, Basil wasn’t aware of it.
“I just… I have to see them often, and now… now it finally feels like things have resolved most unsuccessfully. We didn’t exactly solve much of anything in this latest discussion except that now I feel as if—” he paused, cutting himself short of what he’d been about to say.
I feel as if there’s a bomb waiting to go off inside of me, ready to ruin my family at any moment. “I just feel as if things have finally ended and I suppose I’m just unhappy with it all.” He sighed, long and tellingly. He couldn’t share much more about his internal conflict with her without specifics. This ‘bomb’ concept, his having the capacity to feel as such towards another gentleman— Basil almost shriveled at the very thought. He could never share that with anyone. It was his burden to bear alone. Besides, he’d dumped much already on the poor debutant and now, feeling a bit silly, he blushed again.