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Did you know?

The Language of the Flowers was a popular method to express feelings where words might be improper, but did you know other means of doing so? Some ladies used their parasols, as well as their fans, gloves, and hankies to flirt with a gentleman (or alternatively, tell them to shove it!). — Bree


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WANTED:

Ester Montgomery for Thomas Montgomery. The one that got away (with the pornographer...)
This boy, then. He wasn't new. Wasn't one of the worst people in the common room, those rotten rich boys - like Mr. Jailkeeper - who could not fathom a world beyond their own farts. Was a good working class lad, so he'd heard. Had a bit of a weird looking face, and a bit of a weird thing for preaching. Still.

Aubrey Davis in The Under-Sofa


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Streaker

Post at least once with the same character every day for a month.

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Ben Blows Up Art's Phone With His Love Troubles, Victorian Style
#1
Reply
March 19th
Art,


Did some kissing et cetera with Ellory Pendergast (long story, think I forgot to tell you we started talking again but obviously that happened as well as several other steps before we got to kissing et cetera) at the St. Patrick's Day thing, which was fine (not great but probably what you'd expect from a proper young woman I guess), but then things went pretty swiftly downhill from there and somehow we started talking about marriage which... I don't remember how that even came up but you know my thoughts on the subject, and you know what the Princess Stock Response is. So we started arguing about that. The thing is I know we've talked about it before and I thought she knew where I stood on all of that crap, but she just totally hit the wall about it. She started saying things like I was treating her like a prostitute, the whole shebang — because we'd kissed I suppose, even though she started it. Not the kissing et cetera, I started that, but she basically pulled me out of the path with the people and into the bushes so no one could see and — I mean, come on, it wasn't as though I was taking advantage of the situation. Or like she had any problem with the kissing until the marriage thing came up.

I don't even know what happened. Like I said, I thought we'd sort of cleared the air on all of that before and we knew what the expectations were, but I guess she's still holding out for some Prince Charming to swoop in and marry her. Misguided bloody soul if she thinks that's going to be me.

Anyway, she left after we fought a bit and I don't think she wants to talk to me anymore. I was worried she might go tell someone in her crazy family about the kissing but Aldous hasn't showed up with tickets to Siberia yet, so maybe I'm in the clear.

Fuck, man. I know you told me I was playing with fire but... I don't know, I didn't think she was like every other rich proper pureblood girl I'd met. If this ever happens to me again and I start getting all starry-eyed for a girl who's nothing but Trouble feel free to give me a courtesy punch and remind me what happened last time. And it's okay, you can feel free to say 'I told you so.' I don't know where my brain has been because this was a terrible idea from the start.
Ben



He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#2
Reply
March 19th
Art,


You don't think she would tell her family about that fight we had, do you? Or about the kissing beforehand? I'm not trying to get sent out of the country again. Or to an asylum to get treatment for whatever the hell Aldous called it. Perversions.

She wouldn't do that, though, after the whole Canada thing? I know I should have thought about this before the kissing et cetera but fuck, man. What do I do now? I could probably find an excuse to leave the country for a while and then maybe whatever shit show I stirred up will blow over by the time I come back. Not that I want to leave, but I am not letting Aldous put me in a fucking nuthouse.

Do you think if I wrote to her and asked her whether she'd told anyone it would make it worse? I guess if she's already told anyone it can't really make it much worse. Shit. If I disappear tomorrow, assume it was her fault.
Ben



He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#3
Reply
April 3rd
Art


Okay what the hell is wrong with everyone in your entire fucking family, and what the hell did I ever think I saw in Ellory Pendergast? She's just as crazy as her fucking sister and she's sending me these letters accusing me of — well actually I'm not even sure what she thinks she's accusing me of, but she's called Miss Scrimgeour a whore about ten times already and I don't think they've ever even met.

Maybe I should warn Miss S; maybe E will try to have her sent to Canada.

Ben

[-] The following 1 user Likes Reuben Crouch's post:
   Bella Scrimgeour


He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#4
Reply
April 3rd
Art,


What makes Ellory Pendergast think she has any right to write to me at all? It's not as though she wants to see me again. What business is it of hers who I spend my time with? And she's just being insane with all these accusations, anyway, because it isn't even as though I've been spending time with Miss Scrimgeour. As far as whoreish behavior at the Celtic Street Fair goes, Ellory's got the win on that one. Do you think I should tell her that? Maybe she's just worried that Miss S is a better kisser than she is and I'm in a position to judge her for it.

Not that I am in a position to judge between the two, but I can't imagine Miss Scrimgeour could be any worse than Ellory Pendergast was.

Ben



He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#5
Reply


Ben,
April 4th
Really, with the crazy-rich crazy pureblood girls? Really? You're onto a Scrimgeour now? Really? Ben? As your best friend I'm legally and morally obligated to tell you that this is a terrible fucking idea all around, especially because this one has a father who is alive and by all accounts mildly unhinged. I know that when everything with Princess started I told you that was also a terrible idea, and then I changed my mind and decided that you two were soul mates, but maybe this time you should listen to me. Just a little.

I know you won't, though, so by all means just throw another crazy rich girl onto that and see what happens.

Re: Princess - Definitely don't call her a whore, and definitely don't say she was a bad kisser. (Aren't all rich girls bad kissers at first?) Also maybe stop getting drunk with rich girls. Try getting drunk with - I don't know. Anyone else. Me? What if we get drunk? Witch Weekly definitely won't suggest that we become this year's hot society couple, so.

Cheers,
Art
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#6
Reply
April 4th
Art,


I'm not "onto" this Scrimgeour girl. I didn't even get drunk with her, I just happened to have a conversation with her after I'd been drinking, and if that's the stuff that spurs imminent-elopement rumors Aldous and Roman are going to have some bloody heart attacks, because I happen to drink a lot, and I talk to women a lot, and I don't plan on stopping on either any time soon.

Honestly, you know, if I was inclined to go drunkenly seduce S, it'd be the Princess' fault, with all these damn accusations and letters. The best part of that would be seeing her hair catch fire when she heard the news. Seriously, I can't believe she's freaking out so much about this — but I guess her mother was crazy and her sister was crazy so I shouldn't be surprised that it runs in the bloody family.
Ben



He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#7
Reply
April 4th
Art,


Hadn't even occurred to me that there might have been something in the news until you mentioned it in your last letter, but now I've gone and seen that article. My complaints, not necessarily in order of severity:

- I was in this magazine last week and although I may very well be the only interesting person left in Britain (no offense but you've gotten admittedly less exciting from an outside perspective when you got married and stopped getting sent to prison etc) it seems a bit much to put me in every single week.
- if they're going to put me in every week at least they could be consistent about it; last week I was hopeless and wouldn't ever marry, I'm fairly certain
- highly offended that they used a photo of Roman but not me. I'm clearly the better looking one (even before his faux-rugged rubble scratch)
- it's insulting to say I can't find a respectable job; I've had half a dozen and they were all boring.

I suppose in fairness to the Princess this does make the interaction with S seem much more important than it really was. But isn't this magazine sort of known for being ridiculous? I mean, they ran an article that I was the bloody mastermind behind Roman's campaign. She can't seriously believe any of this, right? Maybe she was just looking for an excuse to be mad.
Ben



He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#8
Reply


Ben,
April 5th
Just wait until the season starts up again and Witch Weekly says that Dez is a hag and eats babies and that's why we don't have any, or something. Perhaps they pulled the photo of Roman because they wanted you to look haggard and sad about everything?

Whether she wanted to be mad or not, it's easier to believe the press than one would believe, I guess. Especially because, well - Miss Scrimgeour's your type. If your type is rich, pureblood, and bad for you, which from Miss P's perspective it might as well be.

Have you ever thought about trying to kissing et cetera with halfbloods? In my experience they're much less inbred and crazy.

Cheers,
Art
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   Bella Scrimgeour, Reuben Crouch
#9
Reply
April 6th
Art,


My usual modus operandi is to stick with girls who live abroad, because they're usually not crazy, and if they are you can just leave the country and forget the whole thing. But the whole portkey blacklist thing puts a serious damper on my traveling abilities, so.

I think that girl I accidentally made out with at that party last year (the one with the weird love potion fumes in the air?) was a halfblood and she took it pretty well in stride, but that was... well, you know, different. We had a pretty good excuse.

S isn't "my type," though — and she's not bad for me (not admitting to that being my type, these are separate points here) because from everything I can tell she's really not crazy. She looks almost as sane as I thought the Princess was, and so far she hasn't gotten me kicked out of the country.
Ben



He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#10
Reply
April 16th
Art,


So.

Not saying this is a serious question but hypothetically if I theoretically exchanged some letters with S and convinced her to run off to Ireland for a night to get drunk and then did some kissing et. cetera and hypothetically S's father somehow found out and started sending some vaguely inquisitive letters, how fucked would I be? On a scale of 'have to send some apologetic bullshit letters' to 'spend the next six months in Canada.'
Ben



He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#11
Reply


Ben,
April 17th
You are the world's biggest tit.

Cheers,
Art
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#12
Reply


Ben,
April 17th
Her father was let go by the aurors after some stint of auror bullshit and is now rumored to be mildly unhinged. I would not include a return address on your letters, as I think that is more "be on the receiving end of considerable violence" than "Canada."

Also, I think it is now valid for Trouble to have called this girl a whore, and am standing by her on that one. Sorry. (Not sorry.)

Come over.

Cheers,
Art
#13
Reply
April 17th
Art,


Fine. But don't tell Dez. She'll give me that judgemental look. You know the one.
Ben



He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#14
Reply


Ben,
April 17th
Fine, but the next time you fuck up I'm letting her shame you and you know that's so much worse than me.
Art
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   Reuben Crouch
#15
Reply
May 2nd
Art,


So S isn't dead, unless ghosts have learned how to pick up bloody quills and write letters. She isn't going to deign to tell me where she is, though, even after I risked my neck to try and figure out what happened to her. Can you fucking believe this? I'll bet she thinks she's being very coy and mysterious with these vague letters. Merlin.

Ben


Copy of this letter included.


He is sensible and simple; bold and natural
So strange and agreeable; there is nothing formidable
His smile is most naive, cheerful and good-natured
And he’s as handsome up close as at a distance
#16
Reply


Ben,
May 3rd
Merlin's left testicle, is she trying to get some sexy and mysterious thing going on?

And yes, I can believe this, but I'm going to give you enough credit that I won't say "I told you so." Just let it go and hope she elopes with some other person when she gets bored of almost-ruining your life.

I think I've mentioned before that I really don't recommend going to Azkaban.
Art
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   Ophelia Devine


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