Charming

Quote:Bella: It’s impossible to know when the middle of my life is, so I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis.

Quote:Literally Anyone: is this the part where you tell me that if I hurt her you’ll kill me?
Edric: no, if you hurt Miss Lynch, she is perfectly capable of killing you herself. With a variety of weapons.

These aren't even my characters but they're perf:

Quote:Zelda, after she has messed up: I know I messed up badly this time, but Ari, please don’t be mad at me!
Ari: I am not angry.
Zelda: Oh, thank god-
Ari: I am disappointed.
Zelda: OH NO, GOD-

I headcanon that Handsome and Munny are still friends w/ Tris since they were dormies so >.>

Quote:Munny: I put the laughter in manslaughter
Handsome: I put the fun in funeral
Ernie: I put the D in Michaud
Tris: *chokes on the water he was drinking*

Kieran, to Ernie: When I was your age I had a really skinny ponytail and I think I was living off of selling my own blood.

Ben: This has been a rough year for me. I was dumped by Ellory, then by Bella. I opened myself up to love, and was hurt badly. My neighbor put a lock on their shed.
Dezzie: Off topic.
Ben: So I've decided to give up on women and invest all that energy in: tomatoes!
Art: It was on us for thinking this wouldn't be stupid.
Dezzie: I'm just glad he's not trying to sell us something.

saw this in a tweet and

Porphyria: Murder me in the library of a haunted mansion during a thunderstorm or don't waste my fucking time.

Quote:Female Professor: (comes out of a room holding an antique bottle) Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?
Woopy: (grabs the bottle, drinks all of it) It's perfume.
Professor, slightly horrified: It was.

Quote:Thomas Tilcott: Why didn’t you tell me?
Rufus Bixby: Because of your tendency to overreact.
Thomas Tilcott, stabbing the table with a knife in a fit of anger: I do NOT overreact!

Siblings:

Quote:Sweetie: You’re really campaigning for Asshole of the year, aren’t you?
Handsome: As defending champion, are you nervous?

Quote:Acacia, having not slept for four days, vibrating: But how can people not like water??? Water makes up 75% of the body!!!  Do you think it’s like some form of low self-esteem???   How can you reject something that you actively require to live??  There has to be some conspiracy to unearth here and I am going to find it. How have humans evolved to despise the one substance they need to keep them alive?
Chrysanta, on her thirteenth coffee in under 2 hours: ...Yes

Quote:Camille: Looks like it's going to be another hot day.
Holly: Yes, good practice for hell.

Quote:Odette: Try not to mess things up, okay?
Mireille: Since when do I ever mess things up?
Odette: Do you want your list in chronological or alphabetical order?

Quote:Bella: Dear life, when I asked if my day could get worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

Quote:Maeve: [Answers her phone] Hello?
Finnian: It's Finnian.
Maeve: What did he do this time?
Finnian: No, it's me, Finnian, it's actually me.
Maeve: ...What did you do this time?

Quote:Literally anyone at this point: What’s wrong with you?
Bella: Off the top of my head, I’d say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

Quote:Cash: What's wrong with Whitledge?
Munny: He doesn't handle alcohol very well.
Handsome: *Running down the hall* I'm gonna steal the Declaration of Independence!

Quote:Cora: I'm cold.
Bella: Here, have my jacket.
Regina: I'm cold too.
Bella: Want me to set you on fire?

Quote:Warwick: Come on Mathias!
Mathias: I don’t want to go outside. There are people there.

Quote:Woopy: I'm afraid of heights.
Phineas: Lucky you're short then.

Quote:Camille: Have a good day.
Holly: Don't tell me what to do.

Quote:Camille: I don’t want to hurt their feelings!
Holly: Hurt their feel- Do you just walk around all day, thinking about other people’s feelings?
Camille: Yeah, don’t you?
Holly: No! How do you get anything done?

Quote:Mireille: That was my sarcastic voice.
Odette: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Mireille: I've been told that.

Quote:Everyone: Are you drunk?!
Handsome: Is drunk when your body is a marshmallow and your head feels like a bowling ball?

Quote:Ace: Don’t do anything dangerous!
Avril: You and I both know that’s asking too much.

Quote:Ambrosia: Why are your shoes wet?
Nectar: There was a puddle.
Ambrosia: And why did you step in it?
Nectar: …It was a puddle.

Quote:Odette to Durant: I may appear calm but in my head I’ve killed you like 3 times.

Quote:Juniper: This is the worst day ever.
Andrew: Is it because society hates you?
Juniper: No, because it’s a little humid YES IT’S BECAUSE SOCIETY HATES ME!

Quote:Acacia: Remember murder is never the answer.
Chrysanta: Murder is the question.
Sweetie: And the answer is always yes.

Quote:Hestia: I’m friendly, I’m loyal, I’m energetic, I... I just described a dog, didn’t I?
Artemis: Well, yeah, but people love dogs.

Some Immie/Immac quotes!

Immie: I sent good vibes your way. They're coming. There's nothing you can do to stop them.
: That is the most threatening way I've ever been cheered up, but it worked!

"Come over, Amelia and I are having a tea party - and by tea party, I mean we're drinking whisky from tea cups!"

-- A note from Immie to

Immie: Having a dog is expensive.
Immie: The food...
Immie: The vet...
Immie: The Halloween costumes.

Immie: Merry Kissme!
: Merry Christmas, you mean?
Immie: No, that was an order.

Immie: Please? For me?
Mac: Don't do that.
Immie: Do what?
Mac: You think every time you say "Please? For me?" I'll do whatever you want. Well, not this time.
Immie: -busts out the puppy dog eyes- Please? For me?
Mac: Okay.

Immie: Wow. You know every one of my stories.
Mac: And you know every one of mine. I guess it's official: We're an old married couple.
Immie: Nice!
Mac: We did it!
Immac: -high fives-

Quote:Tristan: If you can't handle me at my worst then leave because I don't have a best, I'm always awful.

Some Irvingly expedition/fog-themed ones!

Bella, explaining she's going on the expedition:

Quote:Bella: If I die, at least I'm dying doing something I love.
Mac: What would that be, Miss Scrimgeour?
Bella: Dying.
Mac: *concerned dad noises*

Group A, probably:

Quote:Eavan: If we’re gonna make it out, we’re gonna need an illogical solution. A truly dumb idea.

[Everyone looks at Finnian]

meanwhile, in Group F:

Quote:Kenton to Bella: What's your name again, I forgot...
Kenton to Bella: It starts with a B, doesn't it? Is it, uh......
Kenton to Bella:
Kenton to Bella: Bitch?
Bella: *offended hissing*

Quote:Acacia: Imagine if someone handed you a box of all the items you have lost throughout your life.
Regina: Wow, my childhood innocence!
Sweetie: And my will to live! I haven't seen this in years.
Nectar: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.
Ace: Mental stability, my old friend!
Acacia: Guys, could you lighten up a little?

Quote:Handsome: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, maybe there's something wrong with you?
Sweetie: If it's me, then society made me that way.

Quote:Holly: I don't have anger issues.
Calla: You pushed your betrothed out of a moving carriage and yelled "you're out of the gang!"
Camille: Now in hindsight that does seem a little rash.
Holly: Yeah, it was a bit of a snap decision.

How Bella probably sees her and Regina's relationship:

Quote:Bella: oh complain, complain. You know, when life gives you lemons-
Regina: I COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LEMONS!

Quote:Ace: Here's what I know about women: they confuse and terrify me.

Quote:Future!February: First impressions are very important.
Future!Edric: But you married me anyway.

Watson: I'm pretty sure Porphyria Dempsey has actually killed a man.

Quote:Jamie: For the next 72 hours we’re going to live off whatever nature sends our way. See that stream? That’s our drinking water. See those berries? That’s our breakfast.
Bella: See that skeleton? That’s our future.

Quote:Bella: Every family has that one child who can do no wrong.
Bella: I am not that child.

Quote:Bella: Jamie, how can I get back on your good side?
Jamie: It’s gonna take about three weeks of not talking to me.

Quote:Mac: If the house was on fire and you could only take one thing, what would it be?
Bella: A nap.
Mac: Bella no.

Quote:Febby: I want a divorce!
Edric: We’re not even married!
Febby: aND WHO’S FAULT IS THAT?

Quote:Handsome: I love you.
Munny: Is that you or the vodka talking?
Handsome: It's me talking to the vodka.

Quote:Finny: Can I ask a dumb question?
Maeve: Better than anyone I know.

Quote:Kieran: don’t have energy for this
Ernie: for what
Kieran: *gestures vaguely*

Jude to Kieran: it’s a good thing our relationship is based on anger, because there’s always more fucking kindling