Issue #259 - The Lestrange Family Blood Pact
May 10, 2021 – 12:36 AM
The Original Fake News
May 10, 2021 – 12:37 AM
The Original Fake News
| 5 Ways to Subtly Snag His Affection | |
| The season is only beginning and soon a new batch of bright eyed debutantes will join our society. But they are not the only young ladies that may wish for advice in seeking a proper marriage. Here are five ways to subtly snag his affection - even good for wives who wish to have more quality time with their beloved husbands! 1. Dress accordingly. Most ladies may be thinking 'shouldn't this be obvious?' and yet there have been plently of fashion fails nonetheless. Not only should one dress for the occasion, but one must also make note of what her suitor often is more prone to complimet. 2. Befriend his sisters. Or strengthen your relationship with them. Some may not realize that a strong bond with your in-laws can lead to a more successful relationship, with fewer conflict. And if he has no ties to respectable family, he is not worh your time! |
3. Make sure both families get along. Expanding on the concept of befriending his sisters, it is important to make sure your family gets along well with his. Host regularly family parties if necessary and check in often with your female in-laws to make sure everything is ideal. 4. Take his handkerchief. While we would certainly not advertise on actual theft, taking his handkerchief may be an excellent way to capture his attention - as long as he does not know you actually did it! After taking it, you will 'find' the handkerchief and write to him that you found it. You will be seen as generous and clever. 5. Write him a letter to someone else. Nothing inappropriate, of course. Whether you write to your 'mother' singing his praises, or claiming to confide in a friend. He is sure to feel flattered of your kind thoughts. |
May 10, 2021 – 12:37 AM
The Original Fake News
| 7 Secrets To Cure Sleeplessness While the arrival of the season may mean dancing many a night away at the ball, it also means that getting one’s beauty sleep is more important than ever — so how best to avoid stocking up your shelves with serious sleeping draughts for all those times when sleep seems impossible? 1. Milk, Eggs, and Meat-Juice. Restless agitation at night is easily solved by a trip to the kitchen! Milk should be as fresh as possible, and slightly salted to hinder the formation of hard curds in the stomach. Otherwise, eggnog before bed will always do; and indeed to help digestion, drinking the soluble extracts of meat is a sure cure. The juice that oozes from raw beef is particularly recommended. 2. Cold-water-sheets. Baths are said to ease the body temperature before bed, of course, but why not soak your sheets in cold water or charm them to this effect so that this intense numbing sensation lasts through the night? (For more moderate effects, one might merely do the same with a handkerchief wrapped about the wrists, which will soothe the pulse.) 3. Stop thinking. The prime targets of the disease of sleeplessness include healers, lawyers, academics and politicians, and indeed anyone who is labouring too excessively with their brain. Overactivity of the brain is never good for a lady of society, so be sure to cut out any activity in your life that requires the overworking of your mind. Indeed, working at all can have negative effects on the nervous system, so if you are having difficulty sleeping do consider quitting your job. 4. Try doses of cannabis, opium, valerian, belladonna, chloroform or paraldehyde. These hypnotic agents can all function as strong anaesthetics on the processes of the body, and as such are useful at quieting those hysterical excitements or violent passions which are anathema to sleep. Try one! 5. Magnetism. Humans are magnetic beings, so always make sure the foot of your bed is pointing north and your head pointing south: sleeping with your head facing north means your body and the magnetic pull of North Pole will repel each other, disrupting your blood circulation! One can also invest in pillows embedded with iron lodestones to sort out these magnetic issues. 6. Mustard, Aconite or Leeches. These counter-irritants are all substances which might be applied to the surface of the body to inhibit the irritation of the central nervous structures. Apparently it is something to do with the interference of vibrations. A mustard bath, rubbing yourself with some aconite or keeping on some leeches while you sleep could do wonders. 7. A long walk before bed, in bare feet. Not only does a vigorous walk in the fresh air tire the body and expel any stressful thoughts, bare feet will ground you to the natural world, and lower your body temperature marvellously. Catching your death of cold may be an adverse effect of this technique, particularly if practised in winter — but certainly when you’re dead you will rest in peace. |
 Don't let stress and anxiety keep you up at night! Try one of these simple cures and never toss and turn again! |
May 10, 2021 – 12:37 AM
The Original Fake News
| The Lestrange Family Blood Pact | |
Many were shocked by this weekend's announcement that Miss Tatiana Lestrange was recently engaged, though not because an engagement itself would have been a surprise. Miss Lestrange was being formally courted by Mr. Charles Macmillan for several months before apparently veering off-course and accepting a proposal from a quarter no one had seen coming: her own cousin, Valerian Macnair. The Macnair family took Miss Lestrange in at a young age after her father's imprisonment (following his mass-murder at the Ministry of Magic) left her, for all intents and purposes, an orphan, and she has remained in their household ever since. Marriages to cousins are hardly unusual, particularly in the wider Lestrange family — last season saw the nuptials of Claudius Lestrange to his cousin Ellory nee Pendergast, and a fortnight later of William Pendergast to Cornelia nee Lestrange. In this case, however, one cannot help but raise an eyebrow, both because the circumstances under which Miss Lestrange was raised makes her almost more a sibling than a cousin to Valerian Macnair, and because she presumably had another strong option in Charles Macmillan. Why marry Valerian Macnair? Valerian Macnair, heir to the Macnair legacy.Of course, Mr. Macnair has much to recommend him of his own accord: a handsome and well-established man with a successful career and a fortune to inherit. But is there another benefit to choosing a man within her own family? The answer stretches back to William Lestrange, father to Lucius Lestrange and his surviving siblings. It is not unusual, as we noted, for cousins to marry — particularly in pureblooded families who emphasize keeping their lineage above reproach. Our writers believe that William Lestrange may have actually placed a blood pact on his children to promote such a practice — wrecking havoc and despair on female descendants who married outside the family lines. |
What proof do we have of this? What proof could be needed beyond the women themselves! The first so affected was Andromache Pettigrew. After tragically losing her husband, she was then ruined by her own son and left nearly destitute, having to resort to work as a companion in order to sustain herself in her old age. Katherina Selwyn, one of William Lestrange's daughters, had the misfortune of only ever having daughters, and several of those daughters were wildly disappointing — notably, Charles Macmillan's first wife, Noelle Macmillan nee Selwyn, who died in 1885 after producing only one daughter herself. Olivia Pendergast's daughters have likewise been tainted by the curse — Eloise married an American, of all things, and Miss Rosalind has yet to marry at all because of misfortune on her way to the altar. Indeed, the only Lestrange women not apparently ruined are Mrs. Valeria Greengrass and Mrs. Evelyn Abercrombie, but we can only ask: for how long? This paints a very dire picture indeed for Miss Tatiana Lestrange. After spending so much time in the company of Mr. Macmillan one can only imagine that she must have grown terribly fond of him at the least — perhaps she is even wildly in love! It is clear why a marriage between Mr. Macmillan and Miss Lestrange is not in the cards, however; marrying her would serve Mr. Macmillan no better than his first wife did! And it would be such a shame to see Miss Tatiana Lestrange join Noelle as a ghost when she is still in the prime of life, perhaps after dying in childbirth to bear another daughter.  Miss Tatiana Lestrange, soon to be Mrs. MacnairPerhaps by choosing Mr. Macnair, Miss Lestrange has avoided a life of misfortune — but is it a worthy choice, if what she loses is a life full of love? |
May 10, 2021 – 12:37 AM
The Original Fake News
| Ask Harmony Aidsworth! Dear Miss Aidsworth, I have two younger sisters who will both be out in society by the end of the month. As the eldest I ought to be married first but I have no suitors yet and I'm worried one or both of my sisters will find gentlemen before me. My parents have no intention of postponing my youngest sister's Coming Out and are not making certain that I have the best dresses and accessories to make sure I stand out from my sisters. I have considered small sorts of sabotage to ensure I have the edge but I fear my sisters will figure out what I've been up to before I can reap the rewards. What should I do? Sincerely, Miss Fearing Spinsterhood Miss F. S., Your predicament is quite unfortunate but by no means unique! Sabotaging your younger sisters may seem your only option but rest assured there are more kind and peaceful ways of shining brighter than younger siblings. For a start you might reconsider your cosmetic regimen and hairstyling. What suits your natural attributes best? Being the eldest sister will naturally have afforded you greater maturity than that of your sisters, wield this to your advantage. Gentlemen might find the silly behaviors of younger sisters entertaining but silliness is not what anyone looks for in a wife! Bring greater attention to your virtues and if it makes your sisters look worse by comparison then you will achieve your aim without resorting to unsavory tactics. Of course if one of your sisters should ask your opinion on a certain hairpiece or dress and you suspect it will look much more becoming than your own then there's little harm in dissuading them from that choice. Dear Miss Aidsworth, I'm not sure if it is the done thing for a gentleman to ask you for advice but I am at my wits end! My sweetheart and I have been courting for several months now and I've decided the time has come to propose. I thought she would be delighted but I have tried twelve times to propose and each time there has either been an interruption or she's derailed the moment before I can get to the actual question. Initially I thought it was my own rotten luck that her sister kept bursting into the room unexpectedly or that she kept interrupting me just before I properly began my proposal speech. I've since come to suspect that she knows I'm working up to asking her to marry me and is purposely finding ways to prevent me from getting to the question. I have the blessing of her family and she claims I am her dearest love so I cannot imagine why she would do this. I'm afraid if I make a thirteenth attempt it'll end in very poorly or even in rejection. My friend says she clearly doesn't wish to marry me and I ought to end things before I suffer a great embarrassment but before I do I thought I'd ask a lady's opinion on the matter. H. T. Dear H.T., You've made a wise decision in writing to me. The way I see it you have one of two situations before you. Either your lady friend has reservations about marrying you and is afraid of hurting your feelings by rejecting you, or else she is very nervous and scared of such a life changing moment but has every wish to be your wife otherwise. If it is the former then she will likely have difficulty discussing your hypothetical future together in any sort of context. Does she seem hesitant or withdrawn if you mention marriage or children? If she participates in such discussions eagerly then it is more likely to be the latter. Be patient with her and get to the point sooner rather than later, the anticipation will only make her more uneasy. If you're still unsure, speak with her family and if they don't know already they can find out what it is that's giving her pause. |
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