I'm not the sort of person who falls
In and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection
Right from the start

Midnight, September 30th, 1890 — London

Fallon had gone through her day in a zombie-like state. Case files were filtered through, signed off on, and filed without her having any recollection of what she just processed. Mercifully, none in the office appeared to notice, as everyone was too distracted by their own work. Nor did they notice that she left for the day without finishing the massive piles of files to sort through, something she hadn't ever done before. For the first time in her life, Fallon's heart wasn't in her work, it was miles away attempting to dance over shards of glass.

Malou hadn't had a concrete answer for her. As Fallon knew, Jesse was the right choice to make. He was well established, not involved in any public scandals, and, most importantly, he cared deeply for her. Just last week they had laid in his hospital bed debating over various vacation spots, and now here she was, ready to torch the whole foundation after one conversation with Lachlan. All their progress, all their hopes and plans, rested on a crate of dynamite with a lit fuse. One second too late, one misstep, and it would all be blown to pieces.

Asking him to come over near midnight wasn't an intentional plan. In fact, had she realized just how late it was, she would've waited until morning and called in sick to work. (Not a wise plan considering she had just gone back after a month off, but she wasn't capable of focused work anyway.) The letter was sent, though, and now all there was left to do was wait in the kitchen with a mug of coffee in hand. Her hair was a loose mess, her pajamas (trousers and a button down shirt) were disheveled from hours of pacing. Malou was at work, presumably, as she certainly wasn't in the apartment. (For the best, really, as Fallon doubted this would be a wholly friendly conversation.)

All she could do was wait and hope he answered her letter.

  

Jess was accustomed to midnight summons. Accidental magic happened at every hour of the day and though he wasn't on call tonight, that hadn't stopped him from being called upon to come in anyway. What he hadn't expected was to see Fallon's owl insistently tapping at the window when he opened it. Odd. He read the brief letter quickly, half-awake, half-dressed and then suddenly very much alert.

This didn't bode well.

He penned a four-word response and moved to find clothes that weren't the ones he'd worn today or wrinkled from being tossed over a chair instead of hung up. Not that it truly mattered, he supposed, but he tossed on a shirt, haphazardly buttoning it and some actual pants instead of the old worn out things he wore to bed, tossed on his slippers and stepped into the floo according to the directions.

He and Tyb were moving out tomorrow into their own place and somehow he had the suspicion tomorrow or today rather— was going to be a long day. Stepping out of the fireplace at Fallon's he found her also very much awake and slightly disheveled. 'Hey Trouble, what's going on?" He was quite confused by the urgency of the letter, but didn't want to jump to conclusions either.

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The homey flat was small enough to see the floo from the kitchen, though it was on the clear opposite side of the room. Fallon reached for the empty mug on the counter and poured him a cup of coffee as well. Tempted as she was to spike both their drinks, Fallon knew better. This conversation was one they had to be sober for, even if it frightened her to do so. The half-empty whiskey bottle wasn't far if they changed their minds anyway.

She held the mug out silently as she struggled to summon words that weren't sobs and apologies. Seeing him now, knowing how quickly he had fled to her side at the drop of a pin made the decision that much harder. Jesse was as good a man as they came, how was she supposed to break his heart? How was she meant to choose another over him? "Hi," she greeted finally with a sigh, her usual spark gone from her tone. "I'm sorry to wake you up." Merlin, she could use a hug. "It's just ... we need to talk."

  

He moved into the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe. He was already having a hard time reading her and her mood, something was off. Then she said the words nobody ever wanted to hear, we need to talk. Dread flooded his system, though he kept an neutral expression on his features and accepted the mug of coffee without thinking about it. He made sure to let his hand linger on hers for a moment before pulling the mug away completely.

"It's fine, always here for you." He meant that too, even if he now worried he wasn't going to like something about this conversation. Jumping to conclusions, though he'd promised himself not to, was harder than he would have liked. Still, he was keeping it to himself for now and probably for the remainder of this conversation, whatever it was she had to say to him now. "What's on your mind?"

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Fallon (selfishly) visibly relaxed at the graze of his hand. Such a small, simple touch had her ready to break down fully. Jesse truly was always there, wasn't he? Through thick and thin. No wonder why Malou supported her relationship with him, he was great, perfect even. Fallon wished that knowledge made her decision as simple as his slight touch, she wished she didn't have to do this.

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, her eyes locked on the floor between them. Looking at him only made this worse. Already, Fallon felt the burn of tears in the back of her eyes. Damn it. "I ..." Merlin. This was just as hard a confession as it was telling Lachlan she was involved. She couldn't do it. She couldn't confess.

Why was this so hard?

With tears welling in the corners of her eyes, Fallon finally looked up at him, speechless. Instead, she discarded her mug on the counter and rushed to embrace him. He was her safety, her comfort. "I'm so sorry," she cried into his chest. "I'm so, so sorry."

  

Oh not good at all.

He was not expecting the onslaught of emotions that welled up on her features or the following ambush. Jess barely had time to stow his coffee on the closest counter and empty his hands before she was wrapping herself around him.

Not good.

"Hey," He soothed, wrapping his arms around her, easily accommodating her smaller frame against his. He gave her a moment, heart beating rapidly now, despite his calm exterior. "It's alright, you're alright. What's wrong?" He leaned back far enough to gently tip her chin up toward him so he could see whatever it was going on from close up. He'd never seen her like this and he needed to know what had her so rattled.

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Fallon cried for all the heartbreak she was suffering through and causing. Despite knowing she had no right to (not anymore, maybe never again), she clung to him as though he were a life raft in a turbulent sea. "I'm sorry," she repeated through her cries. Sorry for kissing Lachlan. Sorry for wanting him. Sorry for being so fucking confused.

He forced her to look up at him, and Fallon could only guess how frightening her face must look. Red rimmed and bloodshot eyes met his blue ones, snot threatened to dribble out of her nose. She ought to step back, ought to apologize for her rushed hug and explain herself. Ought to do anything but stand there and cry.

"I didn't know, Jesse." She attempted to explain as she stepped back from the embrace. "I had no idea, he never said anything." Not until last night. "I didn't know."

She still didn't know what to do about it or who to choose. Deciding either way felt so fucking wrong.

  

"Stop apologizing," Whatever it was, he was pretty sure she was well and truly sorry about it. The tears alone were enough to convince him of that. That sinking feeling in his gut was back, but what she said was not making any sense to him, if at all.

"It's alright, whatever it is, it's alright." He assured her, speaking softly, running his thumb across her cheek to wipe away the tears. He was still trying to wrap his head around what she was saying, trying to connect the pieces from her disjointed comments. The fact that she said he was not lost on him, but Jess only had a vague inkling about who she could be talking about.

He brought his other hand to join the first, framing her face gently as he looked down at her. "Take a deep breath and tell me what happened. Whatever it is, I won't be mad, I promise." By the sounds of it, from the apologies, she clearly thought she'd done something wrong.

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Fallon did as instructed, her breath hiccuping from the remnants of her cries. This wasn't how she anticipated this conversation going, she certainly hadn't expected to break down like this. The ultimatum was just too real, the reality too harsh a world for her to accept.

"I finally talked to Lachlan,," she began once her breathing had calmed enough for her to form coherent thoughts. "I found his address in my old case file and I went to his house." Fallon pulled his hands from her cheeks as she spoke and held them loosely in her own instead. "We fought and then we kissed." She couldn't even claim he had kissed her, not with the fervor with whixh she returned the motion. "And he has feelings, feelings I didn't think he had. And ..." And, she returned them. And, she loved him.

Fuck.

"I didn't know. I thought we were just friends."

  

She calmed down a little, but he could still see the anguish on her features and it was killing him. What could have set her off so badly that she was this upset?

He didn't have to wait long to find out.

Of all the things he'd been expecting, that was certainly not anything he could have foreseen. It made sense though, the constant apologizing, the need to talk. Something had happened with Lachlan and she was standing here, tearfully admitting it to him; and what a blow it was.

Jesse five years ago would have flown off the handle, reminiscent of the temper he'd always had as a teenager, but he'd just promised her not to be angry and though a flurry of emotions flew through him at a rapid rate, he settled on... disappointment.

It was easy to see this was really eating at her and the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel worse for telling him. Finding the right words to do so, was another matter entirely. He sighed softly, trying to reign his own emotions in. "And you care for him too." It wasn't an accusation, just an observation. She wouldn't be this worked up about it if she didn't. The real question was, what happened next? Jess wasn't sure he could continue on if she had feelings for another man, but it really wasn't up to him to decide.

Carefully, Jesse gave their joined hands a gentle squeeze. "Fallon, you have to do what's going to make you the most happy." That was what mattered after all. "I'm not going to stand here and tell you what to do. I want you to be happy, be it with me or somebody else, you deserve that much."

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   Fallon Gillespie

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His reaction was ... unexpected to say the least. Fallon thought his promise would be long forgotten at her confession, that he would be furious by the turn of events. Or, at the very least, even a little upset. However, the only emotion Fallom could read off his face was resignation. Then, his statement of being happy with whomever struck her like a gut punch. Had he not cared as deeply for her as she had him? Had she, once again, misinterpreted the signs into meaning something wholly different?

There was no denying his statement, but she refused to confirm it. Jesse wasn't asking her her feelings, nor was he judging her for them apparently. The stark difference between him and Lachlan added to her confusion. Lachlan had begged for her to stay, had been willing to fight, and Jesse already seemed to have one foot out the door.

She released another stuttered breath. Some of the weight was lifted now that he knew but not all. No, the lingering decision remained unmade. "I am happy with you." They were so at ease with one another now it was impossible not to feel happy around him. "You make me happy." Lachlan likely would too were his circumstances different. It was hard to be relieved around someone she stressed so often over. "He's just ..." Lachlan. "I don't know what to do. No matter what I do someone is going to get hurt."

  

There was no right answer here. He knew what he wanted, she didn't. He couldn't blame her for that, could he? How unfair and unrealistic would that be? They were only human after all.

Jess smiled softly at her, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Fallon at this point in my life there is nothing else I would rather do than make you happy every day for the rest of your life, but this is a choice you need to make." He couldn't and wouldn't lead her one way or another. "You've said it yourself, there are things about you I may never to able to understand now matter how hard I try to or want to, he might be able to." He felt like he was digging his own grave, but he refused to make her feel guilty about this. She and Lachlan had suffered and survived an insurmountable trauma together, they were connected whether he liked it or not. He had some thoughts on the matter, certainly, but now was definitely not the time to voice them.

"I don't want to make you feel guilty. I know it may look like I'm not fighting for this as hard as I could, but I don't want to do that to you. I don't want to make this decision any harder than it already is. I understand where you're coming from, or at least I think I do." He was starting to ramble and he knew it, but he had to get the thoughts out before he could talk himself out of it. "Please believe me when I say nothing would make me happier than to give you back the ring and move forward, but if you truly care for him and want to be with him knowing he feels the same, how could I ever stand in the way of that?" Sometimes knowing when to bow out was the saving grace and if it helped ease some of her heartbreak, helped him shoulder some of her burden, he could do that for her.

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   Fallon Gillespie

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Nearly a month ago, Fallon had balked at the idea of being engaged to him. She was only just beginning to cope with the trauma then and everything seemed to be moving at warped speed. Back pedaling was her only option at the time, escaping, fleeing. It was all she could do. But, even then Fallon knew she didn't want that to be the end of her and Jesse. Even then she had asked him for time to get to know one another before taking further steps.

And they had.

She knew all about his childhood and family. She knew his likes, dislikes, his skills. Aside from the tundra, there was nothing she hid from him, and the tundra wasn't so much hid as ignored. With Lachlan, their trauma was almost all they had now. They didn't joke as they once had, their meetings always held an air of grief. Fallon didn't begrudge him that, how could she when she had accidentally caused parts of it? It was just ... what if Lachlan never recovered? What if their days stayed dark for all their time together?

She leant over the kitchen counter and grabbed one of the small towels Malou had laying around to wipe her face with. "You want to marry me?" Fallon asked hesitantly. Merlin, he wanted to give her back the ring. He wanted a lifetime with her. How could she refuse him after allowing him to think it was a possibility all along?

How could she deny her love for Lachlan?

"I do care for him, I don't think I could ever deny that." It went both ways, though. Her affection for Jesse would never diminish either if they did break now. What this entire decision boiled down to was who she couldn't live without, and Fallon was too cowardly to admit to it. She wiped her eyes with the towel again. Merlin, she had never cried this much in her life. "Would you still marry me knowing that? Knowing there was a piece of me that you wouldn't be able to understand when someone else could?"

  

Jess let his hands drop to his sides only briefly as she moved away, before crossing them loosely across his chest. He didn't really know what to do with them now and it was bothering him slightly, which was ridiculous, considering everything that was going on. He watched her carefully, waiting on her. As always, this moved at her pace, their relationship, this conversation, everything.

"I asked once already, didn't I?" They had been pretending at the time and when it came up in sincerity, things had gotten off track for a while, but they'd made their way back, or at least he'd thought so. Clearly they were still a step or two off, a little disjointed now, but maybe with enough time and patience, they could meander back again.

It stung a little to hear that she still had these feelings for Lachlan, even after everything the two of them had been through, but Jess knew that she had shared something with the Scotsman that Jess couldn't fully understand. Her question turned the decision on him now and he hesitated to answer, though he knew what his choice would be; yes, he could handle it. Could she?

"I've known that all along. The two of you suffered and survived a heinous situation together. I wasn't there, I can't pretend to know what you went through. You had to create a bond to survive. I understand that." It had always been there, he realized, though it hadn't come to the forefront of his mind until now.

Slowly he stepped toward her again, though kept his hands to himself for the moment. "Does it bother me a little? Truthfully, yes. Is it a deal breaker? No. Nor would I asked you to cut him out of your life completely." It made him uncomfortable, knowing that they harbored feelings for one another, but he might be able to deal with them being friends if she could handle it.

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Fallon's eyes widened impossibly. "That wasn't real," she pointed out in a vain attempt to sound more lighthearted than she felt. "We were just Saoirse and JP when you asked." Back when things were simple, when the worst they faced were papercuts from their letters. Fallon tried to smile, but it came across more a grimace than anything else. She was too distraught to feign happiness.

The singlemost difference between him and Lachlan was that Jesse wasn't forcing her to choose. He didn't know the ultimatum Fallon faced, he didn't know Lachlan would remove himself from her life if she stayed with Jesse. An ache worse than the ones the frigid cold consumed her at the thought. She couldn't lose Lachlan, couldn't lose his friendship. Another tear streamed down her cheek unbidden.

"He won't be my friend if you and I are together," Fallon confessed mournfully. "He's been through so much with the match and the Arctic. Watching me be happy with you ... he won't do it." Jesse had to understand now why the choice was so difficult, why Fallon couldn't bring herself to fall one way or the other. She sighed heavily, her hands toyed with the ends of her hair. She couldn't lose Lachlan.

"When we were in the tundra ... he kept me from giving up. If not for him, I wouldn't have survived. I would have stayed in that cave until I froze or starved, whichever came first," she rambled as a further attempt to make him understand. "How am I supposed to repay that with a broken heart?"

  

Jess could only shrug. Pretending sure, it was easy then to talk of imaginary honeymoons and how many kids they would have, casually flirting before things got too heavy too fast. They'd been in such a good place and now things were starting to crack at the edges and he simply didn't know how to patch the cracks for her.

He reached out to catch the falling tears again, each one deepening the cracks as things started to crumble around them. Realistically, there was nothing he could do about Lachlan's reaction. Though it appeared selfish and unfair, Jesse, had he been in the other man's position, wasn't so sure he would react differently. The only reason he wasn't visibly falling apart at the seams was because she needed him not to.

Sighing softly, he felt the resignation settle deep in his bones. He wanted this, wanted what they had, but he wouldn't ask her to carry on if it cost her as much as it appeared it would. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you to choose what we have," It was true and needed to be said. "But if it's too much to lose him, I won't ask you to." Agonizing over it any more wasn't going to get her anywhere. She said Lachlan would give up on her and she clearly didn't want that to happen. So he'd make the choice for her after all.

"If I wasn't in the picture you wouldn't even think twice about it. If he'd said something sooner this wouldn't have happened. Maybe things just go out of order and you need that second chance." Jess tried his best to keep the emotions from leaking into his voice, but even though he spoke softly, his words were laced with regret. "I can bow out gracefully if you want me to, I can give you time if you want. I'll give you whatever it is that you need to be happy, even if I have to step back in the process." He'd regret it, he was sure, but apparently unlike Lachlan, Jess would rather see her happy with somebody else, than constantly questioning if she made the right choice in him.

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