I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Printable Version
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I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Fortitude Greengrass - April 4, 2021
17 March, 1891 — later — Greengrass Home
Once Noble had come to and reassured them all that he wasn’t going to die that night, Ford’s attention had shifted to placating Mama and his two sisters. He still didn’t really understand what had caused his brother’s collapse at the table, but knew that hysterics weren’t helping anyone — and if Noble said he didn’t need to go to the hospital, Ford was inclined to believe him (although a bit reluctantly — if there hadn’t been a small voice in the back of his mind saying you can’t afford that he might have insisted on it anyway, just to be sure that whatever had happened really was resolved). It was a bit of an inglorious end to their dinner party, and he wasn’t sure whether Verity was more upset about Noble’s surprise health concern or the loss of the after dinner card game with Lestrange, but how his friend would react to this entire evening was a very distant secondary concern in Ford’s mind compared to whatever was going on with his brother. He’d left Noble in the parlor while he ferried the girls around and talked them down, only returning when he was sure they weren’t going to bother Noble for the rest of the night. When he returned he made himself a drink, and almost made his brother one as well out of muscle memory before he stopped to wonder if Noble ought to be drinking or not.
He decided not to. He went to sit in one of the armchairs and started watching Noble a little too closely, as if he expected him to collapse again at any moment. He wanted to ask questions, of course, but he also didn’t want to increase his brother’s stress levels too much and potentially trigger another similar episode (though he had no idea if anything had even triggered it to begin with). So he said nothing, instead watching Noble with obvious concern.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Noble Greengrass - April 4, 2021
He was, Noble was sure, coming down from the effects of his microdose of the Draught of Peace. He no longer felt faint, most importantly — and if anything could return him to being fully grounded in his body it was the weight of what had happened at dinner. Noble was used to mild weird side effects from the potions he occasionally tested, but this was the first time it had been so obviously visible to his family — and it was the first time he was scared.
He really could have killed Mrs. Crouch. She was a woman and she was pregnant and she was much smaller than he was (presumably), and if a very small dose of the recreated potion had knocked Noble out then it could have killed her.
And it was either one of his ingredients, something in his potion, or he was just a fuckup on a nearly-homicidal level. The latter was too impossible to even contemplate and the former meant he was going to have to figure out a way to test most of the ingredients in the potion. (Anything that did not overlap with the antidotes he delivered to Hogsmeade Hospital, that was, because if something was wrong with those he would have been arrested by now.) The trouble with that was some of the ingredients were lethal on their own, (never mind whatever caused this), so he was going to have to double check methods of making them safe, and test them, and hopefully not fucking pass out during dinner again. At least he’d managed to talk them out of taking him to the hospital.
Noble was in the middle of contemplating this when Ford came back. He’d run his hands through his hair several times since the family had left him, leaving him even more rumpled than he’d looked just from having fainted. He wanted to counteract the lingering effects of the potion, maybe with an awakening potion or even one of those party potions the rich women asked him for, but he did not think he could get away with slipping away to his workshop to grab one. Either he’d be dizzy again or Ford would stop him or both, and it just was not worth it.
He was being stared at, and he was aware of it. Noble pulled his hands away from his hair and settled them on the arms of the chair, still slouching both because he did not want to expend the energy required to straighten fully and also because holy fuck, he could have killed her.
Noble watched Ford out of the corner of his eye. ”You don’t have to worry about me,” he said finally.
He really could have killed Mrs. Crouch. She was a woman and she was pregnant and she was much smaller than he was (presumably), and if a very small dose of the recreated potion had knocked Noble out then it could have killed her.
And it was either one of his ingredients, something in his potion, or he was just a fuckup on a nearly-homicidal level. The latter was too impossible to even contemplate and the former meant he was going to have to figure out a way to test most of the ingredients in the potion. (Anything that did not overlap with the antidotes he delivered to Hogsmeade Hospital, that was, because if something was wrong with those he would have been arrested by now.) The trouble with that was some of the ingredients were lethal on their own, (never mind whatever caused this), so he was going to have to double check methods of making them safe, and test them, and hopefully not fucking pass out during dinner again. At least he’d managed to talk them out of taking him to the hospital.
Noble was in the middle of contemplating this when Ford came back. He’d run his hands through his hair several times since the family had left him, leaving him even more rumpled than he’d looked just from having fainted. He wanted to counteract the lingering effects of the potion, maybe with an awakening potion or even one of those party potions the rich women asked him for, but he did not think he could get away with slipping away to his workshop to grab one. Either he’d be dizzy again or Ford would stop him or both, and it just was not worth it.
He was being stared at, and he was aware of it. Noble pulled his hands away from his hair and settled them on the arms of the chair, still slouching both because he did not want to expend the energy required to straighten fully and also because holy fuck, he could have killed her.
Noble watched Ford out of the corner of his eye. ”You don’t have to worry about me,” he said finally.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Fortitude Greengrass - April 4, 2021
If Noble was really alright he wouldn’t have been sitting there in the first place, Ford figured. It wasn’t exactly in either of their natures to just sit around for — however long it had taken him to deal with the girls, he wasn’t sure — doing nothing except staring at the walls. So the fact that he was still here at all meant there was still something the matter, and the fact that it took him so long to say something even after Ford came back into the room only confirmed the vague feeling of dread Ford had about the whole situation.
He really could not deal with something being wrong with Noble. He was, at least in name, supposed to be the head of this family and supposed to provide for everyone else, but he didn’t have anything to provide, and while he could keep their debts distant enough to remain invisible while juggling Mama and the girls, he really couldn’t add Noble to the mix. There just wasn’t anything left, and Noble’s income was part of what was keeping them afloat as it was. But he also couldn’t tell Noble to keep working if he wasn’t well, and he couldn’t — wouldn’t — refuse any treatment that his brother might need if there was some underlying condition that needed to be addressed. He couldn’t afford it, but he’d insist on it anyway, and then… well, in the best case scenario maybe Noble would pull through and Ford would get thrown into debtor’s prison somewhere, and they’d all be ruined but at least Noble would be alright. And in the worst case scenario, Noble wouldn’t be alright, but Ford wouldn’t come to terms with that until it was far too late and what little money they had was all gone and Ford would go to debtor’s prison anyway.
These were the things he was contemplating, while he waited for Noble to speak. When he finally did, Ford scoffed. “Yeah, well, I’m going to,” he said with a helpless shrug.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Noble Greengrass - April 4, 2021
On top of everything he was going to have to do to make sure he didn’t kill anyone — as secretly as possible, with no one catching on, because you could not be a potioneer and be poisoning anyone — Noble felt guilty, about this, because Ford was worried and surely the girls were worried. And he was supposed to be steady, stable Noble who poked fun at them but was rational and clever and knew what he was doing. He could not be any of those things if they were all worried about him.
And Ford especially, did not have the time to be worried about him. They had girls to marry off and debts to manage and mama to survive, and Noble was supposed to help bail Ford out, not give him another body of water to drown in. So while he almost wished he could brush off what his brother said, it just wasn’t an option.
Noble pushed a hand through his hair. “Well, you don’t,” he said, “Because it’s not going to happen again. I did it to myself. I caused it.”
And now he knew that something was wrong with his potions, for sure, but at least he wasn’t going to wander around taking poisonous Draught of Peace all the time. Poisonous other things, maybe. But he could steer clear of the family home when he did that, if he had to.
And Ford especially, did not have the time to be worried about him. They had girls to marry off and debts to manage and mama to survive, and Noble was supposed to help bail Ford out, not give him another body of water to drown in. So while he almost wished he could brush off what his brother said, it just wasn’t an option.
Noble pushed a hand through his hair. “Well, you don’t,” he said, “Because it’s not going to happen again. I did it to myself. I caused it.”
And now he knew that something was wrong with his potions, for sure, but at least he wasn’t going to wander around taking poisonous Draught of Peace all the time. Poisonous other things, maybe. But he could steer clear of the family home when he did that, if he had to.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Fortitude Greengrass - April 4, 2021
It took Ford a moment to mentally catch up to what Noble was saying. After his brother assured him it wasn’t going to happen again, he was still thinking but how can you know that? until a beat later, when the last two sentences hit him. Ford tensed. He had been worried about Noble since the moment it had happened, worried about Noble in spite of all the placating things he was saying to the girls and to Mama, but he hadn’t ever anticipated this, and for a moment he didn’t know what to do with it.
You should have said something, he thought, but as it occurred to him he knew it sounded too much like an accusation for him to ever say out loud. There was a part of him that did feel accusatory, though, hearing that. Noble did this to himself. You were going to leave me here? Ford thought a little desperately. The idea made him viscerally and tangibly lonely, as though a part of him had been physically removed and there was a gap right in the middle of his chest, empty air where his insides had been. He felt like he was falling, like the floor had fallen out from under them in the room and maybe they were both falling.
There was something to grab on to, though, in his brother’s words. That first part, that he had discounted as something Noble couldn’t have known, suddenly became the most important element. “You won’t do it again?”
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Noble Greengrass - April 4, 2021
“Oh, fuck no,” Noble said, laughing on the exhale despite himself. He wasn’t usually given to swearing outside of his own head but the evening seemed to warrant it. It didn’t feel like a lie to him, either, because no, he was not going to try Draught of Peace again. Other things, sure, but nothing else had ever made him drop like that. And if he reduced the dosage on all the ingredients he could probably find the incorrect one without getting ill. Probably.
It would have been better to just replace his stores of all the ingredients that were, possibly, off. But Noble couldn’t afford to do that and to contribute anything to the family budget for the next month, which wasn’t an option — especially with Grace’s Coming Out coming up. So. He was going to have to test things himself.
And maybe he was still a little messed up on the potion because the thought of taking it again really was funny, in a graveyard humor sort of way, and in a way that had Noble almost forgetting that he hadn’t actually given Ford much context here, and that he didn’t particularly want to.
“I mean, I was trying to figure out if it messed with sleep, so — experiment successful, I’m not a fan of fainting, don’t need to test that again,” Noble said.
It would have been better to just replace his stores of all the ingredients that were, possibly, off. But Noble couldn’t afford to do that and to contribute anything to the family budget for the next month, which wasn’t an option — especially with Grace’s Coming Out coming up. So. He was going to have to test things himself.
And maybe he was still a little messed up on the potion because the thought of taking it again really was funny, in a graveyard humor sort of way, and in a way that had Noble almost forgetting that he hadn’t actually given Ford much context here, and that he didn’t particularly want to.
“I mean, I was trying to figure out if it messed with sleep, so — experiment successful, I’m not a fan of fainting, don’t need to test that again,” Noble said.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Fortitude Greengrass - April 4, 2021
The sound of Noble’s laughter at a moment like this hurt more than any words could have. Ford didn’t typically get very externally emotional about these things — like his brother, he tended to poke fun at the macabre instead of taking it as seriously as he should — but this moment was an exception. His throat was tight and his chest still felt empty and Ford thought there was a very real possibility that he might cry, despite the fact that he hadn’t cried around someone else since he was twelve.
“It’s not funny,” he asserted quietly. As he spoke he curled in on himself, arms wrapped around his chest as though he could hold himself inside his body. “You could’ve died.”
And yes, presumably Noble knew that, if he’d done this to himself, but Ford wasn’t sure whether or not he really understood. How final it would have been, and how alone Ford would have been without him.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Noble Greengrass - April 4, 2021
Noble’s little smile dropped as Ford curled towards himself, and he frowned instead, eyebrows drawing together in confusion. He wanted to walk across the room to do — something, hug Ford maybe, although he wasn’t sure that was right, but if he couldn’t stand on his own weight that was just going to make this worse.
“What? No,” Noble said, “That was never going to kill me.” He knew his own size and dosage, if it hadn’t killed Mrs. Crouch then the potion was certainly not going to kill him — inconvenience him, sure, but it wasn’t going to kill him. Sure, he had overdone it this time, but that just meant something was spectacularly wrong with the potion — not that he’d tread any closer to the line between life and death tonight.
There was maybe something of a teenage boy with a new broomstick to him, some childish sense that nothing that bad could really happen to him, that he was too smart for the consequences other people stumbled into. Hubris, or just the strength of his own convictions, the same thing that kept him convinced that things would work out with Daffy — that was going to be fine, and he was going to be fine, because he had to be. The potion was never going to kill him, because that would have been in defiance of everything he thought was true about potions.
“What? No,” Noble said, “That was never going to kill me.” He knew his own size and dosage, if it hadn’t killed Mrs. Crouch then the potion was certainly not going to kill him — inconvenience him, sure, but it wasn’t going to kill him. Sure, he had overdone it this time, but that just meant something was spectacularly wrong with the potion — not that he’d tread any closer to the line between life and death tonight.
There was maybe something of a teenage boy with a new broomstick to him, some childish sense that nothing that bad could really happen to him, that he was too smart for the consequences other people stumbled into. Hubris, or just the strength of his own convictions, the same thing that kept him convinced that things would work out with Daffy — that was going to be fine, and he was going to be fine, because he had to be. The potion was never going to kill him, because that would have been in defiance of everything he thought was true about potions.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Fortitude Greengrass - April 4, 2021
Ford blinked (his eyes were wet at the corners so he shouldn't blink; that was dangerous) and tried to reconcile this with what Noble had said a moment ago. He hadn't even really processed that bit about sleep, because he'd been too wounded by the way Noble had laughed, but now he tried to backtrack to it, piece it all together in a way that made sense. He pressed the heel of one hand to the corner of one eye, then the other, trying to get rid of the water there in a way that Noble might not see. Maybe he'd interpret that gesture as weariness instead of what it was.
"What do you mean, experiment?" he asked, because try as he might he simply couldn't fit that word into this new reality that had opened itself like the maw of a hungry animal when Noble had confessed he did this to himself. "What was it supposed to do?"
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Noble Greengrass - April 4, 2021
Ah, fuck. Noble pushed his fingers through his hair again — they were well past any attempts he could make to be presentable, this was an acceptable loss — and swallowed. He could admit this to his friends who were potioneers, or even the occasional healer, but he suspected it wouldn’t go over as well with people who didn’t get it.
“Sometimes,” Noble started, shifting in his chair to straighten a little, as if to bolster his own qualifications to say this. He talked fast to get it all out, ready to follow up with the justification, and was watching Ford carefully to try to gauge his reaction. “Sometimes when I suspect something’s not right, with a potion? I test it on myself. An incredibly small dose, it’s not enough to do anything, just to make sure.”
“Sometimes,” Noble started, shifting in his chair to straighten a little, as if to bolster his own qualifications to say this. He talked fast to get it all out, ready to follow up with the justification, and was watching Ford carefully to try to gauge his reaction. “Sometimes when I suspect something’s not right, with a potion? I test it on myself. An incredibly small dose, it’s not enough to do anything, just to make sure.”
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Fortitude Greengrass - April 4, 2021
Ford watched Noble speak, impassive. Externally, anyway. Internally, his mind was racing. He'd thought his brother was standing on the edge of a cliff a hundred miles away, and now he was being told he wasn't, he was just — stupid. Incredibly stupid. And Ford supposed that was better (it was better, so long as it was the truth and not a distraction from a confession Noble now regretted making) but it didn't sound like it was the first time this had happened. Despite what he'd said earlier about this not happening again, Noble's tone also didn't particularly imply this would be the last time, either.
"Not enough to do anything," he repeated, voice dry and incredulous. "Except make you pass out over dinner."
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Noble Greengrass - April 4, 2021
He wished he could tell what Ford was thinking, exactly, but his only indicator was his brother’s tone. Which wasn’t good, surely, but if Ford was angry then maybe he would be a little less convinced that Noble was going to die.
“Yeah, well,” Noble said, pressing his hand against his forehead. He sounded a little raw, a little frustrated — more emotive than he had so far. “Evidently I’ve fucked up, this time.”
What he could not do — what he very much was planning on not doing — was tell Ford anything about Mrs. Crouch, because Noble still hadn’t ruled out the possibility of her husband suing him. And a lawyer was so far outside of the realm of affordability that Noble couldn’t entertain the thought for longer than a few seconds.
“Yeah, well,” Noble said, pressing his hand against his forehead. He sounded a little raw, a little frustrated — more emotive than he had so far. “Evidently I’ve fucked up, this time.”
What he could not do — what he very much was planning on not doing — was tell Ford anything about Mrs. Crouch, because Noble still hadn’t ruled out the possibility of her husband suing him. And a lawyer was so far outside of the realm of affordability that Noble couldn’t entertain the thought for longer than a few seconds.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Fortitude Greengrass - April 4, 2021
Ford was watching Noble so closely because he wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him. He needed to know what was actually going on here, and he wasn’t confident that he could trust Noble to tell him, so he had to piece it together himself. Was his brother suicidal, or suicidally stupid? The rawness in his voice as he answered tipped the scales in favor of the latter, and Ford let out a long breath. He was angry, because this was dumb, but he was relieved, too. This was stupid but not unfixably stupid, and it was easier for Ford to believe that Noble had been doing something stupid for a while without Ford noticing than it was to wrestle with the idea that he might have been sinking into despair without Ford noticing.
(There was still a chance that this was just a cover, though, because Noble had admitted to something and then immediately regretted it; there was a chance that he’d picked up on the way Ford had reacted and wanted to back out. And maybe Ford put too much on his brother and maybe he couldn’t handle all of this — not that Ford was handling it all like a champion, but it was his job, due to his position in the family, and Noble shouldn’t have to shoulder it with him — and maybe Noble couldn’t handle shouldering it with him. Maybe it had been irresponsible of Ford to think he could).
(And maybe it wasn’t a cover but it also wasn’t the whole truth. Maybe Noble did do this regularly and maybe this had been an accident, but maybe his hand had slipped a little in a way that Noble might have cared about had the circumstances been different. Maybe he was being more reckless than he should have, because deep down some part of him was thinking well, so what if it goes wrong? So what if I die? It could have been there without Noble even looking it in the face, and if it was then this could happen again, whether he made promises about it tonight or not).
Ford shifted his eyes to his drink, watching the light reflect off the surface of the alcohol. “So what was wrong with your potion?” he asked distantly. He wasn’t sure whether or not he needed to ask this, whether or not he cared, but it would buy him a second to think, at any rate. Because he needed to find a way to fix this — find a way to protect Noble moving forward, even if he was protecting him from himself — and right now he didn’t know how.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Noble Greengrass - April 4, 2021
Noble sighed, even though he was much more comfortable talking about the science of it than engaging in risk-analysis of his behavior with his brother. “Well, it was definitely a lot stronger than it should have been, by rights,” he said, tilting his head as he thought about it. Before today, he’d half-thought that maybe this whole thing was somehow caused by Mrs. Crouch’s pregnancy — but no, he’d definitely poisoned her.
“But I brewed it the way everyone brews it, nothing inventive. Which makes me think that one of the ingredients has gone off a bit?” he said; he was definitely thinking out loud, now, and tapped his thumb to the top of his forefinger as he did. “Which doesn’t make sense either. I guess it could be cross-contamination. I store things carefully, but — there has to be something there.” He shrugged. “It’s a Draught of Peace, right, it’s supposed to make you more relaxed — a few of the ingredients there can be a little delicate. It has to be one of those, I just don’t know how it can have gone off.”
Valerian root, moonstone powder, hellebore — all of them could be hard to predict. It could have been something as simple as a vial not being fully sealed, but he would have caught that — so there was something else at play, and Noble was determined to get to the bottom of it.
He shifted in his seat. “I’ll have to get into the literature and talk to one of my healer friends, see if they’ve experienced something similar. But that’s what I’m thinking. Sorry, that’s a lot more information than you asked for, isn’t it?”
“But I brewed it the way everyone brews it, nothing inventive. Which makes me think that one of the ingredients has gone off a bit?” he said; he was definitely thinking out loud, now, and tapped his thumb to the top of his forefinger as he did. “Which doesn’t make sense either. I guess it could be cross-contamination. I store things carefully, but — there has to be something there.” He shrugged. “It’s a Draught of Peace, right, it’s supposed to make you more relaxed — a few of the ingredients there can be a little delicate. It has to be one of those, I just don’t know how it can have gone off.”
Valerian root, moonstone powder, hellebore — all of them could be hard to predict. It could have been something as simple as a vial not being fully sealed, but he would have caught that — so there was something else at play, and Noble was determined to get to the bottom of it.
He shifted in his seat. “I’ll have to get into the literature and talk to one of my healer friends, see if they’ve experienced something similar. But that’s what I’m thinking. Sorry, that’s a lot more information than you asked for, isn’t it?”
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Fortitude Greengrass - April 4, 2021
Ford pursed his lips tightly as he listened. None of this meant much of anything to him, so he was more reacting to Noble’s tone than his words. He was so casual about it, as though they were discussing something in a hypothetical abstract scenario and not a thing that had just made Ford (and the whole family) think he was about to die. And the reference to Noble’s healer friends had him frowning, too. Yeah, healer friends like Billy Darrow? That’ll help. That’ll get everything sorted straight away.
All of which was to say: he was not confident that Noble had as much of a handle on this as he thought he did.
“So what do you need?” he asked, shifting in his chair and uncurling himself a bit. He was transitioning from just trying to hold himself together into trying to solve things, so he needed better posture — he needed to feel as though he was capable and in charge, despite his lack of knowledge in the subject. “To make sure this doesn’t happen again? Do you need more space in your workshop, or more shelves, or what?” He had latched on to this idea of cross-contamination, because that seemed more solvable (or at least more immediately understandable) than discussions of potion ingredients that Ford didn’t really understand.
RE: I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell - Noble Greengrass - April 4, 2021
Noble hummed as he considered. “I need to isolate the potential offenders,” he said, “But I can just do that in a drawer, or something. And I’ll need to hunt down the ingredients that can amplify a potion — I don’t really play around with those, they’re sort of volatile, but I keep them around if I need them. So I suppose I should check on them.” There were a few potions they could be useful in. Noble never would have mixed them with one of these ingredients, but maybe one had spilled or — something. He couldn’t rule it out.
This was easier to process if he thought about it as a puzzle he could solve, rather than as a mistake he had made.
“Then I just figure out which of the three it is.” Which would probably involve more sampling, but Noble had a sense that that was a sore subject at the moment. He leaned back in his chair. “So it’ll all be fine.”
This was easier to process if he thought about it as a puzzle he could solve, rather than as a mistake he had made.
“Then I just figure out which of the three it is.” Which would probably involve more sampling, but Noble had a sense that that was a sore subject at the moment. He leaned back in his chair. “So it’ll all be fine.”