This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Printable Version
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This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Valerian Macnair - March 7, 2021
February 28th, 1891 — Macnair Home, Inverness-shire
Months had passed since the beginning of Macmillan's courtship of his cousin, and there had not yet been any attempt to make a proposal (at least, not any proposal that he'd been made aware of).
Valerian was not all that eager to see his cousin married off, if only because he'd decided that—apart from his general attractiveness—Mr. Macmillan had nothing to bring to the family apart except the ability to turn Tatiana into a married woman. He knew his cousin well enough to see that his Ministry credentials were probably appealing, but Valerian thought they were less so.
But if Tatiana was no more impressed than he, what did she see in him?
He ought not to care so much, but Mother did care—and as it went, Valerian tended to care very much about what his mother thought. He sought her advice, her wisdom, her approval, and now that meant taking an interest in his cousin's thought process that he normally would not think twice about.
As most days now went in Inverness-shire, Valerian had settling into the warmed drawing room as the cold rain droplets pattered against the windows, his cousin seated opposite of him on the loveseat.
"A penny for your thoughts, Tatiana," he said, disrupting the silence.
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Tatiana Macnair - March 13, 2021
A fortnight had passed since Tatiana had tricked a kiss from Charles Macmillan, and yet, though she had been as plain as she could possibly get away with about the opportunities he might be afforded, still the gentleman had not made her an offer of marriage. Tatiana had been generous regarding the long courtship, but if her lips on his and the thought of her body beneath his could not be relied upon to spur Mr. Macmillan into action, the debutante was beginning to wonder if he would ever get his damn act together.
Her needlework sat in her lap largely ignored, her gaze focused out the window as she ran through alternative means of attack. She could, of course, still move her sights to Mr. Rosier, but Tatiana had put a great deal of time into her current arrangement and would loathe to lose it altogether. She had thought, at first, that she might arouse jealousy in Mr. Macmillan, but plainly arousal was not working as it ought to. Risking her virtue to trap him into marriage seemed both far too risky and likely start their marriage off on less than desirable footing.
Which left her with simply waiting. Tatiana Lestrange was not a woman who enjoyed waiting for things to happ—
"Hmm?" she asked, drawn from her reverie by her cousin's voice. It took her a moment to process Valerian's words before she answered, "I like to think my thoughts to be far more valuable than a penny—a sickle, at the very least."
A small, teasing smile accompanied her words.
Her needlework sat in her lap largely ignored, her gaze focused out the window as she ran through alternative means of attack. She could, of course, still move her sights to Mr. Rosier, but Tatiana had put a great deal of time into her current arrangement and would loathe to lose it altogether. She had thought, at first, that she might arouse jealousy in Mr. Macmillan, but plainly arousal was not working as it ought to. Risking her virtue to trap him into marriage seemed both far too risky and likely start their marriage off on less than desirable footing.
Which left her with simply waiting. Tatiana Lestrange was not a woman who enjoyed waiting for things to happ—
"Hmm?" she asked, drawn from her reverie by her cousin's voice. It took her a moment to process Valerian's words before she answered, "I like to think my thoughts to be far more valuable than a penny—a sickle, at the very least."
A small, teasing smile accompanied her words.
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Valerian Macnair - March 17, 2021
Valerian returned her smile, though it was not as genuine or warm as he intended. His eyes were on her hands, and his mind was on his mother's words from the day in the greenhouse. Mother knew Tatiana better than any of them; she had raised her as a daughter and had treated her as such, even showing her preference over her own sons at time. Why would she not know what Tatiana wanted? But then - it could just as easily be a case of wishful thinking.
"If I paid a sickle for each thought I asked of you, I'm afraid I'd be out a week's worth of pay by the end of our conversation," he responded, his smile deepening ever so slightly. He did not wait for her response before continuing, as the banter might distract from the point he wished to make.
"Mr. Macmillan," he began, the name leaving him slowly, cautiously, "has not yet expressed his intentions to father yet." That was a fact; mother had said as much, and there was no way Eustace Macnair could get away with hiding such a detail from his wife. "But I am curious as to whether he's expressed them to you."
"If I paid a sickle for each thought I asked of you, I'm afraid I'd be out a week's worth of pay by the end of our conversation," he responded, his smile deepening ever so slightly. He did not wait for her response before continuing, as the banter might distract from the point he wished to make.
"Mr. Macmillan," he began, the name leaving him slowly, cautiously, "has not yet expressed his intentions to father yet." That was a fact; mother had said as much, and there was no way Eustace Macnair could get away with hiding such a detail from his wife. "But I am curious as to whether he's expressed them to you."
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Tatiana Macnair - March 19, 2021
For a moment, Tatiana was taken aback to hear Valerian cut to the chase so plainly, but it was a welcome surprise. What was less welcome was that Charles Macmillan, in spite of what had passed between them on St. Valentine's day, had not uttered a word of intention towards Uncle Eustace.
More waiting.
Tatiana pursed her lips in displeasure, not bothering to hide her reaction from her cousin.
"He has," she answered slowly, carefully. At least, she thought he had. 'It is in the nature of such things'—meaning their present circumstances—'to change,' he had said. Tatiana Lestrange was not so stupid that she could not read subtext. "Though not in a way that could be deemed too forward."
Or forward at all. Practically backward, at this point. Damn.
More waiting.
Tatiana pursed her lips in displeasure, not bothering to hide her reaction from her cousin.
"He has," she answered slowly, carefully. At least, she thought he had. 'It is in the nature of such things'—meaning their present circumstances—'to change,' he had said. Tatiana Lestrange was not so stupid that she could not read subtext. "Though not in a way that could be deemed too forward."
Or forward at all. Practically backward, at this point. Damn.
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Valerian Macnair - March 19, 2021
They were inching towards the point Valerian wished to make, but first he felt compelled to mentally check off every box in his head before reaching it. Mr. Macmillan had not made his intentions known to father, but he had—in a vague, unsatisfactory way, if her face was any indication—to Tatty.
"And I take it that you - desire for him to act on these intentions?" However unclear they were. That was his second step: ensure Tatty actually wished to marry Mr. Macmillan. It seemed like a given, but perhaps Tatty was more concerned about being a married woman more so than she worried about which man's name she took.
"And I take it that you - desire for him to act on these intentions?" However unclear they were. That was his second step: ensure Tatty actually wished to marry Mr. Macmillan. It seemed like a given, but perhaps Tatty was more concerned about being a married woman more so than she worried about which man's name she took.
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Tatiana Macnair - March 20, 2021
"I am not suited to the life of an eccentric spinster," Tatiana remarked frankly. Indeed, her true nature was likewise not suited to the life of a vapid society darling—she would be Lady Macbeth (sans decline into insanity) or she would be nothing. "Mr. MacMillan is perfectly situated to meet the expectations I hold for a potential husband, and he is enjoyable company besides."
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Valerian Macnair - March 20, 2021
"No," he murmured, one corner of his lips lifting slightly into a half-smile, "I don't think you would at all."
The situation seemed as such thus far: Tatiana was an ageing debutante, very much wanted to be a married woman, and Mr. Macmillan provided pleasant company and fit her expectations. It seemed contrary to his mother's suggestion that Mr. Macmillan was not quite up to par with what she'd expected for Tatiana's future husband, and was now what Valerian intended to fixate on for the next minute.
"Mother thinks differently," he responded, intending it as a joke. It did not come out that way, though, as he was far too focused on her expression to worry about the tone of his voice. "Not in regards to his pleasantness—" Although that was also suspect. He wondered how Tatiana found good company in a man so uptight. "—but rather suited to meet expectations."
The situation seemed as such thus far: Tatiana was an ageing debutante, very much wanted to be a married woman, and Mr. Macmillan provided pleasant company and fit her expectations. It seemed contrary to his mother's suggestion that Mr. Macmillan was not quite up to par with what she'd expected for Tatiana's future husband, and was now what Valerian intended to fixate on for the next minute.
"Mother thinks differently," he responded, intending it as a joke. It did not come out that way, though, as he was far too focused on her expression to worry about the tone of his voice. "Not in regards to his pleasantness—" Although that was also suspect. He wondered how Tatiana found good company in a man so uptight. "—but rather suited to meet expectations."
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Tatiana Macnair - March 20, 2021
Tatiana blinked—she had not realized Mariana held such a view, or perhaps had been willfully ignorant to it. Regardless, this information took a moment to process.
"My expectations," the witch questioned, "or her own?"
And if the latter was the case, where did the two diverge?
"My expectations," the witch questioned, "or her own?"
And if the latter was the case, where did the two diverge?
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Valerian Macnair - March 20, 2021
Valerian blinked. "Both, I think," he responded, a beat passing before he decided it would be best to elaborate. "She believes you would be settling by marrying him—and that you have made the conscious decision to settle."
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Tatiana Macnair - March 20, 2021
"If Uncle Eustace wasn't so used to having boys," she countered, irritation showing, "I would not need to settle; he would have made the appropriate arrangements, and I would have married years ago."
She might even have been widowed already like Ingrid, free to explore the world on her own terms without being branded a failure in the eyes of society. Even a tedious husband could be remedied if one was confident enough to live life with a dead one.
"Mr. Macmillan is not, I will allow, the most illustrious match, but he is not a bad match either. I could do a great deal worse."
She might even have been widowed already like Ingrid, free to explore the world on her own terms without being branded a failure in the eyes of society. Even a tedious husband could be remedied if one was confident enough to live life with a dead one.
"Mr. Macmillan is not, I will allow, the most illustrious match, but he is not a bad match either. I could do a great deal worse."
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Valerian Macnair - March 20, 2021
Valerian gave a sympathetic smile, but found it emboldening—however briefly—that mother seemed right about that, at least. Tatiana did not want to marry Charles Macmillan because she felt he was the best; she was marrying him because he was the best at the moment and she was unwilling to wait.
"And if a better match presented itself...?" He repositioned himself in his chair, leaning forward slightly to look at her face better.
"And if a better match presented itself...?" He repositioned himself in his chair, leaning forward slightly to look at her face better.
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Tatiana Macnair - March 20, 2021
Tatiana raised her eyebrows—it seemed an unlikely occurrance at this point.
"Then it ought to do so swiftly."
"Then it ought to do so swiftly."
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Valerian Macnair - March 20, 2021
Valerian felt his heart skip a beat, his mother's sentiments echoing in his head. There was no way to tell how true his mother's beliefs were without asking directly—and doing so would only make him appear insecure.
He was not.
"Marry me then, Tatiana," he said quietly, his tone measured.
He was not.
"Marry me then, Tatiana," he said quietly, his tone measured.
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Tatiana Macnair - March 20, 2021
The proposal—for that is what it was, in every sense of the world—took Tatiana aback, and she remained silent for several long moments, not wanting to react in any fashion until she had truly considered the weight of it.
It would have been the easiest thing in the world to say yes.
She would no longer be a Lestrange, of course, but that opportunity had left the table the day Claudius had married. She would be a proper Macnair, would bear at last the surname of the household that had raised her. Not only that, but she would be the wife of an heir, a firstborn son, set to inherit the accounts and properties that had been passed through the family for generations. There would be no mother-in-law to impress, only her own maternal figure, with whom she was already incredibly close.
Of course she had thought of it, over the years; no young girl could grow up surrounded by male cousins and not ponder the possibility of marrying one. Valerian would not make a bad husband by any stretch. Indeed, Tatiana was certain that, for the right woman, he would make a good husband. She could be settled at last, could have the uncertainty removed from her life and proceed as though she hadn't remained on the shelf for two years longer than she should have. Tatiana knew that Valerian would give her comfort and security.
But would he—could he—give her advancement, give her power?
What's more, did he even want her or merely to appease a mother who no doubt had been angling for the match for years?
"I am fond of you, Valerian," she voiced at last, the corners of her mouth quirking upward in the ghost of a smile, "but do you truly believe we would find happiness together?"
It was not a refusal, but it was a far cry from acceptance.
It would have been the easiest thing in the world to say yes.
She would no longer be a Lestrange, of course, but that opportunity had left the table the day Claudius had married. She would be a proper Macnair, would bear at last the surname of the household that had raised her. Not only that, but she would be the wife of an heir, a firstborn son, set to inherit the accounts and properties that had been passed through the family for generations. There would be no mother-in-law to impress, only her own maternal figure, with whom she was already incredibly close.
Of course she had thought of it, over the years; no young girl could grow up surrounded by male cousins and not ponder the possibility of marrying one. Valerian would not make a bad husband by any stretch. Indeed, Tatiana was certain that, for the right woman, he would make a good husband. She could be settled at last, could have the uncertainty removed from her life and proceed as though she hadn't remained on the shelf for two years longer than she should have. Tatiana knew that Valerian would give her comfort and security.
But would he—could he—give her advancement, give her power?
What's more, did he even want her or merely to appease a mother who no doubt had been angling for the match for years?
"I am fond of you, Valerian," she voiced at last, the corners of her mouth quirking upward in the ghost of a smile, "but do you truly believe we would find happiness together?"
It was not a refusal, but it was a far cry from acceptance.
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Valerian Macnair - March 20, 2021
Valerian would have expected to find himself uneasy at the long pause between his proposal and her answer, but he found it - relieving, almost. The words left his mouth, but the magnitude of them had yet to sink in even to him. He was proposing marriage—and to Tatiana, no less, whose opinion would hold meaning in his and his family's life no matter what her answer might be. It had not dawned on him that he would fear outright rejection, but as the moments went on he begin to do just that. It was not a fear that she did not want him, but rather the fear that, somehow, she found the stuffy Macmillan more appealing than him. It was nothing a man wanted to hear.
Her answer was more of a non-answer, but it provided plenty of room for reasoning, which he supposed was the best he could ask for apart from direct acceptance.
"I believe," he began, with a brief pause of his own, seeking a concise but impactful explanation that might sway her, "that I have long based my expectations for a wife on what I see in you." It was not a lie; when he envisioned himself marrying anyone, it was a woman like Tatiana. Whether it was because she is what he desired in a woman or merely the proximity to her, he was not sure, but it was all too easy to see Tatiana as Mrs. Tatiana Macnair, especially since his mother had planted the idea in his head. "—and that to allow you to marry Macmillan without expressing those sentiments would cause me a great deal of regret." This was less true. Valerian would not be heartbroken to see Tatiana married off to Macmillan, but the thought of sharing a dinner table with the man again and again and again for the rest of their lives was enough to prompt a second proposal if she refused.
Her answer was more of a non-answer, but it provided plenty of room for reasoning, which he supposed was the best he could ask for apart from direct acceptance.
"I believe," he began, with a brief pause of his own, seeking a concise but impactful explanation that might sway her, "that I have long based my expectations for a wife on what I see in you." It was not a lie; when he envisioned himself marrying anyone, it was a woman like Tatiana. Whether it was because she is what he desired in a woman or merely the proximity to her, he was not sure, but it was all too easy to see Tatiana as Mrs. Tatiana Macnair, especially since his mother had planted the idea in his head. "—and that to allow you to marry Macmillan without expressing those sentiments would cause me a great deal of regret." This was less true. Valerian would not be heartbroken to see Tatiana married off to Macmillan, but the thought of sharing a dinner table with the man again and again and again for the rest of their lives was enough to prompt a second proposal if she refused.
RE: This Is Everything I Never Wanted - Tatiana Macnair - March 20, 2021
His words certainly struck a chord, and Tatiana was silent for another long moment before she answered.
"Allow me to think on it?" she asked, eyes meeting his own.
"Allow me to think on it?" she asked, eyes meeting his own.