Peace of Mind - Printable Version
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Peace of Mind - Fallon Gillespie - October 20, 2020
October 9th, 1890 — London
The evening following Jesse's impromptu visit found Fallon curled up on the sofa with a glass of whiskey and a stack of case files taken home to continue processing after the quiet office became too much to bear. Despite the temporary comfort her lover had provided, she still felt overwhelmingly guilty over her behavior. Sleeping with Lachlan had been a lust driven mistake and promising to stay was infuriatingly cruel when her heart was as conflicted as it was. That she'd had no reply was even more telling. Lachlan was as long to her as she feared he would be all along.
She took a heavy sip of her whiskey and read through another page before the glow of the fireplace warned her of someone's appearance. For a moment, Fallon thought it might be Jesse, but realized it couldn't be. He was working late, she thought, or on call. She didn't quite remember which. Sinking back down onto the sofa, Fallon sighed and watched as Malou entered the flat. "Hey," she greeted easily with a wave of her glass. "You're home late. Everything okay?"
RE: Peace of Mind - Marie-Louise Prewett - October 20, 2020
The hospital had been busy today leaving Malou bustling around injuried patients until much later than her shift should have been. She was exhausted, but at least she felt most of the patients had been handled. In the back of her mind she also knew that no one would be able to critique her for not having as much energy as a man did in her position. But as she traveled home through the green flames Malou could feel the bone weariness of a long day settling in.
Stepping out of their she wished for nothing more than to snuggle into her blankets and fall to sleep. But her grumbling stomach and the appearance of Fallon on the couch cut such dreams short. With their schedules as they had been Malou hadn’t had a chance to speak with Fallon about Mr. Hatchitt and how ending things had gone, she could only presume that the note Fallon had left her last night had been about that, but a glance at her friend’s face spoke more of peace than of the confusion and guilt she had been harboring the last time they spoke of it. No matter how weary Malou knew she had to be a good friend first.
“Hey.” She greeted doing nothing to disguise the exhaustion. “Just busy.” She brushed it away as she shrugged out of her healers robes and dropped them on a nearby chair, leaving herself in her chemise and nothing else. Having shared a dorm with Fallon for well over a decade such a state of undress did nothing to embarrass Malou. She grabbed a knit shawl and wrapped it around her shoulders as plopped out in a chair to take her shoes off.
“Have you eaten yet?” Knowing Fallon there was a very good chance that she hadn’t as Malou hadn’t made anything not anticipating being at work so late.
RE: Peace of Mind - Fallon Gillespie - October 20, 2020
She paid no mind to Malou's undressing. The pair had shared a space for so long that Fallon was certain she had seen it all at one point or another. Instead, she reached over to the second empty glass on the table and poured Malou a drink of her own. Long days were drinking days, at least in Fallon's mind.
"There's some leftovers on the counter, I picked them up on the way home from work." An ample serving was left for Malou of the chicken dish, as always when the non-chef of the pair sourced dinner. Fallon might not be a cook, but she made enough to comfortably buy dinner at least once a week. Although, now that she might have a marriage in her future she wondered just how much she ought to be squirreling away.
RE: Peace of Mind - Marie-Louise Prewett - October 20, 2020
“Thank you.” Malou murmured gratefully. The last thing she had really truly wanted to do was to make supper. She padded into the kitchen and returned with the food on a tray which she placed on a side table, it was perhaps the most informal manner in which Malou ever ate.
A quick warming spell and Malou was quite content to sit in her chair and eat. Except that there was something she she should discuss with Fallon. “How did the conversation with Mr. Hatchitt go?” Malou asked over her glass of whiskey. While she preferred wine years with Fallon had developed a taste for whiskey as well - a fact which would have likely mortified her mother and entertained her father.
RE: Peace of Mind - Fallon Gillespie - October 20, 2020
For a second, Fallon wondered why Malou was asking in such a serious tone. Yes, she had asked Jesse to come over in a more serious manner than she might've liked, but they were going to be alright in the end. Better than alright, really, since they were on the same page now regarding marriage. (Fallon rather thought they'd be engaged by Christmas, a frightening but exciting prospect.) However, she then realized she hadn't informed Malou of the change yet and flushed from her head to her toes.
"About that," she murmured through her embarrassment. "I went to his new flat to tell him I'd chosen Lachlan the other night, and he knew I had before I really said anything." Her flush deepened then. The whiskey bottle breaking, their emotional but passionate sex. The confessions later that evening. Merlin, how had she not told Malou yet? "We, erm." Malou knew about her night with Lachlan, and now Fallon was a hussy sleeping with every man who professed his love for her.
Taking a sip of her whiskey, Fallon set the portfolio on the side table and pulled the nearby pillow into her chest. "I love him," she confessed instead. "And he loves me."
RE: Peace of Mind - Marie-Louise Prewett - October 21, 2020
One moment Fallon looked relaxed on the couch the next she had turned bright red. Surely she hadn’t expected that Malou wouldn’t ask about Mr. Hatchitt? Especially in the state they had last talked about him. She knew that Fallon had taken her advice (finally) and waited a few days after speaking with Lachlan, but they seemed to have missed each other since then.
Malou nodded as Fallon began, taking dainty bites of chicken as she listened. As Fallon spoke she turned a deeper red, worrying Malou. “You?” Malou gently prompted, tilting her head slightly to the side in encouragement.
During all their discussions Malou had suspected that the two loved each other. She knew Mr. Hatchitt’s fondness for Fallon and her’s for him. Of the two men she had rather suspected that Mr. Hatchitt would be the better of the two for her. But it was Fallon’s choice not Malou’s. Now it seemed that Fallon had come to the same conclusion as Malou, but that still left the other question. “And what of Mr. MacFusty?” She asked gently, setting her fork aside and watching Fallon with a careful eye.
RE: Peace of Mind - Fallon Gillespie - October 21, 2020
Grateful Malou changed the subject back to Lachlan, Fallon ignored the subtle question entirely. There were a great many things about Fallon's life and class that Malou tolerated, but being a hussy likely wasn't among them. Her deep blush faded into pink cheeks and she dropped her eyes to the pillow. Lachlan deserved better, and whatever happiness she was to obtain with Jesse would always be tainted by this moment
She sighed. "I wrote him a letter explaining." A horribly sad letter, really. Deeply apologetic and pathetic. "After everything...all the back and forth -" and the sex, "- I didn't trust myself to tell him in person." Jesse had called her human, Fallon still thought of herself as endlessly cruel. A letter. She had promised to stay and ended it in a letter. "That was why Jess visited last night."
RE: Peace of Mind - Marie-Louise Prewett - October 21, 2020
“Oh.” That Malou had not expected. It appeared that Mr. Hatchitt would be a more frequent visitor then. Although had Fallon stated she would see Mr. MacFusty in person again Malou felt things might have gone rather differently altogether.
“And are you alright?” Malou asked, concern evident in her voice.
RE: Peace of Mind - Fallon Gillespie - October 21, 2020
"I don't know," she answered honestly. There were some moments where the relief and excitement overpowered the grief and guilt of harming Lachlan. There were others where the decision weighed so heavily on Fallon she thought she might suffocate under its weight. In time she was sure she would be fine, but for now it all remained a work in progress still.
She took another drink of her whiskey and tried to summon a way to explain her thoughts without sounding ridiculous. Jesse had understood, but he was involved in the mess. Malou might not understand as well, and if there was one thing Fallon couldn't bear right now it was Malou's disappointment. "Jesse and I ... we work in a way Lachlan and I never did. Even when we fought it wasn't, I don't know, it wasn't because he was shutting me out or misunderstanding. I just wish I'd been able to spare Lachlan in the midst."
RE: Peace of Mind - Marie-Louise Prewett - November 10, 2020
It hurt to hear that Fallon was not alright, however expected the words might have been. But the thought that Malou would not be able to heal this hurt stung. As a friend she wanted nothing more than to see Fallon happy, to see her unharmed, and with no regrets. Despite that Malou knew that was not an option in this situation. Fallon had deep ties with both men and asking her to choose between them was akin to inflicting a deep wound on herself. The only thing she could hope for was that the wound would not fester and grow an infection, that Fallon would be able to look back on her decision and know it was the right for her. Because at the end of the day that was what mattered to Malou. Not if it was Mr. MacFusty or Mr. Hachitt that Fallon would end up with. "Perhaps in time." Malou said gently, "But I'm here no matter what." For whatever support Fallon might need, Malou would always be there. After all Fallon was all she had left to call family.
As Fallon explained Malou nodded. She had always rather thought what tied Fallon to Mr. MacFusty was situational rather than temperaments. Mr. Hatchitt, while he hadn't experience quite the same traumatizing events, had experienced from the other side - from the side Malou had been left on. In the past days that Fallon had tried to make her decision Malou had often thought of Mr. Hatchitt's obvious care for Fallon and that was before he had even met her past pen and paper - well hardly had met her. It had endeared him to Malou. The stories she had heard of Mr. MacFusty when they arrived back had not had the same charm as the ones with Mr. Hatchitt, but of course Malou could admit that she had become biased about the matter.
Malou took a sip of her own whiskey, allowing the liquid a moment to trail warmly down her throat before speaking. "I don't think he could have been spared." She started gently, setting her drink and meal aside to sit at Fallon's feet on the couch. "But I agree." Not just about Mr. MacFusty, but about it all. Malou placed a light hand on Fallon's knee.
RE: Peace of Mind - Fallon Gillespie - November 17, 2020
Had she known of Lachlan's feelings Fallon never would've allowed them to go unaddressed for as long as they had. The emotional conversation would have happened months ago, perhaps even back when they were both still in the hospital or in the caves even. And then...well, she never would have gotten to know Jesse as well as she had. It was a sticky situation no matter how she looked at it, for Fallon wouldn't want to live her life without Jesse's involvement. But, now it meant living without Lachlan's.
She sighed and took a long sip of her whiskey. Lachlan could've been spared had either of them addressed their feelings sooner. He could've been spared had Fallon not sought him out after the world cup. There were countless ways in which she could've avoided hurting him, but it was over now. There were no time turners nearby to go back and alter their course. All Fallon had left to do was live with the consequences.
"What a mess," she admitted at last. "I liked our lives better before I got involved with men."
RE: Peace of Mind - Marie-Louise Prewett - November 17, 2020
Fallon's comment illicited a surprised laugh from her friend. "I did too." Malou admitted, leaning back into the couch and reaching for her own glass of whiskey. She tucked her knees up no the couch as she considered it more fully. Before the JP letter and the Quidditch World cup she had almost felt it was her and Fallon against the world indefinitely. The two women married to their careers and content with their lives in the small flat they shared. Perhaps they could have kept living like that if Fallon's letter had gone or the original recipient instead of Mr. Hatchitt, perhaps it might have continued that way if Fallon hadn't struck up a converstaion with Mr. MacFusty during a case on a train. But one day they both knew that something would have happened like this. Fallon had always made friends with men, had always been willing to look at them more than Malou had. While Malou was content to continue as they had been, to live their lives as working spinsters, the crazy unmarried aunts so to speak, part of her also realized it was different for Fallon.
Perhaps it was the difference in their upbringings, their cultures, or classes, but men had always meant different things to Fallon and Malou. Or at least Malou always suspected that was the case. For her a man meant marriage, meant a life of stuffy ballrooms and dull drawing rooms with little freedom beyond that. A man meant that her career was only a place holder until she could settle into the life of an upper class wife, content with the knowledge that her husband had a great deal of money to his name. For Fallon it didn't hold the same threat. Plenty of women from her background had gone on to hold positions, they didn't have to worry that marriage might spell the end of it all automatically. Instead there was more flexibility. Beyond the Bones family Malou was quite certain that there were no other healers among women in the ranks of upper society. Such things weren't done. But Malou had done it and the knowledge of that meant there was a great deal more to lose. That was most likely the reason it was so different for Fallon then for Malou. For Fallon there would always be the ability to converse easily with a man, for Malou it was layered in worries and societal expectations.
"Despite that, I suspect you would have gotten involved in men no matter how content you were." Malou teased gently, her blue eyes glancing up at Fallon with a forgiving smile on her lips. After all Fallon had never had an issue getting to know men. There was a whole slew of boys from school they knew, that Fallon kept in touch with. Whereas Malou only saw her patients. Even if one of them was an old school friend of Fallon's who had a nasty habit of ending up in Malou's care - but Mr. Fisk was an altogether separate matter entirely.
RE: Peace of Mind - Fallon Gillespie - November 22, 2020
The attraction Fallon felt for both Jesse and Lachlan was instantaneous. From the moment she met them she was intrigued, an invisible string bound her to both men as though they were always meant to be involved in one another's lives. Granted, Lachlan didn't know Jesse was the other man, but that was neither here nor there. Fallon met them and her life altered dramatically, and there was no universe in which she could have predicted such a change. There was no universe in which she would have asked for such a change, either, as the amount of grief their involvement caused her was nearly incapacitating.
"I don't know about that," Fallon laughed. She was, after all, friends with Atticus and had been for a decade despite his obvious attractiveness. There were also the countless men she worked with and none of them ever caused such a response within her. "I was happy before this summer. If not for that train ride...I think we would've continued on as was." That she met Jesse at the World Cup was almost destiny proving, once more, that he was it for her, but she wasn't about to contradict herself when trying to argue this point. "Men make for easier friendships, is all. I don't think I would've found myself in love with any of them without all the trials from August."
RE: Peace of Mind - Marie-Louise Prewett - November 27, 2020
Malou definitely disagreed but she was not so un-lady like that a snort would be a likely response, so instead she chuckled. A sound which after more than a decade of friendship Fallon would easily be able to identify as an amused dissent of Fallon's statement. "It wasn't only the train." She reminded her friend, an amused lilt to her lips as she ducked her gaze down to her glass and took a sip. "I seem to remember an encounter at the Quidditch World Cup, too." Her words bounced teasingly into the glass before her.
It was nice to return to this teasing tone of conversation when it came to boys. All too often lately their conversations had been serious. Layered with concern, hurt, anxiousness, and a whole slew of emotions that the girls did not often find themselves delving into. The last time Malou remembered a time when their conversations had been rift with such feelings had been the summer she had lost her parents. She had been lost then, torn between her ambitions and dreams and the duties and life she had known her family expected of her. Her godmother's involvement and her uncle's disapproval had colored even her most carefully plotted plans and left her feeling more unsure than she had ever felt about anything in her life. Looking back on those days after the past few months Malou realized how difficult it must have been for Fallon in those days, how much of a struggle she must have had trying to help Malou feel like herself again, trying to heal a hurt they both neither had experience or expectation of healing. It had been a trial then for Fallon, it dawned on Malou, just as this had been a trial for Malou. They could neither hold the hurt of the other nor mend it, but they could be there and show each other just how deep the bonds of their friendship went.
"Hey!" Malou objected swinging her gaze up from her glass and staring at her friend in mock disappointment. "Are you saying it is not easy being my friend?" She allowed her eyes to widen in disbelief and hurt, but her lips easily parted into a joking smile. Yes, it was nice to return to this, it seemed it had been much too long since they had allowed themselves such banter.
RE: Peace of Mind - Fallon Gillespie - November 27, 2020
Meeting Jesse at the World Cup felt like destiny reaffirming to her that he was the man meant to hold her heart. Their conversation had flowed so easily, even without the knowledge that they already knew so much about one another. Fallon often wondered what their relationship would've been like had she not gone missing. Would the letters have continued indefinitely? Would their face to face relationship have blossomed somehow as well? There was no way to know, but the fact that it was Jesse she kept bumping into just felt right.
"Perhaps," Fallon admitted. Even with meeting him at the World Cup, though, their conversation was cut short by Lachlan's bludger into the stand, much like how their relationship had gotten nearly ended with the former beater's confession. "No way to tell that we would've talked again after that, though. Neither of us knew who we really were back then." They were just JP and S then, Merlin she wished she could go back to it.
Malou's teasing made Fallon laugh in turn. "I think after this past year I'm the more difficult friend here."
RE: Peace of Mind - Marie-Louise Prewett - November 27, 2020
"I am quite certain," Malou began, "That JP and S would not have simply continued writing without wishing for and requesting to meet." While Malou had not been the one writing the letters, she had always held on to that thought, despite the fact that she would never have classified herself as a romantic. However, it seemed hard to think of it turning out any other way with the way Fallon had told her of the letters and the hasty back and forth that had come from it. Nor did it seem to Malou that Mr. Hatchitt would have allowed it to continue like that forever, given what she now knew his reaction had been when Fallon, or as he knew her in those days 'S', had disappeared. No, it only seemed natural that the two would have wanted to meet one day and then they might have fallen for each other with more ease and less confusion then had happened. Or it could have been that Fallon would have contined to run into Mr. MacFusty out and about and he might have stolen her heart in a less violent and more healthy way then he had. But given that Fallon had chosen Mr. Hatchitt and the pain of Mr. MacFusty was still very much lingering in the unspoken edges of their conversation Malou did not feel it prudent to mention this.
"You're the difficult friend?" Malou laughed. "Never." She shook her head, although she found she had a tough time finding a way to tease Fallon about it.
Instead she looked down at their couch, the soft fabric worn beneath them. She still remembered when her godfather had brought the couch to their flat for her. It wasn't the one that had been in her family's manor, the soft blue velvet with its gold embroidery was a staple of her childhood that she knew she would never obtain, but rather a soft emerald velvet that her godmother had insisted on giving her. It had once sat in the Bagshots' morning room before her godmother had conveniently decided to redecorate the summer that Malou had lost her parents. The fact that the project had been undertaken before Malou had announced her departure from the Bagshots' home had been the main reason she had accepted such charity, because she knew the couch would have left the room regardless and not just for her sake. The couch reminded Malou of the Slytherin common room though, and she had indulged in such decorating as her emphasis the connection in subtle ways. Knitting a blanket of silverish gray yarn entwined with a golden pattern to pull warm colors into the room. Indeed, it was sad to think that all her work to make it a home for the girls might soon vanish, that she had carefully tailored it to both their tastes' and their past might soon matter for little when Fallon eventually married and started a household of her own. What would Malou do then? Would she be content to live on her own, would she move back to Hosgmeade and the elegant house of the Bagshots' whose door she knew would always be open to her?
Malou realized a moment too late she had been quiet too long and shook herself from her reverie. "I should like to think that even if we are both difficult, our friendship is strong enough to handle it." She admitted, meeting Fallon's eyes as her gentle confession passed between them. She smiled softly, "Or perhaps," Here she found herself blushing a bit at the presumption as she knew Fallon had siblings and she did not, "It is more a sisterhood then a friendship." Oh how she sounded of the shy eleven year old who had just met Fallon with those words, but despite her own nerves, there was a truth to the words that had Marie-Louise's sky blue gaze pinned to Fallon's own gaze.