Here I go. There's no turning back.

Here I go. There's no turning back. - Printable Version

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Here I go. There's no turning back. - Billie Farrow - July 1, 2020

July 5th, 1890 — Ollivander's, Hogsmeade
'Now nothing feels the way it was before, and I don't know how to proceed.'
Gideon Ollivander

Today was the day, and all Billie wanted to do was skip it altogether.

She wasn’t to be found when Gideon opened up the shop, nor did she turn up for lunch or even supper for that matter. It was only when dusk started to make way into night that she appeared, shouldering her way through the door as if she were about to sink into the ground.

Her hair was an absolute rats nest, and her clothing sported a noticeable layer of extra dirt. Her boots were slung over one shoulder, bare feet so discolored that it almost looked as if she’d developed a sudden tan. Various leaves and twigs hitchhiked on her clothing, but she didn’t have cause to notice. Overall, Billie looked as if she’d been dragged behind a horse.

At first, she didn’t say anything to Gideon, just wandering past him to put her boots somewhere where they weren’t likely to muck up the floor. Though, her feet were just as filthy. In truth, she wasn’t sure how to even begin.

The past week had been rough. Billie’s good spirits after finding her wand had slowly dissolved into moodiness that only grew more and more insufferable as the days drew closer to the decision date. Poor Gideon had to bear several bouts of impatience that ended with the sort of snapping that only developed when someone was deep within their own mind. Depressed, she'd drawn away from some of her friends, preferring to be alone on her daily outings. She avoided Honeydukes altogether, and she'd even been extra terrible to Jimmy. They’d always teased one another and held a staunch rivalry, but this week was the first time she'd been outright malicious. She hoped he realized she was sorry.

Despite all the pondering and agonizing she'd done, Billie was no closer to what she considered to be the right answer. No matter what she decided, she was going to feel like she was pretending. But a choice needed to be made. They needed to know how to go forward, no matter how difficult that might be.

"Hello," she finally greeted, peeking up at Gideon.

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Gideon Ollivander - July 2, 2020

To say Gideon was worried about Billie would have been a dramatic understatement. Over the past week he'd watched her mood deteriorate without knowing what to do. He'd tried to bring up things that he thought would cheer her, but with little to no success... and no wonder, when literally any talk of the future, even the near future like the possibility of getting ice cream on the weekend, was framed by the uncertainty of their current situation, and the decision looming in the future. He'd agonized over whether to bring that up again, and had ultimately decided to wait for some sort of cue from her that she was ready to restart the conversation, which hadn't ever come.

He was keenly aware that today marked the end of the window he'd given her to make a decision, but based on her mood he was fully willing to extend it (against all empirical reasons that doing so was ill-advised). He'd been planning to tell her so, except — she was nowhere to be found. As the morning hours stretched on he started to wonder if she'd gotten it into her head somehow to run away, and it was only the fact that none of her belongings seemed to be missing from her room that kept him from frantically organizing a search party with Quincey Honeyduke.

When she finally did return, the state of her appearance made him do a double-take. With a good deal of effort, he refrained from saying anything until she'd spoken first, but it was impossible to keep his expression clear of emotion. He was disappointed — a little in her, he supposed, but mostly in himself, for letting things deteriorate so much that she'd felt she needed to disappear for a day rather than talk with him about what she was going through. He was worried, still, because he didn't know where she'd been or what she'd been doing, and while some amount of dirt and a few bruises were standard business for Billie, this was not. Most of all he was grieved, because it was obvious that she was struggling and he wished, more than anything, that he could have taken that burden off her shoulders. The fact that she was so obviously hurting wounded him, too, but there wasn't anything he could do to mend it; they just had to find a way to get through it and come out on the other side.

"Billie," he said in response, his tone blending all of those feelings while still attempting to maintain a veneer of normalcy.

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Billie Farrow - July 2, 2020

One look at Gideon's face immediately had her feeling guilty. She knew she probably shouldn't have just ran off. Billie had hoped that because she hadn't snatched all of her stuff that he'd realize she would be back. Maybe she should have left a note. Though, what would she have said in it? 'Dear Gideon, I need to go do some stuff.' That would have been pathetically vague. Even she hadn't been sure what she was going to set out to do, just that she needed to get away.

Crossing the room, Billie reached down for a gray puff of a cat that she cradled like a baby. He began to purr immediately, which helped ebb away at some of the pointier edges of anxiety. It was another escape to avoid the subject she knew they needed to speak about.

After a minute or two of silence, she finally murmured. "I caught one." Though she didn't sound proud, nor victorious. It was more a statement of fact than anything. Normally, she would have ran into the shop, shouting about her adventures before Gideon had a chance to get a word in edgewise, but that wasn't to be today. "A bowtruckle in the park." Since she didn't seem to have one on her person, it could be assumed she had let it go.

It at least explained away the bits of tree she had stuck to her clothing. But not the rest of her disastrous appearance.

"I..." She started to say, but she soon buried her face in the cat's fur, muffling any follow up commentary or change of subject.

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Gideon Ollivander - July 4, 2020

Gideon didn't know exactly what she was trying to tell him. This might have been an attempt to explain where she'd been all day and what she'd been doing, but if that was the case it wasn't much of one. Catching bowtruckles was an exhausting and time-consuming business, he was sure, but he didn't really believe that it had occupied her for the entire day. He certainly didn't believe that it was the reason behind the state that she'd been in when she came back to the shop, or for the mood she was in. Not that she needed to explain the mood she was in, of course; he knew what was on her mind. More likely, he thought, the bowtruckle bit was her way of telling him that she still wasn't ready to talk about it. He could sympathize with that. This was a decision that would affect the rest of her life, after all, and it wasn't a decision that had, as far as he was concerned, a right answer. The best case scenario had already passed them by. The window for her having a normal childhood had closed when she'd started living on the streets in the first place, back when he still hadn't even known she existed.

"Have you eaten?" he asked abruptly. The conversation needed to be had, and the decision needed to be made, but if she wasn't ready to launch into it yet he had no desire to force her. They could still talk about it tonight without having to talk about it now, and maybe some food and a warm bath and clean clothes might put her in a better state of mind for the conversation. "Let's have soup," he suggested, moving towards the front of the store to lock up.

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Billie Farrow - July 5, 2020

"No, thank you."

Her refusal of food was abnormal, especially when paired with politeness. In all the time she'd been with Gideon, Billie had declined food on two occasions, and they'd both been when she had been ill. The current tightness and unease in her stomach made her want to retch.

"I..." She started to say again, but, for once, she was left speechless. Lips pursing, Billie scowled, but her gaze didn't meet Gideon's. The expression wasn't meant for him; she was frustrated with herself. She was supposed to be brave, and, right now, she felt anything but. She needed to get it over with, or she was going to burst, but it was the absolute last thing she wanted to do.

No matter what she decided, she was going to feel like she was pretending. She could never truly be a boy, not with the two X chromosomes she'd been cursed with. But could she truly be a girl either? When her heart ached at the thought of only being expected to marry and produce offspring? She just wanted to be Billie. She wanted to be fierce and brave. She wanted to roll about in the dirt and pretend to fight dragons. She wanted to help people by doing odd jobs and not have them turn up their nose at her because of her gender. As a boy, it was easier to achieve that. But she could be soft, too. She loved to collect flowers and talk gently to younger children when they were upset. She wanted to cuddle cats and dance until she grew dizzy.

She wanted to be both. She wanted to be neither.

She wanted--

"I...I don't want to choose."

She'd spent the week researching. Billie had spoken to as many people as she could and poured through so many books that Zach eventually shooed her out to play. Every dead end she found herself down had sent her mood spiraling. She had intended to speak to Gideon about it, but all she'd found was disappointment. Why would she want to share that?

"But I made a decision." Taking a shaky breath, she put the cat down upon the floor. It wasn't clear whether she was buying herself more time, or if she simply didn't want to drop him. Billie felt as if she just wanted to crumple to the floor. Her next words were small, deathly quiet, almost as if she thought that if she could barely hear them, they'd be less true. "I'll be a girl."

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Gideon Ollivander - July 6, 2020

Billie's refusal of the meal made him stop in his tracks. Gideon turned back towards her, and hesitated. A part of him wanted to go over and hug her, but he wasn't sure how it would be received. She was tough, after all, and even though she was obviously not tough now he wasn't sure she would want to be treated like a child, or — well, like a girl. If she'd wanted physical comfort, wouldn't she have come to him instead of to her cat?

It was difficult watching her struggle to speak, but he held his breath and forced himself not to interrupt. This was her decision, in the end; it was her life that would be most affected by it, and he had already determined that he was going to do whatever he could to support her, no matter what that meant. If he had to lie to the board of Hogwarts and risk his own reputation in order to send her to school as a boy, he would. If he had to dip heavily into his savings in order to hire a private tutor for her in lieu of sending her to Hogwarts, he would. He wanted her to be happy, in the long run. Hopefully, she knew what path was most likely to lead her there, and he could spend his energy on helping her to walk it once she'd chosen.

She made her announcement, and Gideon let the words linger in the air for a moment before he responded. He moved a little closer to where she was and crouched down to her level, under the pretext of giving the cat a quick scratch behind the ears. "Okay," he said gently, in a tone that implied neither an endorsement or condemnation of her decision. "We can do that. And we can still talk about what that means," he offered. "It won't bother me if you wear pants and tell people your name is Billie instead of Wilhelmina. Or if you want to go buy a bunch of new things so that you're dressed like all the other girls at Hogwarts, we can do that, too."

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Billie Farrow - July 6, 2020

When Gideon drew closer, she looked up at him, his gentle words a comfort, though she wasn’t about to admit it. She’d feared some sort of argument, even though he’d never given her cause to think one would arise.

She’d made the decision with him in mind, after all.

Their last conversation had frightened her. Up until then, she’d naively thought they could keep up the ruse forever, that there was no chance anyone would find out. That was until he had mentioned the dormitories and repercussions that she’d actually stopped to think. Billie didn’t want to end up like many disgraced women, roaming about the Slums with very little to their name, dreams dried up. She wanted to go to school, to have the chance to better herself, to make Gideon proud of her. To have a career. Without all of that, where would she be? She might as well be back with her mother.

More importantly, she didn’t want something awful happening to Gideon because of her. Billie couldn’t bear to be the cause of a tarnished reputation, or for his wand shop to suffer because she’d chosen the selfish route. The dangerous route. He was too important to her. She cared more for him than she had any other human. If it meant keeping Gideon in her life, she’d at least try to face the option she liked the least. The option that made it feel as if the world she knew was quickly winking out.

It would be more beneficial for them both in the long run. Wouldn’t it?

"G...good. ‘Cause I don’t want to be called Wilhelmina. Ever.” It was such an ugly name. She couldn’t understand why her mother had picked it. Had she despised her even then? "And...and I don’t want to wear dresses when I’m here. Or let my hair go all long. I want to play quidditch and catch nifflers and go on adventures and...and--”

Hot tears sprung into her eyes unbidden. She couldn’t prevent them from cutting zig zag tracks down her filthy cheeks. The breath that caught in her throat and came out in a choked sob was so un-Billie-like that it caught her off guard. She’d learned long ago that crying showed weakness; her mother, and other adults, would exploit that at all cost. But she couldn’t stop. Now that the truth, the choice, was out there, it was as if everything she’d been clutching so tightly to her chest had suddenly released.

"'M sorry."

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Gideon Ollivander - July 8, 2020

Both of them had been teetering on the edge of displaying more emotion, but trying to look stoic, and both of them broke at more or less the same time. For Billie, that manifested in tears. For Gideon, it was that he could no longer let his reservations about how his daughter might receive a physical embrace prevent him from trying to comfort her. He moved closer to her and knelt on one knee, then used his arms to pull her in so that her head was up against his chest and his shirt could absorb some of her dirty tears.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," he said soothingly. "It's a lot to think about and deal with. We don't have to have it all figured out right away," he assured her. "And if we change our minds about some things later, that's okay, too. And if you want to play Quidditch and catch nifflers, you can certainly do that," he continued. He wanted to ensure that she didn't feel as though introducing herself as Miss Farrow instead of Mister meant that every other aspect of her identity had to change. That being said, he was also aware that some of those things probably would change as she grew older, because people changed when they turned from children to adults. She might want to get married or have children someday — or she might find herself drawn to some less traditional but still decidedly feminine path, like a career as a mediwitch or a seamstress, and if that happened he didn't want her to think that she had somehow betrayed her younger self or failed in some way. Essentially, he wanted to convey that no matter what happened, it was okay. She would still be Billie no matter what, and he wouldn't feel any differently about her. It was one thing to say that, however, and another for her to really believe it.

"And you can go on as many adventures as you like, so long as you promise to come back home safe and sound when they're through," he teased gently.

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Billie Farrow - July 9, 2020

At first, Billie's body stiffened. The concept of a hug was so foreign to her that her mind wrongly thought that she was being attacked. It was with panic that she looked up at Gideon, and it took a great deal of self-restraint not to kick him away. Her mother and the myriad of religious 'experts' had ensured that anything more than a handshake would dredge up an overall feeling of revulsion and dread. In fact, it was usually then that her accidental magic would rear its head, landing Billie in a worse situation than she started with.

But Gideon had never given her cause to fear for her safety.

He had always met her antics with kindness, and he was one of the few people she never wanted to disappoint. Even when she'd been at her most crabby, he still hadn't raised a hand to her or blamed her for things that were out of her control. He was what a parent should be.

Maybe it was his soothing words. Maybe it was the fact she was too exhausted to allow anxiety to fully take the reigns, but Billie found her arms rising of their own volition. Instead of returning the embrace, her grubby paws clutched at the front of his shirt like a small child would a blanket and continued to weep.

Only as Gideon drew to the end of his reassurances did her tears begin to slow. Her breath hitched in a hiccuping sort of way every so often as she tried to banish them and tuck her emotions back behind a smile. Though, it didn't seem to be working.

"I promise."

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Gideon Ollivander - July 20, 2020

"Good," Gideon said quietly, still holding her. He'd never done this before, and he didn't want to stop right away. This was something they'd missed, with her being on her own for so long before she'd found him, and it was... validating, in a way, that he could embrace her like this and that she would accept the comfort. Like he hadn't entirely failed her as a father. He'd been trying his best since the moment she'd come back into his life, of course, but he was under no illusion that two years of kindness could displace a lifetime of neglect and abuse previously. Sometimes he felt as though he'd spend the rest of his life making up for lost time and trying to be a real father to her — but moments like this made him feel like he was, at least, on the right track, no matter how far he still had to go.

But she was eleven, and probably too big for this sort of thing — or, at least, she probably thought she was. After one last reassuring squeeze of her shoulders, then, he moved away from her. "A hot bath might make you feel better," he suggested with a gentle smile. "And I can get dinner ready in the meantime."

RE: Here I go. There's no turning back. - Billie Farrow - July 23, 2020

Billie reluctantly pulled away when Gideon did and swiped at her face with the back of her forearm to clear away any lingering tears or running snot. The only success she had was in relocating the dirt closer to her ears. She tried to stand up straighter, suddenly feeling awkward and vulnerable, though she didn't regret allowing Gideon to hold her. But she was supposed to be fearless, not a blubbering mess.

"Okay, yeah, maybe it will," she murmured, feeling as if she might start to cry if she spoke too loudly. Her agreeing to a bath was a miracle in itself. She couldn't deny that she was filthy and that sometimes it felt nice to soak. Billie's shoulders scrunched up as she slinked off, too many thoughts cluttering up her mind to argue. It felt as if she were teetering on the edge of a cliff.

Suddenly, Billie paused, her hands anxiously grasping at the bottom of her shirt. She didn't turn, too afraid of the truth she was about to speak to look at Gideon. "They're all gonna hate me now 'cause I lied, aren't they." It was a statement, and she didn't linger around for him to answer, feeling the threat of tears burning at the corners of her eyes yet again.